Not feeling better after 1month NC. Need insight

[brokenteddybear]

I apologize for the length, but I would highly appreciate it if you stick with me through the whole tale. I'll do my best to be concise. Thank you.

 

Girlfriend of 3 years dumps me seemingly out of nowhere.

She's 24, I'm 26. We had great chemistry and shared the same hobbies. She gave me her virginity. She loved me as intensely as the sun shines. I too loved her hard; never missed a holiday or occasion / chance to show her how much I cared.

 

-It may be relevant to note that she has a horrible living situation. Long story short, she has an emotionally unhealthy relationship with her family and she is struggling in her career and finance. Most of her friends left her and the few she has remaining hate me. Honestly, her only "high point" in her life was being in a relationship.

 

Her birthday was April 1st. I made her this extravagant dinner, took her stargazing, and bought her these shoes she's been wanting. She loved it.

 

On April 3rd, she had to drive to her brother's college to pick him up. It's a 2 hour drive and it's her first time on the freeway. I call her later and she doesn't respond(she's never taken more than an hour to get back to me). I get worried and in my rage I scolded her over text the next day.

 

This prompts her to tell me "I no longer love you."

 

We talk and she brings up resolved issues from the past. We kind of have a back and forth with those, then she tells me something interesting.

 

She says she might be developing feelings for my old roommate(let's call him Steve). Steve moved to another city years ago, and we only keep in touch online. I introduced him to her January 2015 when we started playing Warcraft online together. To clarify: he has no social media and no pictures of him online anywhere. They haven't met physically up to this point.

 

She tells me she enjoys his kindness and attention. We talk and conclude that it's "just a phase." She told me these feelings started March 26th 2015.

 

April 6th, We begin to make-up and apologize to each other and make plans to fix things. She says I love you.

 

On April 7th, she calls me and says she wants to breakup. Still without concrete reason, I push to learn at least WHY. She tells me:

-Her master's degree is stressing her and she can't be in a relationship

-She doesn't know what love means anymore

-I was "mean" to her.

-"It's not another guy."

 

Not satisfied with these reasons being the ones that took down our 3 year, generally amazing (she said so) relationship, I plead her to give it a second thought. She says no. I tell her to pack her things and leave, as I respect her decision.

 

The next day, she texts me about what I'm going to do with her gifts. I told her "I'm too busy right now to think about that."

 

2 days later, she texts me "hey did you forget a sock at my place?"

I didn't reply to this as it was mundane and a breadcrumb.

 

The next day, she removes me from Facebook and unfollows my Instagram.

 

I went No Contact for 3 weeks, then I messaged her on AIM asking how she's doing and that I'd love it if we can talk. She doesn't reply and blocks me.

 

Since then, I've been in full No Contact. It's been 21 days.

 

I'd like to thank you all for making it this far.

 

Next, my mood:

 

I've improved emotionally where I am able to function like normal again, eating all my meals, working out, doing work. However, she's still this pain in my heart and right now, rather than "I want her back" I just want to be the happiest I can be.

 

HELP: That's where you fellas come in. See, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I still very much care about her, but I'm also angry at her. What should I do to become happy? If it's reconciliation, how do I best go about doing that? If it's to move on, what other strategies can you give me because I've hit a ceiling and my mood is no longer improving. Is it a lack of closure?

 

Please help. Any insight about my situation is welcome. Is she being young maybe? Grass is greener? Did the relationship just expire?

 

Thank you.

[aloneinaz]

I think what you're doing is exactly the right thing. You're not contacting her and you've both blocked each other on social media. No one will every know her reasons for ending the relationships. The obvious message is she doesn't want to date or see you anymore and wants to move on.

 

If it were me, I'd realize that it's going to take some time to heal from this feeling of rejection. Healing isn't linear. It has it's ups and downs. There's no quick way to healing, you have to ride through it to come out the other side to feel better. You dated a long time and expect it to take a few months to get through the storm. Each month you will feel better, everyone does.

 

What you SHOULD NOT DO is contact her and break your NC. You're only risking hurting yourself and starting over. You'll also stroke her ego with her potentially thinking "Gosh, this guy just can't get it and leave me alone".. Don't stalk her online either and if you can avoid running into her, that would be good as well.

 

Keep on your current path. I say it all the time and most agree that once a relationship breaks up, it should stay that way. Reconciliations don't last as all the same things that cause the first break up reappear.

 

When the pain and hurt subsides and you're feeling better, dip your toes back into the dating pool. Nothing will help you self esteem and confidence then having a great time w/the opposite sex.

[mightycpa]

You need to start thinking of NC as a lifetime thing. Don't count the days, the mileposts don't really help you. 21 days, 21 weeks, 21 years, it doesn't matter. It is over.

 

You need to really embrace the pain you're feeling and the anger and feel it. Feel all of it until you're sick of it. It will go away. This could take some weeks, and I would counsel you not to try to feel too good too soon. Don't force it, because that will essentially mean that you're burying those emotions, and they will come back to haunt you.

 

You don't actually need answers. You just think you do, and it is understandable. But all the answers in the world won't help. You'd either think her reasons are poor/insufficient, or you'd swear you could change, be better, or you'd never understand them. What you need to do is accept the fact that your relationship has run its course. It's not easy, but it is what needs to be done. That's the only answer that you really need.

 

One day, you won't think about her at all. Then you will, and then you won't, and before you know it, you'll be living your life free and clear. There's no telling how long that will take you, and chances are that you'll feel hurt longer than you'll feel love. It is quite possible that if you examined yourself closely today, you'd find that all you feel is hurt. If not, there will be a time when you do. The betrayal you feel comes from being blindsided and it always seems to last the longest.

 

Closure is complete bull****. What it really is, is that you don't care anymore. That's the only true closure. It will take a while to get there, and you'll move from the plateau you're on. It just takes time, and it isn't a straight line... it's more like losing weight... you hit a level, and you stay there, and then one day, you're moving again.

 

If you feel like you need to talk to her, then write her letters. Have the conversation. Write to other people on this board and commiserate with them. See the parallels and give advice, and take some advice in what you read. It will get better.

 

That's my advice.

[brokenteddybear]

Thank you for your insight. In the back of my mind, I'm still open to reconciliation but im not longer desperately wanting it like I did during week 1.

 

 

TO other readers: I can't edit my original post but I wanted to add that I'm looking for a handful of opinions. Feel free to post even if your point has already been addressed by a previous user.

[aloneinaz]

In the back of my mind, I'm still open to reconciliation but im not longer desperately wanting it like I did during week 1.

 

 

 

Your still feeling open to a reconciliation is normal as well but time will change this for you when you reach the anger stage. Then, it won't be about reconciliation but rather, you hoping she reaches out and you say no thanks.

 

When my ex ended us, I KNEW I'd NEVER date her again. We'd tried reconciling a couple of times already and it didn't work due to her issues.

What I thought about, fantasized about was her coming back to me and asking for one more try. I also knew I'd never hear from her again.

 

6 months later after NOT hearing one word from me, she did ask for another chance. She was told no. I'd met a terrific woman a couple of months before and am still with her two years later.

[brokenteddybear]

Closure is complete bull****. What it really is, is that you don't care anymore. That's the only true closure. It will take a while to get there, and you'll move from the plateau you're on. It just takes time, and it isn't a straight line... it's more like losing weight... you hit a level, and you stay there, and then one day, you're moving again.

 

If you feel like you need to talk to her, then write her letters. Have the conversation. Write to other people on this board and commiserate with them. See the parallels and give advice, and take some advice in what you read. It will get better.

 

That's my advice.

 

1. Is there any healthy thing I can do to reach "not care" sooner? I'm already working out and doing new hobbies, they help, but I'd like to be able to sleep happy and wake up happy.

 

2. I do have an urge to write her a letter expressing the disappointment I have with how she handled everything and how she emotionally cheated. However, doing so would burn all the bridges and the part of me that is open to reconciliation is suggesting I don't. Furthermore, will sending such a letter even help me anyways? What am I really looking for? I don't know.

 

 

Thanks for your time.

[aloneinaz]

1. Is there any healthy thing I can do to reach "not care" sooner? I'm already working out and doing new hobbies, they help, but I'd like to be able to sleep happy and wake up happy.

 

2. I do have an urge to write her a letter expressing the disappointment I have with how she handled everything and how she emotionally cheated. However, doing so would burn all the bridges and the part of me that is open to reconciliation is suggesting I don't. Furthermore, will sending such a letter even help me anyways? What am I really looking for? I don't know.

 

 

Thanks for your time.

 

1) There's no quick cure for healing. It sounds as if you're doing the right things to help you along. Only time and absolute NC will help you get back on track to feeling normal.

 

2) Don't send a letter. You'll embarrass yourself and lose further self respect. You'll also reinforce to her that she made the right decision. If you want to write a letter to get it off your chest, do so but never mail it. She'd only read it, roll her eyes and say to herself "that douche needs to get a life".. You don't need to stroke her ego.

[brokenteddybear]

1)

2) Don't send a letter. You'll embarrass yourself and lose further self respect. You'll also reinforce to her that she made the right decision. If you want to write a letter to get it off your chest, do so but never mail it. She'd only read it, roll her eyes and say to herself "that douche needs to get a life".. You don't need to stroke her ego.

 

 

Even if the letter isn't to ask for reconciliation but rather call her out and highlight what she did wrong?

 

As I type that question, I don't know why I want to do it. It's just an urge.

[hunk]

No, don't contact her. You will look pathetic and you won't get the response you want. Any contact from you now is just going to result in heartache for yourself. Your mind is a mess right now, the advice you will get here is your best friend and you have to listen to it. Just absorb the pain head on, there's not much else you can do but experience it yourself. It will go away. It will get better, but there's no magic formula. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Delete her, block her, mourn her because she's dead now. Once the necessary grieving passes you will feel human again. Even if you think the letter isn't about reconciliation, it is. Any attempt at reaching out to her right now is just an excuse for you to grasp at the hope her hearing from you will bring her back, when it's just pushing her away. Accept this as truth and try to forget her. You're in panic mode and your heart is controlling your actions, even if your brain tries to make excuses for it. Stop listening to your heart, stop listening to your brain and listen to us for now.

[brokenteddybear]

No, don't contact her. You will look pathetic and you won't get the response you want. Any contact from you now is just going to result in heartache for yourself. Your mind is a mess right now, the advice you will get here is your best friend and you have to listen to it. Just absorb the pain head on, there's not much else you can do but experience it yourself. It will go away. It will get better, but there's no magic formula. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Delete her, block her, mourn her because she's dead now. Once the necessary grieving passes you will feel human again. Even if you think the letter isn't about reconciliation, it is. Any attempt at reaching out to her right now is just an excuse for you to grasp at the hope her hearing from you will bring her back, when it's just pushing her away. Accept this as truth and try to forget her. You're in panic mode and your heart is controlling your actions, even if your brain tries to make excuses for it. Stop listening to your heart, stop listening to your brain and listen to us for now.

 

When I have moments where I don't have distractions and I think about her, and how i'm sad that it went down like that, or how angry I am she did what she did, etc.

 

Do i suppress those emotions by thinking about other things and distracting myself? Or what? What EXACTLY should I be doing when those thoughts occur?

[hunk]

Accept that they are simply thoughts and have no bearing on reality. They will come and go for a while, you just have to accept them and dismiss them. Just think to yourself "this means nothing, none of this means anything, what i'm thinking is just me trying to come to terms with what's happened". The idea is to recognize and accept these intrusive thoughts but not act on them. Acting on them won't get you answers, won't let you heal and will only cause misery and more confusion/heartache. There's nothing you can really "do", per say, except be aware that thoughts mean nothing and they're just indicative you're still healing. It doesn't matter what she did, what she said it's entirely in the past and is irrelevant now. Ask yourself, if you were to reach out, what would you achieve? Would you feel better, or worse? I can tell you you'll achieve nothing but more misery, you will feel better for the few hours after you reach out and then feel 10x worse when you either don't get a response, or her response is negative (which I PROMISE it will be).

[brokenteddybear]

Accept that they are simply thoughts and have no bearing on reality. They will come and go for a while, you just have to accept them and dismiss them. Just think to yourself "this means nothing, none of this means anything, what i'm thinking is just me trying to come to terms with what's happened". The idea is to recognize and accept these intrusive thoughts but not act on them. Acting on them won't get you answers, won't let you heal and will only cause misery and more confusion/heartache. There's nothing you can really "do", per say, except be aware that thoughts mean nothing and they're just indicative you're still healing. It doesn't matter what she did, what she said it's entirely in the past and is irrelevant now. Ask yourself, if you were to reach out, what would you achieve? Would you feel better, or worse? I can tell you you'll achieve nothing but more misery, you will feel better for the few hours after you reach out and then feel 10x worse when you either don't get a response, or her response is negative (which I PROMISE it will be).

 

 

Most of that makes sense to me, thanks.

 

Can you elaborate on "no bearing on reality?" Example, I'm sad that she moved on so fast. That is what happened, is it not reality?

[hunk]

Sorry, I was referring to your thoughts regarding contacting her and reasoning for contacting her when I said that. Those have no bearing on reality and just come from your desire to reach out and possibly hear something you want to hear from her. But yes your sadness over her moving on is completely normal and natural, but will fade with time once you completely accept it.

[Lizrd3000]

Hunk gives solid advice, there's nothing else to say really.

Just confirming what's already been told.

 

 

Once you realize or come to terms with that you'll never be together, even if you want to or not, the healing process takes a turn and you begin to feel better. Atleast, that's what happened with me. Not so sure with others.

 

 

Everyone is different and goes through the grieiving process differently.

Just remember, you're not alone, you're not different in the sense of being capable of healing, because you ARE capable. It just takes time.

[aloneinaz]

Another way to view this is that an ex can be an "addiction" on some levels. When you quit something that's become a habit, it takes to break the habit. When people quit smoking, they can so rationalize that it would be ok for one more (like sending that letter). You have to ride out that impulse as it will be strong then pass. The thing about NC or no cigarette is it only takes one more to break your progress.

 

As time passes, these "cravings" to smoke or contact ease. Each day the passes w/out contact or a cig makes breaking the habit become easier.

[BC1980]

When I have moments where I don't have distractions and I think about her, and how i'm sad that it went down like that, or how angry I am she did what she did, etc.

 

Do i suppress those emotions by thinking about other things and distracting myself? Or what? What EXACTLY should I be doing when those thoughts occur?

 

Don't suppress your emotions. Your healing will only take longer, and your emotions will come out in some other form. You might go off on your family or act hateful to someone else. Anger is really important to process, and you need to know that you have a right to be angry. It's a normal reaction that we all have. I remember being so angry with my ex on occasions that I was just fuming, and now I look back and chuckle that I even cared so much.

 

I think that the only time you need to distract yourself is if you are obsessing about something. There is a fine line between obsessing and processing the emotion. You won't always be successful, and sometimes you will fall into obsessing. Mainly, I'd recommend unsent letters or journaling to get your feelings out. Also, doing something physical like exercise can be tremendously helpful. Maybe set a certain fitness goal, like running a 5K or a certain hike you want to train for. Posting on LS and talking to other people also helps you understand and process what you feel. You will realize that most of us have had the same thought patterns, and it's just a common human experience.

 

When I felt like I was about to get hit with anger or sadness, I would just let myself feel it for that moment. I would tell myself that it was okay to be angry, sad, regretful, guilty, ashamed, scared, ect. Then, I would get up and find something else to do. I would take a walk, read a book, anything. I think you mainly just need to feel what you feel, realize it's normal and okay, in fact necessary, and then try to find something positive to consume the rest of your time.

[mightycpa]

1. Is there any healthy thing I can do to reach "not care" sooner? I'm already working out and doing new hobbies, they help, but I'd like to be able to sleep happy and wake up happy.

 

2. I do have an urge to write her a letter expressing the disappointment I have with how she handled everything and how she emotionally cheated. However, doing so would burn all the bridges and the part of me that is open to reconciliation is suggesting I don't. Furthermore, will sending such a letter even help me anyways? What am I really looking for? I don't know.

 

 

Thanks for your time.

 

1) Sooner than.....? Sooner than you feel like it will take? No, there isn't. You can't dictate how long you will care. The only thing you can do is to short-circuit your healing, and of course, that's not healthy. You could bury your feelings, or deny them. You could turn sorrow into anger, or maybe worse, a callous attitude towards women, or people in general. Your best best, is like many things in life, the most difficult path. You have to walk through hell, feel the worst of it.

 

2) Indulge your urges to write, but resist your urge to send. Let your letters be a way of examining all aspects of things.. what you did wrong, what she did wrong, what you might have done instead, what you might have said when she went wrong. Have that conversation into the nth detail, if that helps you. This introspection will help you immensely in the future, if you let it. S

 

As to thee sending, in reality, it will neither hurt you or help you, because, you're done, remember? As a result, it doesn't matter whether or not you look strong in her eyes or pitiful. The end will be the same. However, you might have to look at yourself in the mirror one day, and believe me, you're going to want to know you were the strong version of you. So my advice is to write many letter, and send none.