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6 yrs together, he dumped me & he cheated


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pillowpuffs

Hi, as you can tell, I am new to this forum but I recently went through a devastating break up so I started searching online for forums and blogs to help me cope with the break up and I came across LoveShack. Reading some of the stories and comments here have been helpful in helping me move on and so I thought maybe it would be a good idea to share my story and have people hear me out.

 

I would also like to share that I haven't exactly read a story similar to mine so far on the various forums and blogs that I have visited so it has honestly been really hard to have even a flicker of hope in this incredibly dark time. I would really appreciate any comments and thoughts that anyone has, especially if someone experienced something similar:

 

My ex-boyfriend and I got together when we were 18 and had a on and off relationship for 6 years (24 this year). He was my everything and my first for everything too; my first love, my first boyfriend, my first kiss etc. The past 2 and a half years it has been very much on. I have to be honest and say that I was always a lot more invested in the relationship than he was. I gave him all of me and I would not get very much in return. I still did love him very very much and I genuinely thought he loved me too. He wouldn't like to label our relationship and warned me that maybe things would not go anywhere with us but we should still try it out since we were young. It was honestly a very complicated relationship where we would do our own thing, meet and go on dates 2-3 times a week and we would call each other every night to say goodnight and to tell each other we loved each other. Over the years, generally our relationship got better, he would call me his girlfriend and he got more comfortable with my family (I never met his parents; I know its ridiculous but he said they were conservative and I believed him. They knew I existed and that I was his girlfriend though), he hadn't mentioned the whole 'its not going anywhere' thing for about 2 years. I thought we were progressing, I felt more involved in his life.

 

Anyway, as we are college students, he went off for an exchange experience for 6 months to another country. He promised me before he left that he wouldn't cheat, that he would return to me, that we would be okay. When he first left, things were alright. But after a while, he got so wrapped up in his life overseas that he wouldn't contact me much, we would argue about how little he would call and he was really just interested in partying and having a great time. I decided to let him do his own thing; I didn't want to hold him back so I took a step back and gave him the space he wanted. We would text everyday and were still boyfriend and girlfriend, but I stopped expecting too much out of him because I didn't want to be a stifling figure in his life.

 

During the exchange period, about a month and a half in, he called me and said something about his feelings - that perhaps he wasn't so sure about me and his feelings for me anymore. We talked things over and told each other that we still loved each other and that we would wait till he got back before we made any decision because maybe it was him being away that made him feel different. After that chat, things went back to normal, we still told each other we loved each other every night and would be as affectionate as possible on text/call.

 

In his last three weeks of him being overseas (around May), I went for a trip, with my friends, to the country he was in. He was supposed to meet me at some part of my trip as I was hopping around the country. He did come and meet me on my last few days of the trip. Things were different between us. I could feel it. Everytime I pointed it out to him, he would get annoyed and say "Will you stop saying that I used to do abc and now I won't do abc/now I'm doing xyz?", he would get frustrated about it. He was distant while still being somewhat affectionate. I was confused but was sure that when we got back to being in the same country in a few days, that things would work itself out.

 

Also for some reason, I felt like he had cheated on me and point blank asked if he had and said that I wouldn't be mad and that we could deal with it. He flipped it around and said that if I was asking if he cheated, it meant that maybe I cheated and that's why I was asking him. I hadn't at all cheated. In fact, for our 6 years together, I was 100% loyal and honest with him. I didn't even entertain the thought of another guy. To me, he was all I ever wanted and I didn't need to look elsewhere for attention or love or whatever. Anyway, he denied cheating.

 

While we were out shopping on my trip, he received a message from this girl on his phone (there were some photos on Facebook of him with this same girl where they looked a bit cosy and I got annoyed with them when I saw them and had told him I didn't like the photos and what not - he assured me it was nothing and that I was being crazy.) I got into a bit of a foul mood and again, he told me I had nothing to worry about and that I was nuts because he was just receiving a message from a friend.

 

On our last night together (we were staying in the same room), things really did not seem right and so I probed and probed until he finally told me: "We have no future, we got together so young, we shouldn't have stayed together for as long as we did." I was obviously broken. He said he wanted to go back and see how things went and I told him that I couldn't do that (which I really regret saying now :() because I waited for him for 6 months, I had done this with him for 6 years, why didn't he know what he wanted, why did we have to go back and see how things go? I felt like he should have known for sure already. Either way, I think he was quite glad that I said that because he immediately said fine then, if thats how you feel then we should break up, I'm 100% sure. It was extremely painful and hurtful but I guess I could somewhat accept it even though I didn't want to break up.

 

I cried the whole night through while we slept together on the same bed (we were both leaving to the airport the next day and were going to the airport together). The next morning, I just had this feeling that I had to go through his phone (I have only ever done this once or twice like 4 years ago) and while he was in the shower, I did... and I found out from there that he had cheated on me with this other girl (the same one from the pictures). The messages were explicit and she said she was in love with him and what not. It was horribly painful to read through and I shudder now even when I think of what was said between the two of them.

 

I confronted him about it the moment I saw it and he said it meant nothing, he was sorry, and it was just words between him and this girl and whatever, that we were breaking up because of us having no future, not because of some other girl but I can't be sure. I think he lied. I think he cares about this girl or maybe he felt something real with her that he hadn't with me or I don't know... This girl doesn't live in the same country as us, she lives far away but he met her while he was on exchange, they were in the same university together. Either way, I don't know what the deal is with her and him now; whether they are dating or not but I have not been dealing with all of this well.

 

The breakup and subsequent betrayal blindsided me. I told him off in text (after we parted at the airport) to tell him he was disgusting and that I hated him for what he did (amongst other things). I told him he owed me honesty because I think he wasn't honest about his cheating. He said whatever he wanted to placate me for that moment. He replied my text by just sort of brushing it off and said that I shouldn't have invaded his privacy and read his phone and that he wasn't going to discuss his indiscretions with me further (that was sickening to hear - I knew after that that I wasn't going to get anything out of him, that he wasn't guilty or truly sorry) and that he couldn't apologise enough for what he did. He said he was sorry I found out the way I did.

 

I haven't contacted him since that message that I sent a day after we broke up and he hasn't bothered with me either. I am so so broken because I see now that this guy did not give a **** about me... I didn't really get 'closure' either. When he got back to our country a few days after me, he didn't say a thing, and hasn't said a thing. It has been a little bit over a month and we haven't spoken. He is constantly on my mind and I have so many questions for him. It has been hard to move on and let go. I do not feel like the same person. I've lost myself and I think I've fallen into a bit of a rut. I am finding it very hard to leave the house and do anything at the moment (thankfully I'm on break from school for now), even participating in a conversation is hard.

 

He ruined me for everyone; for the people I love and for me and for anyone else that could have entered my life because I feel like I am nothing because I was nothing to him. He didn't care for me. I wasn't good enough and truth be told, throughout our relationship, I didn't feel good enough either.

I don't know how I'm going to move on. I know for a fact that I will always love him, possibly always be in love with him and that I'll never get over him. I don't think I'll ever find anyone else and I guess I am afraid of being alone.

 

I apologise for how long this is. I wanted to get everything out so that everyone could get a clear picture. Plus writing this so precisely has been somewhat of a cathartic release for me.

 

If you managed to get through this whole rant, thanks for hearing me out.

Edited by pillowpuffs
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pillowpuffs

I know my post was really long but does anyone have any thoughts? Would really appreciate it. Thank you.

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Hello there,

 

First of all, I am really sorry you are going through this. It's very hard and I understand completely how you are feeling right now.

 

My GF of 6 years cheated and dumped me for someone else, too and it has been hell for the past 2-3 months. I did all the bad things I wasn't supposed to do: begging, pleading, whining and all that stuff.

 

The only thing you can and should do right now is go full NC. It will give you time to heal. I know you're only thinking about a potential reconciliation right now, but you should not.

 

I know just how hard this is to do, but trust me, you will be better off in the long run.

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pillowpuffs

Thank you very much for your response. Im sorry you had to go through this too. It really is awful huh :(.

 

Did your ex-gf contact you? My ex has not contacted me at all, it makes me feel even worse because I felt like our whole time together meant nothing and that I really meant nothing to him as well. I've struggled with whether I should contact him but I know I won't get anything good out of it. I have been in NC for over a month... I don't know if I'll heal and I know reconciliation is not on the table because he fell out of love with me.

 

I especially hate how I'm going through this and I'm so miserable but he is completely fine and happy. He parties 3-4 times a week and goes out all the time and looks just great (I know all of this from my friends who have seen him out). Meanwhile I can't even function.

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La.Primavera
He said he wanted to go back and see how things went and I told him that I couldn't do that (which I really regret saying now :()

 

Please don't regret saying this. You should be proud of yourself for finally letting him know that what he was offering wasn't good enough for you anymore. You deserve so much better than a guy that doesn't want a future with you and strings you along. It says a lot about his character. You made the right decision when it mattered which goes to prove that deep down you do not feel completely worthless and you do have higher standards than you realize. You could have stayed with him and continued the charade but you decided to put your needs first. Finding out he was a two timing cheat only goes to prove you absolutely did the right thing.

 

It may not feel that way now but in time you will get passed these painful feelings and find a guy who will treat you better. You will look back at this guy and wonder what you ever saw in him. He was never good enough for you. Although it was hurtful and knocked your confidence it wasn't a completely wasted experience because you have learnt some valuable lessons about relationships and what are warning signs that a guy is not worth your time. You listed plenty of red flags in your post and I'm sure there are others that will help warn you in the future if a particular guy isn't worth getting emotionally invested in.

 

I know it must be very hard for you right now and I'm sorry that you are hurting. It was your first love and a long time to have someone in your life but I assure you that you can and will have a better life without him. You are right, you are not the same person anymore. You are more wiser and cautious now. You may be feeling withdrawn and down right now but maybe you need this time to help you heal. However, if you think it is getting worse rather than better I would recommend talking to a doctor as bad breakups can lead to depression and other issues so it is important to take care of yourself.

 

Use this time to focus on yourself and things that make you happy. Find new interests and goals that give you a sense of direction for your life. You are at the perfect age to start thinking about all the different things you would like to do and experience. Remember this is your journey, not his. Rather than focusing on him and how he ruined you for other people, focus on proving that theory wrong. He has done enough damage, don't let him do anymore. You certainly don't need his approval anymore. You can pick yourself up and build a better life without him. Prove to yourself that you are not worthless and find a way to rebuild your confidence again.

 

There will be hard days but it will get easier in time. Just remind yourself that you did the right thing. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If a guy doesn't behave that way, kick him to the curb.

 

All the best.

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La.Primavera
My ex has not contacted me at all, it makes me feel even worse because I felt like our whole time together meant nothing and that I really meant nothing to him as well. I've struggled with whether I should contact him but I know I won't get anything good out of it. I have been in NC for over a month... I don't know if I'll heal and I know reconciliation is not on the table because he fell out of love with me.

 

I especially hate how I'm going through this and I'm so miserable but he is completely fine and happy. He parties 3-4 times a week and goes out all the time and looks just great (I know all of this from my friends who have seen him out). Meanwhile I can't even function.

 

I just wanted to add that this is a reflection on the type of guy he is. A lucky escape for you in the long run, trust me.

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Thank you very much for your response. Im sorry you had to go through this too. It really is awful huh :(.

 

Did your ex-gf contact you? My ex has not contacted me at all, it makes me feel even worse because I felt like our whole time together meant nothing and that I really meant nothing to him as well. I've struggled with whether I should contact him but I know I won't get anything good out of it. I have been in NC for over a month... I don't know if I'll heal and I know reconciliation is not on the table because he fell out of love with me.

 

I especially hate how I'm going through this and I'm so miserable but he is completely fine and happy. He parties 3-4 times a week and goes out all the time and looks just great (I know all of this from my friends who have seen him out). Meanwhile I can't even function.

 

To be honest, she did. She strung me along for months. Even 2 days back, she was still trying to give me hopes. However, she is in a "serious" relationship with the other guy and they are going on a trip to NZ for her birthday in three weeks.

 

She made sure to tell me that. It's been hell for me too and I can't stress the importance of NC enough. All this access to information is making my life a living hell and I wish I didn't know the things I do right now which would have made moving on so much easier.

 

Listen, I know, whatever advice we give you on here would fall to deaf ears. I know how this works because I have been in the same situation like you and I want to help you out. I want to make sure you do not make the same mistakes I did.

 

Begging, pleading and bargaining with him to get back will only push him away. I know I will probably have a hard time with my fellow LS users on here by saying this, but, your best bet at reconciliation is NC. Nothing else.

 

But, don't mistake NC for a manipulative tactic to get him back. NC is not for that. NC is for you to heal, take a step back and analyse your relationship objectively. In a few months time, I'm positive that you will realise you deserve much better.

 

I am 24 as well by the way, which is why I can totally understand how you're feeling right now. There's a whole world ahead of you, so many other people who will genuinely love you.

 

Don't make the same mistakes I did: Go strict NC as from now.

 

Keep us updated, okay?

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pillowpuffs

Hi La. Primavera,

 

Thank you for replying and saying what you said. Affirmations here and there that I did the right thing or that I will be okay really do help - even if just for that moment, it's still something.

 

I hope I do feel like I deserved better and I do hope that I'll get to a point where I'll wonder what I saw in him because right now, I don't see that happening at all. I miss him so much and I think of him all the time that I don't think that I'll ever feel that way. I want to though. I go from wanting him back to wanting to forget him because of how much he hurt me and put me through which is horribly confusing but also just representative of my state of mind, I guess I'm just all muddled up right now.

 

I do agree that he has done enough damage. He has honestly taken the best of me while I feel like I kind of got the worst of him. Especially now, everyone else is having to pick me up and put me together and he's escaped it all. He hasn't had to deal with me, he just broke me and moved right along - I didn't even bother him by sending him a million text messages or by calling him and screaming at him for the hurt he's caused me. He didn't have to deal with any of that with me and I feel annoyed about that because of what he's done.

 

I just wanted to add that this is a reflection on the type of guy he is. A lucky escape for you in the long run, trust me.

 

And yes, a lot of people have said this too. That him being this way is truly a reflection of the sort of person he is; completely self-centred and uncaring.

 

Thanks again for your reply. I have also thought about seeing someone professional about this because I know this ache is not going away for a while and I'm scared to become a recluse and an embittered person because of it but I'm going to see how things go for a bit before I make that decision.

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pillowpuffs
To be honest, she did. She strung me along for months. Even 2 days back, she was still trying to give me hopes. However, she is in a "serious" relationship with the other guy and they are going on a trip to NZ for her birthday in three weeks.

 

That is awful of her to do. I am still in shock, especially after reading through this forum for days, that people can be so cruel and selfish. But honestly, for you to be going through what you are and to still be a consoling figure for me - it says a lot about your character. You really are strong and I hope that in a few months time, I can be at where you are at.

 

I will be under NC. He hasn't said anything to me, like I hoped he would have in this past month and now I see that I just have this little shred of dignity left that I have to hold on to at all costs because he made such a fool out of me so I won't be contacting him (I really hope I have the strength to really do this).

 

When he got back to our country, he even sort of told a lot of people what happened between us or rather he told his two friends and they told everyone (we have quite a few mutual friends) about what happened between as if it was not big deal and as if it meant nothing that he cheated on someone who'd been there with him for 6 years. I really feel like my face is in the mud now :(

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That is awful of her to do. I am still in shock, especially after reading through this forum for days, that people can be so cruel and selfish. But honestly, for you to be going through what you are and to still be a consoling figure for me - it says a lot about your character. You really are strong and I hope that in a few months time, I can be at where you are at.

 

I will be under NC. He hasn't said anything to me, like I hoped he would have in this past month and now I see that I just have this little shred of dignity left that I have to hold on to at all costs because he made such a fool out of me so I won't be contacting him (I really hope I have the strength to really do this).

 

When he got back to our country, he even sort of told a lot of people what happened between us or rather he told his two friends and they told everyone (we have quite a few mutual friends) about what happened between as if it was not big deal and as if it meant nothing that he cheated on someone who'd been there with him for 6 years. I really feel like my face is in the mud now :(

 

I understand.

 

My ex told some mutual friends too, but not as explicitly as she should have. I listened to all the audio messages, saw photos of her with the new guy on the phone. Spent my life savings to go see her with an engagement ring while she was still sleeping with the other guy.

 

You don't want to be where I am at right now. I am an emotional wreck, to be honest with you, but I know in my heart, I will get better. I know she is not the woman for me. The person I deserve.

 

We're still young. Do not look back. Things will get better. I hope you believe this, however hard it might seem right now.

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pillowpuffs
I understand.

 

My ex told some mutual friends too, but not as explicitly as she should have. I listened to all the audio messages, saw photos of her with the new guy on the phone. Spent my life savings to go see her with an engagement ring while she was still sleeping with the other guy.

 

You don't want to be where I am at right now. I am an emotional wreck, to be honest with you, but I know in my heart, I will get better. I know she is not the woman for me. The person I deserve.

 

We're still young. Do not look back. Things will get better. I hope you believe this, however hard it might seem right now.

 

 

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but it is comforting to know someone gets me and knows the pain I'm feeling. Although I do wish no one had to suffer like this - the pain and sense of loss is incredible. I do have a difficult time believing anyone who says it will get better because I know for a fact I will always be in love with this guy. Maybe if I'm lucky one day things will start looking up.

 

Thank you again for everything. Please know I'm also here for you.

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I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but it is comforting to know someone gets me and knows the pain I'm feeling. Although I do wish no one had to suffer like this - the pain and sense of loss is incredible. I do have a difficult time believing anyone who says it will get better because I know for a fact I will always be in love with this guy. Maybe if I'm lucky one day things will start looking up.

 

Thank you again for everything. Please know I'm also here for you.

 

Your mind is playing tricks with you just like my mind is doing the same to me right now. How do I know this? My best friend in high school (we are not close anymore) cheated on his GF of 7 years. My friend is now in Canada on a trip with the other girl.

 

I recently spoke to the GF to find out how she is coping. She tells me she last had contact in October 2014 and she is feeling a lot better lately. She doesn't think about him anymore, doesn't keep tabs on him and even started talking to someone else already.

 

I know, however, whatever I'm saying right now won't make any sense to you. I have been in your position too and I have asked for help several times on this forum while neglecting every piece of advice given to me.

 

Look how it turned out for me, I am still depressed. She is still happy and off to a trip with the new guy. I also recently found out, things are starting to get more serious between them as parents are now involved in their relationship.

 

I am still an emotional wreck, but I'll try my best to make sure you don't make the same mistakes I did and that you will be a little better off than me. Please listen to the pieces of advice these guys will give to you and take it.

 

Trust me, right now, you're not thinking straight and you can easily mess up this situation and ensure months of depression.

 

Read this guide and stick with NC, please.

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pillowpuffs
Your mind is playing tricks with you just like my mind is doing the same to me right now. How do I know this? My best friend in high school (we are not close anymore) cheated on his GF of 7 years. My friend is now in Canada on a trip with the other girl.

 

Hearing that makes me feel a bit nauseous. I know the point is that his ex girlfriend is coping and managing much better than before but it's so hard for me to understand how someone can be so special to you and to them, you are just nothing and they have no conscience about it. I really find it hard to accept that while I'm in pain, he's doing fine and he's talking to this other girl and he's there for her and what not.. it kills me.

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Hearing that makes me feel a bit nauseous. I know the point is that his ex girlfriend is coping and managing much better than before but it's so hard for me to understand how someone can be so special to you and to them, you are just nothing and they have no conscience about it. I really find it hard to accept that while I'm in pain, he's doing fine and he's talking to this other girl and he's there for her and what not.. it kills me.

 

You will get over it, in time. Believe me, but more importantly, believe in NC.

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Sorry you're going through this, it seems like your breakup was pretty fresh.

 

Ride the waves, go through the emotions and find comfort for a while by seeing others threads here and post when you feel weak.

 

You are strong, you deserve better, do NOT give in to any temptation to reconcile. Although cheating is the most disgusting thing to do to somebody else, it should give you finality that this person is not worth you and your values and you don't need somebody like this in your life.

 

In my case, my ex left me when everything was apparently 'perfect' - it hurt so much because I was pining for a while wondering what the actual F**K was going on.

 

Stay strong, strict NC and you will slowly start to detach and heal. Who knows what happens in the future? I genuinely bet that your ex will come back at some point, either to approach you to 'check in' or be a @ss, but you need not to worry about that, focus on the NOW, YOU, and YOUR HEALING.

 

Sending love and positive energy your way xx

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After reading your post OP, I think you need to hear a guys blunt perspective on what you could of done better here. I do think you need to talk to a professional and discuss your low self esteem. Why on earth would you stay in any kind of a relationship with a person who repeatedly told you he didn't see a future? You never met his parents either? Not to be mean but.. you came across to him as a door mat. You were needy, clingy, smothering and continued to take his poor treatment? Why?

 

 

I don't think you should be mad at him. You should be mad at yourself for staying in that dysfunctional relationship for 6 years. You're putting all the blame on him vs. taking any responsibility for YOUR actions in allowing it year after year. A person with good self esteem and pride would of told him to f-off years ago.

 

 

You have a great opportunity to learn from this. I know it hurts and please understand I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Sometimes people need a firm, blunt view point. You're still very young. Learn from this what you can and find someone who would be THRILLED to be fully committed to you. This guy was a douche bag for using you, no doubt.

 

 

If ever someone needs to INGORE and vanish from their exes life, it's you. I wouldn't have ANY further contact with him again. Heal from this. Get some therapy and discuss it with a pro so you don't stay in poor/dysfunctional relationships in the future.

 

 

You'll get through this and it will be easiest by staying full NC. :)

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stillafool

Absolutely do not have any further conversations with him. Trust me nothing he can tell you is going to make you feel better. He cannot give you closure you have to make your own. Any questions he answers for you will only lead to more questions he doesn't want to answer. He has shown you and told you how he feels about you and you need to accept it and move on. It is normal to have a hard time getting over your first love but you can do it.

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Clarence_Boddicker

You live & you learn. At least you didn't end up preggo or with an STD. Sorry you spent so much time with a douche. There were warning signs from the beginning that he wasn't 100% into you. Be more selective with your next relationship & end it if things get bad. Don't settle for less than 100%. Go full NC & forget about him.

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OP- So sincerely sorry to read of your break up. One that will linger and hurt for awhile. We are here to support you.

Ignore any poor advisal here on LS..... You are not of low esteem, It happens to the best of us! You are hurting and no doubt questioning every action and words said. In due time when the emotions clear, you will come to accept this finality and that you had some good times and some poor choices of words exchanged. Its apart of learning.

For now....cry, get angry, write it out if you must. You are in the early phases and it takes while to bounce back. Be your own best friend...compassion for yourself works wonders!

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pillowpuffs
Sorry you're going through this, it seems like your breakup was pretty fresh.

 

Ride the waves, go through the emotions and find comfort for a while by seeing others threads here and post when you feel weak.

 

You are strong, you deserve better, do NOT give in to any temptation to reconcile. Although cheating is the most disgusting thing to do to somebody else, it should give you finality that this person is not worth you and your values and you don't need somebody like this in your life.

 

In my case, my ex left me when everything was apparently 'perfect' - it hurt so much because I was pining for a while wondering what the actual F**K was going on.

 

Stay strong, strict NC and you will slowly start to detach and heal. Who knows what happens in the future? I genuinely bet that your ex will come back at some point, either to approach you to 'check in' or be a @ss, but you need not to worry about that, focus on the NOW, YOU, and YOUR HEALING.

 

Sending love and positive energy your way xx

 

Thank you very much for your reply. Im sorry for what you're going through too. It really does hurt and the pain is very real but I do hope that like what everyone else says, we will heal.

 

I will continue NC. I do not have a wish to reach him anymore after how bad he hurt me. And he's washed his hands clean off of me so I won't hear from him either.

 

Take care and thanks again.

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pillowpuffs
After reading your post OP, I think you need to hear a guys blunt perspective on what you could of done better here. I do think you need to talk to a professional and discuss your low self esteem. Why on earth would you stay in any kind of a relationship with a person who repeatedly told you he didn't see a future? You never met his parents either? Not to be mean but.. you came across to him as a door mat. You were needy, clingy, smothering and continued to take his poor treatment? Why?

 

 

I don't think you should be mad at him. You should be mad at yourself for staying in that dysfunctional relationship for 6 years. You're putting all the blame on him vs. taking any responsibility for YOUR actions in allowing it year after year. A person with good self esteem and pride would of told him to f-off years ago.

 

 

You have a great opportunity to learn from this. I know it hurts and please understand I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Sometimes people need a firm, blunt view point. You're still very young. Learn from this what you can and find someone who would be THRILLED to be fully committed to you. This guy was a douche bag for using you, no doubt.

 

 

If ever someone needs to INGORE and vanish from their exes life, it's you. I wouldn't have ANY further contact with him again. Heal from this. Get some therapy and discuss it with a pro so you don't stay in poor/dysfunctional relationships in the future.

 

 

You'll get through this and it will be easiest by staying full NC. :)

 

Thank you for your comment, thank you for making the time to read about my situation as well. I really do appreciate blunt/harsh comments. I do generally agree that it's good to face reality head on and have people be brutally honest with me. However, I feel you took it a bit too far with some of your remarks. For example, to say that I was 'needy, clingy and smothering' is something that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know how you could have derived that from my original post and it is not accurate.

 

I agree with you that I became nothing more than a doormat to him. That I lost myself in the relationship. That I made him the centre of my universe when I shouldn't have and that perhaps I had very little respect for myself in the relationship. Perhaps that has something to do with low self-esteem. I'm not sure. I hope I never make this mistake again and I am fully able to take responsibility for where I should have seen red flags but was too blinded or too much in denial to see it. I think we all make that mistake and for someone who was my first love, I truly would have done anything for him... perhaps thats why I'm now a massive fool. But I loved honestly, I was true and good to him - I can't say that I would blame myself for that.

 

I do think he deserves a lot of the blame because he betrayed me. I was willing to accept, as I said in my original post, that he saw no future with me but to be dishonest and to be disloyal, that does deserve my anger and I will fault him for that. He was a coward in many ways.

 

I genuinely do appreciate your post and I understand where you're coming from but I feel you have overstepped the boundary in some ways. I hope you will not take offence to what I said, I do not mean it that way at all - I just felt the need to stand up for myself.

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pillowpuffs
Absolutely do not have any further conversations with him. Trust me nothing he can tell you is going to make you feel better. He cannot give you closure you have to make your own. Any questions he answers for you will only lead to more questions he doesn't want to answer. He has shown you and told you how he feels about you and you need to accept it and move on. It is normal to have a hard time getting over your first love but you can do it.

 

Thank you for your comment. I do agree I have to make my own closure, it is a struggle and I don't know when and if I'll get there but here's hoping.

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pillowpuffs
You live & you learn. At least you didn't end up preggo or with an STD. Sorry you spent so much time with a douche. There were warning signs from the beginning that he wasn't 100% into you. Be more selective with your next relationship & end it if things get bad. Don't settle for less than 100%. Go full NC & forget about him.

 

Yes there were warning signs but I was a huge fool. I really did love him in a stupid and foolish way. I really do hope I can forget about him. I am terrified that I won't be able to. I'm terrified that if I see him (by chance - I do not plan on actually seeing him) that any progress I've made will be ruined. But I guess I can't help that.

 

Thank you for your comment though, I appreciate it.

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pillowpuffs
OP- So sincerely sorry to read of your break up. One that will linger and hurt for awhile. We are here to support you.

Ignore any poor advisal here on LS..... You are not of low esteem, It happens to the best of us! You are hurting and no doubt questioning every action and words said. In due time when the emotions clear, you will come to accept this finality and that you had some good times and some poor choices of words exchanged. Its apart of learning.

For now....cry, get angry, write it out if you must. You are in the early phases and it takes while to bounce back. Be your own best friend...compassion for yourself works wonders!

 

Thank you very much for your comment Tayla. I am hoping to see some sense in all of this soon - I hoping to learn to accept that some people are just selfish and for some reason, you give them your everything and they trample all over it. And I am hoping to accept that sometimes in life, you get hurt in ways that you really don't deserve and that the people who do it can walk away scot-free and HAPPY because they're free of you. It's been a very painful experience. I feel a profound sense of loss and even though I'm hoping for a lot, I have to be honest and say I don't know when and if it'll even happen.

 

I realise now more than ever that I have to save myself, that I was so content and full of life because I had my ex in my life (even he wasn't 100% there) and now I need to make my own happiness. Maybe some day..

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Oh.. Im so sorry for everything that happened to you.

 

First of all, how dare him to tell you that you shouldn't have touched his phone? Is he insane? Im sorry to tell you this, but i think someone who says that after the were caught cheating, is a really shady person.

 

I know that getting no closure is the worst, because it has you hanging in there and you just don't know if its really over, you just can't believe it, i have been there.

 

After all i read, i would recommend to you that you try to move on, i know you had no closure, but its easy to see that this guy does not want to be in a relationship with you anymore... I know its hard, but at least by reading your story, thats the conclusion i have. Because, first of all, you guys were in a relationship for 6 years, yet you never met his parents? I would believe him about the conservative parents, but SIX YEARS? thats SHADY. And about him saying you guys had no future, that is NEVER good sign. I think you pictured him and your relationship as something that was actually NOT, because you really loved him...

 

I understand that you probably want to text him, and ask him a thousand questions and try to calm your pain, but it won't help! If he hasn't shown any interest in a month, he hasn't tried to contact you, is because he is fine like that. If you text him, in the most probable scenario, you guys will talk, and he will apologize for cheating on you but the problem won't be solved... in other scenario, theres the possibility that you will convince him to get back together, BUT not for the right reasons. I read your story and i see it this way: YOU WERE THE GLUE THAT KEPT YOU GUYS TOGETHER ALL THE TIME, HE DID NOTHING FOT HE RELATIONSHIP, YOU WERE THE ONE KEEPING THE PIECES TOGETHER. So yeah, i don't think is healthy for you to get back to a relationship where you guys are on different pages... Like, will you truly be happy next to someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved? If you say yes, you will only be fooling yourself.

 

My advice is to try and keep yourself away from him. You deserve something better, you deserve someone who will introduce you to his parents, someone who actually cares about you and your relationship and that can see himself with you in ten years, not someone who thinks "theres no future"...

 

I know it feels like you're dying, that your pain will consume you and you probably wish you were in coma or something like that, because heartbreaks, specially the ones you get after a long relationship where you loved so much all you wanted was things to work out, are the worst... But believe me... Theres so much more than him out there for you.

 

He was your first everything... And now its time for you to move on, use this as a lesson, im pretty sure you are a wonderful girl... im saying it because when we are on our first relationship, we are all innocent and kind... Im sure you were. But sadly, most of the times, we are not with the right person.

 

All i can say to you, is that life gets better, it will hurt for some time, but then.. It will be alright. Right now, you should go NO CONTACT with him... And try to be okay with yourself.

 

You can do it!

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