All of sudden, he told me he felt pressured

[feelingtorn]

I met a man online a little more than a month ago. When we first met, we learned that we shared similar past - childhood, marriage, divorce, and on-and-off relationship with ex with borderline personality. We could relate to each other and had a great conversation, but I felt little to no physical connection. So, I told him I was not interested.

 

He asked me if I liked our conversation and very politely how he could have done anything differently. His attitude was the opposite of my ex who was never willing to do anything for our relationship. So, I gave him another try. Another great date with great conversation. He was a perfect gentleman and a great listener. I started finding him attractive and figured my initial reaction had to do with being still mentally and physically attracted to my ex.

 

We started seeing each other a lot. We were both busy with work, but spent most of the weekends together, plus Thursday and Friday often. He texted all throughout the day. He was always sweet and said the right thing. I always dated my opposite in the past, but it was amazing to date someone who was very similar to me. Another virgo. I loved his attentiveness, gentle personality, sweetness, and CLEAN house. I really started believing in love again and fell really hard for him.

 

We started talking about taking trips outside America -- we are both expats although I am now American and he just earned his green card. He even took a test after the third week and we went exclusive. He was so nice about it too and made an appt with a doctor right away. He also bought me an expensive electric toothbrush because he realized mine was broken.

 

I felt lucky and could not believe I met such an amazing person, my soulmate online. Last Sat, I had to come home to hang out with my friends. After we said a good bye, he went to a grocery shopping. He ran into his ex gf. They broke up two months before we met. He periodically brought up how awful his ex was and how nice I was in comparison to her. The next day, he said he did not feel too good after running into his ex. He was SICK for two weeks. The first week, I think he was really sick, but afterwards, I think it had to do with his depression. He was unmotivated and had low energy. If it had to do with his low energy, I would have been totally fine with him staying home and us doing separate things, but he said he felt guilty about not doing much due to his energy and ruining my day.

 

Apparently, this was one of the big issues with his ex. Giving him always a guilt trip. So, I told him I was fine just hanging out and making him dinner. That I just wanted to see him. He said he missed me too, but felt too bad to hang out. None of this made sense to me. I was not his ex, yet he was projecting his past relationship to ours. So, I told her our text was getting a bit unhealthy and made me uncomfortable. Honestly, it felt manipulative and reminded me of my ex - HOT AND COLD.

 

We usually exchanged texts all day, but we did not communicate on that day. The next day, I contacted him to see how he was feeling. We started talking about his ex and reaction afterwards. He said he felt OBLIGATION and PRESSURED to see me. I asked him if he still wanted to see me. And he replied that he WAS NOT SURE.

 

I felt like he was breaking up with me via text, so I called. We spoke and he said he felt EMBARRASSED and sad. I told him not to feel that way. I felt sad for him because I was single after a very difficult breakup and knew how he was feeling. It was clear he was no longer interested in seeing me. I could not believe it.

 

I went over to his house "to pick up my stuff". He had a bag of my stuff when I rang the door and closed the door. Again, I could not believe it. After more than a month of CONSTANT sweetness....so I rang the bell again and went inside.

 

His ex wife cheated on him and got preggy. After that exp, he came to America and met his ex gf who was also apparently horrible to him. He is seeing a counselor once a week. He cried and said he FELT pressured. He said he felt very loved by me, but did not want to get into another relationship to please someone and to make the other person happy. Because eventually I would be unhappy if he was not feeling it. He said he was not sure if he could ever be in a relationship.

 

That was last Monday. I saw him again on the same online dating site. With new photos and update to his description. I could not believe it. How should I process this situation? If anything, I always felt he liked me more. He was all over me. Why sudden change? Please share your thought and help me understand this situation better. Did we move too fast?

[PegNosePete]

You only met him a month ago???

 

Yes, you did all that wayyy too fast. He shouldn't have a bag of your stuff at his house, a month after meeting you! Sorry to say, you simply didn't take the time to get to know him properly. And he decided that you were not Ms. Right for him.

[feelingtorn]

Yeah you are right. I have learned my lesson. I was single for a year intentionally. I did a lot of self-reflection and really thought I figured out what I wanted in my next relationship. When I thought I met the right guy, I felt really hard for him. And, he was all over me as well. I am an intuitive person. I would have paced myself if he did not reciprocate.

[kasop]

Big red flag when someone starts talking about there ex and they get emotional like that. I feel like you where somewhat of a rebound. Its what an insure person will do after being dumped or cheated on. Also for only knowing each other for a month yal moved way to fast. Ive been in this type of situation before and they are ugly. Apply nc and move on as fast as possible. He has alot of issues to work out and you cant help.

[feelingtorn]

Big red flag when someone starts talking about there ex and they get emotional like that. I feel like you where somewhat of a rebound. Its what an insure person will do after being dumped or cheated on. Also for only knowing each other for a month yal moved way to fast. Ive been in this type of situation before and they are ugly. Apply nc and move on as fast as possible. He has alot of issues to work out and you cant help.

 

I am feeling better. I still find it confusing: how could one suddenly change their attitude over night? But, thinking back, I was in the same shoes for a couple of occasions. The dumper side. So, I guess he just went along for the ride and when he realized it was getting over head, he suddenly backed out. It makes sense. It is just hard when you are the dumpee.

[kasop]

I am feeling better. I still find it confusing: how could one suddenly change their attitude over night? But, thinking back, I was in the same shoes for a couple of occasions. The dumper side. So, I guess he just went along for the ride and when he realized it was getting over head, he suddenly backed out. It makes sense. It is just hard when you are the dumpee.

 

9 out 10 times they have been thinking about it and are really good at hiding it. Too afraid to bring it up until they are % 100 sure and they leave u in the dust without a clue. Alot of it has to do with insecurity. Best thing is to not ask yourself questions that envolve your ex. This only makes u think more of him and slows down the process of moving on. Yes being the dumpee is hard. But moving on is worth it.

[mapofyourhead]

feelingtorn,

 

You mentioned his depression. I'm assuming you meant he has clinical depression. If not, then I would go by the advice that the other people have already given. If he does, then a lot of how he acted is fairly consistent with someone depressed. I'm not saying this is the only reason, but some of the things you said jumped out at me as being fairly typical of depression:

 

I think it had to do with his depression. He was unmotivated and had low energy. If it had to do with his low energy, I would have been totally fine with him staying home and us doing separate things, but he said he felt guilty about not doing much due to his energy and ruining my day.

 

He said he felt OBLIGATION and PRESSURED to see me. I asked him if he still wanted to see me. And he replied that he WAS NOT SURE.

 

Depressed partners often feel guilty for not doing what they know is expected of them. Even if you tell him you are ok with doing things separately, unfortunately he will still feel pressured or drained by your presence, because you are his girlfriend and naturally there are expectations that you have that others, such as friends, do not. So by being there, he simultaneously feels guilty and pressured. I know it doesn't make much sense but this is how they view things.

 

He said he missed me too, but felt too bad to hang out. None of this made sense to me.

 

People with depression simply do not have energy for many normal, everyday activities and it is a struggle for them.

 

He said he was not sure if he could ever be in a relationship.

 

I still find it confusing: how could one suddenly change their attitude over night?

 

Many actually DO change very suddenly, and it is not only hurtful, but bewildering. Understanding depression and how it affects people and their relationships will help a lot in understanding what happened. Try looking up depression fallout -- there is an associated forum with a lot of good advice that may help you.

 

I'm sorry you went through this. My ex and I broke up due to his depression, but it wasn't until a few months later that we even realized he had depression, and it has been a long, bumpy road.

[feelingtorn]

feelingtorn,

 

You mentioned his depression. I'm assuming you meant he has clinical depression. If not, then I would go by the advice that the other people have already given. If he does, then a lot of how he acted is fairly consistent with someone depressed. I'm not saying this is the only reason, but some of the things you said jumped out at me as being fairly typical of depression:

 

I think it had to do with his depression. He was unmotivated and had low energy. If it had to do with his low energy, I would have been totally fine with him staying home and us doing separate things, but he said he felt guilty about not doing much due to his energy and ruining my day.

 

He said he felt OBLIGATION and PRESSURED to see me. I asked him if he still wanted to see me. And he replied that he WAS NOT SURE.

 

Depressed partners often feel guilty for not doing what they know is expected of them. Even if you tell him you are ok with doing things separately, unfortunately he will still feel pressured or drained by your presence, because you are his girlfriend and naturally there are expectations that you have that others, such as friends, do not. So by being there, he

simultaneously feels guilty and pressured. I know it doesn't make much sense but this is how they view things.

 

He said he missed me too, but felt too bad to hang out. None of this made sense to me.

 

People with depression simply do not have energy for many normal, everyday activities and it is a struggle for them.

 

He said he was not sure if he could ever be in a relationship.

 

I still find it confusing: how could one suddenly change their attitude over night?

 

Many actually DO change very suddenly, and it is not only hurtful, but bewildering. Understanding depression and how it affects people and their relationships will help a lot in understanding what happened. Try looking up depression fallout -- there is an associated forum with a lot of good advice that may help you.

 

I'm sorry you went through this. My ex and I broke up due to his depression, but it wasn't until a few months later that we even realized he had depression, and it has been a long, bumpy road.

 

THANK YOU AND THANK YOU MORE. I read everything, and it has helped me out so much. It makes so much sense. I wish I gave him space and time when he said he felt pressured instead of demanding explanation. I feel terrible. I miss him so much.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

I was in a similar boat with this. I had met my ex online as well, and from the first time where I SPOKE of dating I spent all of my time at her place. 4 months later we ended up getting a place together and the whole I would never leave you for anything came across, she broke up with me 3 weeks ago.

As with the depression I completely agree as I at one point was depressed before this relationship, only that I sought the love and attention very fast. 2 months into our relationship I said I loved her and she echoed. It truly does suck to learn these things but its good for our future partner whom hopefully will be the one.

It does sound like he was extremely caring but once he overstepped and saw the commitment ahead of him, it shook him. It happens.

I do wish you the very best!

-F

[mapofyourhead]

THANK YOU AND THANK YOU MORE. I read everything, and it has helped me out so much. It makes so much sense. I wish I gave him space and time when he said he felt pressured instead of demanding explanation. I feel terrible. I miss him so much.

 

You're very welcome! I know it doesn't help with the sadness, but I hope that it helps that other people have been in the same shoes, and that even if there isn't much you can do in this situation, there are reasons for his thoughts and behavior.

[feelingtorn]

You're very welcome! I know it doesn't help with the sadness, but I hope that it helps that other people have been in the same shoes, and that even if there isn't much you can do in this situation, there are reasons for his thoughts and behavior.

 

I heard NC did not work with depressed people. I have done some reading since I read your first reply. I have read they like to be reminded they are in my thought time to time. Is this true?

 

I did text him few days after we broke up.

 

"I wanted to write you before the last weekend becomes another distant memory. I am writing not because I want you or because I cannot have you. It has nothing to do with me. I genuinely care about you and just hope you are feeling better.

 

And, I am terribly sorry we failed to pace ourselves and take our time to get to know each other. It is one lesson I learned from our short-lived courtship. Take good care of yourself and feel better soon. You are the creator of your own world and you deserve a beautiful one full of happiness and joy."

 

He sent me a text back...but very simple ones like "Awww thank you" and "big big hug."

 

I just sent him another text, "Hey, I hope you had a good weekend. Thinking of you. I know you are going through a rough time. Just wanted to let you know I am here to listen should you ever want to reach other. Please don't feel bad about not getting better or not performing up to anybody's standards. You are doing fine. You are just sad right now. Hugs."

[kasop]

I heard NC did not work with depressed people. I have done some reading since I read your first reply. I have read they like to be reminded they are in my thought time to time. Is this true?

 

I did text him few days after we broke up.

 

"I wanted to write you before the last weekend becomes another distant memory. I am writing not because I want you or because I cannot have you. It has nothing to do with me. I genuinely care about you and just hope you are feeling better.

 

And, I am terribly sorry we failed to pace ourselves and take our time to get to know each other. It is one lesson I learned from our short-lived courtship. Take good care of yourself and feel better soon. You are the creator of your own world and you deserve a beautiful one full of happiness and joy."

 

He sent me a text back...but very simple ones like "Awww thank you" and "big big hug."

 

I just sent him another text, "Hey, I hope you had a good weekend. Thinking of you. I know you are going through a rough time. Just wanted to let you know I am here to listen should you ever want to reach other. Please don't feel bad about not getting better or not performing up to anybody's standards. You are doing fine. You are just sad right now. Hugs."

 

Idk where you read this but i tried the same approach. My ex had alot of the same problems. The last 2 tomes ive contacted her i tried giving her motivational advice. Despite what she did to me i said some of the most uplifting things to her. Both her responces where "quit telling me what to do". It hurt bad so i dont recommend it.

[feelingtorn]

Idk where you read this but i tried the same approach. My ex had alot of the same problems. The last 2 tomes ive contacted her i tried giving her motivational advice. Despite what she did to me i said some of the most uplifting things to her. Both her responces where "quit telling me what to do". It hurt bad so i dont recommend it.

 

I read it on depressionfallout.com. Some message board like ours here. So far, my ex has been responding to my text right away. Typically, saying "thank you for kind words", but nothing more. We usually exchange a few more texts about our day...but nothing about our breakup.