Broke up with my bf, need to know i did the right thing

[tsukasa300]

My ex and I had been going out for 7 months. When we first started going out we were both dating multiple people. And we were okay with it. I wasn’t ready to commit and I let him know and he was very patient with me.

 

During the time we were dating he was hooking up/dating one of his coworkers. He had been with her for about a year and a half, but never felt that they were right enough for each other. During the time we were just dating, she became very jealous of me. Because she knew that he really liked me and took me places that he never took any of the other girls he was dating. He pressured him to commit and basically gave him an ultimatum. I didn’t know it at the time but my ex had always used this chick as his safety net. He knows that she would always take him back when he had no one else. The ultimatum scared him. So he gave me a talk asking me if I ever saw this going anywhere. If there was any future potential for us. I found out later if I had said no he was going to cut me off and commit to his coworker. I said I could see this going somewhere, so he told this to the coworker. Shortly after we became exclusive.

 

A few says after we are exclusive his coworker texts him that she missed her period and is having symptoms of pregnancy. However she refuses to take the test. She spends a week badgering my ex to take her back. And trying to convince him that they should be together. My ex tells her that he only wants to be with me. Even if she is pregnant he doesn’t think that they are good together. He only wants to be with me. Eventually she takes the test and its negative. Surprise surprise. I have doubts whether she was faking the whole thing. Even if she wasn’t its really desperate to use a pregnancy to keep someone is really low and desperate. I really don’t trust this chick.

 

My boyfriend continues to be friends with this girl, for reasons I couldn’t understand at the time. The truth is he is insecure and always needs to have a safety net girl that will always take him back no matter what he does to her.

I am uncomfortable with their friendship. I notice that he crops me out of the pictures that he sends her. I didn’t know it at the time but this girl was always involved in our relationship. He was always trying to hide me from her. I later found out that he only brought me to a company party because he thought she wasn’t going. He also didn’t make us fcbk official because of her. Also, she got angry at him for making us official and posting pictures of us together. He caters to her feelings, trying to make her feel better. We began to plan a overseas trip for the summer and she became livid. She said if he went on the trip it was really over for them. She has this delusion that they are going to end up together. I didn’t find any of this out until later.

 

Still I am uncomfortable with her and don’t trust her. My gut feeling. I ask him if he will stop talking to her, except for work. He is angry but agrees. He lets her know and she tries to convince him im manipulating him. Everything seems fine after that. We continue to plan our trip.

 

Later down the road I get another gut feeling that he is doing something behind my back. My gut feelings are usually right. I try to look at the text on his phones. I become desperate because he is not talking. He hides his phone from me. Eventually he comes clean. He has been talking to his coworker for two weeks and lying to me about it. I am very angry and give him an ultimatum. I'm sick of having this person in my life, the coworker.

 

He breaks up with me over text message. He says that he loves me and I mean the world to him but that he cant let go of the coworker. I don’t know at this point that she is his safety net. I want to get closure because I am totally blindsided by this break up. I thought he really loved me. I meet up with him and he says very hurtful things . He says that she is his best friend. That they have a bond that can't be broken. He says that I scared him. Because he was so happy with me and he knew I could break up with him, unlike his coworker. At this time, I realized what this girl means to him. I realize he is a coward and always needs the assurance of a back -up plan. However, I'm not ready to let him go. I tell him what I think and he admits it. He says that he needs to break things off with her and stop being a coward. He says he doesn’t want to be that way anymore. I suggest that we take a break for two weeks so he can make up his mind and clean his mess up.

 

After one week he tells me he has decided. He wants to be with me. He decides that he will leave his job. I didn’t know it at the time but his crazy coworker kept pressuring him at working. She kept trying to convince him that I was manipulating him. That he needed to leave me and be with her. He blocked her on everything and she used work messaging to contact him again. Again this made him have second thoughts about being with me. He kept going back and forth for the next week or so. His coworker is very manipulative and knows how to push his buttons. And he is too cowardly a person to go after what he wants. He's like this with everything. He hates his job but loves the security. Just like with this girl.

 

Finally I had enough and this lit a fire under him. He told me he would finally tell the coworker off and that he would leave his work. He did this and started applying to new jobs. However, he dragged his feet a bit on finding a new job. I had a difficult time getting over all of this drama that had just happened. He was very supportive and understanding of my feelings. However, he was not doing much to get a new job. This would finally help me get over the whole ordeal. We had another talk and he promised that he would do better. Finally he started interviewing.

 

Innocently looking something up on his phone I saw that he had unblocked his coworker. That he had been googling her and looking her up on instagram and facebook. I guess she was dating someone and he was not over losing the comfort of having her there single. In case we didn’t work out. I became very angry and knew that he had not changed a bit. He was still the coward that couldn’t let go of his comfort.

 

We finally go on our trip. This is when I find this out. I break up with him toward the end of the trip. I didn’t mean to. But couldn’t hold it in any longer. As usual he just gave up and agreed. I don’t know what I was expecting. I knew what his reaction would be. He was and will always be a coward. He will never let go of his safety net and I can't live with that. He can't solely commit to me because I scare him. He's scared of how much he loves me and how happy I make his feel. He thinks I will take that away from him one day because I have self worth and dignity unlike his coworker. I was willing to work through issues but I have to have full commitment in a relationship. Which he can't do.

 

We had some communication problems. Problems that most couples have. I feel that we could have worked through these and grown together. Unfortunately, there was always a third party involved so we could never get to that point.

 

I really love this guy and he says he still loves me. I asked for no contact because its too painful for me right now and I need to get over him first. I had hoped that maybe some day in the future we could try again when we had both grown a bit. Because I felt there was something really there. What we had was truly a rarity. If he could just become a stronger person. Even though we parted on good terms, the day after I broke up with him he began to contact his coworker again. This killed all hope that I had that we could ever be together again. It really hurts that he could not even wait for me to leave to start talking to her again.

 

When i last said goodbye he said that he would find me one day. That its not over till its over. I wanted to believe but i find it hard to believe after everything that happened.

 

I'm sure this is all for the best. But naturally I am very hurt and need some supportive words.

Edited June 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mystikmind2005]

Some story, wow, could make a movie on it! But seriously, I'm truly sorry for you *hugs.

 

Let me guess that this guy is good natured, easy going and carefree?

 

Being a contented kind of person is good, but it means you can lack decisiveness and drive and you will be happy to settle for less and know how to appreciate less.

 

I know these things because this is my personality type as well. Overall there is allot more good than bad, but i have to fight all the time to be more driven, confident and ambitious. But i do that because i choose too, someone else cannot push me to do it, that just doesn't work.

[tsukasa300]

 

Let me guess that this guy is good natured, easy going and carefree?

 

Yes he is exactly this kind of person. There were a lot of good things about him and our relationship. That's why i have doubts about the break up.

But i am not that kind of person at all. And cannot understand settling for anything less. But you're right. If someone wants to change, they can only do it on their own. I cant be there pushing him because it will all fall apart. So i know i made he right decision.

 

Thanks for the reply

[mystikmind2005]

 

Let me guess that this guy is good natured, easy going and carefree?

 

Yes he is exactly this kind of person. There were a lot of good things about him and our relationship. That's why i have doubts about the break up.

But i am not that kind of person at all. And cannot understand settling for anything less. But you're right. If someone wants to change, they can only do it on their own. I cant be there pushing him because it will all fall apart. So i know i made he right decision.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

Glad i could help

 

But you know what else, that other woman is not doing herself any favors,,,, it is such a toxic kind of relationship where you have to try to convince the other person to stay with you - they should WANT to be with you. It is not a good foundation to build a happy relationship upon.... i would bet that in a few months he will be calling after you again, too bad for him!

 

Fool dousn't realize that 1+1 = Zero in love (loving two women most often means you end up with no woman).

[54JA]

I do think you did the right thing. Good for you. It's good that you trusted your gut feeling rather than being in denial and seeing only what you want to see. It takes guts.

[tsukasa300]

Yeah while I'm sure he's going to go sleep with her again. I know that he will always go back to looking for someone better. Because hes never been happy with her. Even he has said himself that he never even considered them to be dating. Just friends with benefits.

I'm just glad that I got out of their sticky mess. Thanks for the support.

[Acacia98]

@tsukasa, you did the right thing by breaking up with this guy. Gotta tell you, though, it sounds like you have a bit of a romanticized picture of him.

 

I notice you call the other woman he was dating manipulative, etc. But, interestingly, you do not call the guy manipulative. You seem to be invested in understanding him and his choices, but you don't extend a similar courtesy to the woman. Has it occurred to you that he may have been lying to you about the other woman's part in things? Maybe he was feeding her a different story from the one he was feeding you. Ultimately, you may never know. But the one thing that is obvious is this: They're cut of the same cloth. They both sound manipulative, they both sound like they have no qualms about hurting themselves and other people. They both sound like people with a lot of emotional baggage who really shouldn't be dating anyone until they've addressed their issues.

 

So you did the right thing by breaking up. Don't try too hard to "understand" the dude because you may end up "understanding" your way back into a toxic non-relationship with him. And if that happens, you could end up playing a very similar role to the other woman.

[tsukasa300]

@tsukasa, you did the right thing by breaking up with this guy. Gotta tell you, though, it sounds like you have a bit of a romanticized picture of him.

 

I notice you call the other woman he was dating manipulative, etc. But, interestingly, you do not call the guy manipulative. You seem to be invested in understanding him and his choices, but you don't extend a similar courtesy to the woman. Has it occurred to you that he may have been lying to you about the other woman's part in things? Maybe he was feeding her a different story from the one he was feeding you. Ultimately, you may never know. But the one thing that is obvious is this: They're cut of the same cloth. They both sound manipulative, they both sound like they have no qualms about hurting themselves and other people. They both sound like people with a lot of emotional baggage who really shouldn't be dating anyone until they've addressed their issues.

 

So you did the right thing by breaking up. Don't try too hard to "understand" the dude because you may end up "understanding" your way back into a toxic non-relationship with him. And if that happens, you could end up playing a very similar role to the other woman.

 

Thats an interesting thought. I think I have a pretty good idea of who he is and who she is. I've seen many of the text conversations between them. He admitted that he led her on when they were friends with benefits. But she kept harassing him after he clearly broke it off. The only thing I could imagine is that he's too much of a coward to clearly let her know he had no feelings for her. Hes not the type of person to be harsh and doesn't want to hurt peoples feelings.

He probably said stuff. Like I really care for you but as a friend. Which probably gave her hope. I mean this girl faked a pregnancy and tried to use it to get him back. That just shows the kind of person she's is. Desperate and with no pride

 

With that being said I know I'm in a vulnerable state. And I hope he honors the no contact rule that I imposed on our break up

And all of your support really helps too