left boyfriend to have space to think, now tables turned

[trueluV]

Hello there,

I am so sad and frustrated and shaking now.

can you guys please help me, i would really appreciate it.

 

He and I are both in our 30's, were best friends for a while and turned into something more and been together for about 4 years. we had a long distance relationship (14 hours difference) for a couple years and decided we want to be together and i quit my job and moved to his country to be with him.

 

it has been about 2 months since i moved there and i haven't found a full-time job yet. i had a professional job before and not working and not being able to contribute to the household income and not being able to speak the language nor having any friends made me stressed out without realizing and i became negative and focused on small matters such as do i have to clean the house today and do laundry while he's at work, such things, and we could have small silly quarrels once a while.

 

one day i couldn't take it anymore and bought the flight ticket and left his place. i emailed him afterwards explaining why i left, and that i thought having space will help us build a better stronger relationship.

no reply for a week from him at all.

i emailed again acknowledging my negativity there and told him i only have good memories with him and i miss him, and i want to go back and see him as long as he's ok with it.

 

he replied in a very straight forward and cold tone that leaving his place was a bad idea. but he will let me stay at his place for a certain time, and after that we find a place together or we live separately.

i took it as a positive sign and decided to purchase the flight ticket and told him i will arrive on such day.

first he said 'ok', then came another email saying, he thought i would take more time to think about if it's worth or not to come back here again, and added unless i have a strong will to live there with him (including job), he doesn't mind i change my plan. !!!!

 

how should i interpret this?

i understand this guy is hurt and even felt betrayed i left his place while he was at work without discussing with him. it's my fault even though it started with a small quarrel that morning.

i know he is extremely upset...

 

what is going on in his mind now??

does he really not want me anymore?

was what i did extremely an unforgivable act?

 

i still really care about him and miss him so much.

i want to try to makes things work with him.

 

some friends tell me he is not treating me well enough thinking about the fact i quit my job moved to a different continent to be with him, and add it's not a good sign from the beginning,

others say he is extremely upset about my behavior but still being rational and accepting me.

 

i have no idea why he is doing this to me and what he is trying to tell me, does he really not want to be with me anymore?

 

please help me,

 

thank you!

[mightycpa]

He's not doing this to you. He's doing this for him.

 

At a relatively small bump in the road of life (you had to do housework in your home instead of being able to work for money in an office) you got surly, then you bailed without warning.

 

I can see why you might justify that move, but I'm at a loss as to why you can't recognize the red flags that such a move would raise. Anyway,

 

so you hang out for a while, then you decide it was a bad move, presumably because you still could not get gainful employment, and all of a sudden, starching his underwear doesn't look so bad.

 

You call, arrange to work your way back in, and he thinks, well, yeah, ok, I'm willing to try....

 

Then he gets a little time to think, he finds his self-respect, and has a discussion with it. They both decide that you're probably a little too flaky for consideration as a permanent partner. He's decided to give you another chance (I can't imagine why, because you'd not be welcome back to me), but first you must declare your fealty and dedication to the relationship.

 

As if your word is going to somehow prevent you from doing this again.

 

To recap, he is sorta looking out for himself, but taking a second risk with you. Count your lucky stars he's forgiving and that he really likes you.

[ravfour4]

What!? You maintain a LDR for years and then FINALLY move in together (he's probably super happy) and then after only 2 months you just ditch him? Of course he's going to be devastated, who wouldn't be. Then you sort of kind of say you want to come back? He's being mature about this, you should have spoken of your issues in person you did not need to flee the entire relationship after waiting so long to move in together. Why did you feel like you had to?

[Keenly]

A relationship is a partnership, and you abandoned him without even communicating that you had an issue. He will be resistant to let you back in because he is thinking ".how long until she runs again? "

 

 

 

Also, your friends are filling your head with unhealthy thoughts. That he " isn't doing enough for you after leaving your job and moving to him " But that was your decision. Unless promises were made that he would help you find employment or help you assimilate, he didn't do anything wrong. If you made the conscious decision to drop everything and move to him, that's a choice that you made of your own free will.

 

 

Anyway, he will be hesitant to let you come back. You showed Him how you handle hard times in a relationship, and it's up to him to decide if that is his cup of tea. The only thing you can do now is be Kind and understanding.

[lauri]

Are you sure you love him and want to be with him? Your actions really appear otherwise. If I was him, I'd think I lost you and that things are over. On top of that too, I would be extremely confused on why you would do such a thing...in my mind I'd start questioning if there is another guy, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing you of anything I'm just trying to explain what frame of mind he may be in.

 

What was your reasons for leaving like you did?

[trueluV]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

it is helping me a lot to see the situation in a third point of view without being too emotional.

 

I don't justify that i left his place, i know it was a wrong move and i regret it.

 

Why it happened...

it started with a very small and silly quarrel that morning when i told him i am still sleepy in bed, and he had to wake up to go to work. after i said that he told me i am complaining, and i always complain. so i said this is not complaining.

but i guess he took it as a complain because i have been so negative in the past few weeks.

he said i complain all the time, and got up and got ready to go to work and left without a word to me. Honestly i felt so hurt.

I didn't think saying that one word would make him blow up.

but i guess things has piled up on him too, about me, so it happened.

 

then, i felt so lost and frustrated left in the room just like that and he ignoring me. i called my friend out of frustration and she told me, why are you there being treated like that. you left your career for him and cooking for him everyday and doing household chores, and he should help you with the transition, instead of pointing fingers at you.

she said, just pack your clothes and fly back.

i didn't fly back to where i originally left which was 14 hours away by plane, but to where my friend lived, 2 hours away.

still, i admit it was not a good choice.

i was trembling that time and didn't have a cool head, so i just bought the flight ticket and left.

 

that's how it started.

i emailed him at the airport, and emailed him again the next day.

i told him i was hurt and frustrated.

somehow, deep down, maybe i am so childish or a romantist , and thought he might apologize to me. but instead he didn't reply for a week.

 

of course i've been thinking about it, and the more i think the more i thought i made a mistake and missed him and realized my negativity and how it would've effected him. i wrote him an email and asked i would like to try and can i go back.

 

so i know, i know that leaving him was a bad idea, but my head was not cool enough to think about the consequences that time.

i really regret it, looking at things from distance, i want to see the big picture why i moved to be there with him, and try with him again.

 

i know he is very upset now, and he is giving me a chance.

though his response is so cold, he still is.

but he also said everything depends on me now, to come back or not, if i'm willing to try, it's left to me and he doesn't really care what decision i make.

 

i'm so confused... he is giving me a chance, but he also doesn't really care if i come back to him or not, whether this relationship is over...

 

what's in his mind, and what should i do in this situation?

i told him i want to see his face and talk about things, willing to work things out, so i will go this weekend

[Woggle]

In his mind you left him and ended the relationship so he is protecting his heart. It is a survival tactic.

[yxalitis]

You bought a ticket and flew to another country without telling him?

No, that's wrong on so many levels...

 

That's nearly as bad as the "Dear John" letter

[quattrob]

You should feel terrible about what you did.. why would you even question if what you did is that bad? You obviously are thinking and being selfish still. You only care about what you want, you don't care about him and his feelings. If you really cared about the relationship and him then you wouldn't have left without telling him/discussing with him.

 

My mom did the same to my dad, just left one night without telling my dad and till now even tho she's been trying to treat me super nice, I still can't fully accept what she did.

 

You only care about your own happiness, you should really think it over and if you want to make it all better, you need to start trying to understand that it's not just about you.

Edited July 1, 2015 by quattrob

[Mrin]

I'm with the rest of the posters. What you did was incredibly immature. It sounds like you let your friend have a pretty big influence on your actions. You shouldn't.

[ravfour4]

Not to be rude, but this sounds super immature for a 30+ year old, this sounds like something a super immature 20 year old who got cheated on by her previous bf and has crazy trust issues would do.

 

He was tired and probably frustrated about work and you complaining, you complained again and he was mad and left. He expected to come home and make it up to you and hang out and you ditched and flew away. If you did that over something so small and pointless, what would you do over a real argument? And if you're so open to your friend's opinions....what else will you do that they tell you?

 

You made a mistake and it's understandable he's so mad. You need to sincerely apologize and admit to being immature and hopefully he accepts it

[CarrieT]

Yep, I'm with the others; you bailed. I'm a woman and I would take that as a breakup move and not ask you back...

[54JA]

I am imagining that moving to another country and settling is extremely stressful and is lonely. You didn't have the support network you had at home when you were going through a major transition in your life. All of what could go wrong went wrong. I am imagining that you were frustrated, stressed, and needed support from him, but could not communicate that to him well. He was frustrated and could not see what you needed. I think that before rushing back to his place, it might be best to really think about what type of support you would need when you return to the country, whether it is for finding a job, developing a network of friends (support from others) or emotional support from him (for example, understanding and appreciation for your sacrifice to be with him). You might take this time to really think about what you need and clearly articulate to him so that he would not be left clueless. Sounds like he is really hurt and angry, but also a nice enough guy to give you a second chance. He might be willing to give you what you need if you talk to him in concrete terms.

[aisuru]

Yike!

 

I know you're taking a hit here, but I too would never go back to somebody who did what you did.

 

I'm sorry. If you have any chance/hope, you're gonna have to grovel a LOT. And that still may not work.

 

Perhaps you had a subconscious awareness that this wasn't going to work?

[Acacia98]

You sacrificed too much @trueluV. At the end of the day, that's what it comes down to. You sacrificed too much and didn't know how to speak up for yourself. So you ultimately allowed the frustration to build up and it exploded in your faces with you buying a ticket and taking off.

 

You should see your actions as a cry for help. You were losing sight of who you were and sinking into depression because you gave up what might have been an active life, friends, family etc. to spend your life with this one person. People who've never done that may have no clue as to how difficult that is.

 

I strongly suggest that you don't rush back to that situation. There was obviously a problem with it and running back won't address that problem. You need to sit down and think seriously about whether you want to make the kind of sacrifices that this relationship demands of you. If, deep down inside, you really don't want to live in his country, isolated from everything and everyone you know and love, then be honest about that. It's okay if you don't want to make that sacrifice. And it's okay if he doesn't want to make a similar sacrifice for you.

 

Now, let me be honest. What you did was extreme, and it's understandable that he might have lost his trust in you. But I think your situation was extreme already: for crying out loud, you don't even speak the language in his country... What happens if you're in that situation and your relationship ends? What happens if he becomes abusive? You're 100% dependent on him. Best-case scenario, being that dependent on somebody is unhealthy. Worst-case scenario, it's dangerous.

 

If I were you, I would also pay attention to what my friends were telling me. The conversations you report having with them suggest that they believe an unhealthy dynamic had already started to creep into your relationship. It's possible that what you're calling silly arguments or little fights were more than that. I ultimately don't know if that's the case. But if you spend time thinking about it, you may be able to figure it out.

[aloneinaz]

Personally, though you handled it poorly, you made the right decision. Relationships are hard enough. To move to a country w/no friends, no job, no family and not being able to speak the language? Yea, that's not a combination that's meant for success. Couple that with maybe him not helping you enough with the transition, and you have what happened.

 

 

You should let him know that at this point, you're going to stay broken up and wish him luck. Apologize for handling it poorly again. Then, go back to where you have your support network and meet someone new.

[Amelie1980]

Going against the masses here.

The OP gave up everything for him and she found it hard. Not even speaking the language: i struggle on vacation but living that life.....! No friends no family no job.

 

He wanted this relationship too what did HE do to ease the transition?

 

If nothing much i am not surprised you found it too much.

[mightycpa]

Going against the masses here.

The OP gave up everything for him and she found it hard. Not even speaking the language: i struggle on vacation but living that life.....! No friends no family no job.

 

He wanted this relationship too what did HE do to ease the transition?

 

If nothing much i am not surprised you found it too much.

Leaving because it's hard? Fine.

 

Bugging out of country without a word is inexcusable, no matter how hard you might find your new life.

[lauri]

I know this may sound strange to ask but are your friends you went to guys or girls in the other country?

 

Also, there is no shame in not wanting to live in another country. Some people are strong enough and some aren't. My ex broke up with me because I lived abroad and she couldn't handle moving there...but the truth is it was because she couldn't see herself with me forever.

 

You sound like you are going through a lot of emotions. My opinion is you may be scared to do these things with HIM. Meaning, you may be having second thoughts about him. Think deep inside what it is, only you know.

[stillafool]

Me thinks he liked how he felt after you left and doesn't want to get back involved with drama again.

[trueluV]

Thanks for all your replies, and thanks @54JA for understanding my situation.

 

Only a small part of myself and my background is revealed in this thread, and only the fact that i moved to another country to be with my bf and left that country is revealed. just looking at that fact, i am the most terrible person, very immature, no patience, very flaky.. yes, i know that all.

 

i know my behavior was not a good choice and i regret it for hurting him.

 

my ex boyfriend of 5 years disappeared out of nowhere and i've never heard from him again, so i understand the pain and anger someone can feel when the person you trusted the most and loved does this to you.

 

yes, i was frustrated in the new country i went, but it wasn't as simple as that. the original country i met him, 14 hours away by plane, is already not my native country. i went there, learned the language, went to college & grad school and found a job as a foreigner and tried hard to establish my career and life there. english is my second language.

i met my boyfriend there, and after he moved back to his country, which is different from my native country and where i was working, he asked me to move to his country to be together.

i wanted to be with him too, but i was concerned about the realities, the ones i am worrying about now -no money, no friends, not speaking and reading the language. i was worried about all those especially money because i knew it would take some time to find a job.

 

he and i talked about it for months and months, he convincing me- do not worry about money, do not worry about anything, he will be there for me for anything. i kept asking are you sure, and that's how i moved there.

 

but after i went, and it's only been about 2 months, things seem different. don't get me wrong, i am not blaming him at all.

i truly love him and think he did a lot for me too.

 

but the reality- him working long hours, coming home at midnight everyday, me cooking and preparing his dinner everyday, cleaning, washing, absolutely no one to talk to all day long - all of these contributed to my frustration and depression.

 

i still want to be with him and make things work. i sincerely apologized to him several times for my impulsive behavior. i just have to hope him to accept me again.

i really want to try harder to adapt to the new environment, get a job, be happy with him, which was the whole point of me moving there.

 

whatever the situation was, what i did was not good, i regret and don't want to make that kind of mistake again.

thanks for letting me look at the situation objectively.

[trueluV]

@lauri,

 

i said friend's house, but to be exact, i went to my sister's house.

i got frustrated and called my sister, and she told me why are you suffering this much. just come to her place and cool my head off for a bit.

she bought the plane ticket for me and said, don't think about anything, just come now.

 

i was trembling that time and not rational enough to think, just took the plane and flew two hours to be there.

i emailed him before leaving that i will be away for awhile, and emailed him the next morning also to explain.

 

i was planning to just cool off for a bit and go back that weekend, but of course things didn't go as i thought.

 

i regret my behavior.

[54JA]

Good to hear from you again. I hope you are feeling a little better today.

 

You have already acknowledged that you made a mistake by leaving so suddenly, so don't beat yourself up so much. I want you to be able to really think about what's best for you. It's one thing to go to another country for the sole purpose of being with someone during a vacation, but it's a complete different story when it comes to starting over long term. You are gonna need a whole lot of support and whole a lot of patience until you cultivate support network in a new place for you to be comfortable. I really hope that you two can communicate well and work on finding a solution. Good luck.

[lauri]

@lauri,

 

i said friend's house, but to be exact, i went to my sister's house.

i got frustrated and called my sister, and she told me why are you suffering this much. just come to her place and cool my head off for a bit.

she bought the plane ticket for me and said, don't think about anything, just come now.

 

i was trembling that time and not rational enough to think, just took the plane and flew two hours to be there.

i emailed him before leaving that i will be away for awhile, and emailed him the next morning also to explain.

 

i was planning to just cool off for a bit and go back that weekend, but of course things didn't go as i thought.

 

i regret my behavior.

 

Okay I see very clearly now why you did what you did. It makes perfect sense.

 

You're actually not a bad person at all. As a matter of fact, the pressures of what you are going through makes sense.

 

Firstly, you cannot help how you feel. I have experience moving from Toronto, Canada to Singapore for 1 year. I did it, and tried to convince my ex to come. She refused, wanted to stay in Canada and work. We did long distance, talked about marriage and being together. I decided, for her and my family, id go home and be with them. I met her parents in Kuwait on the way home as her father wanted to spend time with me and wanted me to marry his daughter (she's middle eastern, lebanese, I'm italian).

 

Although she loved me at first, she couldn't handle the pressure of me firstly being away, then coming home leaving a well paying job and career, and looking to eventually marry her. All this pressure pilled on her and everything changed. Her father was telling her to marry me asap. She started to lose interest and doubt if she wanted to be with me. She snapped and broke up with me as soon as I got home. She did beg for me back at one point (mainly out of guilt one year later) but I didn't let her back in. She fell out of love and I couldn't ever get her to love me again.

 

My point is, your feeling are due to a lot of things. You cannot change how you feel. I understand you should have handled it differently and changed the way you acted, but sometimes, when you're in very difficult situations, it's hard to hold yourself together.

 

I sense you feel extremely guilty and bad about what you've done. You can't stand the fact of your ex potentially hating you and wanting nothing to do with you. All these feelings are valid and I understand. But, with that said, do not mistake your guilt and shame for being in love with him and wanting to be with him. You left for many reasons - all you can do is think deep down inside if you truly love him enough to go through all this hardship.

 

You have two options - you can go back and move mountains to make it work. You can learn the language, improve yourself and adapt to your new surroundings. Or alternatively, if you don't love him enough or he wont take you back, you should go back, apologize for what you've done, pack your bags and move on.

 

What is your gut telling you to do?

Edited July 2, 2015 by lauri

[Fleur de cactus]

TrueLuve

I agree that you were sad, angry. You left everything to live with the person you love. He did not have any excuses to be mean to you, and there was a time you asked yourself, what I am doing here.

 

However, what you did was childish. Unless you are in danger, and you are trying to safe your life, you do not leave someone like that without telling him. Email and a note left behind is not enough. You are 30 year old woman, in the future remember, communication is important. Maybe you wanted to make him suffer the way you ex did to you but it was very wrong. Flying to another country? not even a place he can drive to and come to talk? I am sure now he may wonder what you will do in the future, if you have kids together, if one day he will not come home to find that you took the kids and left. You should notify him. You did not need his permission but you could say," listen I need a break or time to think, I want you to know what tomorrow I am flying back. " Just simple.