DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Hi guys, long story short. - Relationship of 7 years with ex who moved to work in a different country last year - Cheated with someone else while being there without telling me anything. - Found out the hard way by myself she was cheating. - Gave her a ring and we wanted to make it work. - She then tells me she wants to be with the other guy. - Didn't want to let go. - Other guy calls me and cuss me to leave her woman alone. - Contacted her yesterday to pick up my ring. Of course I begged her for months to be back. Did all the wrong things. Told her family about it etc etc.. I am expecting to have a last conversation with her in a few hours. What do I say to: 1) Make her realise some things. 2) Be the bigger man in all of this. Dexter Link to post Share on other sites
kturner16 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 May I ask why you want to have another conversation with her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 "Please listen to what I'm going to say, without interruption. I forgive you. I hope things work out for you. Please never contact me. Good buy." Hang up phone & block her and anyone who's associated with her on everything. Pretend she's dead. Move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sober and dry Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I know how hard it's all too well... But if you really need to have that one last talk with her just go for something like Clarence said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Silence would be your best bet. Do you absolutely need to see her in order to get the ring back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 May I ask why you want to have another conversation with her? She has my ring. It's not about the money but I proposed to her and that rings means something to me. I want it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Silence would be your best bet. Do you absolutely need to see her in order to get the ring back? No she is not even in the same country right now and she is working there and I don't think she will ever come back and that our paths will cross in the near future anyway unless she wants to. Why silence? I already sent her a message and I am expecting a reply as soon as she gets up. Do I just ignore her response now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 "Please listen to what I'm going to say, without interruption. I forgive you. I hope things work out for you. Please never contact me. Good buy." Hang up phone & block her and anyone who's associated with her on everything. Pretend she's dead. Move on. Thank you, but there's so much I wanna say to her in my head and this doesn't feel like closure to me. I know, however, whatever i'll say will fall into deaf ears given that she is with the other guy (and quite happy about it), so you're probably right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 One other thing I really need some help. Do I block her and all her family/friends on my social network profiles or let it be? Some of my friends have advised me to block her which will make NC a lot easier. Others have told me to not do a thing and let her see I am moving on. What do you guys recommend? Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you, but there's so much I wanna say to her in my head and this doesn't feel like closure to me. For me personally, I had sooo much in my head that I just had to get out there and say to my ex after he broke up with me. It made me feel better temporarily. Because I couldn't let go, I think you go through a bit of a high after having that contact. But I was fooled by these feelings and convincing myself that it was somehow therapeutic. After I had spoken to him on the phone for hours, I still had more I wanted to say. His responses when we spoke generated more thoughts, hurt and anger in me. I wish I could go back and not say a single word now (in fact, initially I didn't say a word, and I think that bothered him because he wanted to know my reaction). It is a waste of time and energy and will likely make things worse. Closure is something you need to generate on your own with some time. You don't need to make her realise things, like you say, it will just fall on deaf ears. Don't waste your breath and start moving on NOW, not later, not after you said your piece. Now! You can say what you need to say to yourself or to us or friends, just write it down, and don't say it to her. I think your friends' advice about blocking her and her friends is good. No contact will be a lot easier, if you think it will help you, do it. Because this is about you, and making yourself feel better. It's not about 'showing her that you are moving on' it's about actually moving on! Hang in there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 For me personally, I had sooo much in my head that I just had to get out there and say to my ex after he broke up with me. It made me feel better temporarily. Because I couldn't let go, I think you go through a bit of a high after having that contact. But I was fooled by these feelings and convincing myself that it was somehow therapeutic. After I had spoken to him on the phone for hours, I still had more I wanted to say. His responses when we spoke generated more thoughts, hurt and anger in me. I wish I could go back and not say a single word now (in fact, initially I didn't say a word, and I think that bothered him because he wanted to know my reaction). It is a waste of time and energy and will likely make things worse. Closure is something you need to generate on your own with some time. You don't need to make her realise things, like you say, it will just fall on deaf ears. Don't waste your breath and start moving on NOW, not later, not after you said your piece. Now! You can say what you need to say to yourself or to us or friends, just write it down, and don't say it to her. I think your friends' advice about blocking her and her friends is good. No contact will be a lot easier, if you think it will help you, do it. Because this is about you, and making yourself feel better. It's not about 'showing her that you are moving on' it's about actually moving on! Hang in there! Makes sense. I will try to do just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tone Loc Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You'll be glad to know that this conversation will be very simple and very short. Firstly, there's absolutely nothing you need to make her realise. Nothing at all. You only have one agenda here, just one, and that is to instruct this person to never, ever contact you again. You need to stress this firmly and clearly, you need a clean, permanent break. She can never contact you again in any way. Whether it's one week down the line or a year later, she must never contact you again and she has to respect that. You two must go your separate ways, she cheated on you and left you for someone else so as far as that's concerned, the final nail is in the coffin. There's nothing more for you to say to here. No more begging. No more pleading. No more revelations. No last wishes or requests. No tears. Just one simple instruction for your ex - "Never contact me again for the rest of your life." Remember this. You have just one agenda, you have to do what's best for you. She left you with just one option, and that is to cut her out of your life completely and permanently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tone Loc Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 One other thing I really need some help. Do I block her and all her family/friends on my social network profiles or let it be? Some of my friends have advised me to block her which will make NC a lot easier. Others have told me to not do a thing and let her see I am moving on. What do you guys recommend? Remove her and all her family/friends from social media. Block her. Delete her phone number. Block her on your phone. The best thing to do, if possible, is to change your number altogether. Remove all traces of her existence from your life. Destroy all physical items that are associated with her (letters, gifts, minor possessions or items of clothing that she won't need, etc). I'm sure Satu will chime in at some stage with the finer points of NC. You really need to completely sever every single possible mode of communication, absolutely everything without exception. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Get your ring back and then move on. Sell it and use the money to enjoy yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Keep it civil, get your ring back and then block her. Think of it from her perspective. If you had dumped her and moved on with some other girl, how would you react to being given a few home truths by your ex. You would tell her it is none of her business and shut her down. You would also have a good laugh with your new woman later on about your "crazy" ex. Show dignity here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) One other thing I forgot to mention. I was moving on from all this for a long time. I probably messed up after I saw her unblocking me on Whatsapp to which I reacted, finding it much harder to move on. I message her saying that since her boyfriend told me to **** off and she blocked me, I decided to go. However, her unblocking me, was causing me trouble and I was stalking everyday and even though I blocked her everywhere, I could still her (unless she blocks me.. it's whatsapp) So, conversation went on like this. Me: "Hello there. I am just sending you this message to ask you a little favour. Could you possibly block me back on here? It will really help me to move on. Please do not reply and just do it. " Her: "Hi Dexter. Sorry I was in a remote arrival. How have you been?" Her (after 10 mins): "Talk to you shortly" Me: I don't need you to talk to me. I just want you to do this for me and go. Her: I need to tell you something. Me: Ok. Go ahead. Her: I talked to my mum about you and I told her how good of a person you are and that you are the best. I also watched the movie PS I love you yesterday and I cried a lot. Me: Ok... Her: Anyway. All the best. Me: Thank you. You too. She then proceeds to block me. This morning, I tried to message her to pick up the ring. No replies. She eventually just replied saying she cannot leave it with my friend who will be there this Thursday. She says she is going to leave it with her mom when her mom gets there but not with any of my friends. I also tried to have a conversation with her but her replies were very cold. I don't know why and she seemed very irritated to talk to me, cutting me off and hanging up several time. At one point, she switched off her phone and went when I kind of started to beg her to talk to me. I then proceeded to tell her that I am sorry for continuously harassing her all this time despite her boyfriend telling me to **** off. I wished her well for the future and then I deleted and blocked her everywhere. And her family + friends. Edited May 25, 2015 by DexterLS Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Dexter, I truly think this is a situation where the 'block, delete, ignore approach' would be best for your sanity, dignity, and well being. You deserve better! You don't need her validation or support or love. You need yourself. Someone like this cannot and will not give you the closure you are seeking. She's dishonest and morally corrupt. My advice is to avoid further contact with her, period. Get the ring back quickly if need be. If you're going to get it back, make arrangements to get it and as soon as you get it, avoid further contact. Just based on these snippets of your interaction with her, I doubt that she has the ethics to even return the ring. She seems twisted and completely unempathetic in terms of how her treatment of you has affected you. Please look out for yourself and don't allow yourself to be demoralized by her. The importance of no contact cannot be stressed enough. I wish you well and that you learn to love and respect yourself and that you have the strength to walk away from this situation. Peace & love to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You wanted her to block you, but she reached out, and later when she was cold, you act all needy, harass her and put in a dig about her bf. I guess you wanted her to be upset when you asked her to block you, but she was friendly, then when she acted cold in return, you wanted her back on-side and when that didn't work, you ended up needy and harassing her. Best for you, if you just keep away from her. She has moved on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 You wanted her to block you, but she reached out, and later when she was cold, you act all needy, harass her and put in a dig about her bf. I guess you wanted her to be upset when you asked her to block you, but she was friendly, then when she acted cold in return, you wanted her back on-side and when that didn't work, you ended up needy and harassing her. Best for you, if you just keep away from her. She has moved on. No. In the conversation she also mentioned having talked to her mom about me and that she cried watching a movie because of me. This gave me hope which is why I wanted to talk to her about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Updates. Just got a call from her which is weird. Apparently, she didn't get my last message of staying away from me and she calls asking me to talk about what I wanted to talk during the morning. I then told her to hang up and then proceeded to send the same messages again. Me: I wish you the best with your boyfriend and hope you can be together for years. Please do not unblock me. I took this day to delete everything that will remind me of you and I do that you stay away from me and I have the strength to forget you. Her: Alright. What hopes did I give you now? Pfft. . Me: Please convey my sincere apologies to your boyfriend. He told me to **** off and I didn't respect your boundaries. I wish you the best and do hope that you will never make someone else go through what I did. Enjoy your new life and stay away from me. Her: Thanks. I wish you all the best and I pray you get over the bad things I did to you. You can only get over this by forgiving me. Trust me. I didn't reply to her last message. How in the world can I forgive a person who has cheated on me countless times, took my ring, continued to cheat, humiliated me countless times. How? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 No. In the conversation she also mentioned having talked to her mom about me and that she cried watching a movie because of me. This gave me hope which is why I wanted to talk to her about all this. The dumper can cry, they can be upset, they can miss the dumpee. They are human, they have spent months/years with a person, they do not just shut off. BUT most have thought long and hard before they make the step to move away from their partner, ie to dump them and/or start a relationship with someone else. They are thus miles ahead of the dumpee, emotionally. Although they may be upset on one level they have usually got a good handle on it and they know it is for the best and they did the right thing, so do not want to come back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I am going full NC as from today. That's the only thing left to do for now. Thank you all for your help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 She/they won't be much interested in anything you have to say. And they shouldn't be. It's over. Care about yourself by not caring about them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DexterLS Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 She/they won't be much interested in anything you have to say. And they shouldn't be. It's over. Care about yourself by not caring about them. Alright. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 The only reasonable thing to do is not meeting her and telling her to mail the ring. No explaining, wallowing , begging etc. You've done damage already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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