Stuggling when you are the better catch

[altaguy23]

I see many threads of people struggling through breakups, having difficulty getting over their ex and constantly comparing them to the new person they are seeing. I find myself doing the same. The problem for me is I know I am the better catch, I have literally everything awesome going for me in my life. I have the big house, amazing friends, great career, I'm tall, good looking, and actually modest (aside from this thread for illustration purposes lol). The worst part is I'm very good with girls to, and have upgraded to a much better gf who is hotter and treats me better. SO WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE EX it literally eats me apart, day in and day out. I dream of her every night, I think of her every day. Is it just the failure of it that bugs me or is it actually the girl. It's very frustrating. We have been broken up just over a year now and only dated for a year. I've had other relationships fall apart including a 6 year one, but none of them hit me as hard as this one

[fireflywy]

Ego? Pride? Always hard to tell.

[jen1447]

It's obviously not a function of looks alone.

[lollipopspot]

SO WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE EX

 

Only you can answer that.

 

Did she have some quality that you really like that you haven't found in someone else? Did being around her make you feel a certain way that you haven't been able to replicate?

[minime13]

I see many threads of people struggling through breakups, having difficulty getting over their ex and constantly comparing them to the new person they are seeing. I find myself doing the same. The problem for me is I know I am the better catch, I have literally everything awesome going for me in my life. I have the big house, amazing friends, great career, I'm tall, good looking, and actually modest (aside from this thread for illustration purposes lol). The worst part is I'm very good with girls to, and have upgraded to a much better gf who is hotter and treats me better. SO WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE EX it literally eats me apart, day in and day out. I dream of her every night, I think of her every day. Is it just the failure of it that bugs me or is it actually the girl. It's very frustrating. We have been broken up just over a year now and only dated for a year. I've had other relationships fall apart including a 6 year one, but none of them hit me as hard as this one

 

Looks and the way a person treats you means nothing if you are not compatible or don't have the same feelings for this new gf.

 

Sounds like there were qualities, compatibility, and feelings that were shared with this other girl that didn't exist in other relationships, but you're going to have to be the one to answer that.

 

Obviously, though, the new gf isn't an upgrade if you still can't get the last one out of your head.

[darkbloom]

You're hung up because you care about her. We fall in love for a lot of reasons and sometimes the scales aren't tipped equally.

 

Being rejected by someone that you see yourself as better than can hurt your ego.

[forumman83]

Ouch. What led to the breakup with the other girl? And do you two still stay in touch?

[altaguy23]

Ouch. What led to the breakup with the other girl? And do you two still stay in touch?

 

Well complicated as all breakups tend to be. In a nut shell she had a really bad childhood and was a foster child. This kind of messed her mentally. She's been in and out of therapy for years. I never minded and was very patient with her. She would get some weird ways of thinking, but I could always talk some logic into her and we just had a very deep close relationship. One day i invited her to meet my family for the first time, kind of a no pressure lunch type of thing...it had been nearly a year of dating after all. She had always been abandoned as a child so had some reservations with meeting family. She kinda had a freakout and ran i guess. I heard every reason under the sun as to why she wanted to break up, it was tough cause none of them made sense. She started seeing some other guy a week later. This profoundly hurt me, was so hard to believe she could do that to me. That didn't last long and she messaged me 3 months later apologizing for everything, she didn't want to get back together but we started to get close again. Even though I was hurt, as long as she was coming back to me I felt we could eventually work through it. Then one day she told me shes been sleeping with someone else as well. This hit me like a ton of bricks. We had just been together a few days prior and had some long talks about stuff, I was just shocked. So that was the end of that. From there I moved on to an amazing gf. She is stable, sane, great in everyway and i really care for her. But at the same time I can't get the other girl out of my head. She found another guy recently and it eats at me. I know it shouldn't, I know I'm probably "better off" with the new girl. It's just very hard, she will just always feel like my girl i guess

[Meli22]

Rejection I think. And also when we invest so much and sacrifice a lot for the other person, we wonder why it wasn't enough.

[Jimmyjackson]

I think this also, I find myself missing my ex even though I'm not attracted to her anymore...anyone else get this feeling?

[preraph]

What you may think is good behavior may rake on her nerves. I mean, everyone is different what they can or will tolerate. Obviously, a lot of clingy people think they're the perfect mate, when in fact they are smothering people. A guy may think that he never argues with his woman and how great that is, and she may feel unsure what he's thinking because he doesn't open up. You may think you're better looking, but you're not her, and maybe looks isn't all she's thinking about.

 

Everyone is different what they like past a certain point. It used to drive me crazy seeing some of the women a couple of my old bfs dated instead of or in addition to me. There's no accounting for taste.

[KBarletta]

I see many threads of people struggling through breakups, having difficulty getting over their ex and constantly comparing them to the new person they are seeing. I find myself doing the same. The problem for me is I know I am the better catch, I have literally everything awesome going for me in my life. I have the big house, amazing friends, great career, I'm tall, good looking, and actually modest (aside from this thread for illustration purposes lol). The worst part is I'm very good with girls to, and have upgraded to a much better gf who is hotter and treats me better. SO WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE EX it literally eats me apart, day in and day out. I dream of her every night, I think of her every day. Is it just the failure of it that bugs me or is it actually the girl. It's very frustrating. We have been broken up just over a year now and only dated for a year. I've had other relationships fall apart including a 6 year one, but none of them hit me as hard as this one

 

Honestly, even you may not be able to figure out the answer to this exactly. I think sometimes we just make a connection with certain people in different ways than others. It has nothing to do with how good looking they are and, sometimes, it doesn't even matter how good or bad they treat you. It's about chemistry and connection, and that can't easily be explained.

 

Also, I think it has a bit to do with ego when someone decides to walk away from you, it hurts way more than being the one who walks away. It's easier to leave than be left, as they say.

 

I would advise you to concentrate on building a stronger connection in your new relationship and try to put this one where it belongs - in the past.

[Meli22]

OP, why did you guys break up?

[stillafool]

OP, why did you guys break up?

 

See Post #8

[candie13]

abandonment issues. Most likely, she is triggering some old scars - maybe reviving that "I'm not good enough pattern" or making you relive another abandonment painful from your past.

 

you've said it yourself: it's not logical to be this hung up on her. If you did not live one amazing love story, if she is not the best person you've ever met, if there are not really those unique moments in your past.... chances are, it's not her, it is indeed you. You and your own issues.

[elaine567]

I see many threads of people struggling through breakups, having difficulty getting over their ex and constantly comparing them to the new person they are seeing. I find myself doing the same. The problem for me is I know I am the better catch, I have literally everything awesome going for me in my life. I have the big house, amazing friends, great career, I'm tall, good looking, and actually modest (aside from this thread for illustration purposes lol). The worst part is I'm very good with girls to, and have upgraded to a much better gf who is hotter and treats me better. SO WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THE EX it literally eats me apart, day in and day out. I dream of her every night, I think of her every day. Is it just the failure of it that bugs me or is it actually the girl. It's very frustrating. We have been broken up just over a year now and only dated for a year. I've had other relationships fall apart including a 6 year one, but none of them hit me as hard as this one

 

You were in love with your ex and you have rebounded onto your present gf. She is not the one for you, no matter how perfect she seems to be on paper, and I suggest you let her go and not waste her time any longer.

You are actually not ready to date again, give yourself time to heal and get over your ex, before you go mess up someone else's life.

[mightycpa]

Because when you were ditched, you hadn't gotten to the point where you could see what a pain in the ass she really is with all the dysfunction that arises from a ****ty childhood. You genuinely like everything about her, and you're stuck, because you didn't get to hang around until you were sick of her ****. It's surprisingly difficult to move on from that point in a relationship.

[fireflywy]

Let me ask you this? Have you ever felt, in any relationship, that perhaps you were a guiding figure, mentor, knight, or hero?

 

As you noted, you were aware of her past so perhaps you subconciously, or even conciously, took on this role of protector with her and when she left, perhaps you felt abandoned in your role which actually made you feel better as a person, worried about her in various ways, and yes, rejected from all the effort you once put in with her.

 

If you ever saw yourself this way, it can be a hard thing to simply put down as it adds an added layer of attachment.

 

*shrug*

Edited May 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[candie13]

You were in love with your ex and you have rebounded onto your present gf. She is not the one for you, no matter how perfect she seems to be on paper, and I suggest you let her go and not waste her time any longer.

You are actually not ready to date again, give yourself time to heal and get over your ex, before you go mess up someone else's life.

 

I disagree. Get all the help you can get. See a therapist and work on your issues. Having a new person by your side can only help. Sitting at home, thinking and going in circles, feeling lonely and abandoned never helped anyone progress.

 

Admit you're going through a tough time and work on it. Whatever works and speeds up the recovery process.

[FancyFace]

I disagree. Get all the help you can get. See a therapist and work on your issues. Having a new person by your side can only help. Sitting at home, thinking and going in circles, feeling lonely and abandoned never helped anyone progress.

 

Admit you're going through a tough time and work on it. Whatever works and speeds up the recovery process.

 

But Candie, dont you think its a tad bit unfair for someone to use another unsuspecting person as a crutch to help them get over someone else? Does the new girlfriend not deserve to be with someone who is fully into the relationship rather than pining for an ex? Just wanna hear your thoughts on this

[Meli22]

Whilst I agree with the above post, if there's a lot of potential in this new girl then it could be worth keeping her in the picture whilst the issues are worked on. You don't want to give up on something great because you're still caught up on an ex. Besides, it could be the ego talking rather than actual loving feelings.

[candie13]

But Candie, dont you think its a tad bit unfair for someone to use another unsuspecting person as a crutch to help them get over someone else? Does the new girlfriend not deserve to be with someone who is fully into the relationship rather than pining for an ex? Just wanna hear your thoughts on this

 

not if he's honest with the new girl. He's going through some phases due to a bad break up. He wants to be with the new girl and no way is he going back with the old one. Her choice if she stays or leaves. If he treats the new girl fine and they have a good time, everybody wins.

 

thing is, everyone goes through things. As long as he is transparent, it's up to the new girl to decide if the new situation is good enough to her.

[elaine567]

But Candie, dont you think its a tad bit unfair for someone to use another unsuspecting person as a crutch to help them get over someone else? Does the new girlfriend not deserve to be with someone who is fully into the relationship rather than pining for an ex? Just wanna hear your thoughts on this

 

YES.

 

Every day we get people on here heartbroken when their bf/gf goes back to their ex, is hung up on their ex, or is not giving any commitment because frankly they are still in love with their ex.

It is a horrible situation to be in. Being a rebound is no fun and can be very damaging to the person concerned.

Dating seriously should not be about being a support system for people who are getting over an ex. To use someone in that way is callous and cruel.

 

People just out of LTR and marriages are missing their other half badly, so when cast adrift on the sea of singledom, they latch onto a substitute individual and make that individual think they are sooo special, because every thing seems so deep, so right, so comfortable. The substitute is suddenly adored and treasured, he/she feels like they have found their soulmate.

 

Once the hurt person wakes up and realises the substitute is not their ex, then they start holding back, they start back tracking. They have let a "stranger" deep into their life and they do not like it, they may start resenting that they shared so much with them, they realise it was not "love" it was just clinging on to someone/anyone in an attempt to cure the hurt of the break up.

The substitute is blind sided, this was so perfect, but then it just wasn't... and that is why is is so cruel.

Their "soulmate" was always in love with his/her ex all along and it was all just a waste of time.

[candie13]

is the OP seriously dating the new girl? Why do you all assume they're dead serious?

 

thing is, time heals everything. Everything. Maybe he gets over his ex issues with the new person. It happened to me a couple of times. I was more than clear and if anything, it took the pressure off the new date. And I always did get over the old guy and was more than grateful to the new guy and managed to have a good RS. If those RS did not work, in the end, it was not because I was hung up onto someone else, but because we didn't want the exact same things at the exact same time.

 

Thing is, we all have this ideal image that when we start seeing someone, we're in tiptop shape emotionally or psychologically... thing is, reality is much more grim, there are thousands of shades of grey between white and black.

 

And in the end, we owe it to ourselves to do the most we can to heal, while not harming the others. If he's telling the truth, where's the problem?

[NoLeafClover]

I am sorry but you sound very fool of yourself or how you are presenting your case and situation. I would assume in your case would be it bothers you because your ego was bruised.