Seven Months Since BU

[in_patient]

This is the seventh month, post break up. I've been NC for three months. Before that, I was begging and pleading... all the typical mistakes, before I just went full NC. I just disappeared.

 

J (my ex) got in touch with me a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was the "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" message I'd been waiting for, but it wasn't. It was just a catch-up, and she probably wanted to know that I'm still around, should she ever need me to be. Should she ever need an ego boost. She's with someone else now, a woman (my ex and I are both women, by the way) with a good job and who goes to the gym every day, apparently. I think they've been together about 7 months so that's since she broke up with me. The calls between us were like nothing had ever changed. She was acting like my girlfriend - demanding me to call her, "call me back!", etc. I have reason to believe she has BPD, also. She was exhibiting EXTREM jealousy during the calls, and blaming me for break up - as well as other things and behaviours she has shown in RS.

 

I feel like absolute rubbish. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I don't go to the gym everyday. I don't have a job and am going back to University to pursue a new career. My life isn't exactly where I'd like it to be but I am working at it.

 

I miss her every day. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about her. I identify as a trans male (I dress and identify as mostly male, and am mistaken daily for a guy) and she was the only person that I could truly be myself with. It was because of her that I even started doing this, she encouraged me so much and I miss that understanding. I miss our jokes, and the way we'd joke around with each other. I miss us looking at pictures of animals on Instagram and getting obsessed with them. I miss being around her.

 

I feel like I'm going backwards, not forwards. My best friend has recently gotten back with her ex, and I'm just thinking why am I even doing NC, then? Why don't I just contact her and see what happens? But I know it's too painful.

 

I feel so depressed and so frustrated. I don't want to date around. I wanted to settle down with that person, and I thought she wanted the same. I don't identify as a lesbian, but the women that have shown an interest in me are lesbians, and I don't like it. She was the only person that seemed to understand this, and refer to me as male. She didn't like identifying as a lesbian, either. It's a bit complex to go into, I suppose. I just miss her and it doesn't seem to be dying down.

 

I stay busy. I cycle and run every day. I immerse myself in box sets on Netflix. I visit friends and family. I have enrolled on a course. But nothing is working.

Edited July 3, 2015 by in_patient

[54JA]

Yeah... Missing those cute little things you used to do together (like your animal picture things) is super hard. Hang in there.

[loveiswar101]

Look its hard. Many a people on here same boat, including me. I think it's a case of not looking at the here and now but where your be in another 6 months. I tell myself that if I keep going on like I am I'm going to be in no different place than I am now.

 

Need to make a stand. I heard something today that helped. If we can improve ourselves just 1% a day look where we will be in 30days, 3months, 6months. Above all you gotta try..don't try don't change.

 

Please keep doing what you doing with the exercise..cant go wrong there. From there just try and then try find the courage to try harder.

 

Time will heal..

[in_patient]

Look its hard. Many a people on here same boat, including me. I think it's a case of not looking at the here and now but where your be in another 6 months. I tell myself that if I keep going on like I am I'm going to be in no different place than I am now.

 

Need to make a stand. I heard something today that helped. If we can improve ourselves just 1% a day look where we will be in 30days, 3months, 6months. Above all you gotta try..don't try don't change.

 

Please keep doing what you doing with the exercise..cant go wrong there. From there just try and then try find the courage to try harder.

 

Time will heal..

 

To know that there are other people in the same situation as I am is very comforting. I try to avoid looking at the here and now, instead trying to look at how far I've come or where I'll be, but for some reason I just don't feel great, lately.

 

 

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to know that there are people out there that care.