sad_bunny Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I've been my now ex-boyfriend for over one year. It was perfect, he loved me to bits, I never felt so secure in any other relationship I had. He was very open with me, we talked about everything. We traveled to many places and did a lot of things I always wanted to do. His father died of cancer 2 years ago, and he was living close to his mother. Their houses were very close, they shared the same garden. In December, before going on a trip for 3 weeks, he found out that it is possible that his mother has cancer. We had many fights on this trip, we were both stressed about his mothers condition. After we returned from the trip, in January the doctors confirmed it is a very aggressive form of cancer. He did everything he could do, searched for the best doctors, etc. His mother got worse every day and at the end of February she died. After her death we went on a trip for a week, he told me he needs it. He seemed ok, he did not seem like he was grieving, which was very strange because I knew how close they were. 3 weeks ago, I felt something is wrong. I couldn't tell what, but we all know that feeling. Then one evening he just came to my place to tell me he is not happy, we are different and he wants to break up. He needs space. He told me it's not just me. He feels a lot of pressure also because he needs to fix his mother's house (getting all the things out so that he can rent it), he has problems with his bussines that he has to fix. I couldn't believe what happened, some months ago that guy wanted to marry me and we were supposed to move in together in autumn...and now?!?! The next day I met him to pick up some of my things from his place (we are neighbors every day I go to work I pass in front of his house). He said that right now, he does not want a relationship. He also said that it is possible that in 5 months or 1 year he will regret his decision. He said he is sure we'll stay friends, because we have so many things in common.He said that whatever I would need something, he'll be there for me. The first days, I felt like I won't give up that easy on this relationship. Sent emails, etc. He responded to one email, saying that he wants me to get over those feelings towards him, to keep in mind he wants to be friends, and after that we both will see things more clearly. I tried to figure out what happened, and the only that came to mind is that he changed after his mothers death. And while I am feeling lonely and lost, can't eat (I went from 54 kgs to 40 in one week), can't sleep he keeps busy with work and friends and seems happy...(even if he told me that he's not doing great, and can't sleep well). Any inputs on this? Any advice would help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 It could have to do with his mother's passing.... or it could just be that after a year or so, he decided the relationship wasn't for him long-term. Lots of relationships seem to end after a year or a year and a half, that's a time when many people face the decision of either fully committing or walking away. Your best bet is to accept what he's said and take it at face value. Don't fall for the trap of staying "friends" with an ex -- that's a lose/lose situation for you. It keeps him from missing you... and it keeps you from healing. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Sometimes when someone close dies it makes u realise that u could lose anyone at anytime & that your own time could come at any point, this in turn can make u evaluate your life & things that u may not be happy with.. he may have thought that this relationship might not be worth spending anymore time on x He is dealing with a lot of emotions right now & the best thing u can do is give him space (as hard as that is) x Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 It's totally about the deaths of his parents. He feels lost & alone. His whole world view changed & he's grieving. You can't fix this. You can't be there for him if he doesn't want your support. You can't really be his friend because you want more but if you can tolerate being around him, do it. He may come through this faster than you think. I was wreck for years after my parents died. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Well, it's not unheard of with people pushing away other people that they are close to in their lives after a traumatic event. I mean, He had to grieve the loss of his father. Then, he had to deal with the pain of losing his mother. That hurts like hell. So, he may have put up a wall between the two of you because it may be feeling like that everyone that he loves leaves him and he doesn't want to go through that pain again. So, the build a wall around themselves and push everyone else away. He might have been thinking that he had to break up with you before you up and left him (and then he would have to go through the pain again). So, it like, Let me end it with you before you have a chance to do it to me. He needs to go see a grief counselor and learn how to truly mourn the loss of his parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 This happened to me. My ex lost a relative and went completely cold. I thought he was grieving, but I think it made him re evaluate our relationship. The thing was, there were no issues. If anything, I had a problem with his ridiculous controlling and possessive issues (so it's a blessing we broke up). It's hurtful because we feel not good enough. There's a lot more to my story, and I actually did the dumping because I was fed up of him doubting us so much. It could be that, but it could just be his way of dealing with things. Some people push others away especially when losing a parent. Try to respect his space and heal yourself, he will come round if he wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad_bunny Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 Thank you all for your input on this. I am trying to give him space, as he desired. When we spoke on the phone the last time, he seemed ok, but not fine. He was out with friends, he told me he's going out a lot and has a very busy schedule (this does not sound like grieving, sounds like running away from problems). I was the one calling, he never called since we broke up. Why did he say, that you wanna stay friends, you are there for me, you will help whenever I need help, and than you do not even call to see if I am still breathing.... I still have things at his place, and he still has things at my place. He told me that I can store my mountain gear at his place (he has more space to store it), but if I need other things I can go pick them up. I am going crazy trying to figure everything out. Mornings are the worst. The minutes when you are not at sleep but you are not awake either. This morning, I dreamed about him. He was crying and not well. First of all I would like to help him get trough whatever he's struggling. He's always been there for me and helped me soooo much!!!! I do not know what to do. I want him to be ok and I want me to be ok...is there a way out???? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Start living your life as though he's moved to another part of the world and you are unable to contact him. DO NOT call him or email him again. You'll look desperate and desperate isn't attractive. Focus on yourself. Start socialising with friends, take up a new interest or rekindle an old one. I know it hurts like hell, but bereavements make you evaluate everything in your life. Sorry for your pain, but please try and eat or you'll waste away. Look after yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad_bunny Posted June 2, 2015 Author Share Posted June 2, 2015 So, we broke NC after 7 days. I knew the day would come. He had to bring me some stuff. We had a friendly conversation, no screaming, no crying, no begging. What I found out is that he did not initiate contact the last 7 days because he still has feelings for me.....well for me and for another woman. He just told me he is single now, but he would like to be more than friends with that girl he knows from long time ago. But he has to wait because right now she is divorcing the father of her 1 year old child. They are kinda working together. He told me about starting to work with her some months ago, but I wouldn't have thought in 10000 years he would like to be with her. He repeated how much he wants us to be friends..... What is he thinking? How messed up is this? He proposed to me 2 month ago and now he wants another woman??? I am getting out of my mind. I mean my heart is not racing when I see him or anything, but my thoughts and all the questions are killing me. I need some advice! Please! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts