Jump to content

Second-guessing break up?


Recommended Posts

xosillypenguinxo

Thank you in advance for reading this and for the advice.

 

My bf (27) and I (25) broke up last week and now I find myself second-guessing the break up that I initiated.

 

We were dating for 6 months. The first couple of months were amazing but since February, I felt as if he had stopped trying to put in any effort into the relationship. He works 6 days week and lives in NYC so I would come in every Saturday, rain, shine, or blizzard to see him from South Jersey. I didn't mind but in the 6 months, he only came to see me 2 times. It was just hurtful that he couldn't be bothered more. Even when I'd come to see him, he would include his friends half of the time and we would never get to spend any time alone.

I never felt secure in the relationship as in, he never made me feel like I was important or special to him. Towards the end, he wouldn't even hold me hand, kiss me, or show any affection unless I initiated it. We fought about this 3 or 4 times and he said he's just not a romantic person and so I said that I would be willing to compromise and he would try a little harder. However, it never happened. I can't even remember the last time he had complimented me or said I miss you to me.

Last weekend was his birthday and so I surprised him by going into the city 3 days in a row and planning the entire birthday weekend for him. The night we were out celebrating with his friends, he acted like I wasn't even there. I felt so ****ty that I tried so hard to make his weekend special and he couldn't even say once how happy he was that I was there or show it through his actions. I left that night and let him go out with his friends. We fought about it and he said he wanted a break. I just couldn't keep compromising anymore...so I told him we should break up. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him-someone who will fight for me. He didn't once say, "lets try to work this out" that night.

I know I did the right thing, so why am I feeling so miserable right now? I feel like i've made a mistake and maybe I should have tried more...I loved him and I didn't feel loved or cared about in return and yet I still miss him.

 

Is that normal to feel after a break up? It feels like my heart has sunk into my stomach and I will never love again. I guess I'm just looking for some support through this time....I just want to be okay..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Totally normal. You sacrificed a lot for him and didn't get the same in return. Whenever we break up with someone, no matter how bad the relationship, we always wonder what if? What you have to remember is that no matter how hard you tried, he didn't reciprocate. Maybe it's the type of person he is, which in that case, he wouldn't have changed. You did everything you could and the relationship was making you unhappy. You voiced it to him several times. The doubts you are having are normal but what you need to remember is, if you went back, the same issues would arise. If he wants to change for you he will make the effort, and he will be in touch. Don't wait around though. :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
xosillypenguinxo
Totally normal. You sacrificed a lot for him and didn't get the same in return. Whenever we break up with someone, no matter how bad the relationship, we always wonder what if? What you have to remember is that no matter how hard you tried, he didn't reciprocate. Maybe it's the type of person he is, which in that case, he wouldn't have changed. You did everything you could and the relationship was making you unhappy. You voiced it to him several times. The doubts you are having are normal but what you need to remember is, if you went back, the same issues would arise. If he wants to change for you he will make the effort, and he will be in touch. Don't wait around though. :)

 

Thank you. I doubt he will ever try to talk to me again. He didn't seem too shaken up by the break up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you. I doubt he will ever try to talk to me again. He didn't seem too shaken up by the break up.
Yeah, see, you broke up because you wanted this to go somewhere, but it wasn't moving in that direction. Good for you for knowing what you want, and having the guts to act on it. But spiritually, you're closer to being dumped than to being the one doing the dumping, and that explains the second-guessing. If you were done with him, you wouldn't care. The part of you that now questions your actions is the part of you that would have put up with his minimal efforts until he dumped you.
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, it's awful when you feel a bond and they are not as enthusiastic. You absolutely did the right thing as this guy was showing signs of no real interest. You were doing all the work while he sat back and took it, ungratefully.

 

"I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as badly as I want to be with him-someone who will fight for me."

 

Remember the above. This is what you really want, not the guy you had. You were true to yourself and got rid of him. You did the right thing. Respect yourself for doing so, for having the intelligence to understand where you were and the strength to put an end to it. I know the aftermath is so difficult because you are slowly untying bonds, but there will be someone better in the future so it will be worth it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
We fought about it and he said he wanted a break.

 

I don't think you need to even second guess anything. He pretty much broke up with you.

 

You are doing the right thing. Good for you not putting up with him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

it's not him, it's you that drove it this far. Too nice. Overinvesting. of course the guy stopped putting in any effort.

 

if you don't pay attention and set some clear firm barriers - for yourself, not for him - you will find yourself in the same situation, a few years from now. What you are craving are the signs of appreciations, the nice pat on the shoulders, the "good girl" phrase...

 

Look at what you did wrong, understand your pattern. That will help you to move on as it will give you a lot of answers.

 

stay strong, eventually time heals all wounds. Keep NC and be patient, you'll be alright.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
xosillypenguinxo

UPDATE: I just found out he's dating again...it hasn't even been a week yet. I feel so easily replaceable. I just want to curse him out, but its taking every ounce in my body not to right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool

This is why he wanted a break and didn't put up a fight when you broke up. (It did sound like he broke up with you first). Also that is why he wasn't showing you any affection because he wanted to be with her. You will be fine. Summer just started so get out there and meet someone new. Do not call him whatever you do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...