First love breakup before college

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

I'm an 18 year old boy who just graduated high school. Last year I met this girl, and immediately we had chemistry. I had never had a girlfriend before, and she was somewhat shy, so it took around 6 months of flirting before I asked her out in April. For the first 10 months of our relationship, we were inseparable. I told her I loved her on the train only 3 weeks into our relationship, and she said it back. We would text every minute. We would hang out nearly every day, and almost always on both weekend days. In January, she even said to me that she could imagine us spending our lives together. It was absolutely the happiest time of my entire life. For our 6 month anniversary, I bought her a Tiffany's necklace, and she absolutely loved it. Everything was perfect. Admittedly, we did start neglecting our friends a little bit. Around 10 months into the relationship, she told me she thought we should start to see each other less because she wanted to spend more time with friends. When she said this, I freaked out slightly, as I thought it was the beginning of the end of her feelings of love for me. However, things were still going well until early May of this year, so while I was insecure and she knew it, our relationship did not seem threatened by it.

 

While we were hanging out one day in early May, she was being slightly cold and distant and told me that for around a week she hadn't loved me as much as she did before. Still, she wanted to stay together as she just thought it was a phase. The next month was emotional hell for me. She started saying things that were progressively more and more hurtful, like "everything you say annoys me" and "I would rather hang out with friends than you every single time." Once, in the car, she even said "I had fun with you this morning, but I would have had more fun with my friends." Over the course of the month, she broke up with me and then called me a few hours later crying and begging me to come back. We had two or three arguments a week that always ended in tears and promises to make it work. Finally, after graduation, around three weeks ago, she said she was almost certain she didn't want a boyfriend and asked to take a break to think it out. However, just two days into the break, she texted me and told me that she was certain she wanted me in her life and certain that she loved me. Four days after we got back together, she broke up with me saying she was already reverting back to her feelings from before the break, where she wanted to spend more time with friends than me. Four days after this breakup, however, she got back together with me saying she was being stupid as she can't decide what she wants and knows its hurting me, but she's decided that she wants to be with me and loves me more than anything

 

Now, as a couple, we had decided last october that we both wanted to continue the relationship in college despite the overwhelming odds against us as both of us were confident in our love for each other. It ended up that our colleges are just 15 miles away from each other, so it would not be terribly difficult to make it work while also pursuing personal growth.

 

A few days after she got back together with me, she told me that she no longer wanted to be a couple in college and instead just wanted to be together this summer and stay in contact during college, but not as a couple. This was crushing to me. Throughout the entire month of fighting and turmoil, I loved her as much as I always have, and I did everything I could to make it work. I told her that I didn't know if I could be in a relationship that has an expiration date, and that I would think it over and tell her my decision. A few days later, I decided that I could be in a relationship this summer, however I would need her to be open to possibly rekindling the relationship in college if we both want to, because we will be so close. She disagreed, saying she would never want to be in a romantic relationship with me again after we break up for college. Then, she broke up with me, saying "this will not work" and things like that. That was last Thursday. It is now Monday of the next week. Over the past few days, especially right after the breakup, I texted her incessantly telling her I love her and want to make it work, and that if she were to want to come back, I would be there for her. I texted her friends, asking them how she was feeling, as i had done that the previous break up to learn she was devastated. This time, her friends told me she was not sad, and in fact was even relieved that the relationship was over. Around 2 days ago she had one of her friends tell me to stop contacting her and her friends, and that there was no hope for our relationship and that it was definitely over. In response, I said I understood and would try to move on. The next day, I went to her house to pick up things that I had left there. She left them on the porch, and I left her a loving, apologetic and thankful letter. This morning, I texted her one final time asking if she had read the letter, and she said that she had, but it had not changed her attitude and that I should stop contacting her because she is "more content than sad about our breakup because she put herself in that mindset." The previous times she broke up with me, she had said we have no chance of reconciling, but she too had been as devastated as me.

 

I am absolutely shattered. The girl that I love more than anything, and who I shared so many special moments with, and who told me she loved me just as much back no longer wants to be with me. She is my first love, my everything, my all. It is extremely difficult for me to refrain from texting her, as for some reason I will not let go of a tiny sliver of hope that she will come back to me, despite everything she has said. My question to you guys is, how do I move on? I truly do not think I will feel like this about anyone else again. Should I keep hope for reconciliation? Should I contact her again? What should I do? I am broken. And to make matters worse, I fear that she may already be moving towards being able to get with other guys, even though she has said that she will not be able to for a long time. We ended on me telling her I loved her and would be there for her if she needs me. She did not respond. What do I do?

[mightycpa]

You text her right away and say something like

 

You know what? I don't understand what you're doing or why, but I understand that one day I will, and I will thank you for the opportunity you've given me. I trust this is true, because so many people have told me the same thing.

 

In the meantime, I don't want to know about you, or your life, or anything about you. I don't want to see you and I don't want to know.

 

Keep this text just in case. One day, you might feel like contacting me. Read this text on that day. Don't do it.

 

When I'm ready, I'll contact you. Until then,

 

Goodbye Matilda.

 

NHSM

Then cut off all avenues of electronic communications (FB, Instagram, Twitter, Whatever) and go cry in your milk, or your beer, or whatever it is you have on hand to cry in. Express your grief, in writing, either privately or here, but don't send it to her. Be a ghost. Don't go out with other girls for a little while, and when you do, go out with more than one. Keep it light for a while. Find good college girls who will give you sex without commitment. They'll be your new best friends, so treat them nicely. Don't worry about finding love. You're young. Love will find you again.

 

That's all you can do when a girl has made up her mind. All paths lead to failure, so you might as well take the path that helps you the most, and you just might stumble into success.

 

You're going to have to grow a pretty big and hairy set of balls to do all this, but that's what you should do. There's not a word that isn't true up there.

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

I'm finding it extremely difficult not to have any hope that she will come back to me... up until the last time we broke up, she was extremely sad and missed me a lot after the break up, and ended up coming back to me.

[Seeker12]

You text her right away and say something like

 

Then cut off all avenues of electronic communications (FB, Instagram, Twitter, Whatever) and go cry in your milk, or your beer, or whatever it is you have on hand to cry in. Express your grief, in writing, either privately or here, but don't send it to her. Be a ghost. Don't go out with other girls for a little while, and when you do, go out with more than one. Keep it light for a while. Find good college girls who will give you sex without commitment. They'll be your new best friends, so treat them nicely. Don't worry about finding love. You're young. Love will find you again.

 

That's all you can do when a girl has made up her mind. All paths lead to failure, so you might as well take the path that helps you the most, and you just might stumble into success.

 

You're going to have to grow a pretty big and hairy set of balls to do all this, but that's what you should do. There's not a word that isn't true up there.

 

Probably the best response and advice you will ever get. Yes, when a girls made her mind up, doesnt matter if youre the most gorgeous guy in the world, shes gone, dead and buried. NHSM, trust me, as someone out of a 6/7year RS and still feeling the pangs every now and then, cut off ALL communications, you do not want to know what your ex is up to, where she is, what she is doing and who she is with, and do NOT ever express your grief to your ex, for all she knows you took it as a man and you chose to leave honourably.

[Cra]

I'm going through the exact same thing man. Except I spent a year of long distance before she dumped me for another guy that goes to her school. And our universities were 3 hours away from each other, we would see each other every 3 weeks and talk every single day. Our families were even close with each other.

 

We were together since junior year of high school. She was my first love and first girlfriend. We also talked about marriage, living arrangements after college, the works. So I know exactly what you're dealing with.

 

First off, be grateful. Be grateful she ended it now, before you invested all of your time and money making a long distance relationship work. Be grateful that you're young. You're only 18, you have so much ahead of you.. So many oppurtunities, future relationships, and a lot of fun.

 

Second, do no contact. I can't stress this enough. Do not talk to her, do not look at her social media, do not ask your or her friends about her. If you end up finding out she has a new boyfriend, it will literally put you through the worst emotional pain. Trust me, I learned the hard way. It helps you get over her and it might even make her miss you, but this shouldn't be the main reason to do it. And do not respond to breadcrumbs, aka random text messages asking how you're doing, how's life, what are your plans in school, etc. Do this for at least 2 months.

 

Third, throw out the idea of having a future together. This will help you actually get over her. Tell yourself that she's not the one. You have so many years ahead of you and so many chances of being in another relationship. In fact, the thought of marriage should terrify you! After my gf dumped me, I realized that it was a good thing. It lets me do what I want to do. Marriage should only be on your mind until your late 20s imo. And besides, you sound like a great guy and so many girls would be willing to be your girlfriend. Yes I know that you miss her, that she told you about marriage, and that you think you'll never find some one so perfect. Just let her go, do what YOU want to do, focus on yourself, and better yourself. Everything will fall into place!

 

My girlfriend dumped me 2 months ago and I still constantly think about her. Give it time and you'll get over her. You're in college dude, live it up before you get serious again. Keep everything in perspective as well. At least she didn't dump you and immediately jump into another serious relationship, especially when you thought she'd never do such a thing. Also, long distance sucks, especially during college. Both people have to put in 100%, workout all of their problems efficiently, and both need to shoot down any crushes being formed on other people.

 

Stay strong. If anything, she's doing you a favor. Because, for me, I kinda wish I got out of my relarionship before going to separate universities. I wasted a whole school year on a girl that eventually left me for some one else.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Cra

[d0nnivain]

Congratulations on graduating & best of luck in your college career.

 

You can't see it yet, but she did you a favor. Enjoy the summer. Make some memories then leave childhood behind with a clear conscious. Stay in touch if you like & it doesn't hurt too much but be ready for your whole world to open up once you hit campus in the fall. You will see her again on breaks but one at school you will be free to make all sorts of new friends, possibly date lots of girls & experience all new things. It is going to be grand!

[NeverHurtSoMuch]

I desperately feel the need to go and see her in person... I just feel like if I can see her, she might change her mind and want to be with me again. Should I go over to her house even though she's been nothing but cold to me since the breakup?

[d0nnivain]

I desperately feel the need to go and see her in person... I just feel like if I can see her, she might change her mind and want to be with me again. Should I go over to her house even though she's been nothing but cold to me since the breakup?

 

Absolutely not.

 

She won't want to be with you again after you do the opposite of what you asked, stay away. In fact she will be more aggravated with you, will probably say something that hurts your feelings even more and you will forever ruin any change you may have of genuinely enjoying her company in the future.