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How to get over the one who wasn't right?


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fldoglover

Hello There,

 

 

First of all, I am sorry that this is a longer post and I thank you in advance for reading it and for your advice.

 

 

I had gone on a few dates with a gorgeous guy, Boy A, I had known from college that I always had a crush on. Long story short, his best friend, Boy B, was not the cutest, but he started to pursue me when Boy A and I realized we weren’t really right for each other. In the beginning, I was not attracted to him but he pursued me and pulled out all the stops. A month later, I was hooked. We got along great, everything in common and the same sarcastic, whitty and quick personalities. It was great and I thought I had finally found my next boyfriend.

 

 

New Year’s Eve rolls around and while we had made separate plans with our respective friends before we met, we agreed that we’d meet up when the night was over. This is where things went south. He never showed up, never answered my texts or calls and I ended up walking 4 miles home alone because it was impossible to get a cab. I didn’t hear from him until the next day and it was “I am so hungover”. No apology and he wouldn’t even talk to me. He said “he was too hungover to get yelled at”. Then ignored me for 4 days.

 

 

He then out of the blue text me and said he was an ass. No apology though and I tried to forgive him the best I could and move on. Things were good, but I was still weary and maybe overbearing. I’d get a little frustrated when Friday rolled around and I had to set up plans and be the first to text. He’d always agree though. However, it always erked me that even though he worked from home, he’d take hours to answer my texts.

 

 

A few weeks later, we set up a date for a Thursday night and when the time he was supposed to be there, he never showed up. No text, no call, he wouldn’t answer me. I thought something awful happened. He stood me up and then didn’t talk to me for over a week. I was completely crushed.

 

 

Then again, he text me. Never with an apology though and I took him back again. From there it was a mix of great days, mixed with bad. Like he would cancel dates last minute, never complimented me, showed up late and I would sit there and worry if he was going to stand me up again. Even on St. Patrick’s Day, we had made tentative plans and he just didn’t talk to me all day.

 

 

I know at this point, I sound like an idiot, but he always calmed my fears. He would always say we were exclusively dating, his friends said we were dating and he said he was happy with me.

 

 

After 5 months, he got a new job that required him to travel and would possibly make him move a few hours away. I became very defensive because I was scared of losing him and mostly because deep down, I knew I didn’t trust him enough to do long distance. We got into a fight one night because my friend asked if we were girlfriend/boyfriend and he said no. He said he didn’t want that step because he didn’t want to make professional decisions based on a girlfriend like he had done in the past. He also told me that based on past experiences, long distance relationships don’t work and he didn’t think we would either. I couldn’t stop fighting with him about it the next day and so he hung up, didn’t talk to me for 2 days and then broke up with me via text.

 

 

Later that week, he said he missed me and wanted to work it out. I again, forgave him and we were “good”. He did however go back to his old ways when he traveled for work. He ignored texts, calls, wouldn’t come home when he was supposed to, etc. I became paranoid that he was cheating on me. While I never looked through his phone, emails, etc. I did ask him about it quite a bit just for reassurance. I had a gut feeling. Three weeks ago, he took me on a date to make up for ditching me to stay at the beach a day longer with his buddy. He sat there and told me that I had nothing to worry about, that he was happy and that he would never cheat on me. I was finally at ease and excited to be with him.

 

 

The next night, a close friend called and asked me to confirm his last name and phone number. Her friend had contacted her and said that my “significant other” was on a dating app, messaged her, got her number and had been texting her for the past week. He even set up a date with her after he left my house that morning. I was absolutely devastated. I called him about it and he did what he always did, ran from it. Said he was never planning on going through with the date and that it was just an “ego boost”. He then said he had nothing else to talk about and hung up. A few days later we talked and he basically said that I was no longer the fun, easy girl that he had met in the beginning. That we had gone from having sex all the time, to arguing all the time and that he didn’t want a relationship.

 

 

Instead of being mad, I have been blaming myself. I even hung out with him a few days ago and tried so hard to be “cool and fun”, but I ended up crying when I saw him because I missed him so much and wanted to fix things. I finally had him in front of me and instead of being carefree, I asked him a million questions about what happened. He was caring and apologized, but kept making it clear that he’s just not ready for a relationship. We ended up having sex and talking about old times. He said he missed me, cares about me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else but me, we just want different things.

 

 

I am heart broken. Instead of thinking of the reasons why we shouldn’t be together, I think of all the great times we had together. After 8 months, he still gave me butterflies and I still bent over backwards to do my makeup, hair and look great for dates. But he never put in the effort and I know I was addicted to the chase. But I also know that I was unhappy, anxious and jealous of my friends’ healthy relationships. I wanted him to at some point finally tell me I was good enough, that he appreciated me and that he wanted to be with me. I basically thought he hung the moon, when in reality, he put in about 3% of the effort. I am terrified I won’t find someone that I am as attracted to and that gives me those same butterflies. But I know I need someone who will treat me like a priority.

 

 

My friends even say he treated me like crap for as much effort as I put in. He cancelled last minute, ditched me for his friends, never made plans and never wanted to commit. Yet somehow he kept me strung along just waiting for that phone call, that date, etc. I was so happy when I was with him, but became miserable the second he walked out the door because I always wondered if that would be the last time I saw him.

 

 

My biggest problem is that I want to fix the mistakes I made. I think about him about 95% of the time. I keep blaming myself and I am scared he’ll go find some other girl who doesn’t nag or get upset. Any advice or even some assurance that I wasn’t wrong for being nervous with his behavior? Was this my fault? I know I am wrong, but I still want to fix things.

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TaraMaiden2

Sorry, I agree with kasop.

 

Do you know the phrase "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"....?

 

I think this behaviour with him may not be the primary issue you need to look at.

What you need to examine is why you would return time and again to the car-crash this was?

What in you triggered this desire to continue to be treated in this awful way?

Why did you suppose you deserved to be treated so badly?

 

I think you need to address your own self-esteem and worth, because it seems you are seriously undervaluing who you are.

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The mistake you made was allowing a precedent to be set from the beginning that he could walk all over you at will.

 

When you first start dating a guy, and he bails on every date you make, stop talking to him. Move on.

 

Have some self confidence, and don't let someone be that disrespectful to you. Once they see that precedent set to where they don't have to respect you, they never will.

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fldoglover

You are all very correct. And I knew this during the relationship. I tried to stay away from him and set boundaries. But at the same time, he made me feel as though I was overreacting, so then I almost felt like I was being too harsh.

 

I stayed with him because I had never felt like this with any other guy. I loved him and was the happiest I had ever been when we were together. I guess that is what happens when the lows are so low though.

 

Because of his blame shifting, I just can't help but to think that if I would have kept my cool, maybe he would have changed and been better.

 

This behavior is unusual because in every other relationship, I have a ton of self confidence and don't put up with anything. He sent me for a loop and I just don't know how to get back to the way I was before him. It's really frustrating and depressing.

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Just move on, distance yourself, and don't contact him or respond to his contacting you. Get on with your life and then look back on it with a fresh set of eyes. You'll be able to see, more clearly, the mistakes that were made and hopefully learn from it.

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stillafool

He treats you the way he does because he knows he can get away with it. I don't care what he tells you he doesn't love you. When he falls hard for a girl it will be one who doesn't take his crap and steps all over him. This is the only thing guys like him respect.

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Check out "Baggage Reclaim", a great blog, and read what she has to say about emotionally unavailable men. It sounds like your ex is one, and she'll help you work through what happened and why you shouldn't beat yourself up for what happened.

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stillafool
The next night, a close friend called and asked me to confirm his last name and

phone number. Her friend had contacted her and said that my “significant other”

was on a dating app, messaged her, got her number and had been texting her for

the past week. He even set up a date with her after he left my house that

morning. I was absolutely devastated. I called him about it and he did what he

always did, ran from it. Said he was never planning on going through with the

date and that it was just an “ego boost”. He then said he had nothing else to

talk about and hung up. A few days later we talked and he basically said that I

was no longer the fun, easy girl that he had met in the beginning. That we had

gone from having sex all the time, to arguing all the time and that he didn’t

want a relationship.

 

Did you call him or did he call you?

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fldoglover

Stillafool, the first day after I found out about his cheating, I texted him because we had to sort out canceling plans we had for a wedding that weekend.

 

After that, he had text me here and there. Like telling me he still would have gone to the wedding with me. Then we went a few days without talking and then last Monday he asked if I wanted to go get drinks. I turned him down because I said wasn't going to be a booty call.

 

He then started more constant contact on Memorial Day weekend because I was out of town. And when I would ignore him, he'd ask if I was out with someone else. He also has been asking about a guy he knew I had gone on a few dates with when we were broken up before. He left for work on Tuesday and said he had missed me and wanted to see me when he gets home on Saturday, but it's pretty much been radio silence since he's been gone.

 

To be honest, him not being in the same town as me has been a relief. For a few days, I've had no worries about running into him. I pray he gets transferred to a different city because for some reason, I feel like that will be my only closure.

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To be honest, him not being in the same town as me has been a relief. For a few days, I've had no worries about running into him. I pray he gets transferred to a different city because for some reason, I feel like that will be my only closure.

 

You are the poster child for why NC is necessary. You need to take control of your life and not allow this guy to keep coming in and half-a*s a relationship with you on HIS terms. Your only closure will come when you realize that YOU are responsible for making sure he's not able to mess with you and cause you hurt like he is. He's not going to watch out for your emotions and your best interest, he's proven this time and time again. The only way to stop it is to completely eliminate all means for it to occur.

 

What, really, are you getting out of his communication?

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