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Friend zoned by ex


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DouglasFirr

Hi guys,

 

New poster here, so hello everyone!

 

So me and my ex split up back before Christmas and we went 2months without talking. We've built back up our relationship through being "friends" (though none of us have admitted it) and I felt comfortable to kiss her 2weeks ago (13th). I told her over messages later that evening that I had tried to do so, and she said it was nice and for us to take things easy and not to put too much pressure on it. On the 18th I took her out for a lovely dinner, whereby we didn't kiss at the end. I didn't really want to buy my kiss, especially on her birthday. She sent me a beautiful message telling me how amazing the night was, the location the chat the view.

 

I messaged her on the Sunday telling her the exact reasons I didn't kiss her

 

We messaged on the Friday, from the next day until 29th June she had been distant with me. I asked her on the 24th June as to why and whether it was work. Her answer was "pretty much...". I asked again on the 29th and she said

 

"All is good, just lots on with or and been staying low key and chilling out. I have been thinking though and I think it's best that we are friends. Things have been great as they are the last few months and I'm not willing to put either one of us in the situation we were in at Xmas. Hope you can understand where I'm coming from x"

 

We previously had gone out for 1.5years before breaking up and having another go for 2months. She broke it off the 2nd time due to me not being open with her about religion and other things. However these have now been addressed.

 

I want her back, but I want everyone's honest opinions on how I should. No Contact? If yes, how long? Should I try and be friends with her (My response to her was that we shouldn't be friends and just leave things on a high)?

 

I'm not in any real emotional state as I expected it with my 2nd message questioning her being distant.

 

She's 27 and I'm 28. Let me know if you want any more info.

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NC is not a tool to get somebody back. It is a tool to help you heal & get over her.

 

You can't be friends with an EX. It's a terrible way to try to rekindle a romance.

 

If you want to date her again, tell her that. She may not want to date you but you have to be upfront with your cards on the table & the very real, very scary possibility that she will reject you.

 

If she says no, walk away and Never look back. It's over.

 

It probably is over & there probably is no chance. You already dated & broke up twice which tells me this is dysfunctional at best.

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DouglasFirr
NC is not a tool to get somebody back. It is a tool to help you heal & get over her.

 

You can't be friends with an EX. It's a terrible way to try to rekindle a romance.

 

If you want to date her again, tell her that. She may not want to date you but you have to be upfront with your cards on the table & the very real, very scary possibility that she will reject you.

 

If she says no, walk away and Never look back. It's over.

 

It probably is over & there probably is no chance. You already dated & broke up twice which tells me this is dysfunctional at best.

 

I guess I was looking for something more comforting. Probably along the lines of other people's experiences in attempting to get back together with their ex-gf.

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The only comfort I can offer is the sooner you realize that this relationship is dead & the sooner you let it go, the sooner you will move on to healing & finding a healthy relationship that makes you happy.

 

The only time I tried the reconciliation thing, it lasted for about a month but it was so obvious that it had been broken. The trust was gone. The spark was dull.

 

Most times people are just on an unhealthy merry go round.

 

I saw it work once. My college roommate started dating the man who is now her husband in the 7th grade. They broke up senior year of college because he wanted to "explore." He came crawling back to her 2 years later. She made him work for it but they have now been married for 24 years & have two great kids.

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She dumped you, she can be friends with you and not want to get back with you, because it was her decision to split. She can be comfortable in her decision, so being friends is OK, but you want more.

 

I guess her cooling off after the kiss is a bad sign for you. This was an opportunity for her to say "Sorry, DouglasFirr I made a big mistake, lets get back together", but she didn't, did she?

 

Your lack of openness is quite a big thing in a relationship, and I guess she broke up thinking she couldn't trust you.

 

Keep up NC, heal and get over her, I have a feeling she is just not coming back to you. Sorry!

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DouglasFirr

Thanks for the kind words. But I think I will still be doing the NC to get her back regardless. Whether it be that I confess my openness up front and let her play her cards from there, or whether i take it slow again but ensure i keep up a lot of body contact and the odd kiss attempt

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Thanks for the kind words. But I think I will still be doing the NC to get her back regardless. Whether it be that I confess my openness up front and let her play her cards from there, or whether i take it slow again but ensure i keep up a lot of body contact and the odd kiss attempt

 

That makes you a game player. You are hoping to manipulate her.

 

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder after a break up. Even if she comes back at some point it will most likely be after she has been with other guys then you will be back here crying that she's damaged goods.

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Her responses to you are entirely tepid and indicate that any romantic feelings for you are over. She probably doesn't want to just hammer you with that reality tho. (Sorry, not trying to be mean but it won't do you any good to try to process bad info.)

 

I'm a believer in friends after romance, but what that would require from you is to genuinely respect her wishes and actually be her friend with no ulterior motives. If you can't do that, probably the best thing imo is to tell her frankly that you were hoping to get back together and that you don't feel anything less than that will be good for you longterm. And then part ways with best wishes and all that.

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DouglasFirr
Her responses to you are entirely tepid and indicate that any romantic feelings for you are over. She probably doesn't want to just hammer you with that reality tho. (Sorry, not trying to be mean but it won't do you any good to try to process bad info.)

 

I'm a believer in friends after romance, but what that would require from you is to genuinely respect her wishes and actually be her friend with no ulterior motives. If you can't do that, probably the best thing imo is to tell her frankly that you were hoping to get back together and that you don't feel anything less than that will be good for you longterm. And then part ways with best wishes and all that.

 

I'd always have an ulterior motive even if we were friends. We've pretty much been "friends" over the last few months and look where it has ended up.

 

I'm not looking to manipulate her, just want to overcome the barrier and just move on with this relationship

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DouglasFirr

FYI I had been open about religion etc. The only thing I couldn't give her is my feelings as it would have scared her off even quicker. Even after the kiss, she was very responsive. She even asked me out for dinner with her and her friend. Obviously this fell through as she was then becoming distant.

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ConfusedHumanBeing

As a new user, I would highly recommend going through this site and read the several stories that deal with the exact same thing you are discussing.

 

As sucky as it is, there isn't much hope in your situation. You are probably here to get reassurance that the decisions you are making are merited. Sadly, they aren't. Using NC as a tool is a bad setup to begin with. You want her back, but all you are doing is making it worse. Her text she sent was a polite way of saying "not interested anymore." I would imagine she thought about what you were doing for a bit, wanted to see what was up, and realized she didn't want it anymore. Happens a lot so don't beat yourself up over the what its.

 

Dude, please do not make it worse. I saw below you're going to continue to not talk then try again later with more body contact. PLEASE do not do that. Makes me cringe just reading that. Only shot you will ever have is let her go for good. Maybe somewhere far down the road when you two are completely different people maybe, but that's a VERY BIG long shot and by that time, you'll be over it for a while.

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SoThatHappened

The only thing you can do to a) get over her and/or b) get her back is:

 

drumroll...

 

No Contact.

 

It's a win-win.

 

You want to hear success stories? Well, everyone is different.

 

You want us to make you feel better by telling you she's an idiot and will come crawling back? Not gonna get that here.

 

Again, No Contact. Nothing. She died "in your mind" and she doesn't exist.

 

The pain will go away eventually, and you'll either have her crawling back or be with someone else and over her. Or both (that happens too).

 

My money is on you getting over her if you go complete NC.

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DouglasFirr

I'm going to talk to her. Most likely towards the end of next week.

 

Likely going to clear the air, vent my feelings and why I'm upset about the matter (she broke up with me last time for not being open and she's the one who wasn't open this time). Likely offer an ultimatum (probably a bad choice) and just leave it from there

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You'll end up learning from your own mistakes buddy, it seems like you won't take anybody's advice from hear. ESPECIALLY in your scenario, strict NC is the best way to go.

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DouglasFirr
You'll end up learning from your own mistakes buddy, it seems like you won't take anybody's advice from hear. ESPECIALLY in your scenario, strict NC is the best way to go.

 

For how long?

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For how long?

 

 

Forever.

 

 

You never reach out to her again. If somewhere down the road life throws you in each other's paths again & your relationship organically rekindles that's one thing but otherwise you don't call, text, e-mail, IM, snapchat etc. You delete & unfollow if not block from all social media for all eternity.

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loveiswar101

There is no end to NC if you stick to it.

 

You came here for advice and everyone of the relies has been go NC and all are for your sake of healing and moving on and not to get your ex back.

 

Please think long term here..

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Methodical

You've admitted you could never just be friends bc you would always have an ulterior motive and that's not healthy for either of you. She has put you in the friend zone, which means, "I like you, I don't love you, and if you want to hang out as friends, fine, but nothing more."

 

Now you plan to offer an ultimatum? What exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Sounds like you are implying that her options are going to be to date you or have no contact. She will choose no contact without looking back.

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Ultimatums only work on people who care, your ex apparently doesn't care, so why would she respond to an ultimatum?

 

You: Date me or else...

 

Her: Or else please.

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DouglasFirr

I actually have to speak to her in order to get my things back. Some which aren't even mine. So hence the contact

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I actually have to speak to her in order to get my things back. Some which aren't even mine. So hence the contact

 

I consider that the single exception to the NC rule. You do have to finish your business together & sort out the stuff. Once that is complete, just stay away.

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