will she come back?

[kjetil]

This is a kind of messed up situation and i really need some advice on how to deal with this. I meet my ex girlfriend 6 years ago, i really fell head over heels for this girl. She wasn't interested in me that time, but somehow i must have pushed the right buttons to get her to fall for me too. Our relationship grew stronger for each year that passed, and after about 2 years together she got pregnant and we had our first daughter. when a year passed things started to get sour in our relationship, we were fighting a lot and i basically took her for granted. She then dumped me, and found a rebound guy just after 3 days at a party. That was my first experience getting dumped and and it was so painful i almost cried everyday for 6 weeks straight, i have never experienced something so painful. after 6 weeks she dumped the rebound guy and contacted me and wanted to give the relationship a second chance. I never felt so lucky in my entire live to get this girl back in my arms again, and we really connected after that. i knew the reason for the breakup, so i decided to improve myself and be more mature and not taking her for granted. I must have done a really good job, she got very clingy at that time, it's kind of funny because it was like getting too much of the good stuff.

 

She then later proposed to me and wanted to get married, and about the same time we had our second child which was great. I then bought us a house so we could live as a happy family. When we moved in i did a terrible mistake..... i somehow fell back to the old me We argued allot,i almost never took her on dates and i really took her for granted again. i was getting very selfish, when i came home from work i basically just eat dinner, went to sleep and playing video games till bedtime. This went on for about a year when everything went to hell..

 

What i'm about to tell you is so **** up i don't know were to start. at that time my ex was 21 years old and i'm 23 years old, she CHEATED on me with a older guy who is 31 years old who has 2 kids of his own. My ex girlfriend dumped me right after and started a relationship with this guy. It really made me angry and hurtful, i didn't know i was gonna experience this pain again but i did. I was convinced this was just a rebound relationship like the last time and started NC right after. after 4-5 months of NC i started to realize this was getting serious and hope started to fade away. I really begged for karma to bite her for cheating on me, and guess what? Her boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her by text message, i must admit i enjoyed every bit of it. she called me at work telling me he dumped her and she is not moving inn to his house or whatever, she did cry a little on the phone so i guess she really loved this guy. 1 week after she got dumped i went to her house and said i forgive her for cheating on me and if there is any chance of us getting back as a family again. She said she don't have feelings for me but we could start of as friends and see where it would take us.

i then got a call from one of her friends telling me my ex wanted to get back with me but not right away as she is hurt from the breakup from that ****.

She also said she didn't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.

Later my ex girlfriend asked if she and the kids could sleep over at my house, we did talk allot after getting the kids to bed and what she told me got me really upset. (((( after 2 weeks of dating this guy, she tattooed a heart and the first letter of his name behind her ear. she then told me she got pregnant with this guy after 3 weeks but had an abortion. she also told me that when she was out partying with this guy and he gave her ecstasy, smoked weed and sniffed amphetamine. i am so heartbroken right now, what the hell happened to her? she was so sweet and innocent when she was with me!! (( how could this guy affect her doing all this crazy stuff? i hate him so much for ruining our family and my ex

i Love this girl to death and seeing her have feeling for him and not me, is very painful.

 

Later that night we slept in the same bed, but we didn't kiss or do anything sexual stuff, it felt weird having her sleep beside me and not being able to hold around her. later the next day i invited her to dinner, we had a great time and did a lot of fun things with our kids that day. But even when she was with me like the old days she was so close to me but still so far because we were just friends. I started to realize i was getting in the Friend zone and knew i had to cut her out as friends, the next night we had sex together but i was the one who took the initiative, i think it was just for pleasure from her part.

so yesterday when i came home from work, she had cleaned the whole upper floor of my house, i was really happy and i may add that she is not the kind of girl who likes to clean but she did a really good job. Later that day we went to a cafe and did some shopping, i think she really enjoyed my company but being just friends is not enough for me. when we drove home i told her to get her stuff and that ill be driving her home, she got really disappointed by the looks of her reaction, she quickly got out of the car, got her stuff and got back in the car again. I told her: "I don't think i am the right man to make you happy, i need to think about my own feeling and if i'm ever gonna get over you, we have to stop being friend. Just a friendship is not enough for me, I'm sorry"

 

I really want the mother of my children to come back home! did i do the right thing by not being friends with her?

will she ever contact me and give our relationship a second chance when shes over her ex boyfriend?

I miss her to death, i even cried in the car when i left her at her home, this **** is so painful i don't know what to do! i know there is plenty of fish in the sea but she is my first love...

 

thank you for reading, i know this is a long post and my English is bad but please give me any advice on what to do, i want her back!

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens. Your children deserve a more stable environment than this. Can you imagine how this back-and-forth affects them?

 

These innocent little ones aside for just a moment - why do you want her? She isn't a good partner and clearly doesn't know what she wants. This relationship sounds toxic and it's evident she doesn't have good impulse control or judgement. Do a bit of reading on co-dependency. You need to stop projecting your hopes for the relationship on to her, and deal in reality. A woman who is in love with you and respects you wouldn't treat you in this way. So she will come back when she wants attention and some affection. But she's not in love anymore. So yes, you did the right thing in telling her you need to move on.

 

You and her both need to get straightened out for the sake of your kids. Seek out a family therapist if need be, and organize a plan for parenting and visitation. You can be friendly/civil for the sake of your children but you don't work as a couple. Don't put your children through the drama of moving them around and being witnesses to this circus. It's not good for them, either.

[Satu]

OP:

 

What does the word, 'love,' mean to you?

[kjetil]

We do have a plan on visiting, she has them 60% and i have them 40%. I know i'm a good father to them, i do a lot of family activities when i have the children. But my ex only seem to focus on her new boyfriend, she even introduced him to the children after 1 week!! There is nothing i can do since she has the solo custody. I feel powerless right now....

I really want to give this relationship another try for the sake of the children, and i am willingly to go to therapist, but that wont work if she only wants to be friends.

I am afraid shes only coming back to me because i have a stable life situation. I have a house, i work full time, got the drivers license. Her situation is pretty bad, she don't have a place to live, she don't work, and don't have the driver license.

 

what are the odds of her coming back to me?

[forumman83]

KJ, you need so much work and growth as a man that I would not even consider the idea of her coming back to you for a long, long, long time.

 

I strongly urge you to fight to become a better and more whole person without needing your ex so much. In the state that you are in (needy, depressed, lonely) you have zero...I REPEAT..ZERO chance of having any sort of relationship with your ex other than her using you like a piece of garbage.

[Satu]

We do have a plan on visiting, she has them 60% and i have them 40%. I know i'm a good father to them, i do a lot of family activities when i have the children. But my ex only seem to focus on her new boyfriend, she even introduced him to the children after 1 week!! There is nothing i can do since she has the solo custody. I feel powerless right now....

I really want to give this relationship another try for the sake of the children, and *i am willingly to go to therapist, but that wont work if she only wants to be friends.

I am afraid shes only coming back to me because i have a stable life situation. I have a house, i work full time, got the drivers license. Her situation is pretty bad, she don't have a place to live, she don't work, and don't have the driver license.

 

what are the odds of her coming back to me?

 

*Don't just be willing. Start seeing a therapist for your own benefit.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Be a man & get custody of your kids. Don't be cruel & vindictive, let your ex spend time with her kids as long as she isn't on drugs. Focus on raising your kids properly.