A Tale of Unrequited Love

[lakerman34]

So, all year I've been working in a 5th grade classroom with a gorgeous woman, my age. She was dating a guy for 4 years and broke up with him in January.

 

After that, she started to flirt with me. It started off playful. One evening, staff decided to go out for drinks. It was all fun until all the older staff left and it was just younger staff. Conversation got....weird. She was flirting with me HARD (both of us drunk), and then trying to sort of talk herself up to me. She then left. One of her friends asked what I thought of her. I said, "she's really attractive, and if we aren't working together after this year, I'd consider asking her out for dinner." She went around and told my co-teacher that I liked her.

 

Awkwardness ensued.

 

Then the playful flirting started up again. Then, my co-teacher started hitting up Tinder. She started hooking up with her "best friend" in the school (who, ironically, was also really close with her ex).

 

Now, she's seriously dating a guy she met on Tinder. A news reporter. Good looking guy.

 

We don't work in the same classroom anymore, I was moved to 4th grade. She doesn't say 'hi' to me in the hallway and doesn't even look at me. I feel INCREDIBLY disrespected. I text her about this saying "we used to be so tight. We haven't been lately, did I offend you? Let me know."

 

She never responds.

 

I start to straight up ignore her. Other staff see the tension between us, they are on my side saying that she's rude and full of herself.

 

I coach JV baseball (5th/6th grade boys -- her students). She brings her boyfriend to the game. I act cool, but am pretty upset. Next day, she tries to act cool and even cutesy towards me. I ignore her.

 

I'm just very upset. We were REALLY tight all year long, and I'd even consider her my best friend in the city. Now that our professional relationship is over, I'm seemingly nothing to her.

 

After Wednesday, I'll never have to see nor hear from her again.

[No Limit]

I think you were just too invested in this relationsihp. It might have seemed like a relationship-potential-friendship to you, to her you were simply a co-worker, even with her flirty behavior. Also an ego-brush most likely.

[carhill]

Tip: Learn to live more in the moment like the lady you're unrequiting about and view people more as transitory, in that what's there today may be gone tomorrow, without prejudice. Practice it yourself. Enjoy interacting with people in the moment and then move on to other people and other moments. If you find yourself repetitively interacting with someone a few years down the road, you might just have a relationship going, at least to that point anyway. Could change tomorrow. Accept the real. This helps lessen the propensity for unrequited.

[lakerman34]

Tip: Learn to live more in the moment like the lady you're unrequiting about and view people more as transitory, in that what's there today may be gone tomorrow, without prejudice. Practice it yourself. Enjoy interacting with people in the moment and then move on to other people and other moments. If you find yourself repetitively interacting with someone a few years down the road, you might just have a relationship going, at least to that point anyway. Could change tomorrow. Accept the real. This helps lessen the propensity for unrequited.

 

That, to me, sounds flaky. The worst kind of person, IMO.

 

I do agree living in the moment is a invaluable tool (something I am working on), but treating people one way one day and a completely different way the next is, to me, a sign of immaturity/insecurity.

[lakerman34]

I think you were just too invested in this relationsihp. It might have seemed like a relationship-potential-friendship to you, to her you were simply a co-worker, even with her flirty behavior. Also an ego-brush most likely.

 

I think what she did was awful, personally. I didn't even "NEED" a romantic relationship from her, but the fact that she can play me like a toy and then just throw me away when it was most convenient for her is incredibly selfish, IMO.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think what she did was awful, personally. I didn't even "NEED" a romantic relationship from her, but the fact that she can play me like a toy and then just throw me away when it was most convenient for her is incredibly selfish, IMO.

 

I don't see how she played you. At all. You were never together, were you? I can see why you're disappointed that she's with someone else, but I don't think she used you or played with you. She just didn't feel the same way you did.

[Satu]

Cathexis.

[carhill]

That, to me, sounds flaky. The worst kind of person, IMO.

 

I do agree living in the moment is a invaluable tool (something I am working on), but treating people one way one day and a completely different way the next is, to me, a sign of immaturity/insecurity.

Rather, it's perfectly normal. Any individual person doesn't merit special treatment, which is where unrequited attachments and investments spring from. Once the cycle is broken, where observing such responses doesn't cause distress, then appropriate interaction and investment can proceed.

 

don't see how she played you. At all. You were never together, were you? I can see why you're disappointed that she's with someone else, but I don't think she used you or played with you. She just didn't feel the same way you did.

 

IMO, this poster nailed it. Further, those 'feelings' can change at any time until you're dead. Once one accepts that, then consistency of feeling, word and action becomes the gift that it truly is, rather than an expectation and entitlement.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think what she did was awful, personally. I didn't even "NEED" a romantic relationship from her, but the fact that she can play me like a toy and then just throw me away when it was most convenient for her is incredibly selfish, IMO.

She didn't play you like a toy. You were receptive to her behavior when you should have known that a professional setting with her flirtatious behavior is unacceptable.

Take this as a lesson that someone like her are usually toxic for your health. Move on.

[Popsicle]

I don't see how she played you. At all. You were never together, were you? I can see why you're disappointed that she's with someone else, but I don't think she used you or played with you. She just didn't feel the same way you did.

 

Yes, this.

 

Perhaps she is just smart enough woman to know that guys aren't really "friends".

 

She gave you an opening and you didn't take it then, so now you don't work together anymore and it's all over.

[lakerman34]

I'm not saying y'all are wrong. Frankly, I think you guys are, more or less, correct.

 

THIS is what I don't understand. You work intimately with a single person for an entire year, AT LEAST 30 hours a week. When I say intimately I mean VERY intimately. We were a team. We were, essentially, "work spouses."

 

Then, we no longer work with each other, but we still see each other in the hallway, and it's as if I no longer exist. Not even a hello.

 

How is that NOT wrong?

[Popsicle]

I'm not saying y'all are wrong. Frankly, I think you guys are, more or less, correct.

 

THIS is what I don't understand. You work intimately with a single person for an entire year, AT LEAST 30 hours a week. When I say intimately I mean VERY intimately. We were a team. We were, essentially, "work spouses."

 

Then, we no longer work with each other, but we still see each other in the hallway, and it's as if I no longer exist. Not even a hello.

 

How is that NOT wrong?

 

Maybe her new boyfriend doesn't want her speaking to you anymore because he knows you liked her? There are many possibilities.

[lakerman34]

Maybe her new boyfriend doesn't want her speaking to you anymore because he knows you liked her? There are many possibilities.

 

Never met the guy.

 

I don't know. The way I was raised, that's impolite.

This boyfriend will have his way then. I have no reason to even look in her direction anymore. She's leaving the school as well, which is for the better. Even her kids are tired of her, asking for me to come back.

 

I'm not alone in being pissed at her.

[lakerman34]

She didn't play you like a toy. You were receptive to her behavior when you should have known that a professional setting with her flirtatious behavior is unacceptable.

Take this as a lesson that someone like her are usually toxic for your health. Move on.

 

This is fair. Still, I'm a man with high libido. If she didn't "play me like a toy," then she at the very least acted inappropriately. Honestly, had the flirting never occurred, none of this would have ever happened and we could possibly be VERY close, loyal friends to each other.

[Satu]

You're obviously very angry about this.

 

Have you tried any constructive ways of working with that anger?

[lakerman34]

You're obviously very angry about this.

 

Have you tried any constructive ways of working with that anger?

 

I am angry.

 

It's more internal anger. Not the kind of anger you can see through my actions. My only primary action in regards to her inaction is a) asking what is wrong (which I think was the mature, adult move), and b) after not receiving a reply, deciding she wasn't worth my time. The only feeling I feel towards her is disappointment. Not hate, not sadness, just disappointment.

 

I plan on meditating later today (haven't in about a week).

 

I'm not an angry person, by any means. It's just, this was so disrespectful to me and I sort of have to create my own closure about the situation.

[Popsicle]

So, is it that you're angry that she flirted with you when she shouldn't have?

 

I could understand that.

[Popsicle]

You know, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to start seeing other women.

[Popsicle]

Work spouses are awesome though! I need one of those.

[lakerman34]

Maybe it was my fault for getting too involved.

 

Ironically, now that I've moved to the 4th grade, apparently a lot of female teachers had an hour and a half meeting.....ABOUT ME. I was told that A LOT of them had crushes on me. I was told one of them even STALKS me.

 

I know better now though. Work is for work, not for play.

 

My kids and I went on a field trip to a medical school last Monday. Yesterday evening, one of the women there (who I said no more than 2 words to) RANDOMLY messages me on Facebook (how she found me, I have no idea) saying:

 

"I'm sorry if I'm coming off stalkerish, this is completely out of character for me, but I would love to become acquainted with you."

 

I don't know. I think I'm an attractive guy, but in the last 2 or 3 weeks, it's as if someone bathed me with female attractant spray.

 

One of the teachers is actually pretty intriguing (older -- which for me, is better, she's 27 and REALLY cute), but again, no-no to work and sex.

 

So, ultimately, I can GET women, it's just, I'm not attracted to what I'm pulling currently. I think I need some time to fully get over this one.

 

I have JUST started talking to a cutie on OKC (I stayed off for a while, but I think now's a better time than ever to see what's out there -- casually, of course).

 

Work wives are fun if you REALLY make sure that your feelings stay out of it and you are REALLY aware that both of you understand that you are ONLY "dating" within the walls of work.

[Popsicle]

lol that's funny.

 

I think you're smart to keep work as work and not get too close (again) to any of them. You could lose your job for that, as you have already intuited.

 

There are a lot of females in elementary school teaching so you're bound to get a lot of attention.

 

A girl friend of mine is an engineer. It's mostly guys she works with. She experiences the same thing at her job. ALL the guys (young, old, married, single...) like her at work. lol

 

I still recommend you start seeing other women (outside of work!). You will feel better in no time.

[Popsicle]

 

Work wives are fun if you REALLY make sure that your feelings stay out of it and you are REALLY aware that both of you understand that you are ONLY "dating" within the walls of work.

 

Yeah, you're right. I'd probably screw it up.

[lakerman34]

Yeah, you're right. I'd probably screw it up.

 

Honestly, if you saw my ex-work wife, you'd understand why I'm having this issue. Drop dead gorgeous, but a pretty dry personality and has some growing up to do (clearly).

[Satu]

I am angry.

 

It's more internal anger. Not the kind of anger you can see through my actions. My only primary action in regards to her inaction is a) asking what is wrong (which I think was the mature, adult move), and b) after not receiving a reply, deciding she wasn't worth my time. The only feeling I feel towards her is disappointment. Not hate, not sadness, just disappointment.

 

I plan on meditating later today (haven't in about a week).

 

I'm not an angry person, by any means. It's just, this was so disrespectful to me and I sort of have to create my own closure about the situation.

 

Anger is fine, you just have work with in the right way, which is by externalising it.

 

Say out loud how you feel, and what specifically made you angry.

 

Write about it, as you are doing here.

 

Talk about it.

 

Or use any other method that comes natural to you.

[lakerman34]

Anger is fine, you just have work with in the right way, which is by externalising it.

 

Say out loud how you feel, and what specifically made you angry.

 

Write about it, as you are doing here.

 

Talk about it.

 

Or use any other method that comes natural to you.

 

Yep, I wasn't going o do anything, but I've written on this site during ACTUAL breakups, and hearing feedback from others helps. Especially objective feedback. Hearing mom say "it's ALL your fault" (like my mom does with everything that I go through -- I'm an anxious person because she has made me that way) isn't nearly as helpful.

 

Friends trashing the girl helps as well, but you know that they are trashing her JUST to make you feel better.

 

Objective feedback is always best.