Got an email, NC has to end

[jus d'orange]

Hi everybody,

 

My ex broke up with me a bit over 3 months ago. We haven't communicated at all since then. At the time, she was abroad and we'd just seen one another not long before for a visit, but she'll be back as the same city as me starting this weekend, though just for the summer. If you want greater details, I had a thread on all of that back in February and March.

 

She sent me an email because we need to sort out some of her stuff i.e. furniture. She just asked me how I was doing, let me know what her plans for the summer were, and said we needed to sort out her stuff at some point. She also included "You probably aren't interested in meeting up."

 

I'm finding it hard to respond. I could honestly work it out so that she picks up what stuff she needs from my roommate, and the furniture she doesn't want I'll keep and pay her for. In other words, I could work it out so that I don't see her at all.

 

Just a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty awesome about everything, but the last couple weeks I started feeling insecure again, and I was dwelling on her a lot even while I was busy doing other things. The last couple days I've missed her a lot, and the timing is so weird that I now get an email from her.

 

I faced a lot of rejection in this relationship. I really loved her and she said she didn't love me, but also confusingly justified the breakup by saying that she wasn't sure we would be in the same place for any amount of time ever again. It lasted a bit over a year, but I'm still not really over it I guess. Who knows when I will be...

 

Any advice on what to send her? I suppose I should avoid meeting up with her, but maybe it would help. I've wanted to start dating again but I'm not meeting a lot of people and it's been difficult to know how to change that.

[PegNosePete]

No, don't meet up. Just have her stuff ready for collection so she can turn up, your roommate can give it to her, and she can leave.

 

Then back to the NC.

[hunk]

Don't talk to her, don't see her, don't do anything. As pete said, let her get the stuff from your room mate. Wait for her to specifically ask what days she can come around and get her stuff and go from there. This isn't your issue, she has to sort it out herself. Make sure it's a day when your room mate is home and just let her get the stuff from him. You shouldn't have ANY interaction with her whatsoever. Meeting her will not help and will set you back immensely, don't even consider it. There's ways you can resolve this situation without any interaction with her. You think seeing her will make you feel better but it's just your unhealed heart messing with you. I promise you seeing her will make you feel like absolute garbage and you will regret it instantly.

[Satu]

Don't talk to her.

 

Let your roomate be there when she comes for her stuff, then block her from everything.

[Tone Loc]

"I could work it out so I don't see her at all." yes, please do that.

 

I beg you not to reply to her email. Whatever you do, please, please don't reply!! Why was she even able to contact you in the first place? This is the problem here. You should have blocked her, she should never have been able to get through to you. You need to completely sever ALL avenues of communication, leave her with absolutely no way to contact you. Change your number, block her email, block and delete her on all social media.

 

Get your friend to help you with making the required arrangements for her to get her stuff back. You must never see her or talk to her ever again. Absolutely no contact whatsoever, in any way or form. And block her from sending you emails! You shouldn't have even been in this situation had you taken the appropriate steps to institute a full no contact policy. You can't just leave a door open for her to get through, that's only going to cause you pain and suffering.

 

Take it easy.

[jus d'orange]

I understand and appreciate the concern, but I really am fine with her being able to email me, and also with me being able to respond in an adult manner about sorting out possessions. I'm not so insecure that I can't handle that, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. I won't send any ranting emails.

 

I guess that's what I'll do, and set it up so we don't see one another. The temptation is still there to want to see her while she's around this summer, because I miss her. But I've been smart enough to reach out here and to friends and family first, and I'm quite sure I'll get over that feeling again soon.

 

I suppose I still am not capable of letting go how compatible we felt together, but I just haven't forgotten yet.

[Tone Loc]

I understand and appreciate the concern, but I really am fine with her being able to email me, and also with me being able to respond in an adult manner about sorting out possessions. I'm not so insecure that I can't handle that, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. I won't send any ranting emails.

 

I guess that's what I'll do, and set it up so we don't see one another. The temptation is still there to want to see her while she's around this summer, because I miss her. But I've been smart enough to reach out here and to friends and family first, and I'm quite sure I'll get over that feeling again soon.

 

I suppose I still am not capable of letting go how compatible we felt together, but I just haven't forgotten yet.

 

You say you're fine with her being able to email you, yet it's abundantly clear that you miss her and still have strong feelings towards her whereas she has moved on completely. You think that returning her contact isn't a big issue...it's your life, you're an adult and you're free to make your own decisions, people who post on here will give their opinions and some advice but it's up to you to decide how to proceed. There's a good reason why a lot of people are strongly in favour of complete, full no contact, which includes blocking your ex and preventing them from being able to reach you. Now, you seem to be okay with receiving her contact and you're even thinking about returning her contact, but in my opinion, this is the worst possible solution to this problem. It's a terrible, terrible idea to even begin contemplating or considering any form of contact with her. You think it's a sign of maturity and security, but really all you're doing is holding yourself back and creating obstacles to your recovery and progress.

[Tone Loc]

What I'm saying is that you're far from ready to be having any sort of contact with her, because you're still missing her and you still have feelings for her. You won't be able to handle what she has to say to you. She'll start talking about how well she's doing, new things she's doing, places she's been going to, how much fun she's having, how many men she's been sleeping with, etc. You're not ready to hear this from her. If I were you, I'd never talk to her again and move on with my life, which is what I'm doing now. But that's just me.

[mightycpa]

PNP, Hunk, Satu, ToneLoc ----> yes

 

Orange Jus - NO.

 

To reiterate the great advice:

 

1) Yes, get her stuff out of your life.

2) Yes, get your roommate to do it. Including handling the meeting arrangements.

3) No, don't buy anything. She takes it all, and has to deal with the disposal or sale of whatever she doesn't want. You don't want to sit, sleep or eat on memories.

4) Block all contact. This is the adult thing to do. The childish thing to do is to subject yourself unnecessarily to unpleasantness for no reason. You've got nothing to prove, and you do not have to live up to her expectations. You can talk to her when it causes you zero unpleasantness. There is time in your life for that, and you really do want to get there as quickly as you can.

 

If you were truly ok with all of this, you wouldn't be here asking. Your insecurity is a clue. Your statement that you're not over this is a clue.

You've put this behind you to some extent, don't **** it up now with weakness.

Edited May 26, 2015 by mightycpa

[jus d'orange]

As I said, I greatly appreciate the advice, the concern, as well as the words of caution. They're helping me avoid stumbling backwards and trying to set up some ill-advised coffee meet up where I find out that of course nothing has changed.

 

But really, I can handle emailing my ex and dealing with the fact that we shared stuff. I've lived with this furniture as my own now for 9 months. It feels like mine, but it doesn't technically belong to me. I can handle emailing her about the value and then sending her whatever money is necessary. The furniture possession isn't causing me any emotional stress and telling her to deal with moving it not only means I need to invest in new furniture at a time when I frankly don't have the time or energy to deal with that, but is also just unnecessarily spiteful.

 

I'm okay with dealing with the stuff that simply has to be done, and doing it in a way so that it is a short and as unpleasant as possible for all involved. My roommate is a common friend, and I've always wanted to avoid as much as possible her having to become a go between for an ex relationship.

 

But you're right. I still hurt from this, although it's been a kind of sudden thing the last couple weeks, and this email just happens to coincide with a bad spell. I miss her and I miss aspects of the relationship. And for that reason, I won't meet up with her. As you said, maybe when I don't hurt from it we could talk casually or even re-explore if there could be a connection again there, but now is not the right time. Which is probably why she said that in the first -- it's just me that's second guessing it.

 

I suppose I should be clear why I know I'm okay with this -- I've had exes in the past, kept email contact for things like exchanging possessions, and it was fine. If she started chatting it up with me or throwing me breadcrumbs, sure, blocking would be in order. But that's not an issue here.

Edited May 26, 2015 by jus d'orange

[Meli22]

I echo everyone else in saying get her to pick the stuff up from your roommate.

Stick to NC also. IF she is interested in reconciling, she will make this clear eventually. For now it seems like she may just be lonely, wanting to friendzone you, or whatever. So unless she is screaming "I made a mistake!" don't accept any invitations to meet up. Best wishes

[spiderowl]

Hi everybody,

 

My ex broke up with me a bit over 3 months ago. We haven't communicated at all since then. At the time, she was abroad and we'd just seen one another not long before for a visit, but she'll be back as the same city as me starting this weekend, though just for the summer. If you want greater details, I had a thread on all of that back in February and March.

 

She sent me an email because we need to sort out some of her stuff i.e. furniture. She just asked me how I was doing, let me know what her plans for the summer were, and said we needed to sort out her stuff at some point. She also included "You probably aren't interested in meeting up."

 

I'm finding it hard to respond. I could honestly work it out so that she picks up what stuff she needs from my roommate, and the furniture she doesn't want I'll keep and pay her for. In other words, I could work it out so that I don't see her at all.

 

Just a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty awesome about everything, but the last couple weeks I started feeling insecure again, and I was dwelling on her a lot even while I was busy doing other things. The last couple days I've missed her a lot, and the timing is so weird that I now get an email from her.

 

I faced a lot of rejection in this relationship. I really loved her and she said she didn't love me, but also confusingly justified the breakup by saying that she wasn't sure we would be in the same place for any amount of time ever again. It lasted a bit over a year, but I'm still not really over it I guess. Who knows when I will be...

 

Any advice on what to send her? I suppose I should avoid meeting up with her, but maybe it would help. I've wanted to start dating again but I'm not meeting a lot of people and it's been difficult to know how to change that.

 

Yes, avoid meeting. If she really wants to see you to get back together because she has learned that life is meaningless without you, she will try to find a way to do this. If you work out a way of her getting her stuff without you being there, that will send a clear message to her not to mess with you. You said you faced a lot of rejection. You don't want to go back to that again.

[jus d'orange]

Just sent a response. Wrote a really honest one in my phone where I said how things had actually been, really answering her question of how I was doing -- including both the positives and negatives in my life over the last 3 months.

 

The one I actually sent is still honest, but I just left all that out. Dealt with it matter-of-factly, and told her that I couldn't see what meeting up would do for us, unless there was something else she wanted to discuss. Other than that, just explained that I wanted to keep the furniture and how anything else she wants she can pick up with the help of my flatmate while I'm at work.

 

It's not impossible that she really wants to know how I'm doing, or that she really cares, but I just can't reckon with that at the moment. It would be different if she was going to be back here long-term -- I would then probably try to build some kind of bridge or at least see if things had changed -- but as she's leaving again in just a few months, and things probably haven't changed in her outlook, I can't see what the point would be.

 

Difficult and emotional, but I think I've done the right thing.

[hunk]

Well done, you've done the right thing. Now please, total NC from here on out.