Am I blind or is there a real chance? ex gf leaving the country

[young_gun333]

Hello All,

 

I'm writing in somewhat dire straights. I met my ex gf over 8 months ago & lived with her for 6 months. She is leaving back to her country in less than 2 weeks.

 

When we met, we were in complicated circumstances. I was at the beginning stages of a divorce (my ex wife moved out) and this woman I met had been sepearted from her husband for 6 months & under divorce proceedings as well. She's 31 years old & I'm 33. I am absolutely convinced she is the love of my life despite an abbreviated time frame together. In the beginning & middle of our relationship, she and I discussed long term plans together (having kids & permanent living situation, etc.) I moved in with her after a month as I had issues with my soon to be ex wife).

 

At the beginning of the relationship, I found out that her last marriage deteriorated b/c she had undergone severe depression for the first time in her life which made her bedridden. Her husband was not understanding of her depression & led to the failed marriage. She is very accomplished academically graduating from a top ten school in the world & finished her masters, but the depression was crippling that she could not complete even the simplest tasks of daily living. When we met initially, she was months recovered from depression, but slowly fell into depression within 2-3 months of living together. It wasn't as bad as her depression that ended her marriage, but it came to a point where I was taking care of her everyday with house chores, providing food, going outside to run errands (as her anxiety & depression did not allow her to go out the door). She has told me that no guy has ever taken care of her like this before & loved me for it. Also, she has no family in the U.S & when she divorced her husband she effectively divorced all her friends in the U.S as they were connected to him. I was the only person she had left from a social support level.

 

She has been an exellent communicator with me throughout our time together, however, her depression made her very sensitive to the simpliest comments which created high conflict/misunderstanding on a frequent basis. The conflict & petty arguments (that turned into big ones) added up fast, but I always knew it was her depression NOT her creating most of it. Best way I could describe it is if your close friend said harsh things when they're drunk (you know it's not them talking, but rather, the alchohol). So I look at it the same way with her irritablility of me & sensativity, that it was her depression creating the chaos.

 

During this whole time, she wasn't working at all. She was supposed to be focused on her start-up company, but it never materialized given her anxiety & depression. So it came to the point a month ago where she decided she needed to go back to her country permanently to recover as all her family, friends, & support will be there. Effectively, this would end our relationship. I was & still am torn to pieces. After digesting the reality, I realize that it would be best for her recovery to go back to her country, however, I do want to salvage the relationship. My work is flexibile enough where I can work remotely anwhere in the world & I am willing and able to move to her country in order to see how things would work out. I eventually brought up the idea after a few days when she broke the news to me & she said she wouldn't be able to commit to anything. She said she wouldn't know when she would be ready to see me whether it was 3 months or a year after she settles in given all the things she needs to go through. She said she didn't want me to "wait" for her & put my life on hold. She kept encouraging me to find other people & not think shes the only one for me.

 

So I moved out a month ago & have seen her sparingly since then (only an hour or so every 1 or 2 weeks). It pales incomparison to virtually being with her 24hrs a day for 6 months. I feel she's distancing herself from me to either protect herself or make sure I don't get too emotionally connected. In the last few days, she has been unresponsive to texts (our only form of communication the last few weeks) & hasn't answered my calls. Should I wait another day or two until I contact again? I don't want to put pressure on her to open the idea of me visitng her in her country, but at the same time, I feel like if I don't do anything now I'll miss any chance to tell her how I truly feel before she totally cuts me out when she gets back home. I think of her every hour of the day & I feel torture not being able to initiate contact as I normally would (in fear she would cut contact completely or feel pressured & overwhelmed).

 

So am I blind to the "signs"? I want to spend time with her before she goes, but each time I feel like I'm inviting myself & making her feel obligated to see me when she never initiates a phone call or text to me. I still have my things at her apartment that I need to pick up. But I'm pausing on contacting her & using that as a starting point of the conversation. I'd hope someone here can maybe give me advice on how to put me in the best position so that I can somehow be on a path to salvage what we had & get a chance to see her in her country. I'm prepared to accept not being in a relationship right away when she goes home & maintain contact with her in the interim w/ the hope of seeing her in a few months and rekindling.

 

I know this is super long & I appreciate all of you who have extended your time to read. Thank you.

[La.Primavera]

I don't think there are signs you are missing, it is more like a cold slap of reality across the face. She has turned her back on your relationship.

 

I think you have made it perfectly clear how you feel and what you were prepared to do to stay together but she didn't want that. It is obvious from what you have said that her commitment is not at the same level as yours. Once she decided to go that was it. You didn't factor into the equation for her. It is very cold and calculated. I know you miss her terribly but for that reason I think you should do yourself a favor in the long run and break ties with her completely.

 

I hate to say it because you sound like such a kind person but I don't think she loves you. You deserve better than this.

 

All the best.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with the above. She's over it. It sounds like she never had much emotionally to give to the relationship, anyway.

 

You, pardon the bluntness, sound like a doormat. Are you so desperate that you can only imagine yourself with an invalid? Don't you have emotional requirements? Wouldn't you like to meet a giving and invested person?

 

Go NC. Get some perspective. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[young_gun333]

I don't think there are signs you are missing, it is more like a cold slap of reality across the face. She has turned her back on your relationship.

 

I think you have made it perfectly clear how you feel and what you were prepared to do to stay together but she didn't want that. It is obvious from what you have said that her commitment is not at the same level as yours. Once she decided to go that was it. You didn't factor into the equation for her. It is very cold and calculated. I know you miss her terribly but for that reason I think you should do yourself a favor in the long run and break ties with her completely.

 

I hate to say it because you sound like such a kind person but I don't think she loves you. You deserve better than this.

 

All the best.

 

Thank you for your comments La.Primavera. The answer your provided, candidly, is one that has been in the back of my mind and avoiding. I'm avoiding it b/c I'm always a hopeful person, that things may turn out positive, but reality kind of kicks in when I try to seperate my emotions & look at her actions objectively. The part that makes me dream that she'll have a change of heart is when she realizes that her depression (and our circumstances) never gave our relationship a fair shot. That, maybe when she does recover...that we'll be able to have a fresh start & truly give this a chance it deserves. I'm not expecting promises or conditions, but really just a shot.

 

I've never been able to take care of anyone like this before much less myself (scheduling doctors appointments, driving her to make sure her errands are taken care of, picking up her medicine, preparing her medicine 3 times a day, making dinner & cleaning it up, walking her dogs, etc.) Since she never expected someone to do this for her, I was hoping she'd realize how much I put in & see I've worked hard to do this in order to maintain our relationship & her well being. I didn't share everything, but the past month she has been terribly cold to me in other ways. I took her out to dinner where she completely ignored me the entire time to stare at her phone & text her friends she'll be reuniting with in her country. It was awkward & hurtful especially since I made attempts to engage her in conversation. Another time I text her at 11pm to see if shes had dinner yet & she asks if I can bring food to her. I drove over & dressed up nice and happy to see her, but yet she was having a conversation on her phone while I sit across the table staring at her for an awkward 3-5 minutes in silence. She looks up and apologizes & continues on... so I left just telling her I had things to do the next morning.

[young_gun333]

I agree with the above. She's over it. It sounds like she never had much emotionally to give to the relationship, anyway.

 

You, pardon the bluntness, sound like a doormat. Are you so desperate that you can only imagine yourself with an invalid? Don't you have emotional requirements? Wouldn't you like to meet a giving and invested person?

 

Go NC. Get some perspective. I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

SycamoreCircle -- Thank you for your perspective. I don't feel I'm desperate to find another relationship (as I tried dating in the last 2 weeks & met a few women who I found do want to continue seeing me), however, meeting these 2 women only validated to me how special & unique she is to me. I can't help but compare & realize that I'll never find someone like her who connects with me like does, not even my soon to be ex-wife who I have been with for 14 years.

 

I will say, however, I do feel desperate to keep her & find a way to keep the door open for us to be together again. I know it won't be possible to have her commit to this idea before she leaves or when she arrives at her home country. I also know she has mentioned months ago that usually she doesn't look back once she ends a relationship & she's been able to cut ties with her family/friends who she perceives as negative parts in her life. As such, I want to be very sensative with how I approach her as I do not want to be perceived as negative & have her cut ties. Keeping that in mind, I feel like in the last week she has slowly cut ties with me as her texts & calls are no more. The texts in the last week have only been as a response to mine rather than her initiating. Her phone also rings to voicemail when I'm almost sure she's at home & can see my phone call.

 

This hurts in so many ways. I can't work & all I think about is her. I'm truly obsesed with finding a solution & feel that time is running out. I don't know if it'll be a good idea to pour my heart out when I next see her (as I do need to pick up my things) or simply play it cool so I don't overwhelm her or have her feel I'm pressuring.

 

I'm at a loss & sadly, I will say losing her now is actually more painful than having my wife leave me for someone else.

[La.Primavera]

I've never been able to take care of anyone like this before much less myself (scheduling doctors appointments, driving her to make sure her errands are taken care of, picking up her medicine, preparing her medicine 3 times a day, making dinner & cleaning it up, walking her dogs, etc.) Since she never expected someone to do this for her, I was hoping she'd realize how much I put in & see I've worked hard to do this in order to maintain our relationship & her well being. I didn't share everything, but the past month she has been terribly cold to me in other ways. I took her out to dinner where she completely ignored me the entire time to stare at her phone & text her friends she'll be reuniting with in her country. It was awkward & hurtful especially since I made attempts to engage her in conversation. Another time I text her at 11pm to see if shes had dinner yet & she asks if I can bring food to her. I drove over & dressed up nice and happy to see her, but yet she was having a conversation on her phone while I sit across the table staring at her for an awkward 3-5 minutes in silence. She looks up and apologizes & continues on... so I left just telling her I had things to do the next morning.

 

It is possible that part of your attachment to her comes from the amount of time and energy you invested in her. You were needed and became the hero. A feeling that must of been quite intoxicating. Now that she doesn't want you to fill that role anymore you have lost the stability you found after the breakup with your wife. I think what you are feeling right now is probably more complex than you realize.

 

What you have described is not a loving partner who cares for your feelings. Health issues aside, she doesn't seem to give a damn how she treats you which is why I say you deserve better. If a woman can't see what a prize you are, she isn't worthy of your love and affection. I hope some day you see that because this woman cannot make you happy.

 

You need to protect yourself from further hurt. Get your stuff and never look back. One day you will find someone better who will treat you with love and respect. You will be glad you let this one go.

[SycamoreCircle]

SycamoreCircle -- Thank you for your perspective. I don't feel I'm desperate to find another relationship (as I tried dating in the last 2 weeks & met a few women who I found do want to continue seeing me), however, meeting these 2 women only validated to me how special & unique she is to me. I can't help but compare & realize that I'll never find someone like her who connects with me like does, not even my soon to be ex-wife who I have been with for 14 years.

 

I will say, however, I do feel desperate to keep her & find a way to keep the door open for us to be together again. I know it won't be possible to have her commit to this idea before she leaves or when she arrives at her home country. I also know she has mentioned months ago that usually she doesn't look back once she ends a relationship & she's been able to cut ties with her family/friends who she perceives as negative parts in her life. As such, I want to be very sensative with how I approach her as I do not want to be perceived as negative & have her cut ties. Keeping that in mind, I feel like in the last week she has slowly cut ties with me as her texts & calls are no more. The texts in the last week have only been as a response to mine rather than her initiating. Her phone also rings to voicemail when I'm almost sure she's at home & can see my phone call.

 

This hurts in so many ways. I can't work & all I think about is her. I'm truly obsesed with finding a solution & feel that time is running out. I don't know if it'll be a good idea to pour my heart out when I next see her (as I do need to pick up my things) or simply play it cool so I don't overwhelm her or have her feel I'm pressuring.

 

I'm at a loss & sadly, I will say losing her now is actually more painful than having my wife leave me for someone else.

Man, oh man... First of all, everything you're feeling is natural. The relationship is ending. You need to treat it as such. You need to gain some emotional distance. Forget this idea of trying to rescue what you had with her. She has dropped you.

 

Secondly, this woman is not fit for a relationship. It sounds like she has serious inner turmoil along with other issues. We have to love ourselves before we can love someone else. There's no way around it.

 

Sadly, I don't think you're fit for a relationship, either. You need to take stock of boundaries---what that means in a relationship. Your boundaries are lazy. It sounds like you could have used a little more time off from your last relationship before jumping into this one. May I ask, what is the longest stretch of time you've gone by yourself? Can you be by yourself? I would strongly encourage you to start evaluating your sense of self-sufficiency.

[young_gun333]

It is possible that part of your attachment to her comes from the amount of time and energy you invested in her. You were needed and became the hero. A feeling that must of been quite intoxicating. Now that she doesn't want you to fill that role anymore you have lost the stability you found after the breakup with your wife. I think what you are feeling right now is probably more complex than you realize.

 

What you have described is not a loving partner who cares for your feelings. Health issues aside, she doesn't seem to give a damn how she treats you which is why I say you deserve better. If a woman can't see what a prize you are, she isn't worthy of your love and affection. I hope some day you see that because this woman cannot make you happy.

 

You need to protect yourself from further hurt. Get your stuff and never look back. One day you will find someone better who will treat you with love and respect. You will be glad you let this one go.

 

Thanks for your feedback. I feel like I've learned about myself and the situation based on your objective opinion. I do agree that I invested a lot of myself into this relationship and when I look back at everything, I try not to feel like I was used. I did, however, tell her that I felt that when her mom came back to help her move out of the country it seemed as though my value in her life had an expiration. She of course, said it wasn't true. But it certainly feels that way & I'd like to look at our moments together as genuine and with love.

 

It hurts so much now. I tried to be strong, but broke down in front of her several times and I know she (amongst other women) must look at this as a substantial weakness. I do love her & its painful when they don't love you back. I can't help but replay difficult moments we had with each other & wish that I sad something different or reacted differently.

 

I see & hear the reality you are sharing, but I know that I'm denying it at the hope that I might be able to salvage this somehow. I spoke to her briefly a few nights ago & she's totally withdrawn. She's telling me via text that she is sick and has a cold. I'd like to believe her, but somehow I feel this is just an avoidance tactic just so that she can keep her distance from me until she fully moves out of the country next week. All I want is just to spend time with her before she goes

[young_gun333]

Man, oh man... First of all, everything you're feeling is natural. The relationship is ending. You need to treat it as such. You need to gain some emotional distance. Forget this idea of trying to rescue what you had with her. She has dropped you.

 

Secondly, this woman is not fit for a relationship. It sounds like she has serious inner turmoil along with other issues. We have to love ourselves before we can love someone else. There's no way around it.

 

Sadly, I don't think you're fit for a relationship, either. You need to take stock of boundaries---what that means in a relationship. Your boundaries are lazy. It sounds like you could have used a little more time off from your last relationship before jumping into this one. May I ask, what is the longest stretch of time you've gone by yourself? Can you be by yourself? I would strongly encourage you to start evaluating your sense of self-sufficiency.

 

Sycamore - Thanks again for your comments. Reading them, I can tell you when I try to separate myself from the emotional view of this relationship I see precisely that she has already left me. And honestly, this is a view I instincively try to avoid completely as it just compounds the hurt & eliminates my brief, microscopic feeling of hope. But reality is reality, & I find myself reletentless in finding a way just to keep any type of relationship (even if its friendship). As such, it's so difficult to simply give up trying as you recommend (though its the most sound & reasonable advice I know I should be moving towards).

 

You're right, I have been in a relatinship too long & extremely little time in between as a single. I was with my soon to be ex-wife for 14 years from when I was 18 to 32 & 1 month layover I found myself with my ex gf. It wasn't by design for me to jump out of marriage to a relationship (a serious one at that). But it happened. And I honestly was planning to "date" & figure out myself after my wife left me. I have dated in the last month (probably shouldn't have), but again, everytime I was with someone else all I could do is think of her. It's not fair to the people I met, especially one that I have been "seeing" & I found is really trying to move into a relationship with them. I did, however, set boundaries letting her know I'm not ready as I already came out of 2 tumultous relationships. But dating this one person only had simply validated to me how much I truly care & love my ex gf.

 

She has treated me poorly in the past month, that's for sure. But I try to justify it as her coping with leaving the country. That, if she still planned to stay here, then she would not have distanced herself like this to me & treated me this way. It's probably irrational thinking, but its a thought process I somehow unintentionally subscribed to to provide more comfort.

 

That said, at this point I'm just trying to fight for a chance. I"m not looking for a promise or expectation we will get back together. But a chance to just stay in contact & communicate with each other like we had before. I don't want to eliminate communication which it seems like is developing now. I wish I could bring this up to her, but I fear this will simply push her away further & bring too much pressure. So I don't know what my next move or approach should be in order to "maintain" good & constant communication. She only responds to my texts & doesn't initiate anything. What would you recommend if anything? She's leaving next Thursday.

[mightycpa]

I think you missed this:

 

In the beginning & middle of our relationship, she and I discussed long term plans together (having kids & permanent living situation, etc.) I moved in with her after a month

 

In my experience, things that move that quickly get to the end just as quickly. What's more, given that both of you were coming out of failed marriages, the enthusiasm for going all-in with someone new strikes me as reactionary rather than real.

 

I think you were both in a race to the finish line, and she got there first. She's leaving the country and you're not? Even if you were both committed to each other, that would be a likely death knell to the relationship.

 

Time to face facts.

[young_gun333]

I think you missed this:

 

 

 

In my experience, things that move that quickly get to the end just as quickly. What's more, given that both of you were coming out of failed marriages, the enthusiasm for going all-in with someone new strikes me as reactionary rather than real.

 

I think you were both in a race to the finish line, and she got there first. She's leaving the country and you're not? Even if you were both committed to each other, that would be a likely death knell to the relationship.

 

Time to face facts.

 

Mightycpa - Perhaps you're right about how fast things came to be. In fact, we discussed many times that the calendar days we spent together were abbreviated but we felt that it seemed much longer. Mainly, I would suppose that a typical "dating" scenario would be seeing the person a couple times a week for a several hours at a time. In contrast, we spent EVERYDAY with each other & practically the entire day. I worked from her apartment & she wasn't working. So the amount of hours we spent in 6 months would be in equal measure to a typical couple seeing each other for 2 years (but living separately).

 

I would also suppose that the first month or so was the infatuation stage. I was so impressed with her ability to communicate & talk our differences in the beginning (as it was a stark difference from my ex-wife). We really didn't have any issues resolving problems until her depression reincarnated. As such, I am saying to myself that under normal circumstances (without depression) it was an indication of how things would truly be together. I can't predict if & when she will recover from depression, but all I know is that this is the 2nd time in her life where she has gone through it. My studying of depression is that its an illness that can end with proper care & treatment.

[mightycpa]

Mightycpa - Perhaps you're right about how fast things came to be. In fact, we discussed many times that the calendar days we spent together were abbreviated but we felt that it seemed much longer. Mainly, I would suppose that a typical "dating" scenario would be seeing the person a couple times a week for a several hours at a time. In contrast, we spent EVERYDAY with each other & practically the entire day. I worked from her apartment & she wasn't working. So the amount of hours we spent in 6 months would be in equal measure to a typical couple seeing each other for 2 years (but living separately).

You could not be more wrong about that. The infatuation stage doesn't expire by the hour. You can be with your love all day long, or you can be away from her for the same. Bottom line, you were infatuated all day, either way. While proximity can create the conditions that result in the diminishing of interest, that's not what causes it. Six months is six months. It's not a lot of time, and you are still just scratching the surface after only six months. I'd bet you'd be surprised by how much you don't know about her.

 

I would also suppose that the first month or so was the infatuation stage. I was so impressed with her ability to communicate & talk our differences in the beginning (as it was a stark difference from my ex-wife). We really didn't have any issues resolving problems until her depression reincarnated. As such, I am saying to myself that under normal circumstances (without depression) it was an indication of how things would truly be together. I can't predict if & when she will recover from depression, but all I know is that this is the 2nd time in her life where she has gone through it. My studying of depression is that its an illness that can end with proper care & treatment.

Ah, depression. So, first of all, depression is usually triggered by something, usually stress. It's like you get naked, go out into the snow and catch a cold. It isn't the snow that gets you sick, but it weakens you, and you catch the cold easier. Once you go back inside and get warm again, the cold doesn't go away. You've got to wait, and the duration of your illness will depend a lot of how well your body "fights off" this illness. This is mental, and fighting off generally means brain chemicals rather than antibodies. The drugs are literally "happy pills". There is no cure either. Remission is probably a better word, and you just might be very susceptible to a relapse. So, while it may indeed get better, in reality, you'll just be hanging around until the next time it happens, and the older you are, generally, the more frequent the depression hits. Don't forget that in the course of maybe 2-3 years, it has hit her twice, and affected both relationships to the point of destruction. Why wouldn't that happen again?

 

 

• Whirlwind romance
  
• Depression
  
• Emotional distancing
  
• Slow fade to non-responsiveness
  
• Leaving the country
  

 

Do yourself a favor. Embrace reality.

[young_gun333]

You could not be more wrong about that. The infatuation stage doesn't expire by the hour. You can be with your love all day long, or you can be away from her for the same. Bottom line, you were infatuated all day, either way. While proximity can create the conditions that result in the diminishing of interest, that's not what causes it. Six months is six months. It's not a lot of time, and you are still just scratching the surface after only six months. I'd bet you'd be surprised by how much you don't know about her.

 

I see what you are saying & understand the thought process. I'm not trying to be argumentative in any way, but I'm wondering if you think that having less time with someone would indicate that any love that was felt between a couple may be invalid b/c of the lack of time together. As I see it looking back, I do love her and don't feel it's minimized given the short window of being together. The love I gave and have for her now is real, though its obviously possible that she does not have it the same way as I do at this point in her life transition. Im accepting that reality & at the same time, I guess you can look at it as me not accepting it as I'm still fighting to keep us together somehow.

 

I do agree that I was continually learning new things about her and perhaps, she about me. And I still enjoyed learning about her though some things weren't always positive.

 

Ah, depression. So, first of all, depression is usually triggered by something, usually stress. It's like you get naked, go out into the snow and catch a cold. It isn't the snow that gets you sick, but it weakens you, and you catch the cold easier. Once you go back inside and get warm again, the cold doesn't go away. You've got to wait, and the duration of your illness will depend a lot of how well your body "fights off" this illness. This is mental, and fighting off generally means brain chemicals rather than antibodies. The drugs are literally "happy pills". There is no cure either. Remission is probably a better word, and you just might be very susceptible to a relapse. So, while it may indeed get better, in reality, you'll just be hanging around until the next time it happens, and the older you are, generally, the more frequent the depression hits. Don't forget that in the course of maybe 2-3 years, it has hit her twice, and affected both relationships to the point of destruction. Why wouldn't that happen again?

 

 

• Whirlwind romance
  
• Depression
  
• Emotional distancing
  
• Slow fade to non-responsiveness
  
• Leaving the country
  

Do yourself a favor. Embrace reality.

I never really understood how poisoning depression can be for someone. I had an idea as my mother had mild depression & was moody, gloomy, & sensative. But my mother was still functional & can live a productive life. Her depression, however, is something that I never imagined someone would go through & be so destructive to their life. She was so accomplished, unbelievably smart, elequoent, woman of many many talents, but yet could not even step outside to get the mail and I found that taking a shower was a very laborious experience for her. After months witnessing such challenges, I feel much more educated about this disease. She did get better as soon as she made the decision to go back to her country as that gave her purpose in her life instead of muddling through life day by day feeling unaccomplished. Slowly, she was able to tackle these simple tasks & is on track to getting better. This "re-awakening" had side effects which was her slowly weening off of me.

 

I agree with your thought that she is subject to relapse. You're right, its very possible it can happen sometime again down the road. She too, admitted & warned me about the potential that she would relapse again. That being said, I will tell you that my love/happiness I felt for her then and now far exceeds the burden of her disease. Is it not possible to fall for someone & commit to someone that has such an issue? Is it because society says that it's not good to get close to someone with "problems" that I should just vanish myself from her to avoid her burden? I understand why its a good option, but I still find myself back to the happiness she provided me. I obviously don't want to be a lifetime caretaker so to speak like I have the last 6 months, but I am confident her depression can be in "remission" for an extended period (like years or much longer) with good treatment. As such, all I want now is a chance to see how things would play out NOT an expectation things will end smooth... Just a chance...

 

Is there any way or approach that might put me in the best position to sustain a chance without scaring her off or asking her bluntly?

[La.Primavera]

I tried to be strong, but broke down in front of her several times and I know she (amongst other women) must look at this as a substantial weakness.

 

I don't see this as a sign of weakness but someone who cares very deeply and is feeling a great sense of pain and loss due to the breakup.

 

I do love her & its painful when they don't love you back. I can't help but replay difficult moments we had with each other & wish that I sad something different or reacted differently.

 

I empathize with how you are feeling, I really do. It sounds like you are in the middle of the seven stages of grief: 1. Shock or Disbelief 2. Denial 3. Anger 4. Bargaining 5. Guilt 6. Depression 7. Acceptance.

 

You blame yourself but the reality is that there is nothing you could have said or done that would change the outcome. She made her choice. It is up to you how you deal with it. Hang in there.

[54JA]

I'm glad that la brought up the stages of grief. I hear that these stages can overlap sometimes and occur intermittently as well. You may be experiencing denial and bargaining now, where you see a chance where there isn't one and committing yourself to doing whatever it takes to get her back.

 

I agree with CPA about the length of relationships. I think the shorter the relationship, the smaller the range of life events that give you the opportunities to see the person's "true color." The longer the relationship, the wider the range of events, and more opportunities you will have to see how your partner handles/responds to stressful situations. I am not doubting your feelings for her. It's more like saying the situation wasn't ideal.

 

I do suffer from depression from time to time, though it is not as severe as hers. Sometimes, it does get difficult to get the "motivation" to do the simplest things, like brushing your teeth. Despite my depression, I am in a relationship, have been for over 10 years. Honestly, with this guy, I feel happy and feel that he has been a great influence. But sometimes I wonder what it's like to be on my own and whether I have the ability to truly make myself happy without relying on anyone else. Sometimes I imagine what it's like to be without him and how horrible it will be for me. Deep down inside, I am scared to go through the pain of breakup (from my previous relationship) and the awful depression again. May be that's is why I am on this forum, subconsciously trying to prepare myself for another possible heartache. But anyway, what I am trying to get at is that I understand her need to be on her own to truly recover. I understand her need to find out whether she can be happy on her own, without relying on a relationship. She never had the chance to do that until now. As you said, she is an extremely intelligent person, so I am assuming that she understands the importance of really being on her own to develop the strengths and tools she needs to combat her depression. I am not saying that you made her depression worse, or that you didn't help. But rather, her need to return to her country to get better may not have anything to do with the quality of your relationship with her. I am not sure if I am saying this right, but it's simply something she has to do for herself.

 

This is really a tough situation for you, and I feel for you. I hope you can start to heal soon.

[young_gun333]

I don't see this as a sign of weakness but someone who cares very deeply and is feeling a great sense of pain and loss due to the breakup.

 

 

 

I empathize with how you are feeling, I really do. It sounds like you are in the middle of the seven stages of grief: 1. Shock or Disbelief 2. Denial 3. Anger 4. Bargaining 5. Guilt 6. Depression 7. Acceptance.

 

You blame yourself but the reality is that there is nothing you could have said or done that would change the outcome. She made her choice. It is up to you how you deal with it. Hang in there.

 

Thanks you for your comments La.Primavera. Reading them is providing comfort to me in a way I think you'll never know.

 

I know she feels that I am in pain, but at the same time I truly believe breaking down in front of her several times has really deteriorated her view of me whether its subconsciously or not. Mainly, she prides herself in being able to be "emotionally in control" of her feelings during times of duress. She's never raised her voice at me during conflict (like my ex-wife), but always was able to articulate her point of view clearly. Of course, her depression has made her cry many times when she saw no hope & was blue during the day. So in a way, I think she wants someone who is stronger (and me breaking down does not fill that description). As a consequence, I believe she is empowered to drift further from me as she sees me in this weakened state. It's not attractive.

 

I appreciate you sharing the 7 stages as this is a clear view of the path I have & will need to continue to move through towards the end. Again, being hopeful... I wish that I can terminate mid-way to find a solution & put the remaining stages on hold.

 

I know common sense would advise me just to "drop everything" & start moving on now. But the fact that she's still here until another week brings me a sense of urgency to maintain contact & perhaps, I hope to meet her to spend time together before she leaves. Even though she is saying she is sick now w/ a cold (likely an excuse to create distancing), I just can't help but try to find ways that I can still see her. She is leaving permanently & I'd like her to think of me positively before she goes so that we can maintain communication & hopefully, allow me to visit her a few months down the road.

 

That said, is there any advice on how I may approach this? Next steps? And btw, I know this is a shot in the dark.

[young_gun333]

I'm glad that la brought up the stages of grief. I hear that these stages can overlap sometimes and occur intermittently as well. You may be experiencing denial and bargaining now, where you see a chance where there isn't one and committing yourself to doing whatever it takes to get her back.

 

I agree with CPA about the length of relationships. I think the shorter the relationship, the smaller the range of life events that give you the opportunities to see the person's "true color." The longer the relationship, the wider the range of events, and more opportunities you will have to see how your partner handles/responds to stressful situations. I am not doubting your feelings for her. It's more like saying the situation wasn't ideal.

 

I do suffer from depression from time to time, though it is not as severe as hers. Sometimes, it does get difficult to get the "motivation" to do the simplest things, like brushing your teeth. Despite my depression, I am in a relationship, have been for over 10 years. Honestly, with this guy, I feel happy and feel that he has been a great influence. But sometimes I wonder what it's like to be on my own and whether I have the ability to truly make myself happy without relying on anyone else. Sometimes I imagine what it's like to be without him and how horrible it will be for me. Deep down inside, I am scared to go through the pain of breakup (from my previous relationship) and the awful depression again. May be that's is why I am on this forum, subconsciously trying to prepare myself for another possible heartache. But anyway, what I am trying to get at is that I understand her need to be on her own to truly recover. I understand her need to find out whether she can be happy on her own, without relying on a relationship. She never had the chance to do that until now. As you said, she is an extremely intelligent person, so I am assuming that she understands the importance of really being on her own to develop the strengths and tools she needs to combat her depression. I am not saying that you made her depression worse, or that you didn't help. But rather, her need to return to her country to get better may not have anything to do with the quality of your relationship with her. I am not sure if I am saying this right, but it's simply something she has to do for herself.

 

This is really a tough situation for you, and I feel for you. I hope you can start to heal soon.

 

54JA -- Thank you for your comments, very much appreciated. It makes sense that we haven't seen a full wide range of life events under a normal, longer time line, but I will tell you that I've experienced so much high/low times with her these last 6 months that would be typical of what people face during a "typical" extended relationship. The first month or so was normal in the sense she was not victim of her depression. One may argue this was because she was in remission or we were in the infatuation stage. However, even AFTER her depression (where we practically never went out for dinners or outside activities) I did find an incredible amount of happy times with her. Apart from depressive episodes, the joy & laughter to me was real. The love was real to me. Those moments did exist everyday even in the darkest days. We found a way to laugh despite the clear issues we were dealing with together. This is why I hold onto her. I loved & care for her. This is why I am in so much emotional pain.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced depression. Your fight with it is something that resonates with me through her experiences. She found it challenging to wake up and brush her teeth too & admitted that she didn't know why. I learned that sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason. That's the issue with depression/anxiety is that the feelings are not logical. She comes from a well to do family, highly educated, talented, wonderful personality, friendly, outgoing, & yet has the hardest time finding hope in life despite so much to look forward to. So in the end, depression is an illness that must be carefully nutured & cared for. It sounds like you have a great person who is with you & loves you as well. How much is he doing for you? How much do you rely on him each day? The reason why I ask, is looking back I feel like I was also an enabler. I took on all the tasks she found insurmountable & did them for her. In a way, it was only feeding to the disease where she would just sit & home and not have reason to be active. She is a person that continually wants to challenge herself & has learned 4 languages. She told me that these last few months she does not feel challenged & wants to move back to her country to seek that for herself apart from recovering. So in effect, I feel in the short term I alleviated her worries and at the same time, during the long term I helped eliminate our relationship.

[La.Primavera]

I know she feels that I am in pain, but at the same time I truly believe breaking down in front of her several times has really deteriorated her view of me whether its subconsciously or not.

 

I think it is more likely that seeing you break down makes her feel guilt for causing you pain. Like you said, she wants to control her emotions. She doesn’t want to feel anything, especially guilt.

 

So in a way, I think she wants someone who is stronger (and me breaking down does not fill that description). As a consequence, I believe she is empowered to drift further from me as she sees me in this weakened state. It's not attractive.

 

I completely disagree with your assessment of the situation. You are taking all the blame here and it is not the truth. She had already decided it was done while you were being her rock. Like I said above, she drifted away further because she didn’t want to deal with the guilt of breaking your heart. For a woman in love, seeing a man express his deep emotions about how much he loves her is extremely attractive. That is why I question the depth of her feelings.

 

I know common sense would advise me just to "drop everything" & start moving on now. But the fact that she's still here until another week brings me a sense of urgency to maintain contact & perhaps, I hope to meet her to spend time together before she leaves. Even though she is saying she is sick now w/ a cold (likely an excuse to create distancing), I just can't help but try to find ways that I can still see her.

 

This is why I doubt you will listen to any advice right now but I hope in time you can refer back to it for some support. You are at crisis point where there is a deadline of a week in which you feel you have to say or do something to win her favour before she permanently disappears from your life. It isn’t going to work.

 

Listen, you have done everything possible to save your relationship. You have been candid about your feelings, making it clear what you want and what you are prepared to sacrifice to stay together. She knows all she has to do is click her fingers and you will be at her side in an instant. If she wanted to contact you when she was settled, there would be no confusion as to whether you would respond. You have done everything necessary to give her that option in the future. She gets it, you don't need to keep pushing it.

 

There is nothing more you can do now, other than try to get through this next week as calmly as possible.

 

You will get through this

[54JA]

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced depression. Your fight with it is something that resonates with me through her experiences. She found it challenging to wake up and brush her teeth too & admitted that she didn't know why. I learned that sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason. That's the issue with depression/anxiety is that the feelings are not logical. She comes from a well to do family, highly educated, talented, wonderful personality, friendly, outgoing, & yet has the hardest time finding hope in life despite so much to look forward to. So in the end, depression is an illness that must be carefully nutured & cared for. It sounds like you have a great person who is with you & loves you as well. How much is he doing for you? How much do you rely on him each day? The reason why I ask, is looking back I feel like I was also an enabler.

 

It's difficult to say how much I rely on him. We don't live together, but we see each other every weekend and spend most of the holidays together. I just got a new job, so I don't rely on him financially, but in the past, he has helped me with tuition for one of my master's degrees. He pays for all the dinners and vacations and things like that even though I don't expect him to. Those are some of the examples of the tangible things he does for me, for which I am extremely grateful. I can't even begin to describe the intangible things I rely on him. To be honest, I am not sure if I can be happy without him. I won't know the extent to which I rely on him on things like self-worth until he is gone, but I assume how I feel about myself is closely tied to our relationship. This is where I get scared. What if he were to leave me? What would happen to my sense of self-worth or happiness? Like I said before, I was single for only 2 years prior to this relationship, which was over 10 years ago. I never really had the chance to live my emotional life on my own. May be this fear is a product of my depression. May be my depression is preventing me from giving myself credits for my own personal growth. I don't know. But I can understand why one wants to venture out on her own to cultivate herself.

[young_gun333]

I think it is more likely that seeing you break down makes her feel guilt for causing you pain. Like you said, she wants to control her emotions. She doesn’t want to feel anything, especially guilt.

 

 

 

I completely disagree with your assessment of the situation. You are taking all the blame here and it is not the truth. She had already decided it was done while you were being her rock. Like I said above, she drifted away further because she didn’t want to deal with the guilt of breaking your heart. For a woman in love, seeing a man express his deep emotions about how much he loves her is extremely attractive. That is why I question the depth of her feelings.

 

 

 

This is why I doubt you will listen to any advice right now but I hope in time you can refer back to it for some support. You are at crisis point where there is a deadline of a week in which you feel you have to say or do something to win her favour before she permanently disappears from your life. It isn’t going to work.

 

Listen, you have done everything possible to save your relationship. You have been candid about your feelings, making it clear what you want and what you are prepared to sacrifice to stay together. She knows all she has to do is click her fingers and you will be at her side in an instant. If she wanted to contact you when she was settled, there would be no confusion as to whether you would respond. You have done everything necessary to give her that option in the future. She gets it, you don't need to keep pushing it.

 

There is nothing more you can do now, other than try to get through this next week as calmly as possible.

 

You will get through this

 

Thanks for sharing your comments again La.Primavera. Very comforting & educational for me to read especially at such a difficult time.

 

You're right. She probably doesn't want to hurt me & is trying to avoid a chance I'll try to be closer to her before she leaves.

 

Its sad, but before she met me she actually with someone before & lived with him for about a month before dropping him too (she always told me they were never in a relationship & it wasn't serious to her at all. That they were "dating" & it ended quickly) And when she moved out of the house they still had to communicate b/c they both were on the lease. I remember she had extreme anxiety whenever he would text her or call to settle basic things about the lease. So she would ignore him or wouldn't follow through. I actually had to facilitate moving her things & ended up meeting the guy face to face to pick up her things since she couldn't face him. It was so unsettling that I was practically meeting her ex (who she says was never a bf, but I argued that if they lived with each other even for a month it would constitute more than that).

 

That said, I find myself in an awkwardly similar fate. I moved out & I'm on this lease with her. We still need to iron out issues of finalizing rent payment & putting our 30 day notice to the manager, but she has completely delayed responding to my text & doesn't answer my calls. This is hurtful. I feel like I'm that other guy she was seeing right before. Once their relationship was over, she was a ghost & very cold to him. He was stern on a few things, whereas, my text were supportive & positive. So she had no reason to exchange harsh words to me as she did to him. I had to pretend to be her cousin & facilitate the conversations b/w them. Moving foward, now she's having her mother pick up her calls from me & facilitating the basic things we need to complete. She is totally avoiding me. Her mother said she was very sick & I asked if she had anything worse than the cold, but her mom stutterred and said she just had a cold.

 

So yes, I see the signs. I don't know what to do. I know its over in her mind. But I'm not asking to get together. But I do want to see her before she leaves next week. My birthday is on Monday & all I want to do is see her just for a little bit. I know this sounds useless, but its simply how I feel right now. I don't feel good & I feel that I shouldn't be treated this way especially after all I've given to her. I wish I could say this via text or on the phone, but given her anxiety & sensativity, I know this is not a good thing especially if I want to keep the lines of communication somewhat open.

 

Reading that you said I have done everything I could do provides me so much comfort and peace of mind. I will say I did actually do the best I could & obviously, I do look back & think that they're some things I have said/done differently that could have provided a different outcome. At the same time, I feel that she could say the same and much much more.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I still need to pick up my things & I actually bought a few gifts for her that I wanted to drop off before she leaves. A few days ago I was certain that I would see her one last time, now I'm not so sure.

[La.Primavera]

I guess it is easier for her to rationalise leaving the last guy she was living with by saying they were only dating even though it was clearly more serious than that. It sounds like a pattern of hers to be cold and detached about relationships. I’m sure she would find it easier if you weren’t so kind and understanding, then she could be defensive and turn it round and blame you.

 

That is why the gifts are such a bad idea. Your sweet gesture will either increase her anxiety and guilt or make her angry and frustrated that you won’t back off. Her silence speaks volumes. She doesn’t want to see or speak to you before she leaves. It is heartless but she is looking out for her own interests.

 

I really do think you tried everything you could to save this relationship but there is nothing you can do to make things right. No amount of love from your side will be enough to make up for the lack love on her side. Relationships need to be 50/50, not 100/0. You deserve the same affection in return. This is not your fault. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

[Qboro90]

She's a week away from leaving if I read your posts correctly. While I can understand why you want to see her so badly for what might very well be the last time you ever see her in person, you need to really see how much she has done to tell you that she doesn't want you in her life whatsoever any longer. That's a terrible realization to come to and I don't think you truly have yet bc will hurt to much but look at the facts. - She's had a "cold" or "been sick" since you started this thread nearly the entire time. That's one long cold... Clearly a lie and a bad one at that. She now is having her mother as the buffer between you and her. Either she doesn't have the courteousy give you the closure you've clearly expressed you need OR you formed an image of who she can be and not who she actually is. By what you explained of your time living with her, sounded like you basically were her lifeline, caretaker, therapist and babysitter. With all you did for her through her depression it was a full time job. Has she ever expressed her appreciation or gratefulness for any of that to you?

 

The fact that she decided to leave the country tell you that the connection/love between you wasn't strong enough to keep her here. Do you mind sharing the reasons why she was depressed? What set her off? How long has she been in this country for and does she have any friends/family of her own here? If not then the men she's dated including you have been her only source of caring and interaction. She's probably used these men and you as someone to have around out of sheer lonliness rather than emotional care. She might not even realize that which makes it harder for you.

 

What would seeing her once more before she leaves do for you? Even if you both broke down and said you loved each other... She's still leaving, she hasn't asked you to visit her, or even remain in contact for that matter. It's over I'm sorry to say. You also may not have fully been forced to face the issues stemming from your own divorce either. She was a much welcomed escape from you're terminated marriage and your ex wife's actions. A new girl to live with who you were her only provider and "hero" as someone mentioned before was probably an ego boost for you that you haven't had in a long time. 6 months is incredibly short time to be with someone in the bigger picture so I think you need to look at yourself and why you fell so hard so quickly for someone who by your own admission became depressed, withdrawn, and in constant need shortly into your dating/living together began.

 

What did she do that made you put her on such a pedestal. You're saying that you're willing to change you're whole life in order to visit her in another country. You didn't even know this woman last year. Think of how much can change in that time period. Because you went on a couple other dates and weren't blown away does not mean that there's no one else out there for you, just means that you didn't find her after 2 dates lol.

[Qboro90]

Also, why are you giving her gifts!?! What's she done that's made her deserve anything more from you? You've literally bent over backwards for this woman, been as supportive and thoughtful and selfless as possible literally since day 1 meeting her and she's done what for you?

 

Gifts and telling her how you feel, getting your emotions off your chest to her, and seeing her one last time are all "Hail Mary's". The problem here is that she's not even a receiver at this point to catch the ball. If you need to speak with her to settle financial issues about the apartment or need to gather your things then why don't you just go over there and say "I'm here for my things, didn't want them to get thrown out as you removed everything from the place".

 

what can this woman add to your life at this point which will make it better? During your time with her... How did she make you happy? What did she contribute to the relationship? It's all 1 sided on your part it seems so I'm having a tough time understanding why THIS woman is the greatest you'll ever meet.

History of depression, history of questionable and failed relationships, cold and heartless after splitting up, unwilling to communicate or even accept calls from you directly, lies about her health so as not to see you. Where is the good stuff here?

[young_gun333]

I guess it is easier for her to rationalise leaving the last guy she was living with by saying they were only dating even though it was clearly more serious than that. It sounds like a pattern of hers to be cold and detached about relationships. I’m sure she would find it easier if you weren’t so kind and understanding, then she could be defensive and turn it round and blame you.

 

Perhaps you are right, but I have no other frame of reference. The last guy was the first guy she "dated" after her separation from her ex husband. So if anything, I think this guy was the initial rebound during her transition period in her life to keep busy & get her ex off her mind. She said they connected on a few things in the beginning with him & it quickly fizzled. She didn't do a good job of explaining how he ended up moving in with her other than saying, "he just suddenly moved in his things without really discussing it with me. So I eventually kicked him out a month later..."

 

That is why the gifts are such a bad idea. Your sweet gesture will either increase her anxiety and guilt or make her angry and frustrated that you won’t back off. Her silence speaks volumes. She doesn’t want to see or speak to you before she leaves. It is heartless but she is looking out for her own interests..

 

The last time I really saw her, she was unnecessarily rigid, cold, & argumentative about requesting the keys I had to the apartment (I absolutely never objected to give her the keys, but somehow she turned it around like I was holding them from her.) Moving forward, she came to my house to pick up the keys & apologized for how she acted. She actually made a small gesture of sorts by giving me a few items (trinkets here & there and things for my dogs). That said, I wanted to do the same in return before she leaves. I didn't buy anything really expensive other than a type of hard cover journal she likes & a book for the long plane ride back. That said, do you still think this is a bad idea? I know it's probably not sensible from an outsider's perspective (I get it), but sadly, I feel giving her these things is my last real chance to see her face to face & provide some sort of minimal closure.

 

I really do think you tried everything you could to save this relationship but there is nothing you can do to make things right. No amount of love from your side will be enough to make up for the lack love on her side. Relationships need to be 50/50, not 100/0. You deserve the same affection in return. This is not your fault. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

 

Again, thank you for sharing. If I don't get to see her or talk to her in the way I hope to, reading your words does provide some closure in my mind. Though, I'd hope that I can find another way...

[young_gun333]

Also, why are you giving her gifts!?! What's she done that's made her deserve anything more from you? You've literally bent over backwards for this woman, been as supportive and thoughtful and selfless as possible literally since day 1 meeting her and she's done what for you?

 

Qboro90, thank you so much for your comments. I very much appreciate reading them & feel it's another good perspective that I need to hear.

 

To me, if I separate myself from this situation emotionally as much as I can, I totally see how she can be seen as trampling over me... and she has. Now, I don't know if it's prudent for me to blame her actions on her depression completely b/c perhaps it can be her true colors as a person. The hard part for me is I have dealt with her good side which is extremely warm, caring, nuturing, & understanding &. It's a side of her that I feel exceeds the person who I have seen as withdrawn, unappreciating, & a cold character during her depressive episodes & most of all, the person she became as soon as she decided to leave her country.

 

Gifts and telling her how you feel, getting your emotions off your chest to her, and seeing her one last time are all "Hail Mary's". The problem here is that she's not even a receiver at this point to catch the ball. If you need to speak with her to settle financial issues about the apartment or need to gather your things then why don't you just go over there and say "I'm here for my things, didn't want them to get thrown out as you removed everything from the place".

 

I know I am completely in my right to ask for my things & go down to the apartment which I helped cosign it as she had no other way to secure it on her own (she had no income to satisfy the application & just paid rent via savings.) However, I'm not choosing to do that b/c simply I haven't fully given up on her. If I moved on already, I would not hesitate to exercise my right & let her deal with the rest. But the fact is I still care for her & I also know that going there would increase her anxiety levels & she'll feel so overwhelmed. She had this issue even when we were living together & I always had to resolve these tasks b/c she couldn't muster the strength to do it on her own.

 

what can this woman add to your life at this point which will make it better? During your time with her... How did she make you happy? What did she contribute to the relationship? It's all 1 sided on your part it seems so I'm having a tough time understanding why THIS woman is the greatest you'll ever meet.

History of depression, history of questionable and failed relationships, cold and heartless after splitting up, unwilling to communicate or even accept calls from you directly, lies about her health so as not to see you. Where is the good stuff here?

 

Ahhh... this is a great question that will merit a very complicated answer. When we first met, we had an immediate connection. I've never clicked with anyone as fast or deep as I have with her. She was always fun to be around & we'd laugh all the time even in the most unimaginable situations (during the peek of an argument, she would say something funny). She was a great listener & offered extremely precious advice to me on family, relationships, & my career. I honestly can say then and now, I'm a better son, brother, & person because of what I learned from her.

 

She's unique in that she played the piano for 26 years (I played for just 4 years), but I appreciate her appetite for music. She's lived all over the world & I have a significant interest in her views based on her life experiences. I have a never ending curiosity on her perspective on the world. I've never met someone so balanced in this category. I'm in finance & all my friends or people I meet cant really relate to the work I do. She, however, is extremely educated in my field which is a rare trait I can find in anyone. We actually can watch MSNBC Powerlunch & discuss the stock market together & intellectually converse about topics, etc. I like to follow current events & politics (which most of my friends don't care about) & she enjoys the it as well. What's also important & the most rare is that she speaks the language my parents speak & which I hope my future children would learn. It's not a common culture or language you find someone on the street in the U.S. knows. So to me, that's important & so rare to find. And finally, I know this is probably least important...but she absolutely beautiful, dead gorgeous. When we did go out together, people would always turn their heads (men & women). Beauty runs in her family (as a few of her cousins are models/actresses in her country). I took her to a bar once & I can't tell you how many guys I had to fight off. She is stunning to look at. I know looks don't last, but I'm still human & appreciate her beauty. Thats why anyone who sees her would be mindblown to know she's a hermit in her apartment 90% of the time. She has an outgoing personality in public & talkative, inquisitive, but when she gets home she is her true self that she doesn't show in public.