What was his deal

[MayaPapaya717]

Spent the whole five months confused about his feelings. Which led to the break up. I want to think he genuinely cared about me but that his own intimacy issues prevented him from functioning properly. Sometimes I wondered if he had a legit personality disorder or if maybe he was abused as a child. But then my own insecurities lead me think that I'm just telling myself this and he didn't have real feelings for me. I like him so much as a person that I tried really hard to see where this went, but I'd rather be on my own than in a relationship where I'm not valued.

 

When we started dating he confessed to me that the reason he didn't try harder to date me when we worked together two years before was because he thought I was too good for him. He confessed that I made him really nervous. I definitely did make him nervous, the first few times we hung out he had to have alcohol in him and he was almost too afraid to talk. He was afraid to make physical contact with me and it was really awkward for him. We both hadn't dated for three years because we were cheated on. Even though he was obviously attracted to me and would tell me how he had a crush on me from the moment he saw me, he didn't want to make out with me and would rather just cuddle and go to sleep without doing anything. By the fifth date he asked me to be his gf despite not even making out. Finally got him to make out, and from there he called me his gf. He didn't really try to progress physically with me from here. I had to tell him I wanted to have sex over text, which he ignored. Finally, we got around to it. He finishes too quickly and would get self conscious and frustrated over it.

 

For the five months we saw each other pretty much once a week overnight and sometimes go two weeks without. I was really busy with grad school and my three year old, and we live a fair distance away from one another. Sometimes he'd complain about not seeing me more, but its not like he made any effort to change that. I'd set up the weekend plans, which he didn't make easy. Even though I had the busier schedule, it would have to accommodate his hobbies and time with friends. That's fine, but again it made me think he wasn't enthusiastic about seeing me. He's a last minute kind of guy which made planning all the more difficult, and he liked to reschedule on me last minute which of course made me feel like a last priority.

 

And the sex.....while in the beginning I could initiate and he'd be in to it....that turned in to getting rejected and realizing that my initiating was starting to make him uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I was a bit more experienced than him since I was in a six year relationship where we were really comfortable sexually. I think it made him feel emasculated. So I had to just lay back and be completely uninterested before he'd come around and shyly make an effort for sex. The only time he lost his inhibitions and enjoyed my aggressiveness was when he had some alcohol in him. I could turn him on no problem. He would tell me how beautiful I was and would give me looks like he had scored or something. But then....not want to have sex. When we did have sex he'd get frustrated at how he couldn't last. Would tell me I gave really great bjs. And then he'd tell me how he hated how good everything felt. Tell me not to make noise. Not to do things that felt good. He would tell me it wasn't all about sex, and that it was about companionship. He was just happy having me there with him. While these are all very sweet sentiments, it didn't feel right. He didn't have a low sex drive. He still jerked off everyday. Even though I could get him off no problem, he still would rather not get off at all while I was there some days.

 

The rescheduling and the lack of sex made me feel like he wasn't that interested in me and that he just wanted me there to fill a void. I told him this a few times through out the five months and he would say things like I'm just too attached and that maybe we weren't on the same page, that I wanted a really serious relationship, and he said "sorry we aren't married." Towards the end of the relationship I told him that him saying those things always made my feelings for him retract. He told me he said those things to establish his dominance over me...

 

He was the only one who would talk about where he wanted to get married, how he wanted to raise his children, when he wanted to buy a house, asking how many kids I wanted. He'd talk about the future and what not while I would awkwardly stay silent and change the subject. And then he would say things like I was overly attached and needy because I wanted quality time and sex. He was also very abrasive which was sometimes hurtful but I accepted him for it. He wasn't even aware of how he talks to people and how he comes off as such a dick.

 

Despite all this there was so much mutual respect for each other. I admired him for all his attributes and he admired me. He had no problem articulating why he wanted to be with me (I didn't even ask). There was total chemistry but maybe not compatibility. He was always afraid people thought he sounded dumb. He never wanted to come out with my classmates because he thought he didn't belong. It seemed like he really didn't like it if I knew more about something than him. Even though he liked me because I'm intelligent and driven.

 

He was definitely damaged from his last relationships where he was cheated on. He was insecure. I'd been there too though and he trusted me as much as he could. I know this prevented him from wanting to be open. I wanted to believe that eventually he'd open up once he realized I genuinely cared about him. I told him how I felt a few times and he would apologize for making me feel unwanted and say that he could change, but it would continue. I just couldn't take it anymore one day. About three weeks ago I had enough when he rescheduled me again and told him I wanted to end it if he just couldn't return the effort. He asked if I just wanted to take a break instead. I told him no. I told him how his behavior hurt me this entire time and he said that he didn't realize he was hurting me this whole time and that we shouldn't be together if that's the case. I was so upset that I didn't know if ever genuinely wanted to be with me. I kept asking if the feelings were ever there. He kept saying he thought I was an awesome person and he thought everything was going great. I got crazy and told him if he wanted it to end too then he better give me a real reason, like was he just never that in to it? He insisted he thought things were going good and this was really hard to do. After I kept putting words in his mouth he finally started saying that the feelings weren't there. I asked him if he always thought I was in to him more than he was in to me. He said, "yeah, but nothing is wrong with that." I was tearing up at this point and he started saying that as of right now he just doesn't want to be in a relationship, the feelings are gone as of this moment. He still cared about me but didn't want to be in a relationship with me or anyone because he has hobbies and wants to do that (fishing). I told him that all I had needed from him was a little bit of effort if I was always having to compromise. He was over it already. He was still being very nice though, helping me gather stuff and asking me if I wanted to take the mangoes he had picked for me.

 

A few days later I tried reach out to talk about things (one text). He gave me the cold shoulder and told me he was busy. I turned my phone off after that because I was in finals and didn't want the emotional upset from checking it constantly. So several days later I messaged him online letting him know my phone was off and I was thinking of him and that I shouldn't have reacted the way that I did. Told him all the great things I liked so much about him and that I hoped we could talk after finals. A week later once finals ended I checked my phone and nothing. Tried calling once and nothing. I was upset and texted him that since he had no feelings for me anymore I wanted to give him his things I had. Still no response. The next day he butt calls me and texts me it was an accident (first time ever). Told him it was hurtful to get a butt call when being ignored and told him how much I cared about him but that I thought he was better than to act this way and that I hoped he had a great life and met someone who he could open up to. Told him to delete my number so I wouldn't get hurtful butt calls.

 

 

I can't stop thinking about him. I cared about him so much and I truly liked him as a person. It takes A LOT for me to open up to someone, especially a guy. When I care about people, they are my friends for life. He showed he cared in a lot of different ways. But none of the most obvious conventional ways like time and sex. Even if we can't be a couple, it hurts to think he's out of my life entirely. The sex thing though....I really wonder if maybe he was abused as a child.

 

 

Well this was long as hell and I don't expect responses...hopefully the vent lifts some of this confusion from my head.