Did I do the right thing by denying a friendship?

[drade]

Hello Loveshack. Oh, have I learned a lot from you this past month. My ex and I broke up a month ago; she went on my phone and found a text message, where I said I was "unhappy" and I "want" this girl. Probably one of the worst days of my life; I have never hurt someone like that. We had a very good relationship, had great chemistry, it last about six months.

 

After that happened, I started to go to therapy because I couldn't answer her question to why I did it. She was right, I did it for attention. I just felt weird about the relationship at that point, and was vulnerable.

 

I'm doing really good compared to where I was a week ago. I recognized how emotionally immature I am, what my flaws were, look back on the relationship and am really changing for myself.

 

My ex and I have been contacting eachother, overwhelmingly on my part (ended up kind of pushing her away). We met up three weeks ago she was kissing me rubbing my junk told me to go upstairs and jack off and was touching me, told me she loved me, but said she cant trust me. That was emotional torture.

 

Two days ago, we talked on the phone for six hours. It was a good conversation, however, i told her I can't do this friendship thing, I am madly in love with you, I realized what I had was amazing, and I learned the hard way, now I lost you.

 

"She got very angry. She told me that I should be able to bear the weight for the both of us, if you love me, you should put me first, and be my friend. You never did put me first a lot. "

 

She then told me she was jealous of what I am doing, how I have learned so much from this breakup, how my next relationship will be way better for me, and how she hasn't gained much. "Your building yourself up and I am falling down."

 

Yet she told me "I am still in love with you." She was also trying to be sexual with me, telling me to come over, telling me that she was picturing herself on top of me, and wanted me to promise that we can still have sex on my counter, "you call, i'm there." She was saying how she missed my superficial qualities, not who I am as a person, to my chest, dimples, all that crap.

 

I told her no. I am done with this. I can't do this friendship, I still love you and want to be with you, and you claim your in love with me, and want to be just friends? You tell me you can't trust me, but you can trust me as a friend? How do you even justify that statement? How can I be friends with someone who doesn't trust me in a relationship, let alone a friendship?

 

She ended up telling me her plans for the next two months, and I just lost it. She then realized that being friends with me was "selfish" and kind of agreed to letting me walk away.

 

So, I told her that I won't be contacting her for a while, when I am ready, I will call. I told her she can contact me if it's an emergency. I have blocked her out of everything, except her number, but I have no desire to speak to her for a long time. I need to get over her.

 

My major question She told me that because I am now walking away, and having her carry the burden of my emotions, not being there for her, that she is going to be angry, eventually hate me, and end up not having feelings for me.

 

I feel guilty not being her friend and talking to her. But I can't handle it, I really do care and love this girl, regardless of the stupid life mistake I made. I accepted it, I have learned from it, and I am making some SERIOUS life progress that was much needed. What I did was a blessing in disguise, but sadly I did it to the wrong person, she never did anything to hurt me.

 

I am very familiar with NC. I have done it in the past, for years with one ex, and it allows me to quickly heal and move on, to progress. I am in my young 20's. This was an invaluable lesson. But did I do the right thing by cutting the cord? I am scared she wont like me as a person anymore, she even said she is going to wake up tomorrow angry because i wont talk to her.

Edited July 1, 2015 by drade

[mightycpa]

She told me that because I am now walking away, and having her carry the burden of my emotions, not being there for her, that she is going to be angry, eventually hate me, and end up not having feelings for me.

Let's stipulate for a moment that she's right. So what? Does that change anything? What do you care if she has feelings for you or not if she will not be with you?

 

In fact, if you truly love her, you want her to not have feelings for a person she can't be with. As you know, it is very unhappy and frustrating to have feelings for someone you can't be with. Would you wish what you're feeling upon anybody?

 

Of course not. Tell her that you love her so much, you're going to let her go completely. Given her unwillingness to be with you, the best place for both of you is to not have feelings for each other. NC will get you both there.

 

Tell her goodbye.

[aboucher21]

Before I can offer any advice I must ask what your intentions are. Do you want her back? If you don't want to be friends then I see that as the only option. Enlighten me

[drade]

Before I can offer any advice I must ask what your intentions are. Do you want her back? If you don't want to be friends then I see that as the only option. Enlighten me

 

 

Of course I want her back. I screwed the whole thing up, and I have been trying to get her back for the last month, realizing that instead of trying I should have just given space and time. Lesson learned.

 

But yes I want her back..

[aboucher21]

I was recently in a similar situation. I broke up with my ex 3 months ago and after a month I wanted her back. She told me no as she was trying to move on but she really wanted me in her life as a friend. So I initially told her how I felt and tried to be more loving, generous, etc all that mushy stuff. It didn't work and she said the only chance we would have his further down the road when we are both healed. So we decided to go NC and then the other day I reached out to her and we both are in a much better place. We even went hiking together yesterday (first time seeing each other in 2 months). She has texted me everyday since and I am getting mixed signals (I may be overplaying them). Regardless it is not easy but I am now at least at a point where she does not control my thoughts or life and am myself again. So I would tell you give yourself some time to become yourself again and then if you are ready for friends and try again. I am just gonna try to gain some trust back with her and in a few months ask where we stand. By then I will be able to walk away pretty easy if she says no because I have healed. hopefully my experience can help a little.

[drade]

I was recently in a similar situation. I broke up with my ex 3 months ago and after a month I wanted her back. She told me no as she was trying to move on but she really wanted me in her life as a friend. So I initially told her how I felt and tried to be more loving, generous, etc all that mushy stuff. It didn't work and she said the only chance we would have his further down the road when we are both healed. So we decided to go NC and then the other day I reached out to her and we both are in a much better place. We even went hiking together yesterday (first time seeing each other in 2 months). She has texted me everyday since and I am getting mixed signals (I may be overplaying them). Regardless it is not easy but I am now at least at a point where she does not control my thoughts or life and am myself again. So I would tell you give yourself some time to become yourself again and then if you are ready for friends and try again. I am just gonna try to gain some trust back with her and in a few months ask where we stand. By then I will be able to walk away pretty easy if she says no because I have healed. hopefully my experience can help a little.

 

Definitely does. I'm staying no contact until she doesn't cross my mind, and if she does, I feel nothing. Then I can have a friendship with her. If it's meant to be, itll happen. Thanks buddy

[aboucher21]

That is what im saying. "If it is meant to be it will be" haha. You cant force anything on her or make her want you. Time is your only friend

[d0nnivain]

She wants to punish you. She wants you to crawl around like a dog (apologies to loyal loving dogs everywhere for the unfair comparison) for the pure sport of watching you dance to her tune as payment for the relatively minor sin of saying you were unhappy & wanted another woman. You did not cheat. Some fleeting passing fancy is hardly cheating. Her ongoing punishment far far outweighs any "crime" and she is really being nasty & immature about this.

 

You have apologized. You have said you wanted her back & you got into therapy over this for pete's sake. If that's not enough, heaven help you if you genuinely step out of line.

 

If she can't maturely accept your apology & try to move forward with you then the heck with her.

 

If she truly only wanted to be your friend while she figures things out she would not be kissing you & she certainly wouldn't be teasing you by rubbing you. Talking for 6 hours? Please tell me you are students on summer break. If not, get a life. Nobody has 6 hours to spend on a phone especially with somebody they aren't dating.

 

She is not being fair here. Understand that she's the one with the problem at this point.

[SoThatHappened]

Couldn't agree more with d0nnivain.

 

This chick sounds like a nut-case. Were you wrong texting someone else that you were unhappy? No

 

Were you wrong saying you "wanted" another girl while in a relationship where you say you were happy? Not necessarily wrong, but why would you want another girl if you're pining over this one so much?

 

This whole mess between the two of you just screams immaturity. Not being mean, just pointing out that people who have lived a little more don't do what you two are doing. Shoot, some kids in high school don't do what you're doing.

 

I really don't have any advice... soooo, go NC. :/

[drade]

All I have to say is thank you. Thank you. I'm printing this out so every time I feel guilty and bent out of shape so I can read this. This literally makes me feel so much better about myself and the situation.

 

She wants to punish you. She wants you to crawl around like a dog (apologies to loyal loving dogs everywhere for the unfair comparison) for the pure sport of watching you dance to her tune as payment for the relatively minor sin of saying you were unhappy & wanted another woman. You did not cheat. Some fleeting passing fancy is hardly cheating. Her ongoing punishment far far outweighs any "crime" and she is really being nasty & immature about this.

 

You have apologized. You have said you wanted her back & you got into therapy over this for pete's sake. If that's not enough, heaven help you if you genuinely step out of line.

 

If she can't maturely accept your apology & try to move forward with you then the heck with her.

 

If she truly only wanted to be your friend while she figures things out she would not be kissing you & she certainly wouldn't be teasing you by rubbing you. Talking for 6 hours? Please tell me you are students on summer break. If not, get a life. Nobody has 6 hours to spend on a phone especially with somebody they aren't dating.

 

She is not being fair here. Understand that she's the one with the problem at this point.

[drade]

All I have to say is thank you. Thank you. I'm printing this out so every time I feel guilty and bent out of shape so I can read this. This literally makes me feel so much better about myself and the situation.

 

And no we aren't In school we are young working adults. Yes six hours. Never spoke that long on the phone before

[drade]

No contact it is. I get what your saying and I thank you for your response. It helps

 

 

Couldn't agree more with d0nnivain.

 

This chick sounds like a nut-case. Were you wrong texting someone else that you were unhappy? No

 

Were you wrong saying you "wanted" another girl while in a relationship where you say you were happy? Not necessarily wrong, but why would you want another girl if you're pining over this one so much?

 

This whole mess between the two of you just screams immaturity. Not being mean, just pointing out that people who have lived a little more don't do what you two are doing. Shoot, some kids in high school don't do what you're doing.

 

I really don't have any advice... soooo, go NC. :/

[54JA]

I agree with the above poster. She is trying to punish you. I say this because I have been in her shoes before. I was also in my early 20s when it happened. My ex actually did not cheat on me (at the time), but was flirting with a girl (who was my friend, btw) and expressed an interest in her when I pressed him. So we broke up. But after that he wanted me back. I was so angry and could not see myself with him in the future, but in the short run, did not have the strength to deal with the pain of the breakup on my own and got back in contact with him. I was so confused because I hated him for having feelings for my friend, so angry with him, but at the same time, I had the hardest time being without him. I did not know what to do with my anger. I punished him for a long time by saying things like "I can't trust you," but leading him on and keeping him around. After a few months of punishment ("I am not ready for a relationship, but I will hang out with you"), we got back together, only to break up again. There were many reasons for our break up, but one of the reasons was I never forgave him. Looking back, the right thing to do was to make a commitment to either forgive him and be with him or be strong and end it.

 

I think you did the right thing by ending it, because unless she truly forgives you, which is something only she can do, it won't work in the long run.

[drade]

Thank you for your input. She claimed to forgive, and also said she "let it go." However she was saying she couldn't trust me, that I was a lair, and that I crave attention. She said some nasty **** like I was dead to her, ruined her, I'm dumb and an ass.

 

When you forgive someone, you don't say **** like that. You don't tease and play with someone's emotions. You don't punish and play with someone's bruised ment state.

 

 

I did the right thing. This is a blessing in disguise. The friend card post breakup is a bunch of BS.

 

 

 

 

I agree with the above poster. She is trying to punish you. I say this because I have been in her shoes before. I was also in my early 20s when it happened. My ex actually did not cheat on me (at the time), but was flirting with a girl (who was my friend, btw) and expressed an interest in her when I pressed him. So we broke up. But after that he wanted me back. I was so angry and could not see myself with him in the future, but in the short run, did not have the strength to deal with the pain of the breakup on my own and got back in contact with him. I was so confused because I hated him for having feelings for my friend, so angry with him, but at the same time, I had the hardest time being without him. I did not know what to do with my anger. I punished him for a long time by saying things like "I can't trust you," but leading him on and keeping him around. After a few months of punishment ("I am not ready for a relationship, but I will hang out with you"), we got back together, only to break up again. There were many reasons for our break up, but one of the reasons was I never forgave him. Looking back, the right thing to do was to make a commitment to either forgive him and be with him or be strong and end it.

 

I think you did the right thing by ending it, because unless she truly forgives you, which is something only she can do, it won't work in the long run.

[foolinlove79]

I really dont know how people do stay friends. How do you go from a romantic rs to something totally platonic? Ive never been able to do it. I honestly think in the majority of these situations there is some angle. They want you back or want to keep tabs on you in case they change their mind or they want to play with you and make you jealous.

[drade]

I completely agree. I'm glad that this has happened to me because I've learned a lot from this whole cluster **** of a situation post breakup. Never will I be friends immediately after a breakup. It really does screw with the dumpees mind. It became so toxic after the relationship. The relationship itself wasn't bad other than what I did. But I have to say that I saw her true colors during the breakup.

I really dont know how people do stay friends. How do you go from a romantic rs to something totally platonic? Ive never been able to do it. I honestly think in the majority of these situations there is some angle. They want you back or want to keep tabs on you in case they change their mind or they want to play with you and make you jealous.

[d0nnivain]

I really dont know how people do stay friends. How do you go from a romantic rs to something totally platonic? Ive never been able to do it. I honestly think in the majority of these situations there is some angle. They want you back or want to keep tabs on you in case they change their mind or they want to play with you and make you jealous.

 

 

I have never stayed friends with an EX in that we continued to talk & be involved in each other's lives. I have always remained civil & can have a polite "catch up" conversation when I bump into them. We're not "friends" on social media or anything.

 

 

30 years after the fact my husband actually became friends with one of my HS BFs. They met at my 25th reunion & hit it off so now the two couples go out once in a while. I was able to do a business project with my grad school BF. But understand in both examples more than 2 decades had passed before we tried to reestablish meaningful repeated contact.

[foolinlove79]

I have never stayed friends with an EX in that we continued to talk & be involved in each other's lives. I have always remained civil & can have a polite "catch up" conversation when I bump into them. We're not "friends" on social media or anything.

 

 

30 years after the fact my husband actually became friends with one of my HS BFs. They met at my 25th reunion & hit it off so now the two couples go out once in a while. I was able to do a business project with my grad school BF. But understand in both examples more than 2 decades had passed before we tried to reestablish meaningful repeated contact.

 

Yeah it would have to be a long time i think for it to be just a legit friendship. It really makes it just too hard. My ex always pulls out the friend card and its usually within a month of splitting. Its absurd to think a rs can Change that much in such a short time. You also end up over analyzing all the contact and what they say and you also cant break free properly either.

[drade]

Yep I agree with the both of you. And I did over analyze everything, I became obsessive, clingy, desperate and really pushed her away instead of giving her space. But you know what? From day one she said she was done and couldn't trust me. Thirty days later she still said I can't trust you in a relationship but I can as a friend. That's screwed up. She is trying to make me go insane that's why I've cut the cord and just given up.

 

Another thing that I do think about is how she said she would put the time effort and energy into something like rebuilding trust with someone who is worth it. What does that tell you? All I am to her right now is a punching bag, she continued to come to me with her problems (however she did listen to mine). It's just unhealthy.

 

I didn't cheat, I did betray, but in the scheme of things, what I did is completely salvageable. If you truly love somebody and see a future with them, sometimes a second chance is a good thing. In this case on my part I believe this would have brought us closer together and created a stronger bond. On her part, she has past trust issues, and she would have never let it go. She even said she was in a relationship where she had access to all her exes privacy. And she was still skeptical.

 

The thing that pisses me off is that she said she would dump a drink on a girl if she saw I was on a date. That she still wants to **** me, that she still wants to hangout and have a good time knowing that I'm hurting. She says she's jealous of me, jealous of the next girl I meet, she can't eat a muffin because she thinks about me, she still uses my nalgene water bottle and blanket and says she loves those things. She even bought me a bookmark because I lost my old one. I bought her flowers and an edable arrangement, I even went to her house two weeks post breakup to deliver a care package including medications food and fluids because she was sick.

 

I could go on and on and on. But I'm done doing it I've done it for over a month. This girl has taught me some really intense invaluable **** at 23 years old. I needed this, it's like I missed a major milestone in the growth and development world.

 

Yeah it would have to be a long time i think for it to be just a legit friendship. It really makes it just too hard. My ex always pulls out the friend card and its usually within a month of splitting. Its absurd to think a rs can Change that much in such a short time. You also end up over analyzing all the contact and what they say and you also cant break free properly either.

Edited July 2, 2015 by drade

[d0nnivain]

Your EX is immature bordering on unstable. Saying she will dump a drink on the woman if she sees you on a date could be considered criminal if she actually does it.

 

 

Again, her obsession with you is further evidence that she didn't want to break up as much as she wanted you to stick around so she could punish you. In that sense she was mis-using the word "friend"

[candie13]

I am not judging her, but she does have trust issues. Indeed, she should be seeking men who can reassure her 110%. You're not it. Of course, you've learnt and grown... but there's just no telling on what the future holds, is there... ?

 

She also likes you but can't let you go. So basically, yeah, you're left to do the dirty business, which is to cut the cord and move on. Sorry, mate... I agree that you're right, it's a sh*tty situation.

 

or....

 

alternatively you could take her word for it, fck her good a couple of times, hoping she might come to her senses, give in and get back together with you. To win it all you have to be willing to risk it all. I'm not even describing the number of ways in which this could blow up in your face... but it is a possibility. Some women like it when a man takes charge, rather than asking them.

 

just sayin'

[drade]

For right now I'm not the guy for her, and she is not the girl for me. She went on my phone, even if she didn't find anything, I would have dumped her. She's got issues, she makes herself seem like a great perfect individual, but deep down inside she has a piece of darkness she can't let go.

 

She's not the girl for me. She would always bring up past things like when a girl texted me. Listen man, in a relationship, you can't be like that, it pushes people away. If what I did was so minimal, could you imagine if we were living together? If she gets with another man and he does a small act of betrayal she will burn him too.

 

I'm not about that anymore. I'm not going to give in to her horny ways. I deserve better. She's becoming dead to me, the more I think of what she's said and done the more I get angry. She treat me like a peasant and I never once called her a name or yelled at her. I was genuinely sorry and tried my hardest to prove to her that I do care and love her, but she just didn't take it in.

 

Her loss

 

 

 

I am not judging her, but she does have trust issues. Indeed, she should be seeking men who can reassure her 110%. You're not it. Of course, you've learnt and grown... but there's just no telling on what the future holds, is there... ?

 

She also likes you but can't let you go. So basically, yeah, you're left to do the dirty business, which is to cut the cord and move on. Sorry, mate... I agree that you're right, it's a sh*tty situation.

 

or....

 

alternatively you could take her word for it, fck her good a couple of times, hoping she might come to her senses, give in and get back together with you. To win it all you have to be willing to risk it all. I'm not even describing the number of ways in which this could blow up in your face... but it is a possibility. Some women like it when a man takes charge, rather than asking them.

 

just sayin'

[drade]

You know, I've seen you around on this site a lot. And let me just tell you that you understand when others don't. She as Mis using the word friend. Oh she totally would dump a drink on a girl if she saw me.

 

You know she also told me she wanted to punch my friend in the face because she didn't like the advice I got from her. My friends advice was very similar to you, it was a minimal act of betrayal, and she's making a big deal out of it and hurting you in ways you don't deserve.

 

 

 

 

Your EX is immature bordering on unstable. Saying she will dump a drink on the woman if she sees you on a date could be considered criminal if she actually does it.

 

 

Again, her obsession with you is further evidence that she didn't want to break up as much as she wanted you to stick around so she could punish you. In that sense she was mis-using the word "friend"

[candie13]

For right now I'm not the guy for her, and she is not the girl for me. She went on my phone, even if she didn't find anything, I would have dumped her. She's got issues, she makes herself seem like a great perfect individual, but deep down inside she has a piece of darkness she can't let go.

 

She's not the girl for me. She would always bring up past things like when a girl texted me. Listen man, in a relationship, you can't be like that, it pushes people away. If what I did was so minimal, could you imagine if we were living together? If she gets with another man and he does a small act of betrayal she will burn him too.

 

I'm not about that anymore. I'm not going to give in to her horny ways. I deserve better. She's becoming dead to me, the more I think of what she's said and done the more I get angry. She treat me like a peasant and I never once called her a name or yelled at her. I was genuinely sorry and tried my hardest to prove to her that I do care and love her, but she just didn't take it in.

 

Her loss

 

Drade... there are no small acts of betrayal. You either betray or you don't. What would have happened if she wouldn't have snooped? Wouldn't you have met that new girl?

 

I think... indeed, it is hard to hear how you've constantly failed her. Indeed, no RS can survive her lack of confidence. But... she was on to something, wasn't she?

 

So instead of minimizing the importance of what you did, maybe you should try to be a bit more understanding. It is you, not her, who broke that beautiful RS. And I think, by the way you react, that you are also in pain.

 

Nobody's perfect. As you correctly point out, everyone has their own little darkside inside. It's just that not everyone gives in to it.

 

Maybe you should try to stop focusing on her and on how she treats you poorly and focus instead on forgiving yourself...

 

Basically, there are only 2 options:

 

1. you forgive yourself and work with her on her forgiving you - but you can only do that by admitting that you did cause her pain. That your actions have a repercussion not just on the RS and on you, but on her. That she is the victim there...Then if you do, when you do, maybe she will be less hard on you and come towards you herself

 

2. just erase her completely. But even to be able to start clean (with a new person), you'll still have to work on your feelings of guilt. I understand pride. I know how important pride is to men, especially to young man. But by developing an empathic side of yourself, aimed to heal and help yourself, you'll be over this situation much faster. You would have truly understood it, digested it and then moved on. Maybe it's too fast for this to happen right now.

 

Either way, whichever option you prefer, give it some air. Take some time. Think about it. Leave it, see some friends, try to put it behind you. And then come back to it with a fresh perspective. It looks to me like you're both caught in a blaming game and not in a mutually understanding and acknowledging your pain situation. Try to be a bit wiser and a bit more open to the hurt you've caused her. The more you deny it, the more she'll attack you... because she feels like you're making her pain feel ridiculous...

 

It's a taste of your own medicine. I understand your decision to reject it, but guess what... you can't really run away from it. You speak like a decent person. You can't really run away from yourself, even if you do indeed never speak to her ever again.

Edited July 2, 2015 by candie13

[drade]

Your right, betrayal is betrayal. If she wouldn't of snooped, obviously none of this would of happened. Regardless, I never went to her and told her about it when it happened., and that's a big problem I knew that girl from college, we flirted back in the day, and i was looking for the attention. I would have never met up with her, but I know that's hard for some to believe. She knows me well enough to know I would have never met up with another girl, she's said it herself, but I still betrayed her trust by what I did.

 

Yes, she was onto something. Her intuition was right. I am in pain. And i'll admit, I still haven't forgiven myself. I know the relationship is over, i've finally accepted that, I accepted and took responsibility for what I did. But I am still having trouble forgiving myself.

 

I can't do option #1. I have told her that I caused her pain. She said it herself, this is a tragedy. But she is one to feel nothing, she doesn't go through emotions, she suppresses it. She has always had a high gaurd, and rarely lets men in in the form of a relationship. She let me in, and I took for granted the opportunity. I've done enough stupid things in the last 30 days, purely acting on my emotions, being impulsive, really pissing her off. So I have no choice by to go NC for the sake of her and myself. I need time to sit back, think, reflect, and keep progessing. I am, in ways, emotionally immature and I have been maturing, slowly, for the right reasons, for me and future friendships and relationships.

 

 

"empathic side of yourself, aimed to heal and help yourself, you'll be over this situation much faster. You would have truly understood it, digested it and then moved on. Maybe it's too fast for this to happen right now."

 

Yes it is too fast for this to happen right now.

 

"Try to be a bit wiser and a bit more open to the hurt you've caused her. The more you deny it, the more she'll attack you... because she feels like you're making her pain feel ridiculous..."

 

I've realized that I haven't been open as much as I should have. I told her that I feel like its always about her, but in reality its always been about me, even during the breakup.

 

"you can't really run away from it. You speak like a decent person. You can't really run away from yourself, even if you do indeed never speak to her ever again."

 

I'm not running away from it. I will speak to her again, just not anytime soon. I need space and time, and so does she. I don't see us getting back together, and if were to happen, it would take an immense amount of time for the both of us. If it's meant to be it will be.

 

The core problem that has led up to this is the fact that her and I were "friends," I even had the intuition three weeks ago and denied her offer, and she cried and got really upset. So I agreed to be her friend. I ended up seeing her in pictures of the wedding we were suppose to go to, she called and told me about what was going on in her life, to the psychical affection she showed. It hurt, and it hurt really bad. It drove me up the wall. I can't be someones friend who I love, and especially if she doesn't trust me. She shouldn't, I made that mistake myself. But it's not going to be a friendship, it hasn't been, it's toxic and pretty hurt, as well as her.

 

In the meantime, I am going out more, meeting some new people, trying to find out more about myself..

Edited July 2, 2015 by drade