Ex fell out of love. Salvageable?

[philsach890]

Hey guys im very happy i have joined this forum and want your opinions! Everyone tells me to give up, it wasnt meant to be, just let go and move on etc etc.

 

Myself 25 male and ex 22 female were together for 3 years and last year we were together 24/7 and suffocated eachother.

Our problems began when certain life circumstances occurred over the course of our uni year last year. She wasn't enjoying her course and i was stressed to the max with mine. Along with some really bad financial issues i was going through i changed and became a very insecure negative individual. We would wake up in the morning and go to uni and at the end of the day she would come home and because i was given a spare key i would be at her place EVERYDAY. The days revolved around us and i would often complain about life and money and there was just lots of negativity.

 

As a result she became isolated and emotionally detached from everything as everyday was all about us. She stopped going out and seeing her friends and became demotivated and unhappy across the course of last year and even ended up failing a paper. Earlier this year in February, going to a wedding made her realise that she had fallen out of love and didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

 

After the wedding she told me she was unhappy with the relationship and fell out of love with me and didnt want to be in a relationship anymore.

8 weeks leading up to the breakup we tried to work on the relationship but no matter what we did she said it just didnt feel right and she wasnt into it anymore.

She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and said she wants to find herself and cant be with me because she knows she wont fall back in love and doesnt want to be in a relationship. She said with everything going on her life and wanting to get into honours for her course she just cant be in a relationship full stop. Coming into the relationship she felt like a whole person and knew who she was and now shes not a whole person and needs to find herself

 

I know we had something special but im not sure if my particular situation is salvageable?

 

Any thoughts on whether this can possibly be saved and what i could do to try get her back given the situation

 

Thankyou

[Lizrd3000]

You really can't do anything to help her find herself.

Your best bet in getting her back, as usual, would be going NC.

But she seems determined to live for herself for now. Go NC to help yourself, not win her back, because it's not certain she'll want to get back together with you.

[Satu]

No, it's not salvageable.

 

You have to let her go.

 

There is a very slim chance that she might change her mind, but it is the slimmest of slim chances.

 

For the moment, the best thing you can do for both of you, is to go no contact and focus on your wellbeing and education.

 

If you want advice about how to get over the breakup, talk to people here, as there are many who have been through what you're going through.

 

Good luck.

[Lizrd3000]

Wanted to edit my post, but couldn't.

 

 

 

 

She's young, she probably wants to explore other options and see what else is out there. Probably the GIGS.

[Satu]

Wanted to edit my post, but couldn't.

 

 

 

 

She's young, she probably wants to explore other options and see what else is out there. Probably the GIGS.

 

Very likely the case.

 

That and feeling smothered.

[philsach890]

She said that it was the circumstances we went through last year that caused her to slowly fall out of love over time. Those circumstances were temporary and I feel like if we had not have gone thru them then things would be fine. She said that even though the circumstances arent there anymore what did happen changed her feelings and the bottom line is that she does not want to be in a relationship where she doesnt love the person.

[Satu]

She said that it was the circumstances we went through last year that caused her to slowly fall out of love over time. Those circumstances were temporary and I feel like if we had not have gone thru them then things would be fine. She said that even though the circumstances arent there anymore what did happen changed her feelings and the bottom line is that she does not want to be in a relationship where she doesnt love the person.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do to bring her back.

 

Restructure your life to suit your changed circumstances and single-person status.

 

Do things with other people and feed those relationships.

 

You have to adapt to the change.

[Quiet Storm]

People want to be around those that bring out their best selves. If you are complaining, depressing and negative all the time, you bring her down. People can only take so much of that.

 

The best thing to do is just get your life straight. Work on you. Being happy is a state of mind. Even when I was very young, I found happiness in the worst of circumstances. It's all in what you choose to focus on, the good or the bad.

 

You need to work on coping skills. We all have problems, but there are healthy ways to cope. You don't have to let your problems consume you.

 

She might notice these improvements and give you another chance. Tell her you want to change and show her you mean it. Consider counseling.

 

Even if she doesn't come back, these changes will make you a better man for the next girl.

[sober and dry]

philsach890 sorry but I also think your best bet is to do what Satu says...

I'm in a similar situation and the best I can do now is take care of myself and my own life letting go of her and everything else.

[philsach890]

Its so difficult because we never had any bad issues with the relatioship like arguing etc.

 

I think back and realise that in both our life circumstances we just depended on eachother alot and suffocated eachothers happiness and freedom. The main issue is that we failed to effectively communicate that.

 

She said that many times she brought up she was unhappy but being in the situation she didnt really know why and was unable to effectively communicate what she needed. Myself being so dependent and running to her when my life was a mess just suffocated her further.

 

It eventually turned into a cycle and routine that was impossible to get out of and we were each others default comfort setting and didnt know better. This is how the emotional detachment started and her being at a wedding surrounded by unconditional love and famiily made her realise she had fallen out of love.

 

Is it possible though to fall back in love though?

 

To me her falling out of love was due to stress and life circumstances which are no longer present. Yes i acknowledge her feelings have changed and right now she says she knows she wont ever fall back in love but with women i found that it all boils down to the emotion they feel and logic has no place.

 

I think we both need space away from each other right now hence NC. Ive been a complete mess but fighting through everyday. Im not as bad as i was a month ago but i think i still need a month or 2 more of healing and self discovery/improvement.

 

Once im on the way to getting my life and self sorted i want to reinitiate contact and hopefully the memories of negativity surrounding the break up will hav subsided for her. I want to inject positivity and happiness into her life at this point as a changed man since the last 3 months (2 months trying to work on relationship, 1 month NC following breakup) have been emotionally draining

[sober and dry]

Its so difficult because we never had any bad issues with the relatioship like arguing etc.

 

I think back and realise that in both our life circumstances we just depended on eachother alot and suffocated eachothers happiness and freedom. The main issue is that we failed to effectively communicate that.

 

She said that many times she brought up she was unhappy but being in the situation she didnt really know why and was unable to effectively communicate what she needed. Myself being so dependent and running to her when my life was a mess just suffocated her further.

 

It eventually turned into a cycle and routine that was impossible to get out of and we were each others default comfort setting and didnt know better. This is how the emotional detachment started and her being at a wedding surrounded by unconditional love and famiily made her realise she had fallen out of love.

 

Is it possible though to fall back in love though?

 

To me her falling out of love was due to stress and life circumstances which are no longer present. Yes i acknowledge her feelings have changed and right now she says she knows she wont ever fall back in love but with women i found that it all boils down to the emotion they feel and logic has no place.

 

I think we both need space away from each other right now hence NC. Ive been a complete mess but fighting through everyday. Im not as bad as i was a month ago but i think i still need a month or 2 more of healing and self discovery/improvement.

 

Once im on the way to getting my life and self sorted i want to reinitiate contact and hopefully the memories of negativity surrounding the break up will hav subsided for her. I want to inject positivity and happiness into her life at this point as a changed man since the last 3 months (2 months trying to work on relationship, 1 month NC following breakup) have been emotionally draining

philsach I personally think that everything is possible. Well even quantum physics says that it's possible to get an elephant trough a needle hole but if see you look at those probabilities...

The falling out of love could have been due to just those circumstances you say and they may not be present today, but the connection between the two of you is also not present today so...

Like you say it may all boil down to emotion and logic has no place but try to look at it this way. You two were in love and that's represented by an jar of candies sorted in a particular way, after she felt out of love the jar as no longer the same particular combination so she see that's not possible to fall back in love and she is probably right.

Even though it's possible to get the candies in another combination that she might fell in love for you again there are too problems. First it will be hard to get there and second it will not be the exact same thing again.

 

Well after all this trip the bottom line is, you shouldn't be hoping, waiting and/or planing to get her back at this point as everyone already pointed out.

[philsach890]

Thanks for all the responses i understand its best to just focus on myself and my wellbeing.

 

I guess its just the difficulty of letting go to something that was so special to me. I feel alot of guilt that eats me up everyday. I can clearly see back to all the redflags and see how it was just us all the time.

 

Time and time again i blame myself and say things like:

 

You should have given her space rather than running there everyday

You should have seen she was unhappy and taken steps to help the situation

You should have encouraged her to go out and hang with her friends rather than everything just being about you two

You should have done all the fun things that you didnt do and are regretting now

 

The relationship became a back seat for both of us, the negative personal issues were so prominent that neither of us put in the effort anymore to keep things exciting and happy

[philsach890]

Cant edit original post but feel free to post your opinions even if its been addressed by another member!

 

Looking for a handful of opinions to make sense and try to cope with everything

[Meli22]

It probably does all boil down to circumstances because people don't just fall out of love for no reason. She probably felt smothered, under pressure and was pushed away by your insecurities. It happens all the time. People mirror eachother so your negativity probably made her feel negative too. It's happened to me before. There's not a lot you can do at this point other than no contact and try to heal a bit. The more you explain yourself to her the more she will be convinced of her decision. Just focus on yourself for now, I know it's hard but if/when the dust settles and her deep feelings come out, she will let you know.

 

Also don't be so harsh on yourself. Nobody is perfect, you did the best you could.

[Meli22]

And try not to focus on women not thinking logically. Women tend to take decisions like this pretty hard, it's not something we would just do on a whim. It seemed the better option for her. Yes she may realise it was a mistake and come back but try not to pin your hopes on this, she could also move on. You should treat this like she's never coming back (hard I know!) but it helps you reach a better place in that IF she comes back you'll be in a better place emotionally to decide if you want to, and if she doesn't then you'll be ok with that too.

[elaine567]

Thanks for all the responses i understand its best to just focus on myself and my wellbeing.

 

I guess its just the difficulty of letting go to something that was so special to me. I feel alot of guilt that eats me up everyday. I can clearly see back to all the redflags and see how it was just us all the time.

 

Time and time again i blame myself and say things like:

 

You should have given her space rather than running there everyday

You should have seen she was unhappy and taken steps to help the situation

You should have encouraged her to go out and hang with her friends rather than everything just being about you two

You should have done all the fun things that you didnt do and are regretting now

 

The relationship became a back seat for both of us, the negative personal issues were so prominent that neither of us put in the effort anymore to keep things exciting and happy

 

 

You have good insight, but you have to let it go and realise that once love is gone, it is almost impossible to retrieve. Especially love that gradually ebbed away due to the lack of happiness and joy.

Love is about feeling good, about feeling elated, ecstatic even.

She will associate you with feeling depressed, smothered and unhappy.

 

She, I guess, will be feeling relieved she ended it and she will not want to feel that way again. I doubt you will persuade her that you have changed in such a short time scale.

Even ten years later, and a different "you" presented yourself to her, I guess she would be loathe to go back to that. You and she made each other miserable, remember that.

Use what you have learnt here to make your new relationships better.

 

It is never a good idea IME to go back, the same old issues, tend to return in the same old ways.

[philsach890]

To be honest i was totally blindsided by this whole situation but everything makes sense looking back. The happiness as you say did ebb out over time i just couldnt see it.

 

The issue was the communication when your so comfortable and used to routine no one says anything.

 

I swear 2nd half of last year i had no idea it was THAT bad i mean there were red flags but having my own personal issues i shrugged them off. Its not like we didnt have good times at all we really did and were intimate and close. I think deep down she really wasnt happy and did tell me that she knew she felt unhappy and depressed but really didnt know why which is why she didnt say anything about us being trapped and us being the problem.

 

It was both our first LTR and i guess we didnt know how to handle the situation being in it. I just passed a blind eye while she said she became a zombie or went into autopilot mode day after day. I think the happiness gradually faded and being in the relationship was just a habit and routine with 3 years of being together.

 

Even a month on from the BU im still a complete mess. Things seemed fine over November 14 til Feb 15 we were still acting the way we always did as a couple then she went to a wedding and BOOM.

 

The happiness and unconditional love around her family tore down the emotional walls she put up and made her finally realise at that point that she had fallen out of love with me. Upto that point i think she was confused and in denial and didnt even know what she was feeling. All it took was being at a wedding to realise

[towch]

Hey guys im very happy i have joined this forum and want your opinions! Everyone tells me to give up, it wasnt meant to be, just let go and move on etc etc.

 

Myself 25 male and ex 22 female were together for 3 years and last year we were together 24/7 and suffocated eachother.

Our problems began when certain life circumstances occurred over the course of our uni year last year. She wasn't enjoying her course and i was stressed to the max with mine. Along with some really bad financial issues i was going through i changed and became a very insecure negative individual. We would wake up in the morning and go to uni and at the end of the day she would come home and because i was given a spare key i would be at her place EVERYDAY. The days revolved around us and i would often complain about life and money and there was just lots of negativity.

 

As a result she became isolated and emotionally detached from everything as everyday was all about us. She stopped going out and seeing her friends and became demotivated and unhappy across the course of last year and even ended up failing a paper. Earlier this year in February, going to a wedding made her realise that she had fallen out of love and didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

 

After the wedding she told me she was unhappy with the relationship and fell out of love with me and didnt want to be in a relationship anymore.

8 weeks leading up to the breakup we tried to work on the relationship but no matter what we did she said it just didnt feel right and she wasnt into it anymore.

She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and said she wants to find herself and cant be with me because she knows she wont fall back in love and doesnt want to be in a relationship. She said with everything going on her life and wanting to get into honours for her course she just cant be in a relationship full stop. Coming into the relationship she felt like a whole person and knew who she was and now shes not a whole person and needs to find herself

 

I know we had something special but im not sure if my particular situation is salvageable?

 

Any thoughts on whether this can possibly be saved and what i could do to try get her back given the situation

 

Thankyou

 

 

I CALL MAJOR BULL**** TO THE MAX.

 

This says my Ex already it. there is someone most def. yeah my Ex gave me the line "i need to find myself blah blah blah and figure out why i could do such a thing, this isn't me". She cheated on. Needless to say she is still with the guy she cheated on me with...so much for finding herself lol

[Satu]

OP:

 

Read up on boundaries and limits in relationships.

 

Read up on bonding vs binding.

[philsach890]

OP:

 

Read up on boundaries and limits in relationships.

 

Read up on bonding vs binding.

 

 

 

Cheers Satu will do!

[philsach890]

Any other opinions or anyone in a similar situation to myself? Also welcome to positive comments especially!

[philsach890]

So its been 5.5 weeks NC since the break up.

 

Im not really sure how i feel tbh. The last couple of weeks have been a flurry of emotions. I can say for sure that time does change how you feel and view things. The first month after the BU i was a complete mess, paralyzed, couldnt get out of bed, not eating, mind going into vicious cycles etc etc....

 

It still hurts and shes constantly on my mind every day and i have days that arent too bad and days that are REALLY BAD but i feel more understanding and insightful of the situation. I think the hardest thing are the negative thoughts and emotions that hit me out of nowhere can anyone relate?

 

A thought about seeing her with someone else or having conversations in my head with her asking her this and that and trying to justify this and that. One important thing iv learned is DO NOT get yourself into that headspace. The hypothetical scenarios, conversations going back and forth with the ex, trying to find some logical explanation...it messes you up big time.

 

I find even though i have bad days and moments im able to get myself out of the situation alot faster. My mode of thinking lately is that if something is hurting you, you need to remove yourself out of the situation or make a change ie the thoughts will send you into a vicious cycle of thinking!

 

Tell yourself NO im not going to go there before you get there. Takes alot of willpower and constant exposure but i have found that it helps and i get into less of those paralyzing situations.

 

Im in the middle of finals atm for 1st sem exams as if the stress wasnt enough haha

[ZiggyZoo]

You're doing exactly what you need to do, to help get over this as quickly and in the most healthy manner possible. I especially think that deliberately stopping the "what if" thought cycles before they start is great. I learned that from my therapist, and I think it, along with NC, is the best way to heal. It does take mental discipline, but you need that. So good job there!

 

And i'd also like to say that you WILL get over her. I know you don't even want to at times, but you will. You'll get to a point where you can see that it just wasn't right for either of you, and you'll be OK with that. Hang in thee, it gets easier.

[philsach890]

Heys guys just a quick update and need to vent

 

I got up this morning and today is a horrible day. Couldnt even get out of bed the overwhelming feeling was this is real and this is actually happening. Today i havent seen her for almost 6 weeks and i just feel empty. If you have read my story 2months leading upto the break up we tried to work things out coz she wanted to break up when she got back from a wedding. Those 2months were absolute hell and i was a complete stranger the whole time fighting so hard but she was so distant and i hardly saw her or hung out with her coz she needed space. It just didnt feel right the whole time i know coz it was a complete 180 from the 3 years we have spent.

 

One thing i left out is that at the end of the 2months of working things out we went out our first proper dress up dinner date. Right up until then it was just meet ups and movies at my place. I was so nervous for this date and it just went wrong we turned up and although had a reservation had to wait for 30min. Had dinner and drunk sum wine and i found myself trying so hard to get her attention. Made her a napkin flower and everything but it just didnt feel good tbh. We then went to a bar and she still felt very distant and back to my house to drink with some friends. While we wer drunk i asked for a kiss and got one then asked for another one and she said no. I replied why not and she said im not ready yet and yelled at me i told you im not in love with you anymore!

 

I duno what happened but all of the frustration from 2months of wandering what went wrong with us and feeling lyk a stranger and all the stress just came out. I exploded and punched a wall next to her and proceeded to throw a bowl through a window at my flat. Not good.

 

She screamed and tried to leave but in my drunken state i realised i ****ed up and tried to stop her while apolgising etc. She was screaming i want out of this nightmare just let me go! She ran to her place 10min away and i proceeded to run after her. Friends ran with us and stayed with her then i left hers. Then 2 days later the BU happened as i said earlier in this post.

 

I guess the biggest thing i feel is guilt and regret for the outburst. She said hates the sin and not the sinner and doesnt hold it against me and knows that it was justified my frustration. But she said it really scared her and she thought she was next and has never seen me like that. What haunts her is that at the point she wanted to leave we clashed coz she wanted to go and i wouldnt let her. Also when she got home she felt numb and cold and was crying hysterically and shaking and that feeling of panic haunts her.

 

This whole event i felt i just made the situation 100 times worse. I just cant let it go it could have ended more peacefully. This is because i asked her are you breaking up because of what i did? She said no i wanted to break up since before the 2months we have been trying to work things out wen i got back from the wedding. Deep down she knew the whole 2months we were trying that she didnt want to be with me anymore but did it for the sake of us. Sh said prior to the date she was going to sit me down the week after anyway regardless if i broke the window or not.

 

Everyone tells me that she was already on her way out the door and breaking the window and the outburst just sped up the process she was gona do a week later anyway.

 

The guilt is just eating me up coz i kno it could have ended peacefully a week later had i not done what i did and now i feel lyk that negative event has added to why she thinks the BU is right even though its not the reason for her breaking up. Its absolutely driving me nuts and i feel so alone and lonely and was just thinking about her and how could we go from 3 years to being complete strangers. It hurts so much and today for the first time in a really long time i felt so upset and hurt i was getting those dark dying feelings again

 

Any feedback or opinions would be great!

[Yummm]

Sorry to hear about your blip today man.

 

What I can say is that nomatter how much more 'peacefully' it would have ended, you would be feeling just as bad. By the looks of things you didn't want this RS to end, but she had one foot out the door.

 

Perhaps it could have ended a little more civil, but you would be just as heartbroken.

 

Ride the wave man, up and down...