Girlfriend "Doesn't know what she wants"

[secondNature]

Trust me, I know the translation of this statement.

Here are some popular ones:

1. I know what I want and it isnt you

2. I am seeing if things will work with someone else prior to breaking up with you.

3. I am seeing someone else and don't have the balls to tell you.

4. More along the same lines . . .

 

So some background on the situation, I do this for normally I would just break if off with her and tell her to fiqure it out and go on about my life.

 

Facts:

I am 42 recently divorced with 2 kids.

She is 28 not so recently single, living with her sister and brother in-law.

 

I met this girl during my seperation from my marriage of 13 years that ended up with me discovering my wifes online infidelity and drug usage, lies upon lies and then she became physically abusive.

 

This girl was coming off a 2.5 year realtionship where she had moved out of her hometown to get away from the relationship and all it was doing to her. The guy cheated, she took him back and then her continued and she spied on him as he was doing all of it.

 

We met, hit it off and were living in the same place for almost 6 months together and got to know eachother very well prior to anything happening.

 

She was very reluctant to have any kind of relationship of any kind from the start. She wanted to find herself and wanted no commitments. She was ok for us to have an "open relationship" but we ended up spending all our time together.

 

When the idea of that came about I shared how I felt about it - "If you want to be with someone else, then you can do that - you just cant be with me" She agreed she felt the same way about me. And we have been together 3-4 days /nights a week for about a year.

 

I have been renting a house for about a year, she stays here on her days off and we do all kinds of things, travel, shopping, dinners, movies all the normal stuff. We get along really well, communicate and have a lot of fun together.

 

I have loved her for quite some time and told her so for about 6 months now. She says that she cant say that - for her it means so much more - she gives "all of herself when she is in love". I have just waited it out and not stressed it too much, since I think what she did in past relationships may have been too much.

 

I am looking for some kind of understanding of what this all could mean for her. I have been 28, and I know what it must be like dating someone with kids and the idea of that. And not knowing what you want with your life, etc.

 

I dont want to break things off and she doesnt want to either, she wants to keep things as they are and see what comes of it. I dont want to wait for her to decide she doesnt want to be with me and have wasted the time.

 

Our discussions end with the idea that she doesnt really know what she wants from her life, career, etc. so she doesnt want to think about something more serious with me even thought things are pretty serious now and she is happy and seems to be.

 

Thoughts?

[Jimmyjackson]

I have loved her for quite some time and told her so for about 6 months now. She says that she cant say that - for her it means so much more - she gives "all of herself when she is in love". I have just waited it out and not stressed it too much, since I think what she did in past relationships may have been too much.

 

Perhaps you displayed your feelings too early? Since she knows you like her more than she likes you she may have got bored.

 

Power lies in the hands of the person who cares least about the relationship.

[minime13]

"She was very reluctant to have any kind of relationship of any kind from the start. She wanted to find herself and wanted no commitments. She was ok for us to have an "open relationship" but we ended up spending all our time together.

 

When the idea of that came about I shared how I felt about it - "If you want to be with someone else, then you can do that - you just cant be with me" She agreed she felt the same way about me. And we have been together 3-4 days /nights a week for about a year."

 

She never wanted anything serious from the start. She's comfortable, but she doesn't see this as her future. Things may be serious for you, but I don't think she's on the same page. You know the talk you need to have, but I don't think you want to do it. So, you are going to have to make the choice of having that talk, or sticking with it with the understanding that you're likely committing to wasting your time.

[Chi townD]

Dude, there's a big age gap between the two of you. That's a difference. But, what also s a difference is that you're falling in love with her and she looks at you as "friends with Benefits".

 

 

I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt.

[coryreply]

It sounds like she could have gotten scared. Things were moving in a definite direction, strong feelings were developing, etc..

 

Girls will hit the brakes in a really good relationship, especially when there's deep emotional pain and hurt involved from their past. You have to make the decision to love her through the walls she puts up or walk away.

[mightycpa]

I dont want to break things off and she doesnt want to either, she wants to keep things as they are and see what comes of it. I dont want to wait for her to decide she doesnt want to be with me and have wasted the time.

Thoughts?

 

Tell her that you'll still see her, but you're going to date other people too, and you're not going out with her again until you've got two other regulars.

 

That's really the only way I can imagine that you can continue to see her and guarantee that you won't waste your time. Keep your pipeline filled with new ones, and rotate the worst of the three out. It's really not a bad dating strategy, no matter what you feel for somebody - especially at your age.

[hunk]

This definitely isn't what you want. She's not taking it seriously and will almost definitely bail once a more attractive option is available. Women don't behave like this when they are with someone they truly see a future with and want to be with - they make it pretty damn obvious you're who they want. You're just being strung along, there's no reason she wouldn't commit totally if she was truly into the relationship, and since she isn't totally committing or giving you the clarity you need, it is only logical that she isn't truly into the relationship and is just using it to fill time/because it's comfortable and familiar. You need to put your foot down and walk, you are too old for this crap.

[fireflywy]

I hate to say this, but having just come from a similar experience, you're going to have to "Next" her.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants now, and she came into the relationship actually STATING she didn't want serious, then your chances of ever getting to serious are very slim to none especially given her age. You are esentially just Mr. Right now and Mr. Comfort.

 

Sorry man. You're going to have to let this one go.