Learning not to hate myself

[RileyPayne]

I was 15, my girlfriend was 14 when we met in 2012. It was your typical first relationship in a way, we both fell madly in love with each other and while we had our ups and downs, we managed to get through them and more often than not come out smiling. We started our relationship on November 19th 2012, I ended it on March 17th 2015.

 

The reason I ended it was because I thought we had drifted apart. In the months leading up to the break-up we were seeing less of each other and the elephant in the room, her parents + family still had not met me. As you can guess, the majority of our arguments consisted around the fact that her parents had never met me despite our 2 and 1/2 year relationship. This was due to a variety of reasons, none my fault. They're strict, they're Italian (sorry for generalising) and her older brother had some relationship problems that meant they were sceptical of every relationship. My ex was scared what they'd said if she told them and we left it at that. But ultimately, in the end, with me going off to University in September, I decided that I couldn't continue in a relationship that wasn't developing and was at a crossroads.

 

We broke up, she pleaded and begged. I said no and rejected her pleas. At the time, I was also clouded by some other girl who would become my rebound. Please don't judge me, I'm 18 and what I'm saying here ranks as my 2 worst mistakes in my life thus far. But yeah, I went directly into a "friends with benefits" relationship with this other girl, all the while my ex tried to get me back and talk to me. I still said no and basically strung her along. 2 1/2-3 months down the line I come to a realisation that this isn't what I want, the girl I rebounded with was not somebody I particularly liked and opened my eyes to just have perfect my ex girlfriend was as a person in my eyes. So I broke things off with rebound girl and tried to speak to my ex-girlfriend.

 

However... I was too late. By June 6th when I began speaking to her properly again, I thought she would come back to me and I was naive. She rejected me and everything she felt after I broke up with her, I'm feeling now and have been feeling this entire month. We spoke at length about how things were and how I wanted to be in a relationship. She told me she didn't want to go back to how things were (in my own opinion, I was the best boyfriend I could have been, I never once cheated on her, I always looked after her when she needed me, I saw her whenever I could, I took a gap year for her, changed working hours to make it easier for me to see her and was just caring 99% of the time.), however, she didn't want the stress of the relationship and having to sneak and hide behind her parents. She said she'd begun to move on and had learnt to live her life without me. Her best friend told me had I come back a month earlier, she would have got back with me but I was "ngl, it's too late".

 

It broke me, physically and mentally. Woke up feeling **** (still do), spent most days crying, go to bed feeling generally okay, but then wake up feeling **** again. I met up with her in person after our chat on the phone, I went to a florist and hand-picked a bouquet of roses, even putting her favourite chocolate amongst the roses in the batch. I gave them to her and she cried, but said she couldn't take them with her because she had no where to put them. I couldn't stand the sight of them, so I drove to her house and left them outside her door. Yet, after that, she was still adamant. So I fell further into the depressive state I was in. I can't quite remember week 2 of feeling like ****, but it was the worst week by far, I did feel suicidal at some points but I spoke to a counsellor at work who helped me out. I think it was that bad that my mind doesn't want me to remember it.

 

Though, after that, I managed to go 5/6 days without directly contacting her. However, I was checking up on her profiles daily to see if there was any glimpse of care about me. But I found out she was instead talking to someone else, it hurts me so much knowing that. So when I went out on that Sunday, I got drunk with my friends and I unfortunately drunk text her telling her how much I loved her and how nothing compares to her looks and personality. She ignored it, I apologised, she called me a "drunk mess" with loads of the cute little monkey faces. We talked, then we spoke on the phone and on FT. She was happy, it hurt me to see her happy, but she was happy without me. I asked her if she speaking to any other boys and she told me she wasn't speaking to any other boys in a serious relationship manner. All in all, the talk ended with her hanging up on me after I asked her if she still loved me about 4 times.

 

 

1 week on, I've gone 7 days without checking up on her profiles or contacting her. It's been incredibly tough. I occasionally check my FB and on Thursday and Sunday, her family members posted pictures and she was in them happy and out partying. It sunk my heart.

 

In conclusion, I feel utterly worthless. It feels like I threw away 2 1/2 years of being with a girl I love/loved and cared for immensely and that affection worked both ways. I feel worthless now that she is happy without me and has learnt to live without me. The silly thing is I'd turn around and say yes if she came back to me now, simply because she was always mine and I always made time for her. She's also so pretty with a great personality. It took me being away from her to understand how much I loved her and unfortunately, by that time, I was too late. I'm angry because I know she has moved on and will speak to other boys, but I can't make her happy again. I'm angry and sad because I regret everything. I've tortured myself over the fact that I never turned around to her in the month after our break-up, hugged her, kissed her and said it's alright we'll get back together.

 

I've lost my best friend, my companion and my lover. I don't know what it's like not to have that person there to wake up to, sleep beside and speak to all the time.

 

I just need some help and somewhere to vent my feelings, so feel free to say as you please.

Edited June 29, 2015 by RileyPayne

[Grumpybutfun]

Dating is a dance and while dancing you are figuring out rhythms and skills and trying to find the perfect partner for life. You dating and having relationships is preparing you for a life decision of finding the right partner for the rest of your life if you are looking for a traditional marriage or long term partner lifetime commitment.

 

What you are doing is exactly what you need to and should be doing which is trying to figure out who you are and what you want for your life and the kind of healthy, positive, dynamic person who wants to share it with you. You aren't going to marry the first girl you kiss or date or make love with. You are going to treat these girls with kindness and figure out together if you are right for one another and when you find you aren't happy or you feel incomplete, you move on to the next relationship until you find someone who dances like she is on air because she is so perfect in your arms. With this girl, there will be no doubts or breakups or second guesses. I have had a good life adhering to this philosophy and hope it helps put your mind at ease that you are ok and all relationships aren't meant to last or to make us feel whole. They are recitals....

Best,

Grumps

Edited June 30, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[RileyPayne]

Dating is a dance and while dancing you are figuring out rhythms and skills and trying to find the perfect partner for life. You dating and having relationships is preparing you for a life decision of finding the right partner for the rest of your life if you are looking for a traditional marriage or long term partner lifetime commitment.

 

What you are doing is exactly what you need to and should be doing which is trying to figure out who you are and what you want for your life and the kind of healthy, positive, dynamic person who wants to share it with you. You aren't going to marry the first girl you kiss or date or make love with. You are going to treat these girls with kindness and figure out together if you are right for one another and when you find you aren't happy or you feel incomplete, you move on to the next relationship until you find someone who dances like she is on air because she is so perfect in your arms. With this girl, there will be no doubts or breakups or second guesses. I have had a good life adhering to this philosophy and hope it helps put your mind at ease that you are ok and all relationships aren't meant to last or to make us feel whole. They are recitals....

Best,

Grumps

 

 

Thanks Grumps, your words did make me feel better. Although I won't say I'm not struggling, she told me she has moved on and I do think she is speaking to a new boy. How do I deal with this? I still want her back in my life but it is clear that she doesn't want me, it hurts me knowing she is speaking to this guy and kills me to think they're doing everything we used to do together.

[RileyPayne]

can someone please help me.

 

i broke NC today, found out that she is sleeping with a new boy, that she was sending him nude pictures while I was pouring my heart out to her and was talking about doing stuff with him all while I was crying down the phone to her

 

i feel worthless and so hurt, i can't describe it, i feel sick, i feel like i just want to run away

[Satu]

Don't cry down the phone.

 

Don't beg.

 

Don't plead.

 

Don't send her lots of texts.

 

Go No Contact and begin your healing.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

You'll feel really upset about this for a while, but if you go no contact you'll slowly start to feel better.

 

Take care.

[RileyPayne]

Unfortunately, I did all of this last month

 

Don't cry down the phone.

 

Don't beg.

 

Don't plead.

 

Don't send her lots of texts.

 

 

Which was occurring while she was speaking to her new f-buddy

[soulseek]

This is very similar to my situation. I broke up with my BF, went and did the single thing. Came back to him after realizing that I truly wanted to be with him -- was honest about what went on during my single time and lost him. Now the tables have turned and he is enjoying his single life. Its been a week now of NC, and although I love him to pieces.. Each day gets a bit easier.

[Emily Broke Up]

It is true that the less you contact your ex, the easier it gets. You just have to break the habit. And to feel better, I suggest you accept that it's over. Just accept it, find a way to let her go, even if it hurts it's the best thing to do... I hope you feel better soon.

[RileyPayne]

It hurts the most because she said to me on the 21st June

 

"[my name], I'm not saying this just because it's what you want to hear. I'm saying this because it's the truth, I don't want a relationship with anyone right now and I'm not speaking to any boys like that"

 

She lied to my face while I had tears down my cheek

[RileyPayne]

I'm not quite sure where I'm at right now. I still feel very angry and hurt by her lying to me throughout June, but I'm also becoming more accepting to the fact that she has every right to move on. Although, I'm not sure whether her new guy is a rebound or not.

 

He's the total opposite to me, he's a ladies man, speaks to more than 1 girl all the time, he's quite big as opposed to I, who is a bit more on the skinnier side. He's a good-looking guy who attracts a lot of female attention whereas I was always just focused on one-girl, my ex.

 

Is this her rebound?

[RileyPayne]

Whatever he may be to her, or her to him. I need to find it in my heart to let her go and if she comes back to me, then so be it. I like to think I'm a catering, caring and nice person. The majority of the people I speak to say she doesn't deserve to have someone as nice as me around her in life and I truly do try to make every person happier than when they first met me through laughter, personal support and general friendship.

 

It's why I'm so hurt. I don't know what I could do to better this new guy in her life, but then again, why should I look to better him? I need to start looking at bettering myself, for myself, not for anyone else and certainly not for her. I've not spoke to her since the 21/22nd June now, and I've gone 2 days without checking in on her, which I intend on sticking to now. She always knows that I'm here if she needs someone but she is very stubborn and I doubt that text will come, plus, it will do me better not to hear about her woes and sorrows or happiness and lust of her new relationship.

 

I spoke yesterday to many of my friends who informed me about this person she's seeing, I truly hope he is a rebound because I wouldn't want her to be with someone like that in the long-term because he would only cheat on her. However, today I'm off to the city center with one of my work friends that I've grown closer to since this fiasco began. Much needed retail therapy as I try to update my wardrobe.

 

You see, I found that I became very lazy in a relationship. I stopped speaking to many of my friends, stopped going out with them and just kept to myself and my girlfriend. She was my life. I didn't work out, exercise or buy new clothes. I just kept content with life and only when I was sprung from my comfort zone I realised how little a life I was living. The good things now are the fact I'm closer with my friends again and have made plenty of new friends. I've found out who my true best friends were, and one, I was surprised at how caring he was when I told him about everything. I go to the gym now and I'm growing into the best shape I've been in my life. I've started cricket again and I've got myself another job. I've planned out all the things I'm looking forward to, festivals, BBQs, start of university, my birthday!

 

Although my eating habits have deteriorated, this is something I hope comes back to me very quickly because I'm still not eating enough.

 

Though despite all of the good things, this morning I woke up feeling dreadful. I dreamt about me and my friends went to her family's restaurant, she walked out with her friends and went straight past me without acknowledging me. I turned around and beckoned her over, to which she obliged. Then I told her about what I heard, and she told me it was true and she was seeing this other person. I woke up feeling anxious, horrible and sad. Though another good friend said to me that I should stick to the facts.

 

The facts being: I know she likes him, I know she is meeting him, I know their relationship is intimate. I don't know how well it is going, I don't know whether they see each other every day, I don't know whether she drives to see him, makes time to see him or vice-versa. For all I know they could be in turmoil and be done already, but they could also be loving every second of it...

 

Well, G, I still love you, but I hate you so much for lying to me. I can't comprehend the ability to love and hate someone so much at the same time. I just feel betrayed, hurt and left behind.

[RileyPayne]

Monday was a good day for me. Although it started off horrible because I had the dream about my ex informing me she was seeing this new guy. I eventually worked up the courage to find myself lumbering out of bed at around 11:30 and driving my way down to pick up my work friend, before some much needed retail therapy. We spent around 3-4 hours down there, buying clothes, talking about random things and at one point, an in depth discussion about my relationship. She agreed with me that the relationship wasn't great, but I loved the person, so I tried to make it work. We also met up with another of her friends, who is such a lovely girl, I'm going to try and speak to her at the BBQ we planned for next week.

 

Anywho, I dropped my friend off and then suddenly, I just felt lonely again. Driving back home I felt as if I was on my own once more, it hurt, but I got home, saw my mum and dad and felt better. I then went to the gym, came home, dinner, sat with my mum, watched some TV and eventually lumbered myself off to bed.

 

This was the hardest part, trying to sleep. My mind goes into overdrive when I 1. go to sleep 2. are sleeping 3. waking up in the morning. I think the most catastrophic thoughts, feel lonely, depressed and damn right sad about life. It's because I still love her and the hurt of knowing she's with another boy is utterly painful.

 

One thing I'm not enjoying right now is my dreams. For the past 3 days, I've woken up feeling terrible following dreams about my ex-girlfriend telling me she's seeing someone else. It is destroying my sleep and my mornings. I need to find out how to deal with this because it is killing me.

 

Not sure what I'm going to do today, going to go the gym at some point, possibly walk the dog. I'll see if any of my friends want to meet up to chill but then I have to work at 6;30 in the morning on Wednesday which is no fun.

 

Miss you still, G. Hope you're spending your nights thinking about me, as I do you, but if not, I'm glad you're happier without me in your life, than with me. My main aim was to make you happy and see your smile. But you hurt me so much and I don't think we can ever recover our trust...

Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RileyPayne]

Tuesday was okay for me. I've found that mornings are gradually becoming better, although, I still find that they're the loneliest part of the day for me and it is a time where I miss G the most, despite how the last month went. All in all, I managed to speak to finally get myself out of the depressive state I was in and make my way to the gym around mid-day, that helped me out, came home and had an appetite. My appetite comes and goes these days, I wish it was consistent but I think my body is still going through the adaptive stage, it is improving though and I like to congratulate myself for the improvements I'm making to my own well-being. Later that day I went to see The Terminator: Genesis with a friend and that was good, we had a chat about things and a few words about my ex-girlfriend and how I was feeling. It helps to know there's always someone there to chat to and I do wish that friend specifically was around a lot more because he's my closest friend, but he works a lot and has a long-term girlfriend.

 

I still miss her a great deal, but as the days wain on I find myself putting the relationship and her as a person into perspective ever more. I know she's moved on and I'm just representing what was in her life now, which hurts me, but I need to find that stage as well. The point that annoys me is she is very attractive and factually, I know she has more than 3-4 guys after her which combined with me last month begging was probably expanding her ego to unforeseen sizes. People will say I shouldn't care, it's her life, not mine. I'd say you're right, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting that the girl I was in love with for so many years hardly acknowledges my existence anymore, or at least I think so.

 

Maybe I should just stick to the facts in life.

 

1. I'm improving and growing as a person.

2. I'm in the best shape I've been in, in my entire life.

3. I'm the fittest I've been in my life.

4. I've never been more sociable and outgoing with my friends.

5. I have a lot of caring people around me in my life.

 

But still part of me can't shrug off the weight of my ex-girlfriend, there, lingering like an elephant in the room. I no longer wait for that text from her anymore, well, who am I kidding? I do, I still do. I hope and prayer that it comes through despite me knowing she's probably texting others and playing other boys hearts and minds. But stick to the facts, I don't know she is doing any of that, for all I know she could be a state and missing me if her rebound has gone wrong. It could be going great and she could have forgot about me even more. All in all, I know factually that she is stubborn and factually, that her ego is huge right now so the likelihood of her returning to my clutches is nominal.

 

I wouldn't know what to say to her if she did come back. I'd ask to sit down with her so that we could clean the slate, I'd like to think by now we both have things we regret about what we did post-BU but who knows if she'll ever bring them to the foray? She was a very recluse person on details and I still believe she doesn't want me in her life so she can pursue others.

 

Whatever the matter, I need to try and improve, smile and get through the days as they come. I've not spoke to her since the 21st, marking 2 1/2 weeks without direct contact. I've not been on her social media since July 2nd, making it nearly a week with strict NC.

 

I will improve, I will eventually come out of this a happier, stronger person with an independent-crafted mind.

Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RileyPayne]

Wednesday was difficult for me. I went to work in a foul mood, cried while alone and generally felt quite awful about life and everything. I recovered throughout the day and I like to think I finished on a higher note, although, I still miss her, I'm becoming more indifferent by the day.

 

The one thing I do miss is having that person there to say I love you, speak in the morning/see you in the morning - before bed. I really miss that, it put me to bed feeling happy, warm and fuzzy and woke me up knowing I was cared for. Now I feel a void every time I go to bed and each time I wake up, subsequently, these are the most difficult times for me as a person.

 

I've also allowed my sister to change my Twitter password to something I don't know, I've had urges to check my ex-girlfriend's twitter and did so today, breaking strict NC. Through this, I won't be able to cater to any urges.

 

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me.

Edited August 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RileyPayne]

Terrible morning. I woke up, and weighed myself expecting to see myself make some good increases and I lost weight. I looked skinnier and this really set the tone for my morning.

 

I feel bereft of confidence. My self-esteem is at rock bottom. I can't handle knowing my ex-girlfriend is with someone who is bigger than me and in most eyes, better looking than I. I tried so hard to make her happy, every day I set out to make her happy and now I'm left in limbo.

 

I'm going to set myself a goal of putting on 7 pounds by the end of this month. It's attainable, I lost a bit of weight due to the BU/anxiety. I'm going to really try and drive this goal.

 

Just hope this day will be better than the morning I've spent crying, again. While she is happy, smiling and laughing. Oh the contrast.

[RileyPayne]

Yesterday is likely to have been my worst day since last Thursday. After waking up and going through all those mentions previously explained, I didn't go into work because of my state and instead, sat and talked with my twin sister. The boss of my second job is my brother-in-law, he wasn't happy, spoke to my older sister, who in turn wasn't happy and then spoke to my mum, who stressed out at work had to deal with it. All the while I was crying away, shouting out all of my regrets, all of my worries and all of my concerns. Why did I break up with her? Why didn't I come back sooner? Why am I so skinny? Why am I so ugly? How will she come back to me if she has a more attractive guy in her life now? How didn't I notice earlier how stupid I was being?

 

After all of this, my mum called me and, her being stressed and angry at the side-taking, told me I'd ruined a good opportunity and I need to get over her. This for me, was the first time in a while I'd felt truly alone. I threw my phone at the wall, punched my door twice and my wall once. Stormed out of the house, drove off and sat by the lake for an hour. Once the adrenaline had gone, I noticed I'd busted my right hand quite badly which means no gym going for now.

 

The rest of the day from then onwards went alright, and I found myself falling asleep not thinking about her, not dreaming about her and waking up only once in the night, thinking about her. Little victories.

 

I still think about her a lot, just less. The pain feels less volatile, but sometimes, it can hit me hard and hit me well. I want to move on, I've accepted she won't come back to me. I've not accepted yet, how she has moved on after 3/4 months, and how she has basically forgot I existed.

Edited July 10, 2015 by RileyPayne

[cipd11]

Yesterday is likely to have been my worst day since last Thursday. After waking up and going through all those mentions previously explained, I didn't go into work because of my state and instead, sat and talked with my twin sister. The boss of my second job is my brother-in-law, he wasn't happy, spoke to my older sister, who in turn wasn't happy and then spoke to my mum, who stressed out at work had to deal with it. All the while I was crying away, shouting out all of my regrets, all of my worries and all of my concerns. Why did I break up with her? Why didn't I come back sooner? Why am I so skinny? Why am I so ugly? How will she come back to me if she has a more attractive guy in her life now? How didn't I notice earlier how stupid I was being?

 

After all of this, my mum called me and, her being stressed and angry at the side-taking, told me I'd ruined a good opportunity and I need to get over her. This for me, was the first time in a while I'd felt truly alone. I threw my phone at the wall, punched my door twice and my wall once. Stormed out of the house, drove off and sat by the lake for an hour. Once the adrenaline had gone, I noticed I'd busted my right hand quite badly which means no gym going for now.

 

The rest of the day from then onwards went alright, and I found myself falling asleep not thinking about her, not dreaming about her and waking up only once in the night, thinking about her. Little victories.

 

I still think about her a lot, just less. The pain feels less volatile, but sometimes, it can hit me hard and hit me well. I want to move on, I've accepted she won't come back to me. I've not accepted yet, how she has moved on after 3/4 months, and how she has basically forgot I existed.

 

You are not alone and you are doing so well. Your family only want the best for you and often times tough love is the best kind.

 

You need to realise that you cannot change anything now. Its happened and there is no point torturing yourself over this. I have spent the last few days blaming myself for my breakup - thinking of everything I could have done differently. But what's the point? I can't change the past. The only thing I can do is learn from the experience..... The world is full of amazing people and I promise in a few months you will look back on this and laugh.

 

In the mean time focus on yourself, not for her but for you. Keep yourself busy and make yourself the best possible YOU that you can be. You'll feel great and it'll help you to feel more confident and realise your worth.

 

You have no idea what your ex is thinking/feeling. What has helped me is deciding what my ex thinks.....I keep telling myself he's not over it and that he is also struggling to get through. I will never know what he's thinking again but it helps me to pretend I know.

 

I hope you feel better soon, take care.

[RileyPayne]

Thank you for the comment, it helps when others notice the victories and how well you're doing. I like to think I'm in a much better place, just, while walking with my sister she told me how my ex-girlfriend had tweeted:

 

"Late nights always get me thinking about the little things I miss ?"

 

I don't know whether it is what I wanted to hear, or whether I wanted to hear it or not. But it made me break strict NC, I checked her twitter to see for myself and it was there. I'm reading too much into it, but I don't get why people tweet about things like other than to try and get attention from the one individual who provided those little things. I think a sign of how I've began to move on is that it didn't effect me too much, I didn't feel a great quantity of emotions. I just thought "Well, you had your chance to come back to me. You know where I am if you want to text me, tweeting won't do anything."

 

Though, who knows? Possibly means that her rebound hasn't gone to plan, who knows ey? Just needed somewhere to vent my feelings again.

[mightycpa]

It hurts the most because she said to me on the 21st June

 

"[my name], I'm not saying this just because it's what you want to hear. I'm saying this because it's the truth, I don't want a relationship with anyone right now and I'm not speaking to any boys like that"

 

She lied to my face while I had tears down my cheek

Well, of course she did. What did you expect her to say?

 

Hold that thought Riley, I'm texting my new guy about how I want him to slam me with his sopressata and fill my cannoli with cream tonight.

She looked upon you with pity, having recently felt the same way as you. If you were acting like that when she told you she wasn't seeing other guys, imagine what you might have been like if she had told you the truth. Of course she lied to you. Who wouldn't?

 

You're going to school now, there's lots of nice girls there, I'm sure of it. It's not going to be easy, but don't spend what could be some of the best years of your life pining over a girl that doesn't want you.

 

A good move would be to collect yourself before you go back to school, and calmly and collectedly tell her goodbye and good luck. Who knows, maybe by the time you graduate, and you're older and wiser, she'll be available, and her parents will see that you're a catch. Until then, stay clear of her.

 

Oh, and have some fun. You're young. You deserve it.

[RileyPayne]

Thanks for the advice.

 

On Friday, I found out that she had tweeted about me, in a tweet saying how late nights always make her miss the little things. This was in reference to me, it was my sister who told me and this made me curious. I broke NC and saw the tweet, I waited until the night and left it but I couldn't get to sleep. So I text my ex-girlfriend, breaking NC since 21st June. Long story short, we ended up FT'ing and chatting like things were normal and we was back together. Though in the chat I said "you won't toss me aside in the morning when you're not lonely anymore, right?" - she said she wanted to keep talking. I went to bed happy.

 

I woke up happy, but anxious and that is because when we spoke in the morning it was different. It was back to the same rhetoric of she doesn't want a relationship, I went to a festival on Saturday so I tried to forget about my worries but I did miss her insane amounts still. We went together to the same festival last year and had a great time. Anyhow, we spoke again on Sunday morning and we met up. She drove to mine and it was the first time I saw her driving, I used to drive and meet her all the time, I drove her to her theory tests, her practical but I never saw her drive me. It meant a lot to me, and we spoke in her car. We talked about everything, she told me she still loved me and cared for me but a relationship isn't what she wants. She said she was sorry for speaking to me again because she didn't want to lead me on, she just wanted to be friends with me and civil. She told me how the 2 years with me was the greatest of her life and that I was an incredible guy who was smart and lovely. We departed after an hour of chat, during which, she informed me that the rebound I thought was occurring was misinformation, it wasn't true.

 

But yeah, I asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to be able to come and talk to me every now and then, I told her I still wanted a relationship. She's a nice girl, really attractive and she obviously still cares about me. She told me how she'd used her best friends social media to check up on me because I'd blocked her and wanted to make sure I was coping alright.

 

I told her that I'd like to think when I come back from Uni in December we can speak and chill, hopefully by then we'll both have a clearer outlook on life.

 

But ultimately, I need to move on. The pain currently feels numb, but I am quite sad and I feel like I could cry at any sad thing whether it relates to me or not. It broke my heart again, I do wish I didn't break NC...

 

Back to NC Day 1...

Edited July 12, 2015 by RileyPayne

[RileyPayne]

I'd like to think I'm growing and developing as a person. The pain still resides deep in my heart but the pain is numbing, the thoughts are becoming less, although far too much still and I can't help but just want to travel 2 months ahead to the start of University.

 

I need a new environment, a new challenge and a new focus. Going to University should provide all three of those things.

 

I still miss her, but I've accepted that she isn't coming back now. I just need to rid the regrets from my mind and focus on making me happy.

[RileyPayne]

Monday was an okay day, I made it my mission to try and smile. Smiling, although it may seem fake now, may just dupe my body into thinking I am really quite happy. I also made it my goal not to speak about my ex-girlfriend from 12pm. I managed that and I'm happy I managed that.

 

So in the day, me and my sister went to get petrol before I dragged my car up the city center. The clutch has entirely gone and I'd come very close to breaking down later in the day en-route to the garage. However, we walked around the city and chatted, she is also going through a first love BU, and now my older sister, who is 30, is going through a near-divorce with her husband. Our family is being hit in 2015 and it's not fun.

 

I went to work feeling alright in myself and left feeling good. I managed to eat dinner for the 2nd day in a row, result and my appetite is returning. Although I still find it very difficult to eat breakfast. I'm putting this down to the fact I continuously wake up feeling anxious after dreams about my ex-girlfriend, this is happening daily now and it is absolutely horrible.

 

My goals for today, which I will revisit later...

 

- Get to the gym! No car which means I'll need to walk but I find walking therapeutic.

- Don't speak about my ex-girlfriend from 11:00am today.

- Get my car cleaned (if it is fixed today)

- Eat a lot, you deserve it.

 

[RileyPayne]

So after the dreggy start to the day, I tried to liven up my moods but when my sister left for work I felt alone and began to regret my mistakes again. I sat there, cried for 3-4 mins before telling myself to get a grip and do something that will make me happy, which, in this case was getting to the gym. So despite the downpour in rain, the dreary weather and the damn right sad attitude, I geared up and walked to the gym; although, 5 minutes in to the 30 minute walk I decided I'd run. So I jogged to the gym and I felt great, but incredibly tired. Did my gym work out and walked back instead, felt a lot better, felt quite euphoric!

 

Got back and had lunch, unfortunately, after lunch I got a call from the garage saying my car will cost me another £40 because the car needs to be sent off to have more work done on the clutch, which is absolutely knackered. So I sat in the lounge, stuck The Wire on and sat there for a few hours scoffing my face. I was meaning to go out but that was based on me having a car, so I rearranged for tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to pick up my car, pick up my friend, go and clean my car, then pop back home for some lunch and some chill time with my mate.

 

I also managed another day without speaking to anyone about my ex-girlfriend from 11:15 today, not 11:00 but still a victory in my book. I had to vent to someone during my period of brief relapse, but it helped. I don't want to contain my emotions so they explode at some point I wouldn't like them to.

 

My goals for today, which I will revisit later...

 

- Get to the gym! No car which means I'll need to walk but I find walking therapeutic. TICK /

- Don't speak about my ex-girlfriend from 11:00am today. TICK /

- Get my car cleaned (if it is fixed today) Would have been a tick if it wasn't so bad!

- Eat a lot, you deserve it. TICK /

 

 

Let's hope I have calm dreams and a calmer wake tomorrow, I'd like not to have a dream where my ex-girlfriend interjects and wakes me up.

[RileyPayne]

Could a mod change the title to "Learning about life" > move it to coping as well if you feel it fits.

 

Wow. I woke up rested after a good sleep for the first time in a very long time and boy does it make your mornings feel better! I don't yet feel 100% but I'm getting there and this, for me, is another victory in my ongoing crusade to wade through these tough times! So I've not yet got to breakfast, because I've found that I enjoy writing these before I hit off for the day so I can set myself some goals then revisit them later with a summary of how great my day has been, positive thinking .

 

The only pain that currently resides within me is fear, I'm scared that once I get out of my bed and start my day that everything will just tumble down and I'll feel lonely again. So to combat that, I'm going to do what I've been doing, not to speak about my ex-girlfriend from 11:00am, so in 15 minutes time and try ever so hard to smile, keep positive and keep myself occupied.

 

Today, I'd like to:

 

- Go to the gym, whether driving, running or walking.

- Pick up my repaired car and have it cleaned inside + outside.

- Meet my friend and spend some time chilling with him.

- Try and fix one of the computer games I used to love playing but stopped during the relationship!

 

I'll revisit these later.

Edited July 15, 2015 by RileyPayne

[RileyPayne]

Yesterday was a good day for me, although I did still have those moments where I felt lonely and where I'd love a cuddle, a squeeze or a peck from my ex-girlfriend. But those days are long gone in the wind now. I'm not going to lie to myself, it is still hurting, but I find myself thinking about her far less. Last month, I'd spend hours in a constant state of mind where it felt like every air pocket was filled with thoughts of her and every object, a memory of her somehow. I find that with time and especially, not speaking about her, that these thoughts come far less now and I spend far more time thinking about different things, more often than not, thoughts that do actually make me happy. Although as I did find out last night, nights are still one of my weakest moments and it does take me a while to get into a good sleep after I shut off all my technology and/or push my book to the side.

 

Mornings too are tough, but I'm becoming stronger. Last night I did have one small part of my dream that included my ex-girlfriend, but I didn't wake up from it and I can barely remember what her role was in the dream. Though, it did play on my mind quite a bit and as a result, I woke up in a state of brief anxiety. Despite this, I didn't sleep too badly.

 

Onto my victories, I managed to get to the gym, with my newly fixed car! Although the price was extortionate, you can't put a price on happiness and I am happy that I sorted my car out. It meant I could meet my friend and I chilled with them from around 5ish to about 11 at night. I also managed to fix the computer game I used to spend some time playing, so I'm going to give that a run tonight to see how things are! Though I didn't manage to clean my car because I was out with friends for so long, I figured that is something I can do today after breakfast. I can't go the gym because I'm on my recovery day after 2 days of hard work, though, if I am feeling better I may go for a light session.

 

On the NC front, I've managed to go 4 days strict NC so I congratulate myself for that. A good friend said to me, it's far easier to stick to the facts and know less, that way, you remain happy. I don't want to know if she's seeing other boys, driving around, being happy, being friendly. It's not in my interest, if she is missing me, like she said she was, well "missing the little things" than so be it. It's her life, not mine, I need to do what makes me happy and that doesn't revolve around her anymore, nor does it mean I have to wait until she wants to decide whether she wants me again. No.

 

Today, I'd like to:

 

- See my sister at some point.

- Wash my car inside + outside.

- Depending on my monetary situation, drive down to a supermarket to ready some things for a friend's BBQ tomorrow evening.

- Play the fixed computer game!

- Walk the dog

- Possible one: Depending on how the body feels physically, head to the gym.

 

 

Could a mod change the title to "Learning about life" > move it to coping as well if you feel it fits.Today, I'd like to:

 

- Go to the gym, whether driving, running or walking. TICK

- Pick up my repaired car and have it cleaned inside + outside. HALF-TICK

- Meet my friend and spend some time chilling with him. TICK

- Try and fix one of the computer games I used to love playing but stopped during the relationship! TICK

 

I'll revisit these later.