7 weeks NC

[Jemay]

It's been 7 weeks now and I'm having a really terrible night. He's not contacted me..... that's really good news yet I'm heartbroken.

 

This man emotionally abused me, physically abused me in drunken rages, this man violated me in so many ways, and still I loved him. No matter the horrific things he did to me, I always came back. WHY??? Why would a woman do that. Why would she be so drawn to such a cruel man. Why would she go back to more abuse? I'm so trying to understand. I'm only slowly waking up from this nightmare. I'm in the beginning stages of therapy and only slowly am I coming out the other side. I'm still in shock I think. I'm smart, good looking, successful, one would never even know the crazy things I lived through the past 3 years.

 

7 weeks ago, I looked at myself, and I was mortified. What the hell was I doing??? Where was my self respect? This man treated me like garbage, and my response was, sure go ahead, it's okay! I'm ashamed to admit, it was his insults and not my own intelligence that made me finally hit rock bottom.

 

I left him, began NC, and I started therapy. My main question and goal in therapy being 'how do I learn to love myself'. I figure I must not like myself very much to keep coming back to this man who hurts me so. So that's where I'm at.

 

I'm starting to feel better. I'm no longer a suicidal pitiful mess. I'm beginning to see things more clearly. I'm learning to cope and really I think I'm moving on. But I'm stuck in this negative mental chatter. This man, who's got no job, is an alcoholic, who is in crazy financial dept, has few friends, whose daughter isn't even speaking to him because he's so cruel, this man who's really got not much going on at all, who supposedly loved me so much, this man is not contacting me! If this awful man doesn't think I'm worth a ****ing call, then how special am I really.

 

I know this is all messed up thinking. My therapist thinks he's gonna contact me again, and she's worried, cause she thinks I'm really vulnerable still. Right now I wish he contacted me, and I'm ashamed, cause I know it's wrong, and I feel like I'm a total nutcase for even thinking that.

 

There's so much of our own brokenness exposed in such relationships. I guess I'm just really tired, exhausted from all this, wishing I heal just a little faster, cause I don't think I can cry any more tears.

 

I'm a smart woman!! Why am I acting like such an idiot? Why do I love him so much, why is it so hard to move on when I'm moving on from hell? I've got so few happy memories with him... why do I miss him so much??

[hoping2heal]

I am so sorry for your experience. By letting him abuse you it just chipped away at your self-worth and value. Kudos to you for recognizing that and deciding to do something about it. We can all sit here and argue about what love is and isn't, at this point in my life I have decided love is not words you say but actions you do. Abusing someone is not loving - so no matter how much begging, sex, apologizing or otherwise - it is STILL not love.

 

You mention something about your self-worth being tied to him not bothering to call...well, there's your answer to why you care so much. You have let this person get into your head and you have been roped into a head game related to self-worth. He has mistreated you and abused you and now you look to him to validate your feelings, your sense of worth.

 

Stick with what you're doing because the last thing you need is mistreatment. Life is not perfect or happy all of the time for anybody but good grief, it is certainly both too short and too long, to make it harder on yourself by surrounding yourself with people who make you feel bad about who you are.

[Jemay]

You mention something about your self-worth being tied to him not bothering to call...well, there's your answer to why you care so much. You have let this person get into your head and you have been roped into a head game related to self-worth. He has mistreated you and abused you and now you look to him to validate your feelings, your sense of worth.

 

 

thank you so much. Yes, you're right, my self-worth wasn't so good to begin with, he shattered it. Trying now to get my dignity back and mentally wrapping my head around my own foolishness.

 

He did the begging, apologizing, and it felt good after the damage he did. I was completely hooked on him, addicted to his words, and completely blind that his actions didn't match up his words. So yeah, you mention another bit of truth right there.

 

Now his words are gone, too, and it made me literally crazy in loneliness. I don't even mind my own company, yet when he stopped his pursuit, I fell apart even more. I think it's another head game of his, ignoring me now. And I never thought he would do that, out of selfish reasons at the very least, I mean I was his support, and now I'm gone. He's not the kind of man to seek out another, to find a replacement, so his games really are self defeating?

 

But he's crazy, so I shouldn't try to analyze his behavior and focus on me. I know this. But my head won't listen and on and on I go trying to figure out the why's.

 

If he contacted me now, I'd be in real trouble. I know this. So maybe I should just consider myself lucky. One would think escaping from such a negative situation would not be this hard.

[Jemay]

Was just hoping someone could talk to me about this. Saw a friend today, and she knows my whole story. She is glad he's not contacted me but she's also surprised like I am that he hasn't even bothered to contact me.

 

Today is 50 days. The relationship stripped me of all my self worth, but his not even bothering to check on me just hurts so much on top all that. I know he's not dating anyone, he's not working, I am sure he misses me, do men just have that kind of self control? Is it because for once I walked away and he wants to see me break and crawl back?

 

I know I shouldn't be obsessing like this! It's been 50 days, when does one get 'over' it? I've had good days.... but I just look at the number 50 and it sets me way back. Should I stop counting days? I need answers When do you get better?

[54JA]

Congratulations on your 50th day of successful NC. I can relate to your story in some way, even though my ex was not physically abusive. He was really insecure and slightly manipulative. My break up with him was over a decade ago. I remember now that it took me about a year to stop hurting, and another year or so to be ready for a new relationship.

 

Although I don't miss him or hurt anymore, I still remember the pain I felt after the break up. I remember the pain NOT because he was anybody special, but because of the dramatic change in my life the break up caused. I was with him for a little over 4 years. Throughout our relationship, I spent most of my free time together with him, which was not healthy because I neglected to seek and cultivate other forms of social support. He became my primary social and emotional support network. I shared so many aspects of my life with him that when he was gone, making the adjustment was almost impossible. I would see something funny on TV, and my automatic response was "I should tell ____ (ex's name)," only to realize that I could no longer do that. It was extremely difficult to really accept that my life was no longer relevant to him, that my life and his life no longer have anything to do with each other. I really had to get it to my head in order to stop those automatic responses.

 

After "getting over him" (not missing him), I still had to deal with the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I went on many unsuccessful dates, which made me feel even lonelier.

 

It took many unsuccessful attempts at NC. I had so many moments of weakness where I would break NC, or accept his attempts to contact me. I even told him that I would still take him back even though he was already with someone he was seeing behind my back. No self-respect or dignity there. But, despite several setbacks, NC became longer and longer eventually.

 

Looking back after over a decade later, I don't feel ashamed for the pain I felt, for missing a no good boyfriend, or my pathetic attempts to get him back. The important thing is that, now I am happy. How I dealt with the break up does even matter to me anymore. I was just being a human being. I know I made a lot of pitiful moves, but now I can laugh about them.

 

I apologize for this long post, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want you to be ashamed for wanting him back or missing him. It's just a phase (albeit a long one) many people have to go through. You have a long way to go, but the good news is, the longer you hold on, the faster each day will pass. With each day, you are getting closer to getting over him. Good luck.

[Jemay]

 

I apologize for this long post, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want you to be ashamed for wanting him back or missing him. It's just a phase (albeit a long one) many people have to go through. You have a long way to go, but the good news is, the longer you hold on, the faster each day will pass. With each day, you are getting closer to getting over him. Good luck.

 

Thank you so much for that, truly, sometimes hearing someone else's story can be so healing. Yeah, still have a long ways to go, being on here really helps, thanks again for your support.

[54JA]

Jemay,

 

I hope you are feeling better today, and I hope that your therapy is going well. Your therapy goal is simple, yet extremely crucial; learning to love yourself. It sounds easier said than done. But you have already taken the first step to loving yourself by getting out of an abusive relationship and getting professional help.

 

I am not too familiar with the psychology related to abusive relationship and self-love, but I think therapy will be extremely important for you. My father was an abusive alcoholic, who used to physically abuse my mother. I wished that she got the help she needed but she never did. Where I come from, therapy was not very common at the time. My mother has been remarried and there is no physical abuse in her current marriage.

 

I kinda went off tangent here, but I hope you are feeling better. Hang in there!

[Jemay]

Thank you JA Today is day 54 NC and it was a much better day. I stopped counting this week, that helped I think, and therapy is going to be really good for me, I started DBT group therapy, and it's really incredibly helpful. I'm not taking any short cuts this time, really going to do the work

[Meli22]

I think this is totally normal to feel the way you do. For some reason the most toxic relationships are the hardest to get over. There's always a lot of self blame, anger etc. 7 weeks is no time at all, I'm around 3.5 months since my break up and this week for some reason I'm missing my ex like crazy. And I too wonder why, because he was possessive and controlling and accused me regularly of things I hadn't done.

 

You'll get past this one day, I'm sure you've heard that before but it's true. Just keep pushing forward and realise how miserable he made you. There's someone out there who will treat you like a queen one day.

[54JA]

Congrats on having a good day! It's awesome that you find the therapy helpful. I wished I had gone to one when I was going through my breakup.

 

Someone here posted an article about science of break up pain. You might find it helpful. I talks about the factors related to why some people suffer more pain than others. Though briefly, it also talks about the things you can do to help your healing at the end. One of the good things about this article was that it recognize the pain of breakups as something legit, NOT something people should just get over. I think what you went through was a trauma, and would take a professional to properly guide you in how to cope with the aftermath. Like I said before, please don't feel bad for missing him or not getting better fast enough. You get better in time:)

[Jemay]

Thanks Meli and JA, thanks so much for your words. I think I have pressured myself a bit about getting over all this more quickly. I guess I just get so angry at myself for being so miserable and missing someone who was so cruel to me. I read other people's stories and often they describe these great relationships, so of course they are in pain, and miss them! But in my case, I should be rejoicing that I finally found the strength to get out.

 

Then of course there's this whole ego thing going on in my head that he has not pursued me. I knew he'd not contact me for a long while cause I'm sure he expected me to come crawlin back but still no word.... just added insult to all of it that he didn't come chasing after me.... I think it would have felt good to tell him to go to hell But...... if he had chased me early on, I'd not be where I am now. I think I'm actually strong enough to keep walking no matter what he does now.

[Jemay]

I went on a date today with a totally nice guy. I could grow to really care for him I think. But I got overwhelmed pretty quickly, and left. My thought leaving, I like you but you're not my ex. I figure I'm not ready yet to date.

 

My ex and I had immediate, complete crazy connection, attraction, even obsession. We 'loved' each other immediately. With this man I saw today it was nothing like it. I was ready to leave after 2 hours. With my ex, I could have spent an eternity doing absolutely nothing.

 

So maybe I'm not ready to date... but I'm concerned. What is normal? What is healthy? Does love grow or does it hit you like a truck? I don't know what is normal anymore. With my ex time just stood still, I even took the abuse to stay close to that connection. I don't know what it was!! I just don't know.

 

This new man is kind, safe, gentle. Funny, too, certainly no doormat either. But with my ex there was fireworks. When we cuddled I cared about nothing else. I could look at him for hours and just think I'm so happy you're mine. What is that? Please, if you have thoughts share them with me? I just want to hear some opinions on love, connection, can love grow into fireworks kind of love if it's not right there in the beginning?

[quattrob]

You obviously haven't gotten over your ex yet and you certainly aren't ready to start another "serious" relationship with someone else. If you're always comparing your ex with your new potentials, you will never be happy, everyone is different and special... take some time to not date seriously, you're just setting yourself back even more.

 

When you can get to the point where you can stop expecting and comparing your ex to your date then you are ready, until then just focus on other things like improving yourself and doing things you want to do. Don't worry about finding someone because it will come when you are seriously ready.

[Jemay]

You obviously haven't gotten over your ex yet and you certainly aren't ready to start another "serious" relationship with someone else. If you're always comparing your ex with your new potentials, you will never be happy, everyone is different and special... take some time to not date seriously, you're just setting yourself back even more.

 

When you can get to the point where you can stop expecting and comparing your ex to your date then you are ready, until then just focus on other things like improving yourself and doing things you want to do. Don't worry about finding someone because it will come when you are seriously ready.

 

You're right I'm not ready for 'serious' yet, the guy knows that, I just want light and playful. Really a lover should be your friend, too... I can see this new guy being a great friend, I can also see that he may be a great lover.... He's giving me lots of time (so he says) to slowly get comfortable. I'm just not getting the crazy love sparks. Could that come with time?

 

I'm not gonna be over my ex for a very long time..... considering all he did, I don't want to waste any more time mourning him, I want my life back, have a nice guy to have fun with....

 

I guess I'm just lonely. I don't have a problem doing things alone, the problem is that I am way too comfortable doing things alone, to the point where I'm a total introvert now. I don't 'need' a man, just would be kinda nice..... but I don't want to lead this new man on if there's no way the sparks will eventually hit me.... cause they're not hitting me now...... thank you for your thoughts quattrob, I appreciate it.

[54JA]

I think there is a lot of factors to consider when it comes to that feeling of "love." I think there are various dimensions to a person's "love" for another.

 

I don't feel the "crazy in love" spark I did as a teenager anymore. That's probably because of the hormones and my realistic outlook on life. I used to fall for guys who were really vulnerable, those guys with history. I used to thrive of the role of being a "confidant" and a "rescuer." The more vulnerability the guy showed, the more fueled my feelings got. I got "high" from the drama and felt like I was "special." With my current guy I've been with for over 10 years, I don't feel anything extreme. It's very calm, but filled with laughter. He is strong and giving. We have very little drama in our relationship. If I were to draw a bar graph for love, I would include dimensions like sexual appeal, respect, trustworthiness, kindness, humor, moral values, etc (I know some of them overlap). I think our relationship would score high on things like trust, respect, humor, values, etc., and sexual attraction may be average. But I think I would choose character and laughter over sexual attraction any day, as long as it's there. For me, it does not have to be "I would bang you in public restroom" type of sexual attraction, because I don't think relationship can survive on sexual attraction alone.

 

I think love can grow when both parties are ready and open to it. Strong sparks can be fun, but it does not have to serve as the primary sign that he is the guy.

[Jemay]

I think there is a lot of factors to consider when it comes to that feeling of "love." I think there are various dimensions to a person's "love" for another.

 

I don't feel the "crazy in love" spark I did as a teenager anymore. That's probably because of the hormones and my realistic outlook on life. I used to fall for guys who were really vulnerable, those guys with history. I used to thrive of the role of being a "confidant" and a "rescuer." The more vulnerability the guy showed, the more fueled my feelings got. I got "high" from the drama and felt like I was "special." With my current guy I've been with for over 10 years, I don't feel anything extreme. It's very calm, but filled with laughter. He is strong and giving. We have very little drama in our relationship. If I were to draw a bar graph for love, I would include dimensions like sexual appeal, respect, trustworthiness, kindness, humor, moral values, etc (I know some of them overlap). I think our relationship would score high on things like trust, respect, humor, values, etc., and sexual attraction may be average. But I think I would choose character and laughter over sexual attraction any day, as long as it's there. For me, it does not have to be "I would bang you in public restroom" type of sexual attraction, because I don't think relationship can survive on sexual attraction alone.

 

I think love can grow when both parties are ready and open to it. Strong sparks can be fun, but it does not have to serve as the primary sign that he is the guy.

 

Thank you so much for that, JA. The man you describe, whom you're with now, that's who I want to attract into my life now. I don't need all the craziness anymore.... steady, calm, trustworthy, dependable, kind, those were never really on my list, they are now though. THanks

[hotmrw]

I went 5 days no contact with my EX, she then punished me by taking my daughter off me for a further 2 weeks, silly b!tch she is....

[54JA]

I feel like I've changed, and so did what I look for in a guy. My ex had some serious issues and came from a divorced family as I did. Both of his parents had some serious issues (abuse, depression, etc). My family background was similar, although at least one of my parents (my mom) is solid. Being with him made me feel normal, in a way. During the early part of our breakup, I looked for guys that were similar to my ex, both physically and internally. But as I got over it, I became more open to other types of guys.

[Jemay]

I feel like I've changed, and so did what I look for in a guy. My ex had some serious issues and came from a divorced family as I did. Both of his parents had some serious issues (abuse, depression, etc). My family background was similar, although at least one of my parents (my mom) is solid. Being with him made me feel normal, in a way. During the early part of our breakup, I looked for guys that were similar to my ex, both physically and internally. But as I got over it, I became more open to other types of guys.

 

Man, I so relate. My ex and I were so so similar in terms of abusive, neglectful past, family dysfunction, etc. and it created an intense connection between us. Unfortunately, neither one of us had very good relationship skills and I suppose little self-love, which in the end just proved to be a disaster to happen.

 

I saw the hurting little boy inside him, and it made me love him fiercely, but sadly it wasn't enough, he's also in therapy, but sometimes people are just too broken to be in a healthy relationship. After we broke up, I also looked for guys similar, my ex is 6ft 3, green eyes, and I actually once searched for same stats guys on my online dating site, ugh... luckily I'm over that now.

 

Today is 60 days NC. I'm feeling so much better. More myself, or even a better version of myself. I've got my self-respect back, getting more confident again, and just overall I've got a better outlook. My infatuation to him has definitely faded a ton. My heart still hurts, my ego big time bruised from fact he didn't contact me at all, but I go through my days functioning very well. Definitely getting back to happy.

 

I ditched the guy I was briefly seeing cause I'm just not ready. Deleted online dating profile, and just gonna work on me. Doing DBT group therapy, and man, if anyone is looking for a good way to self-improve, look into it, so effective.

 

Just my NC update. We broke up probably about 5-6 months ago, but only past 2 month did I really accept that it wasn't gonna be a relationship that could or should be saved. It was my decision to leave but the fact he didn't come after me, almost makes him the dumper. I've come so far, 6 months ago I sat in my therapist's office crying my eyes out, not wanting to live, crazy how clouded my sanity was. The last 2 months NC really did what it's supposed to do, open space for healing. So if anyone out there feeling the crappiest ever, I know how you feel, and trust me, you WILL feel good again. Joy is just around the corner from pain. Hang in there X

[Speirling]

Hi jemay,

 

Thank you for posting, I can identify with your feelings so much! I have a question for you: do you feel the dv has contributed to the level of difficulty moving on? I'm stunned by how hard I'm taking this: I've had a cpl of serious breakups but this is something very different for me. You're further on- do you feel it may have contributed? ( I'm looking for reasons why this has completely floored me other than he was actually the one for me!)

 

Love,

S

[Jemay]

Hi jemay,

 

Thank you for posting, I can identify with your feelings so much! I have a question for you: do you feel the dv has contributed to the level of difficulty moving on? I'm stunned by how hard I'm taking this: I've had a cpl of serious breakups but this is something very different for me. You're further on- do you feel it may have contributed? ( I'm looking for reasons why this has completely floored me other than he was actually the one for me!)

 

Love,

S

 

Hi Speirling, was your ex abusive? I think when abuse happens, it's a trauma, and it kind of puts you in a bubble, you become blind, and the situation becomes so intense, that the intensity itself almost increases your connection to the other person. Does that make sense? I lost the sense of reality with my ex, when he was awful it was so bad, and when he came back apologizing, it was such great relief, it was constant highs and lows, and in a way I got hooked on those highs. It's hard to explain, I still don't quite get how I could be so stupid and stay for as long as I did.

 

I don't know if that answered your question, but if you were in an abusive situation, I'm glad you got out, you'll get through it. I think sometimes I feel like I was maybe suffering from PTSD, maybe that's why I had such a hard time, feeling suicidal, and you know just rock bottom low.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Jemay

[Speirling]

Hi J,

 

Yeah, by a technical definition he was, but I have seen what has happened to some ppl and I feel it doesn't really "count". In ur original post for this thread u mentioned it- I hope it was ok to refer back.

 

What you describe is what I ran from- ecstatic highs and the most fundamentally affecting lows. I stayed for too long, but I did the best that I could with the information I had at the time. In all honesty, in my worst moments, the only thing that I can still be proud of is that I did leave. Somewhere inside I must still value myself to have done that.

 

Highs and lows- this feels exactly like withdrawal in many ways (I'm a smoker!) you have the short term chaos while you physically withdraw, but the psychological dependence is much more tenacious. The awful part is that when u clear the physical side (the immediate loss of contact in this case) you feel better, but the psychological dependency took longer to form, and thus takes longer to "rewire" in your brain. Problem is is that everyone is very aware of the physical (short term) withdrawal and it's acceptable- the psychological (long term) is much less commonly understood. Think of the intensity as the level of nicotine of the 40/day habit you've developed-I hope that makes sense!

 

Thank you for responding, and congratulations on your 60 days.

 

S

[Jemay]

 

Highs and lows- this feels exactly like withdrawal in many ways (I'm a smoker!) you have the short term chaos while you physically withdraw, but the psychological dependence is much more tenacious. The awful part is that when u clear the physical side (the immediate loss of contact in this case) you feel better, but the psychological dependency took longer to form, and thus takes longer to "rewire" in your brain. Problem is is that everyone is very aware of the physical (short term) withdrawal and it's acceptable- the psychological (long term) is much less commonly understood. Think of the intensity as the level of nicotine of the 40/day habit you've developed-I hope that makes sense!

 

Thank you for responding, and congratulations on your 60 days.

 

S

 

You are spot on with this. I've compared my relationship to smoking many times. I quit almost 7 years ago, and yes the psychological addiction was far more difficult to break than the physical. Google 'love addiction' and you'll find yourself relating so much. I know I did. The good thing is that 'rewiring' does happen. You've been blind, cause love or what we thought was love does make you blind. And that's what you have to do now, open your eyes, and really look at yourself, and your relationship.

 

Some of the biggest things that will slow down your healing is being nostalgic about your ex, thinking that he was 'the one', putting him on a pedestal, etc. Whenever you think of stuff like that, and get the intense urge to want to contact him, you got to sit down and write down all the stuff you were blind to during the relationship. You will notice that the list will get longer in time.

 

You should be very proud. I know how hard it is. Your self-worth will come back, I promise, be really, really good to yourself, you deserve to be treated well, but first you must learn to believe that you do.

[Jemay]

Well, it's been over 70 days NC and he just called several times, from a different number. Leaving messages..... saying he loves me, misses me, bla bla bla. Apparently he is moving closer to me. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I do know I feel I have my self-respect back, and for some reason that means more to me now than any love I ever felt for him. Wow, I'm wondering if maybe, just maybe, I'm beginning to love myself a bit finally.... what a concept haha looks like therapy is doing me a whole lota good.

 

I suppose I know what to do. Maintain NC. Block the number. Cause I'll not lie, hearing his voice did **** with me

[Meli22]

Jemay.. Well done on being so strong. The tables have turned for you it seems!

 

It's been around 4 months since I broke up with my ex. There was no contact until around 2 weeks ago when I reached out for some closure. It didn't set me back at all, in fact I felt sort of relieved afterwards like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because for so long I had been wondering why he changed. Of course he still had no answers for me but he made it clear that his life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. I came across strong and my emotions were in tact which I felt good about because before that, the last time we spoke I was an emotional mess.

 

I heard from a friend who decided to kindly (yeah right) drop in a conversation that my ex has been dating here and there. I won't lie it kind of hit me a little bit and I felt hurt, although I can't say much because I have been dating too. Maybe it's just my ego talking. I was more annoyed at my friend for telling me that info when I hadn't even asked about him.

 

Overall I do feel better but I still feel some hurt and pain. I've stopped thinking why wasn't I good enough, but I do find myself wondering sometimes as to why his feelings changed. He still couldn't give me an answer 4 months on so I know it's not necessarily anything I did. I don't really miss him as a person as he was controlling and very jealous (I've done a thread about it somewhere), but I do miss having him as a best friend and the company. People say all the time he's let a good one go.. I wonder if he realizes that also. But the main focus is me here and it has been for a long time and it will stay that way