After what he said, did we already break up?

[purplexxx]

My fiancé and I had a very stupid fight which ended up in him telling me the following: “This relationship is already so sh*t. I don’t think we should stay in touch anymore. I’m going to shut off my phone and just remember that you’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. You ruined me. Congratulations for the life you’ve chosen for yourself, you selfish person.” I stayed silent and didn’t say anything at all. Which infuriated him even more to which he said “of course, you’re gonna stay quiet as usual. Shows how much you care! Go ahead and break off this stupid engagement!” And then he hung up the phone. It’s been two days since the fight and he hasn’t contacted me since. I called him last night in hopes of determining whether we’re actually over or not? But he didn’t pick up.

 

Do I assume we’ve broken up?

[DexterLS]

My fiancé and I had a very stupid fight which ended up in him telling me the following: “This relationship is already so sh*t. I don’t think we should stay in touch anymore. I’m going to shut off my phone and just remember that you’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. You ruined me. Congratulations for the life you’ve chosen for yourself, you selfish person.” I stayed silent and didn’t say anything at all. Which infuriated him even more to which he said “of course, you’re gonna stay quiet as usual. Shows how much you care! Go ahead and break off this stupid engagement!” And then he hung up the phone. It’s been two days since the fight and he hasn’t contacted me since. I called him last night in hopes of determining whether we’re actually over or not? But he didn’t pick up.

 

Do I assume we’ve broken up?

 

It's hard to say. In the heat of the moment, he might have said those stuff. I still believe you should clear this out with him as soon as you get a chance to.

[purplexxx]

It's hard to say. In the heat of the moment, he might have said those stuff. I still believe you should clear this out with him as soon as you get a chance to.

 

I don't know because this isn't the first time he's said all this to me.

 

 

In our previous 2-3 fights, he's done the same thing - and I usually start begging him back. But this time.. I feel like if I initiate contact, it'll make it seem like it's acceptable for him to constantly say all this stuff to me?

[Redhead14]

My fiancé and I had a very stupid fight which ended up in him telling me the following: “This relationship is already so sh*t. I don’t think we should stay in touch anymore. I’m going to shut off my phone and just remember that you’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. You ruined me. Congratulations for the life you’ve chosen for yourself, you selfish person.” I stayed silent and didn’t say anything at all. Which infuriated him even more to which he said “of course, you’re gonna stay quiet as usual. Shows how much you care! Go ahead and break off this stupid engagement!” And then he hung up the phone. It’s been two days since the fight and he hasn’t contacted me since. I called him last night in hopes of determining whether we’re actually over or not? But he didn’t pick up.

 

Do I assume we’ve broken up?

 

I'd make that assumption for now and treat it as such. Do not reach out to him again. Let him come to you if he's going to. There is a ton of stress involved in being engaged and planning a wedding, etc. That usually causes conflict but if the relationship is strong enough, it should survive.

 

How have things been between you up to this point? And, what started the argument? Did you threaten to break off the engagement at any point during the argument or in the past? What else is going on in your lives? Any other significant outside stressors?

 

Give him a ton of space. If you don't hear from him first in say a week or so, you can reach out to him in a light supportive way. Don't mention the argument.

[Redhead14]

I don't know because this isn't the first time he's said all this to me.

 

 

In our previous 2-3 fights, he's done the same thing - and I usually start begging him back. But this time.. I feel like if I initiate contact, it'll make it seem like it's acceptable for him to constantly say all this stuff to me?

 

Oh, he's done this before and you ran after him? This kind of response to a conflict is passive-aggressive behavior. This time, do what I've said above. Don't run after him, let him come to you if he's going to. If he doesn't, you move on with your life and in the meantime be busy with other things. Handling conflict in this manner is not healthy for a relationship and will be a stumbling block for the future. If you want to stay together, he needs to know that you will not accept this behavior moving forward and that it is a dealbreaker. Show him you mean business.

 

Good conflict resolution skills are needed for a happy, healthy relationships. Running away from conflict serves no purpose. It's ok to take a step back when things get heated but a day or so only. After that, it wells up and becomes unmanageable. This is something you two will have to work on as a couple.

[purplexxx]

I'd make that assumption for now and treat it as such. Do not reach out to him again. Let him come to you if he's going to. There is a ton of stress involved in being engaged and planning a wedding, etc. That usually causes conflict but if the relationship is strong enough, it should survive.

 

How have things been between you up to this point? And, what started the argument? Did you threaten to break off the engagement at any point during the argument or in the past? What else is going on in your lives? Any other significant outside stressors?

 

Give him a ton of space. If you don't hear from him first in say a week or so, you can reach out to him in a light supportive way. Don't mention the argument.

 

For the most part our relationship has been very, very rocky. In the past (prior to our engagement) I did threaten to leave several times - all due to his over-friendly relationship with his ex. Though we managed to overcome that, every little fight since then has triggered him to behave this way - him always angrily saying he's done with this, putting me down with rude comments, immediately deleting me off social media and me getting scared and stopping it from happening.

 

This time, however, I decided not to react - so that he didn't think it was okay for him to do this all the time. Our fights just keep getting more and more intense.

 

 

I know he's probably waiting for me to bombard him with I'm sorry texts/calls...because he always wants that sort of attention. But I'm not sure what the right course of action is for now.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'd urge you to take this time and really ask why you'd even want to be in a relationship like this. Frankly, it sounds miserable, and you two have established very unhealthy methods of conflict resolution (although I hesitate to call it that, nothing seems to be getting really resolved). Be honest with yourself, and don't just say "Because I love him". Really look at the history you've described here and decide if living with that sort of behavior is worth it. What does he do that's beneficial to your happiness?

 

If this were me, I'd consider it a break-up, to answer your question. He said it was, and he hasn't contacted you. Looks like one to me.

Edited May 29, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[minime13]

My fiancé and I had a very stupid fight which ended up in him telling me the following: “This relationship is already so sh*t. I don’t think we should stay in touch anymore. I’m going to shut off my phone and just remember that you’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. You ruined me. Congratulations for the life you’ve chosen for yourself, you selfish person.” I stayed silent and didn’t say anything at all. Which infuriated him even more to which he said “of course, you’re gonna stay quiet as usual. Shows how much you care! Go ahead and break off this stupid engagement!” And then he hung up the phone. It’s been two days since the fight and he hasn’t contacted me since. I called him last night in hopes of determining whether we’re actually over or not? But he didn’t pick up.

 

Do I assume we’ve broken up?

 

A good litmus test would be to mail the ring back and see how he reacts.

 

Seriously, though, he's said all of those things to you before - more than once - and you beg to get him back? What could you have possibly done to deserve that kind of treatment?

 

I'd say cut this one loose. Just think about how your future will be.

[purplexxx]

A good litmus test would be to mail the ring back and see how he reacts.

 

Seriously, though, he's said all of those things to you before - more than once - and you beg to get him back? What could you have possibly done to deserve that kind of treatment?

 

I'd say cut this one loose. Just think about how your future will be.

 

I don't know. His problem with me is that I'm too quiet sometimes, I don't give him attention 24/7, I don't love him enough, I neglect him when I am upset, and apparently I'm too sensitive to his comments when he's mad, oh and... I cry a lot (for no reason according to him). I'm not sure why I deserve that treatment either...I havn't cheated or done anything of that sort. But I'm sitting here feeling like it's all my fault.

[minime13]

I don't know. His problem with me is that I'm too quiet sometimes, I don't give him attention 24/7, I don't love him enough, I neglect him when I am upset, and apparently I'm too sensitive to his comments when he's mad, oh and... I cry a lot (for no reason according to him). I'm not sure why I deserve that treatment either...I havn't cheated or done anything of that sort. But I'm sitting here feeling like it's all my fault.

 

Because he's brow-beaten you into submission. He has trained you to always feel like it's your fault.

 

I don't think this will be a happy future for you.

[purplexxx]

I'd urge you to take this time and really ask why you'd even want to be in a relationship like this. Frankly, it sounds miserable, and you two have established very unhealthy methods of conflict resolution (although I hesitate to call it that, nothing seems to be getting really resolved). Be honest with yourself, and don't just say "Because I love him". Really look at the history you've described here and decide if living with that sort of behavior is worth it. What does he do that's beneficial to your happiness?

 

If this were me, I'd consider it a break-up, to answer your question. He said it was, and he hasn't contacted you. Looks like one to me.

 

 

It's really hard for me to make decisions because I have no confidence in my own decisions. Even with simple things as to what to buy when I'm shopping I call my mom (and I'm 24 years old). I've been in an abusive relationship before for about 3 years, and even letting go of that was hard for me because I always felt everything was my fault. And even after that relationship ended I still felt that maybe if I was a little different (perhaps not so sensitive?) then maybe that relationship wouldn't have turned into an abusive one?

 

 

I know a few days later I'm going to feel like I could have prevented the breakup by being less sensitive to his last words to me and then I'll have to live with feeling crappy about that. ugh.

[Ruby65]

I don't think I'd mail back the ring -- that seems like an overly-dramatic gesture to me.

 

I'd give it a bit more time and see if he calms down and contacts you in another week or so.

 

If he does -- and you're both interested in reconciling -- I'd recommend getting some counselling to help you learn to resolve conflicts better between you.

 

But personally I wouldn't consider this a breakup of an engagement -- I'd consider it a nasty fight that could lead to a breakup.

 

I'm wondering if this is about him not being ready to commit? It sounds like things got worse between you when you pushed him to cut ties with an ex, there could be some resentment there about losing his freedom. To me, it sounds like he's looking for an excuse to call off the engagement?

 

How old are you guys? How long have you been together? Marriage is a serious commitment and I'm wondering if you're both at a point where you want to take that on?