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she texted me "I miss you" after I went NC


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me(23) and my ex-girlfriend(20) of 15 months broke up a little over two months ago and all during the summer we went back and forth getting back together and breaking up. but whenever we got back together it was her to reach out to me with that offer. the first time we broke up was because she said she was so inundated with school that she couldn't physically handle a relationship, but most recently she wanted to end things because she was depressed and said "if she couldn't love herself, how could she love another?" so basically it was a combination of different reasons really at the end of the day. she told me she would hope to be with me once she gets over this, but I've noticed her becoming more distant from me over the summer.

 

but just the other day my close friend met up with her, and my ex told her she has an attraction to this 31-year old guy (shes 2 months away from turning 21) who is the assistant chief of the ambulance corp they both work at and where she volunteers. this guy just recently broke up with his girlfriend who awkwardly works with them, but they are all friends apparently. while I'm not sure if this other guy knows of my ex's attraction towards him, i do remember them talking a lot this summer by what my ex called "counseling both him and his gf through multiple fights." my close friend pushed further and my ex said she doesnt have feelings for him, but its the thought that exists, and its the thought that's the issue. my friend told me she gets vibes that my ex is very pro-friends regarding me and her.

 

i even remember my ex making it sound like it wasn't about other people, just about herself and that she needed time.

 

what do i do? do i call her out on this stuff? and if so how? because i'm worried ill come off as in secure and ill push her away further

 

or

 

do i try and play it cool, and do something like limited to no contact with her and see if she comes back on her own merit while continuously trying to move on and post things on FB and instagram to show her im having fun without her.

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me(23) and my ex-girlfriend(20) of 15 months broke up a little over two months ago and all during the summer we went back and forth getting back together and breaking up. but whenever we got back together it was her to reach out to me with that offer. the first time we broke up was because she said she was so inundated with school that she couldn't physically handle a relationship, but most recently she wanted to end things because she was depressed and said "if she couldn't love herself, how could she love another?" so basically it was a combination of different reasons really at the end of the day. she told me she would hope to be with me once she gets over this, but I've noticed her becoming more distant from me over the summer.

 

but just the other day my close friend met up with her, and my ex told her she has an attraction to this 31-year old guy (shes 2 months away from turning 21) who is the assistant chief of the ambulance corp they both work at and where she volunteers. this guy just recently broke up with his girlfriend who awkwardly works with them, but they are all friends apparently. while I'm not sure if this other guy knows of my ex's attraction towards him, i do remember them talking a lot this summer by what my ex called "counseling both him and his gf through multiple fights." my close friend pushed further and my ex said she doesnt have feelings for him, but its the thought that exists, and its the thought that's the issue. my friend told me she gets vibes that my ex is very pro-friends regarding me and her.

 

i even remember my ex making it sound like it wasn't about other people, just about herself and that she needed time.

 

what do i do? do i call her out on this stuff? and if so how? because i'm worried ill come off as in secure and ill push her away further

 

or

 

do i try and play it cool, and do something like limited to no contact with her and see if she comes back on her own merit while continuously trying to move on and post things on FB and instagram to show her im having fun without her.

 

Are you really that shocked that there is another guy?

 

People should stop telling you information about your ex. It is pointless and a waste of time.

 

When she broke up with you the first time, I would have told her you need to think about it because breaking up isn't a joke and you don't like to waste your time. Getting back together and breaking up constantly is her with a low interest level / scared to be alone. Should have put your foot down initially and then, maybe, she would have started to realize her mistake. But if you are available after each time its over, she thinks that its OKAY to end it with you and she loses respect for you.

 

If you confront her, she will think you are weak and jealous. I strongly you take the second approach and go NC. If she reaches out to you, ignore. If she sees you in person, you walk right past her. Facebook and Instagram is such a waste of time...if you start to play that game she will turn around and do the exact same.

 

My suggestion is remove her from instagram and facebook as well. You need to protect yourself before anything. Without her being able to see you on instagram / Facebook, she will wonder what you are up to, how did you move on so fast, who is the other girl, etc. First and foremost, she wants to be your friend which means she has little to no interest in you...so view it as over forever man and start to move on.

 

When you do initiate NC, she will start to send out "breadcrumbs"... unfortunately its just to see if you will bite and that she still has you. Do not respond, do not even consider talking to her. Also, let no one who communicates with her know anything about you. If they ask what you're up to, be vague and act happy.

 

That in my opinion is the best approach. Why? Because if she wants you back, she will come back to you. If she doesn't, well, you've at least protected yourself and started to heal to the point of indifference. I can promise you if you stick around she will realize that you are "too easy, too weak and too available" and that "you can't move on", "she will always have you" and "she can date other guys, and if the fail, you'll be there waiting in the background as a safety net". Do you want to be that guy?

Edited by lauri
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i just don't know how to shred that "easy" image meaning she can talk to me whenever she wants or offer to be friends bit. i feel like i should do something before anything might happen with her or too much times passes where she gets over me and seriously considers other people. but i know deep down you're right, if i do or say anything it'll come off as weak and insecure. my biggest fear right now is picturing her with someone else, not thinking she respects me and not having any way of igniting a fire in her to make her possibly come back.

 

the only thing about NC that scares me is exactly what i just said in terms of "maybe hes mad at me ill back off for good now" or shell throw a bread crumb like you said and check up on me. I'm just so conflicted

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Turn around and walk away. Only way she'll take you seriously and respect you.

 

If you do that and she doesn't come around, she doesn't feel that way about you anymore. Not anything you can do but move on.

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i just don't know how to shred that "easy" image meaning she can talk to me whenever she wants or offer to be friends bit. i feel like i should do something before anything might happen with her or too much times passes where she gets over me and seriously considers other people. but i know deep down you're right, if i do or say anything it'll come off as weak and insecure. my biggest fear right now is picturing her with someone else, not thinking she respects me and not having any way of igniting a fire in her to make her possibly come back.

 

the only thing about NC that scares me is exactly what i just said in terms of "maybe hes mad at me ill back off for good now" or shell throw a bread crumb like you said and check up on me. I'm just so conflicted

 

Trust me man i am kinda in ur case my i felt the same way about NC i really did i stop contacting my ex then she started calling me lol now my ex is up 2 the point where she dating someone ,but told me she wants to fix things :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: i am actually doing better without her so i am happy and dont plan on taking her back ,but NC just depends on situation

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i just don't know how to shred that "easy" image meaning she can talk to me whenever she wants or offer to be friends bit. i feel like i should do something before anything might happen with her or too much times passes where she gets over me and seriously considers other people. but i know deep down you're right, if i do or say anything it'll come off as weak and insecure. my biggest fear right now is picturing her with someone else, not thinking she respects me and not having any way of igniting a fire in her to make her possibly come back.

 

the only thing about NC that scares me is exactly what i just said in terms of "maybe hes mad at me ill back off for good now" or shell throw a bread crumb like you said and check up on me. I'm just so conflicted

 

Your logic is so far off its not even funny. If you want, go ahead and contact her. See how it goes, she will get so cold / turned off by you and eventually / probably block YOU out of her life. They key is control and power, you have all the power if you are the one to walk away, not her.

 

Women likes a challenge and a guy who is confident, a guy with a backbone who can't be walked all over. Show your confidence by moving on - acting like you can find someone 10x better than her. She only back off for good if you are contacting her (which is what she wants to get an ego boost). She will NOT back off if you disappear and start to move on. She will begin to panic, begin to wonder why you're all a sudden disappearing, and how can you move on so fast? She'll start to assume there is a new hot sexy girl in your life.

 

Also, the weak / jealousy thing, if you continue to contact her / worry about her moving on, then you've already lost. The only chance you have of getting her back is to move on yourself. You know this deep down inside b/c you "man gut" is telling you the truth. Start to listen to it and act on your nature instinct.

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like shes left me "hopeful bits" of information like "i hope to be with you once i learn to love myself again," or even last night i mentioned that my little cousin missed her and she said "well will be back soon enough."

 

its just all her actions over the summer and her not mentioning this other guy that is causing me to realize shes misleading me.

 

but what you're saying is that if i stick to no contact no matter what it might just make her a little stir crazy?

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like shes left me "hopeful bits" of information like "i hope to be with you once i learn to love myself again,"

 

What she just told you was "Don't go anywhere until I find out if I stand a chance with the other guy and if he blows me off then I'll settle for you until the next opportunity comes up.

 

Don't fall for that crap. She doesn't have the guts to break up in a clean way and having you as a back up is her plan IMO.

 

That's cheap and disrespectful and if that's what you want then go for it.

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like shes left me "hopeful bits" of information like "i hope to be with you once i learn to love myself again," or even last night i mentioned that my little cousin missed her and she said "well will be back soon enough."

 

its just all her actions over the summer and her not mentioning this other guy that is causing me to realize shes misleading me.

 

but what you're saying is that if i stick to no contact no matter what it might just make her a little stir crazy?

 

Its pretty simple actually.

 

A girl wants to date a guy who shes interested in, who she respects and that has a backbone. You have already proven to her that you don't by constantly getting back with her after she ended it with you. You need to work on yourself...even if she was to come back to you again and say "I want you back, I made a mistake", I wouldn't take her. She has to PROVE it to you that she is WORTH being in you life. You have already failed to do that numerous times in the past, which may have unfortunately pushed you so far out of the door that there is no going back. Most likely, you continued to make the same mistakes / actions that made her lose interest you in the first place.

 

She is just telling you that to BS you and keep you hooked like you are now. She most likely has her eye on the other guy and wanted that information to slip to you so you could be ready for when things start to be more "official" between them. Just shows you that she has no respect for you. I suggest you work on yourself, figure out where you went wrong and use this entire situation as a learning experience. You can either continue to do what you've done continuously in the past with your ex (look at where it got you) or you can take the advice of many of us on here, go NC and start to rebuild yourself.

 

I'm not going to lie to you, its going to be probably the hardest thing you have ever done. But, with time, you will start to feel good about yourself and you will notice things about your past relationship which will make you wonder "why the hell did I even put up with her?" or "What was I thinking?!". Remember, good things never come easy.

 

Today my friend, you are no longer a second option and a wimp. Today, you are a new man and finally everything is going to click for you. Enough is enough. Start right now, delete her / block her from all social media. Who cares what she thinks / if she gets mad at you, she broke up with you. She has to live with her decision for once - only person who can make her realize breaking up with you isn't okay is yourself.

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should i give her an ultimatum of "were either taking a break (so you can work on your happiness like you said) with the exclusion of seeing other people," or were doing a clean break?

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should i give her an ultimatum of "were either taking a break (so you can work on your happiness like you said) with the exclusion of seeing other people," or were doing a clean break?

 

No, you don't do anything. I can see by how you are approaching this and thinking why she is doing what she is doing. It is because she can with you.

 

How can you give her an ultimatum? She broke up with you dude. You have no power in the situation - You make a clean break, it is significantly more effective. She won't see it coming and it'll show her that you're done with her BS. There is no such thing as a break. To me, a break means, "I am going to test the waters with the 31 year old at my work and see if he will let me get into his pants and date him, if not, I'm coming back to you!! Lucky you for getting opportunity to potentially get back to me!"

 

She will contact you, and when she does, post it here on LS before you do anything. All of us have gone through what you have and I can promise you your situation is no different then anyone else's. 99% of people make the mistake of contacting their ex and getting into conversations, closure talks etc that only dig them into a hole so deep that their ex will do anything, and I mean anything, to get rid of them.

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so how do i make this clean break? i agree with the whole NC thing at the end of the day because i didnt confront her or get aggressive and give her an ultimatum, i just stepped away. and if she texts me specifically about why ive been so distant then i can say my peace. but is your method of making a "clean break" just simply not contacting her anymore from this day forward until i hear something to the effect of "hey can we talk" or something?"

 

do i just cut it off now within myself with her or tell her something?

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so how do i make this clean break? i agree with the whole NC thing at the end of the day because i didnt confront her or get aggressive and give her an ultimatum, i just stepped away. and if she texts me specifically about why ive been so distant then i can say my peace. but is your method of making a "clean break" just simply not contacting her anymore from this day forward until i hear something to the effect of "hey can we talk" or something?"

 

do i just cut it off now within myself with her or tell her something?

 

Okay, the steps to a clean break are this:

 

1) Delete and block on social media

2) Delete her number and photos

3) Ignore any form of contact she tries to make for a minimum of 30 days. Make it a challenge and do not speak to her. After 30 days, you may want to make it 60. You will be able to make a good decision based off of what she is doing. But your ultimate goal is to start to move on and build up your strength...b/c chances are you two are never getting back together again. There is nothing you can say to change that...and anything you DO say will only ruin any chance you MAY have.

4) Do not tell her you are going to do it. There is no need to speak to her, if you do, you are just looking for validation from her which is a waste of time. What are you hoping for? That she will beg you to continue to talk to her? She will get the point once you cut her off.

 

You do not break NC unless she says "I want to get back with you" or "I made a mistake, I'm regretting ending it with you", anything else is what we classify a "breadcrumb" and will lead you on. Even in that case, you don't cave in right away. You only make a decision if she proves she is worthy of being with you...I'm just telling you for your own good you need to go NC.

 

Do not look at doing this for her, look at doing this for yourself.

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what if during this NC period she asks "are you mad at me?" or shows anger towards me ignoring her. or even asks to hang out?

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what if during this NC period she asks "are you mad at me?" or shows anger towards me ignoring her. or even asks to hang out?

 

Doesn't matter. What does that really mean? Those things you mentioned there are breadcrumbs. If she continues to contact you constantly, post here what she has been writing and the community will give you feedback. Meeting with her would be a play to get you hooked back in...don't fall for anything. You've been down this road before and it didn't get you anywhere.

 

The biggest message you can send is silence. Silence is a lot louder and more powerful than your words. Time for her to lose her safety net.

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how do i cope with the paranoia and the fact that shes attracted to this other 31-year old guy? or how do i handle the fact of her potentially getting with anyone else in general?

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how do i cope with the paranoia and the fact that shes attracted to this other 31-year old guy? or how do i handle the fact of her potentially getting with anyone else in general?

 

You realize that by staying around it only increases her chances of getting with someone else? You provide that comfort / back up plan for her to goto. You can help yourself by going NC now....don't be her backup plan and make her feel like she has you even though she's persuing another dude.

 

She is going to date someone if you are there or not. You're paranoid of losing her..but by you going NC, if there is any hope of her wanting to date you again, it'll create a similar / if not worse feeling inside for her. The longer you hold out for the better the effect it will have. You will become wiser and stronger. I think you need to accept you have already lost her since your first breakup.

 

Don't hold off on doing what is right. The longer you take the worse your situation will get. Personally, I think its too late for you and your ex. At least once you do a minimum of 30 days NC and self improvements, you'll start to feel better.

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You guys broke up. Of course she's going to become interested in other guys. Hopefully, before long, you will become interested in other girls.

 

Don't confront her for doing what is absolutely natural. If you can't watch it, you've got to go NC, and get over her. Why torture yourself?

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how do i cope with the paranoia and the fact that shes attracted to this other 31-year old guy? or how do i handle the fact of her potentially getting with anyone else in general?

 

First of all, ask your friends to stop relaying information about her to you. Why they would think that's a good idea is beyond me.

 

The rest is part of the break-up process. Eventually it will sting less. She is taking you for a ride right now and it's not cool.

 

If she contacts you and asks if you're angry or ignoring her, simply tell her "We broke up." And leave it at that. She's trying to make you Plan B. Don't let her.

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So you don’t think setting up a casual meeting to catch up and then ask her is a good idea? i have a book i need to return to her anway and i might be moving into a new house to start a new job. these can both be excuses to meet before i go.

 

This is how it would go:

1) meet up & small talk

2) segway into me saying there’s something I want to ask you about

3) mention in a cool, calm and collected manner that the reason she used to break up with me (depression and not being happy with herself) doesn’t seem to be matching up with her actions

4) ask if there is another reason she ended things with me

 

then things can either go 2 ways

 

answer #1 she admits to doing something at some point this summer while we were in between breaking up and getting back together, with this 31-year old guy

 

1)I bring up how we've both been hurt, cheated and lied to in past relationships before, and how we vowed we'd never do that to each other.

2) How you said this break up wasn't because of other people

3) bring up how "good of a thing" I was for her (her words), and remind her of the reasons and memorable moments I was there for her to prove I love her. (EX. when we got back together this summer she was in extreme abdominal pain and called me and said I miss you and I feel so alone. I went up there just to make sure she didn't have to go to the hospital, but we ended up talking about things and she said she had the fight in her to work on things and she didn't want to be with anyone else.)

4) Tell her because of this lie and how much it hurts me; this "good thing" is walking away from you.

5) Mention to her at the end that I still love you and if you ever get your act together we can get that cup of coffee down the road, but for now you should really be ashamed because you hurt someone who truly loves and cares about you...and then walk away to my car and drive off (cup of coffee for us is code about talking about getting back together in the future)

 

answer #2 she mentions she has not done anything with this 31-year old guy but has an attraction to him

 

1) call her out on how you said this break up wasn't because of other people

2) bring up how being dishonest has hurt us in the past with past relationships

3) bring up how "good of a thing" I was for her, and remind her of the reasons and memorable moments I was there for her to prove I love her. (EX. when we got back together this summer she was in extreme abdominal pain and called me and said I miss you and I feel so alone. I went up there just to make sure she didn't have to go to the hospital, but we ended up talking about things and she said she had the fight in her to work on things and she didn't want to be with anyone else.)

4) Sympathize with her and mention how I know she has a lot to deal with right now with school and stress, but not being completely honest with me is still not cool

5) tell her because of her being dishonest and how much it hurts me, this "good thing" is walking away from you.

6) Mention to her at the end that I still love you and if you ever get your act together we can get that cup of coffee down the road, but for now you should really be ashamed because you hurt someone who truly loves and cares about you...and then walk away to my car and drive off (cup of coffee for us is code about talking about getting back together in the future)

 

WILDCARD: Answer #3 she doesn't admit to doing anything with anyone else and/or neglects to bring anything up

 

1) bring up the fact that the night we got back together we watched a movie and when she feel asleep the movie we were watching online needed to buffer, so I went back to "recent pages under her search history" to recover the movie page and saw a Google search for "sleeping with someone who has a girlfriend."

2) do everything else provided in answer #1

 

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as of right now I just don’t see her having an reason to come back to me. i think She knows deep down I still love her and might take her back. The purpose of making this move is to potentially show her I respect myself, I'm able to figure out what’s going on, and to rattle her cage to make her visually see that I’m hurt and walking away (and then i'd institute a period of NC following this, onl this time shed feel the guilt and/or fire to want me back potentially)

 

I struggle between doing this high risk/ high reward strategy or simply doing a 30-day no contact break to see if she cracks and tries to contact me

I'mobviously trying to move on with my life, but at the same time trying to put myself in a better position for her to realize what shes really losing in me.

 

which option do you guys think is best? meeting up or a 30-day NC period?

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do i even have a right to call her out? i mean she told me this wasn't about other people so in a way i feel lied to and betrayed, plus for all i know the evidence is right there based on her actions this summer that she might have slept with him right after we broke up the first time and came right back to me pleading that she missed me and "doesn't want to be with anyone else and that shell never do this again"

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do i even have a right to call her out? i mean she told me this wasn't about other people so in a way i feel lied to and betrayed, plus for all i know the evidence is right there based on her actions this summer that she might have slept with him right after we broke up the first time and came right back to me pleading that she missed me and "doesn't want to be with anyone else and that shell never do this again"

 

Dude...no you don't.

 

Obviously you are looking for any excuse to contact her. You aren't going to find that on here - we will continue to tell you the hardest thing you need to do, and that is NC.

 

If you want, you can contact her. I can promise you that it'll only hurt any chance you may have of getting back together with her and you will be even more hurt / weak after you do it. She will feed you with BS, lead you on and confuse you. She won't respect you for going to see her and she will know she has you no matter what. If you want her to respect you, you need to cut her out of your life.

 

Time for you to initiate NC and delete her completely from your life. A majority of people on this board have been in your shoes, myself included, and wish we initiated NC a lot earlier.

 

Also, your analysis of how it will turn out if you meet her will not turn out the way you think. Your strategy is High risk with NO reward. She will not tell you the truth, no matter what you think, because she wants to keep you as an option. You will look weak because you are probing about her life and you will also push her so far away she will think "I never want to be with this guy ever again". Why would you want to mention half of those things? She can break up with you and do whatever she wants. Listen man, she broke up with you. It's time for you to accept she isn't your girlfriend nor does she have any responsibility to tell you what is going on in her life.

 

Stop thinking that you can save this with her because you can't... your approach and way of thinking will only dig you so deep into a hole that it'll screw you over. You need to step away and work on yourself before you can even consider having her in your life. No good will come from seeing her...and chances are, even if you do set up a time to meet with her, she will most likely ditch you. Want her to realize she is losing you? You need to not meet with her (b/c it shows you still care and want her validation) and go NC, delete her from social media and not respond to a single attempt she makes to reach out to you.

 

You have a chance to gain all the power and walk away on YOUR terms. What are you going to do?

Edited by lauri
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as of right now I just don’t see her having an reason to come back to me. i think She knows deep down I still love her and might take her back. The purpose of making this move is to potentially show her I respect myself, I'm able to figure out what’s going on, and to rattle her cage to make her visually see that I’m hurt and walking away (and then i'd institute a period of NC following this, onl this time shed feel the guilt and/or fire to want me back potentially)

 

I struggle between doing this high risk/ high reward strategy or simply doing a 30-day no contact break to see if she cracks and tries to contact me

I'mobviously trying to move on with my life, but at the same time trying to put myself in a better position for her to realize what shes really losing in me.

 

which option do you guys think is best? meeting up or a 30-day NC period?

 

I thought like you once, then I learned the hard way. She won't respect you until you start to move on and cut her out of your life. Every word you say and every time you see her it'll only get worse for you in terms of having a shot, which is probably 2% right now, of ever getting with her again. NC is not a tool to get back with her but a tool to get you back on your feet. But NC can also eventually lead to you two reconnecting one day, because you disappeared. This will establish to her if she ever breaks up with you again you will be so gone and she can't play around with you.

 

You are right, she has zero reason to come back to you. Do you think meeting with her will spike her interest in you again? Or you acting like a man and moving on? Think about it.

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so even when she texts me to say "hey you" ever week or two, just ignore it? i really dont want to be friend-zoned and becoming friends with exes is so stupid in my opinion. it gives them a way to cope with the guilt by offering yo friendship and it gives you false hope of staying in her life because you want to get back with her. my biggest fear is that i'll do NC and shell try to reach out to me as a friend and keep saying i want you in my life but i just cant handle a relationship with you right now for whatever reason.

 

so..

 

1) how would you handle that situation?

2)how would you handle (at least for now) the occasional "hey you" / "how are you" texts?

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Simon Phoenix
so even when she texts me to say "hey you" ever week or two, just ignore it? i really dont want to be friend-zoned and becoming friends with exes is so stupid in my opinion. it gives them a way to cope with the guilt by offering yo friendship and it gives you false hope of staying in her life because you want to get back with her. my biggest fear is that i'll do NC and shell try to reach out to me as a friend and keep saying i want you in my life but i just cant handle a relationship with you right now for whatever reason.

 

so..

 

1) how would you handle that situation?

2)how would you handle (at least for now) the occasional "hey you" / "how are you" texts?

 

Why the hell would you respond to those messages? ignore, ignore, ignore.

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