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Girlfriend of 7 years has walked out


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tangotango

Hi All,

 

I am after some advice please.

 

My girlfriend of 7 years decided she has had enough two weeks ago and has gone to stay at her mums down the road.

 

We have been together for 7 years obviously and lived together for 6 and a half years of that.

 

We rent a house together and have over 7 months of the tenancy remaining.

 

She has not taken any of her belongings or clothes - she took a handful of basics and that was it.

 

I took a promotion in work over a year and a half ago, and it came with its various stresses. However a part of the job was reports in the evenings after work. She would come home and sit on the couch and I would be on my laptop doing reports, she would eventually get up and go to bed.

 

I couldn't see the impact I was having and I am pained and ashamed to say I missed the signs.

 

She had mentioned she was not happy a year ago - I said I would change and obviously I didn't... She said the same over a month ago and I started making an effort but she has now gone.

 

We have not had a sex life for over 6 years either... pretty much down to me not having a lot of previous partners and being inexperienced. I just never had the courage to tell her this and that I was shy.

 

It is only now she has left - I have had two weeks to reflect on my actions and have realised how I made her feel in out time together.

 

In the first week I was so low I contemplated suicide. I was and still am so dismayed at the way I became and the way I made her feel. She is a the nicest most loving and caring and generous person I know and I made her leave by making her feel bad.

 

I am so overwhelmed with anger at myself, overwhelmed with guilt it is terrible.

 

Over a week into the break up - I made a reservation for a restaurant we never got to go to due to being too busy... she came and we had a not uncomfortable and pleasant evening, she was happy to come for a drink elsewhere afterwards. I took her back to her mums and that was that.

 

Everytime I call her - I cannot lie to her - she asks how I am and then I break down as it is upsetting. She gets upset as she feels guilty making me like this because she walked out.

 

I have embraced her actions - someone needed to take the step to make me realise the way I was. I have changed a lot in two weeks - I have become easy going, work have changed my processes to free me up now in the evenings (better too late then never I suppose).

 

I sent her a written apology the other night - she did not comment until the following day when I called. I am fighting the urge to call her as I miss her voice.

 

I want the intimate relationship we never had - when she was leaving I told her why I was the way I was in the bedroom or wasn't I suppose and she was shocked as you would imagine.

 

but now I have that off my chest I want her so bad!! shocking I know.

 

She claims she wants time to make her mind up - obviously me calling and sending texts (all light hearted texts by the way - no relationship talk)... She sends me a text now and then asking how I am...

 

I am confused as what to do next... Do I leave her for a while? I have asked to see her and go out for another meal or a coffee on our days off but she is resisting asking for time and 'its too soon'...

 

I am lost at the moment. I love her so much - we do want the same things in life and it is unfortunate now she has walked out I realise I want the intimacy I never gave... But I have changed in this short space of time and am still changing... Things would be so much different... better different too if she found it within herself to try again... 7 years is a long time to give up on... Help me guys... Thanks

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Really sorry to hear this, 7 years is a very, very long time. Sadly, this does sound like it's over. 6 years without sex IN A RELATIONSHIP is just ... it's something else. It sounds like it's too late, she has been detaching from you for a long time now and this is the culmination of all her hurt from being neglected emotionally and physically. She's bored, uninterested, her feelings for you have changed and there's nothing really you can do. She just wants something else. The dynamic is shot, the relationship's broken. It happens... again, i'm very very sorry and I know this is a horrible time.

 

The advice you are going to receive is going to be unanimously this -

Accept the relationship is over. Accept that she has had a long, long time to think about this, and she isn't coming back to you.

 

What you need to do now is go into self preservation mode. This means leaving her alone completely. It means now thinking about YOURSELF, and to stop beating yourself up over this. You screwed up, we all screw up. I've been in your exact position and yes the guilt is almost unbearable, it is consuming and sends you to very, very dark places. But feeling like this isn't going to help you. You need to COMPLETELY LEAVE HER ALONE and let her be by herself. There is nothing you can do to make this situation any better, only worse. Contacting her right now is going to push her further away, turn her off you even more, and show you can't respect her wanting to be alone.

 

Send her a message telling her you are respecting her wishes and you think it's best the relationship ends. This is to prevent you torturing yourself by waiting around to hear from her, waiting for her to "make up her mind" (it's already been made up, it was made up long ago, she is just finding the strength to really end it). This is for the sake of your own self worth. You need to figure out your living situation, but you cannot live with her from this day on. Delete her phone number. There is no reason for you to be contacting her anymore.

 

Read these forums religiously, they will be your guiding light through most of this. You are going to be fine.

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tangotango

Why has she not taken any of her belongings? Why would she come out with me? Why would she still text me to ask if I am ok?

 

We are both named on our tenancy and all the bills... we are amicable about the bills...

 

Part of me really believes if I give her the room she is asking for - she may well decide to come back at some point.

 

My head is up my arse - sorry.

 

I do not want to accept it is over...

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Why has she not taken any of her belongings? Why would she come out with me? Why would she still text me to ask if I am ok?

 

We are both named on our tenancy and all the bills... we are amicable about the bills...

 

Part of me really believes if I give her the room she is asking for - she may well decide to come back at some point.

 

My head is up my arse - sorry.

 

I do not want to accept it is over...

 

This is very normal. I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my girlfriend of 6 years too and although it's not quite the same story as yours, mine cheated and everything but I do believe you both need time apart to think about all this. Trust me, begging, telling her you have changed will only push her away.

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lolablue17

You're suffer because of the wound of the breakup. It's bleeding and it's hurt. You call her and text her as a reflex in order to stop the bleeding. Your pain is real.

 

But it doesn't say that she's the one for you. Because she's not. How do I know? Because you have neglected her for so long + didn't openly take care of your sex problem and all other stuff you mentioned here.

 

If it was true love, you'd act differently. It was probably true love in the beginning, but it passed away. It is dead, you were just dragging it for few unnecessary years because non of you had the guts to admit that is dead.

 

So your Ex did you (and herself) a big favor. Learn your lesson, stop holding the past only because it ache, start improving your self and move on.

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She's calling you and asking if you're okay because she knows that she's hurting you with her leaving. So, she wants to make sure that you are, in fact, okay and didn't do anything stupid.

 

 

Basically, she's calling you everytime she starts to feel guilty. But, that doesn't mean she wants to come back.

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Hi, I too just broke up with my ex a couple of days ago. I just want to tell you, you are not alone. But its time to move on and let go. We are here for you!

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Yeah, I think you just got used to being with her. She's like your roommate.

 

If you really loved her, you'd have acted like it. The sex, the disinterest, the broken dates, all of it. Your actions mean something.

 

Also, she didn't have sex for six years either, and she sat on the couch and she didn't insist on those dates. She was stuck in the same place you were, and I wouldn't call that love.

 

You two should have a very honest and painful talk about those six years. It wasn't just you. It was the both of you.

 

In the meantime, your best bet is to take these hard lessons and apply them in the future. Stop calling, texting, begging and start packing her stuff. Act like the man you want to be, and pretty soon, you'll be that man.

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If someone tells you it's over, it is over.

 

To believe otherwise is to deny reality.

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devilish innocent

You need to be more forgiving of yourself. It's not as though you were just being a jerk to her. You were trying to focus on work. Maintaining a good work-life balance is difficult, especially when you have a job that expects you to get work done from home in the evenings. She told you she was unhappy, but it seems she didn't make it clear the relationship could be ending. Otherwise, you might have done things differently. You're only human. You did the best you could with what you knew.

 

From what you write, she's asked you for a break to think things over. That's different from asking for a break-up. So I think it's good that you've let her know that you would like to work on things if she comes back. I would give her the space she needs to think things over. Decide how long you are willing to wait for her. It's not fair for her to make you wait indefinitely. If she hasn't given you a definitive answer by that point, then you need to have her come get her stuff and make new living arrangements.

 

Whatever happens, it will be okay. If she doesn't want to come back, then the relationship would not have lasted anyway. You deserve somebody who believes you are worth sticking with. If that's not her, then it's better that she step aside so that you can move on.

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tangotango

Thanks for the replies. It all helps...

 

I believe its a break rather than a break up... although I have to assume a break up is maybe on the cards or else I will stress myself silly.

 

Again she has sent a couple of out the blue 'hope your ok' texts... I know that doesn't mean she still wants to come back but it helps me to a certain extent to know she still thinks of me even if there is a chance she may well draw a line under it in months to come.

 

We have had a few texts in between - all lighthearted and normal... no relationship talk at all. I don't want to mention it again... she knows my feelings and what I am doing to change so I don't want to keep mentioning it.

 

Still seems to be an unwillingness to have a face to face catch up tho... she knows we are both off on the same day this week and that I wanted a catch up but she is not having it - she doesn't mention anything or suggest anything.... part of the space thing I guess.

 

I love her so much - I have acknowledged I agree with her walking out as someone had to make me realise I was the way I was and that obviously was not going to be me as I was stuck in my ways. I agree it needed to be done - but I believe now I have made some major realisations about the way I was with her and the changes I have begun to make - there is a foundation to build on... I just need her to come round to this at some point... I sincerely hope she does. I miss her so much.

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FortunateSon

Be careful about kidding yourself that it is a "break" rather than a break up, "breaks" are usually just a cowardly way of initiating a break up, but keeping the dumpee on the back burner...

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sober and dry

When my ex of almost 8 years told me she wanted a break I instantly though of it as a break up and asked point blank to her if that was the case, obviously she denied it and I believed in her once again. I couldn't believe and how could I not trust someone with who I sent 8 years of my life. But well you can guess the rest! Wishful thinking and blind trust in this cases are a death trap!

The hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but in this cases are not the best posture.

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I am in a similar situation and I understand the emotional roller coaster that you are going thru. I want him to come back so bad that I'm starting to imagine that I hear the front door shut at night and I get excited, thinking he has come back home.

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The truth of the matter is that this was not a snap decision on her part. When she came to you a year ago and mentioned how unhappy she was, she was attempting to get your attention then. When you promised you would change but did not, this spoke loudly to her heart. Here's the basic message she heard - you don't care enough about her to really act. She even gave you one more chance to respond a month ago but clearly the "steps" that you took were not very noticeable. Please do not expect her to simply rush back and put herself into the same situation. A situation that she has been contemplating leaving for more than a year but just recently found the courage to act on.

 

There is a book that I always recommend to married couples who go through something like this (even though you weren't officially married you were certainly living as though you were. This situation was part of the problem. Most women do not want to be a "girlfriend" for 7 plus years. They want to know that the relationship is going somewhere). The book is called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. In it he provides some very helpful and specific advice to the partner who is trying to save the relationship. It is well worth the read.

 

Have you considered making an appointment to see a counselor? Not for the two of you but for yourself? Have you considered letting her know that you want to work on the relationship but not in the same circumstances? What I mean by that is to tell her you respect her need for space and you think that the two of you should no longer live together. Ask her to set a date to come get her belongings and let her know that you will help her move if she wants or you will stay away and allow her to do so without you there. You can let her know this is not you closing the doors for a possible reconciliation but that you recognize the need for true change.

 

I don't know if this relationship has any hope of reconciliation or not, but there are certainly things you can do to destroy all possibility. The book is a good place to start. Speaking with a counselor is a good place to start. Giving her space and taking her at her word is another good place to start. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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tangotango

Thanks GoBlue. I have made it clear that if she would give it another go - things would be totally different... Miles better different. I am never going to put her in a position where she felt the way she did, I do love and respect her too much for that.

 

I have had to live with the grief that I was the person who made her feel like this in the first place.

 

Since telling her when she was leaving that the lack of sex was my own stupid fault - I feel totally different and now I want the intimate relationship we never had.

 

Sad I know but you can't help the way you feel.

 

I have gone through a whole day with no contact. She didn't text to say good night or how are you... I have had my outpouring of love and feelings to her and expressed my mutual respect that she made the right decision.

 

I have made it clear things would be a million times better through my own changes and realisations.

 

I guess it's day two of NC and see how long it is before she gets in touch indeed if she does.

 

Remember - we still have a house together and she has not taken any of her stuff.

 

Damn this is tough - I miss her so much

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Most women do not want to be a "girlfriend" for 7 plus years. They want to know that the relationship is going somewhere).

 

^^^^^^^^THIS IS SO VERY TRUE.

 

Although I wonder why she accepted no sex for 6 years. She should have pushed to address it MUCH earlier. Although I'm not saying it's all her fault.

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Thanks GoBlue. I have made it clear that if she would give it another go - things would be totally different... Miles better different. I am never going to put her in a position where she felt the way she did, I do love and respect her too much for that.

 

I have had to live with the grief that I was the person who made her feel like this in the first place.

 

Since telling her when she was leaving that the lack of sex was my own stupid fault - I feel totally different and now I want the intimate relationship we never had.

 

Sad I know but you can't help the way you feel.

 

I have gone through a whole day with no contact. She didn't text to say good night or how are you... I have had my outpouring of love and feelings to her and expressed my mutual respect that she made the right decision.

 

I have made it clear things would be a million times better through my own changes and realisations.

 

I guess it's day two of NC and see how long it is before she gets in touch indeed if she does.

 

Remember - we still have a house together and she has not taken any of her stuff.

 

Damn this is tough - I miss her so much

 

 

Dude, I think you missed the train on this one. But, on the off chance she MIGHT want to come back, your words don't mean sh*t to her right now.

 

 

She wants to SEE (not hear) ACTION. Take steps to change FOR YOURSELF! Go make an appointment to a Doctor. Get your hormone levels checked and see if you're not suffering from low T. Could explain your lack of sex for so long.

If your levels are fine, then see an individual counselor for yourself (hell, do this regardless). Maybe you have depression. THOSE ARE ACTIONS! Get to the gym. Start working out and burning off all the stress and frustrations you're having. Plus, you'll be working toward that ripped and rock hard bod that girls are definitely going to notice.

Get some self help books and READ THEM! Understand ways to improve yourself! Get out and stay busy! Mountain biking, doing 5 or 10k mud runs. Take a cooking class or dive lessons. DO FUN THINGS! Get new hobbies! Join a men's soccer league. Meet new people! Make new friends! Invite them over for a BBQ! Then, make a plan to travel! Pick a place you've always wanted to see. Save, make a plan and go!

 

 

These are all actions and the most important thing is you have to be CONSISTANT with these changes. There's no need to point these actions out to her, if she's watching she'll notice. If she comes back to the house to get a few things, she'll notice the self help book on the nightstand. If she calls to get more things she asks what's a good time for you and you say, "anytime after 5 because I have a counseling appointment before that." If she comes over again, she'll see your medals for your 5k's and 10ks mud runs. If she drives by the house and see's a bunch of cars out in front and music playing in the back, she'll know your having a party. If she back in the house getting more of her crap, she'll see the new prescription bottle in the medicine cabinet and she'll be curious to see what it is if you have low T. Or she could see the Broucher's you got from the travel agency for places like the Bahamas or Paris or Venice. If she see's you out in town in a tight t-shirt and she see's the muscle gains you've made at the gym, she'll notice. No need to point ANY of that out to her. The point is, is to get her to see that you're a fun guy to be around.

 

 

Plus, you're making these changes or yourself, not for her. Because, I'll be honest, I don't see her coming back. But, if she doesn't then these changes will only be a benefit for your next relationship. And I know that girl will definitely appreciate them!

Edited by Chi townD
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tangotango

UPDATE: Hi all - I was coming to the end of day 2 of NC - not to cut her off and forget about her but to give her the time she asked for as the previous 2.5 weeks we have been having a few texts and a couple of calls back and forth. The calls started well but went downhill after 10 minutes when she realised I was not coping well.

 

After Wednesday evenings final text wishing her a good day off from work - We went all day Thursday and all day yesterday with no contact... until last night.

 

I put on Facebook I was in the pub (albeit on my own). Bearing in mind because of our jobs and the rut we were in we never had much of a social life.

 

One of the changes I have made to get my energy and motivation back and stop falling asleep early evening on the couch is to start getting out and to get a social life.

 

I wanted everyone to see this - as everyone has been very supportive.

 

She obviously saw this - and after a few hours quite late on she sent a text breaking NC asking if I was ok... with a X nothing more.

 

I was pretty drunk at the time but had the foresight to not reply for obvious reasons.

 

I replied this morning briefly saying I was ok, a little tired and just asked how she was...

 

She said 'Same. X'...

 

That was it... I can see she was online very late last night - I have forged the opinion she was probably worried about me tbh and not getting a response last night might well have kept her awake. Hence the short reply this morning.

 

I sent her a message wishing a good day today - nothing more.

 

I might be reading into it a bit much - she obviously felt the need to break silence last night with a text.... I feel guilty I didn't respond last night sooner, I hate the thought I might have kept her worried.

 

Thoughts guys?

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tangotango

UPDATE: So last night I was in the bar... again. I but this on my FB. I was sitting there minding my own business and then felt the overwhelming desire to send her a message...

 

I sent a pic of something I had done earlier that day - something she owns that has been left with all her other belongings in our house together - something I took the time to fix that day for her...

 

She come back to me and was surprised that I have managed to fix it... We had a couple of texts back and forth - all pleasant.

 

She then asked if I was in the bar again...

 

I said yes - she asked why have I started going out every night - I didn't seem interested when we were together...

 

Going out most nights by myself is part of my change as she was right - We never really did this. I was usually asleep on the couch.

 

I wanted her to see I am now really happy to go out and make the effort.

 

I wanted her to see I had fixed her item and had taken the time to do so when I didn't have to.

 

I have always been a early riser - where she was a late riser and I have always been a go to bed early guy... or fall asleep on the couch when she was a night person...

 

Since she has chosen to take a 'break' I have started making the effort to go out in the evenings - which now results in me not thinking about it - I just go out and despite being by myself most of the time it is fun - I now find myself going to bed late and no longer getting up at 6am - I laze in bed and snooze and enjoy it!!

 

Why I ask you all - has it taken her to walk out for me to realise I actually do enjoy these things??

 

And before someone says 'You obviously never wanted to do any of this with her'... that simply is not the case...

 

I would love to be doing this with her by my side right now... I cannot think of a funnier person to have a laugh with in the bar...

 

I also need some advice - In my original post I mentioned about the lack of sex thing... When is a good time to tell her I have an appointment with the doc to discuss this and see if I have any issues that need clearing up? I am making the changes I should have made a long time ago guys and I am feeling better for it...

 

3 weeks tomorrow since the walk out. We have met once for a great meal in the first week and a drink straight after that night.

 

Since then - she has been staving off my brief attempts to meet again.. I don't know why, however she has been reasonably happy to speak on the phone (me call her) and she has broken my attempts at NC with a couple of 'are you ok' texts...

 

Last night in the bar during our text conversation - She asked why I was going to the bar alone most nights... I explained that I was giving it a go and was quite enjoying it - but said I was gutted to be on my own...

 

I then said I have a free stool at the bar if she wanted to join me...

 

It took her a couple of minutes to come back - she gave me an emoji with a thinking face...

 

She asked again why I was going this all of a sudden and that I was never interested before...

 

I explained again... and then changed the subject.

 

I sent a couple more light hearted messages changing the subject a little - and later that night I wished her a good night and left it at that.

 

She never come back to me but the phone says she has read the messages...

 

I feel that she nearly - very nearly thought about coming out last night... I don't know...

 

I want her to see the changes in me - I don't feel I have lost my chance to reconcile here guys - I cannot give up on her. 7 years is a long time and I would die for her...

 

I feel if she spent some time to see the changes in me - they would bring about changes in her which would help us both immensely but she is not giving me the chance to show her - I hate doing this through text.

 

Do I revert to LC or NC again today to see if she comes back to me??

 

I want to tell her about my appointment with the doc... She needs to see I am not sitting about moping about everything but am actively doing things about it..

 

Help me out here guys please....

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Wow, I think if you want her to feel really sorry for you.... you're doing a great job.

 

But is that what you want? Sympathy? Guilt? Do you want her to think of you and feel obligation, guilt, pity?

 

You really need to man up, my friend. It's time to cut contact and stop this kind of behavior. You're not helping yourself heal... and you're probably only pushing her farther and farther away with all this contact.

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tangotango

No that's not what I want at all. I didn't think about it like that... I was trying to let everyone see certain changes. Wow I didn't look at it like that. Now I feel bad... She hasn't posted anything since BU on Facebook and here's me doing this. No wonder she is not open to meeting.

 

Strict NC now is my last hope - however we have a house together and she has left everything behind so there is going to be contact somewhere. If she reaches out to me I'll keep it lighthearted and breezy. Nothing else...

 

Thanks for pointing this out to me - I didn't realise this. It's a big learning curve

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