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Were You Forced To Become The Dumper?


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soulforge

Here is a link to my backround story.. please have a read

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/526113-feel-like-i-am-being-manipulated-should-i-dump-her

 

 

So i was seeing this girl for around 4 months.. we had fantastic chemistry.. great physical chemistry.. we was always laughing, holding hands, and quite affectionate with each other..

 

 

But there was also problems.. sometimes she was quite cocky and rude towards me.. and i also felt like she was playing control games..

 

 

We had a couple of petty arguments and she would blame me, and always play the victim.. she would stop talking to me, and it was me who usually reached out, to try and resolve problems..

 

Our communication was terrible.. we both could have handled things better, but she will not accept any fault or make any effort to resolve problems

 

 

I tried to reach out to her just recently, offered to meet and discuss things nicely over a coffee... but again she played the victim and was very cold towards me

 

 

I then decided to end it with her, as i cannot keep walking on egg shells around her, and i cant keep chasing her, and groveling to her, to try and make up

 

 

Like this, i will end up giving her all the power in the relationship...

 

 

How can i have a healthy long term relationship with someone who will not talk like an adult?

 

How can i be with someone who will sabotage the relationship? And always blame me for everything?

 

I miss the great times we had... i really wanted to be with her..

 

 

I am struggling about my desdecision... please help

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How can you be with someone who treats you that way? You can't.

 

You made the right decision, stop second-guessing yourself. Of course you miss her, but when you've healed and moved on you're going to enjoy life a lot more without the rollercoaster of being with someone who's not fully invested/not fully into you.

 

And the best part is that when you've recovered you'll be in a position to find someone better suited, who treats you well and doesn't put you through so much conflict and anxiety.

 

Keep moving forward -- don't look back! :)

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Sorry to hear about what you're going through! Im probably not your ex, but I would say that I did the same thing where I go silent during arguments and usually my ex bf would be the first to reach out and resolve the issue, even when im being totally unfair to him. Now im starting to realize my mistake and how I have been acting, and wholeheartedly regret my mistake... esp after he broke up with me two weeks ago. Im on the flip side of the coin as thr dumpee and now I really want him back. Im starting to realize what a fool I have been to not treasure him more. Now im focusing on healing and working on myself during this period, but I want to know what might go on in a man's mind when this happens? Will you be open to reconciliation if the girl admits her mistake and shows sincerity in changing for the better?Will you give another chance to see if the relationship will work out? Just fyi, we had been together for 1 yr 4 mths and were set on building our future together, and we did truly love each other. I never doubted his love for me. I just ended up letting my demons get in the way and sabotage the great relationship we had. Feeling really ****ty about it. Anything I can do at this point to save this? Texted him 4 days later to tell him I treasured our memories together etc .. and then 2 days later to just ask how he was doing and what i was up to.. he replied to both sets of messages. Guess thats a good thing as he didnt ignore me completely. But how would you feel about it if the girl decides to win you back and persist on it?

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Forgot to mention, the last straw was when I lashed out at him over a pretty minor incident... and he had to call me twice to try soothing the situation, and I ignored him the next day when actually he was expecting a call from me to apologise... until he called me again to meet and breakup.

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op, everyone second guesses breakups afterwards.

Even ones that clearly had to happen, and if the person you broke up was manipulative (like your ex was) they leave us confused and doubting ourselves, do the second guessing is even worse.

That is why people in abusive relationships need on average 7 breakups to finally get free. Not saying yours was abusive, but she definitely sounded very manipulative.

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It's so hard I understand. I find that I am constantly blaming myself for the failure of the relationship. I feel like I was the one picking problems and bringing them up until my ex-girlfriend got SICK AND TIRED of my whinging. I hate myself for being like that and wish I could change things. I don't know if it is normal to feel this way but I don't feel great about it. Do any of you guys feel this way?

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soulforge
Sorry to hear about what you're going through! Im probably not your ex, but I would say that I did the same thing where I go silent during arguments and usually my ex bf would be the first to reach out and resolve the issue, even when im being totally unfair to him. Now im starting to realize my mistake and how I have been acting, and wholeheartedly regret my mistake... esp after he broke up with me two weeks ago. Im on the flip side of the coin as thr dumpee and now I really want him back. Im starting to realize what a fool I have been to not treasure him more. Now im focusing on healing and working on myself during this period, but I want to know what might go on in a man's mind when this happens? Will you be open to reconciliation if the girl admits her mistake and shows sincerity in changing for the better?Will you give another chance to see if the relationship will work out? Just fyi, we had been together for 1 yr 4 mths and were set on building our future together, and we did truly love each other. I never doubted his love for me. I just ended up letting my demons get in the way and sabotage the great relationship we had. Feeling really ****ty about it. Anything I can do at this point to save this? Texted him 4 days later to tell him I treasured our memories together etc .. and then 2 days later to just ask how he was doing and what i was up to.. he replied to both sets of messages. Guess thats a good thing as he didnt ignore me completely. But how would you feel about it if the girl decides to win you back and persist on it?

 

 

Hi to answer your question.. what goes on in my mind is this... if she makes no effort to resolve problems, she is always going to blame me for anything and everything.. then its is not possible to have a relationship..

 

In my case i was seeing her just short of 4months, where as your relationship was alot longer... for me it is easier to cut my losses and get the hell away from her...

 

If i had stayed with her, then i could be in a world of pain years down the line.. also i don't believe she will make any kind of heartfelt effort to reach out to me..

 

 

And even if she did... i really doubt i would get back with her... it would just be waaaay too risky!!

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OP: I didn't read your backstory but speaking from personal experience - it is the chemistry that you miss. Chemistry is amazing stuff and rare. It is intoxicating and addicting. But relationships can't subsist on chemistry alone and you know that the other pieces are just not there. Plus, her approach to relationships is incompatible with you - and leopards can't change their spots. You know that.

 

You did the right thing. Tuck her memory away in your box of precious things and move on.

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soulforge
op, everyone second guesses breakups afterwards.

Even ones that clearly had to happen, and if the person you broke up was manipulative (like your ex was) they leave us confused and doubting ourselves, do the second guessing is even worse.

That is why people in abusive relationships need on average 7 breakups to finally get free. Not saying yours was abusive, but she definitely sounded very manipulative.

 

I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 2 years... and yes it took me atleast 6 attempts to finally get away from her.. so i know how difficult it is..

 

 

I,m not calling this current girl abusive.. but she will not make any effort to resolve problems..

 

Either because she does not care.. or because she wants me to chase, grovel, apologies, plead.. so she can gain control or power over the relationship!!!

 

 

Or she is too proud or stubborn and sensitive to let go of things, and will keep escalating the fallout...

 

 

Whatever the reason is... its not possible to have a healthy relationship with her.. every couple has the odd fallout.. the key is to talk and resolve these problems, like grown adults and get past it... then move on with your relationship..

 

She seems to play victim and sabotage the relationship... it just cannot workout with her... i had no choice but to end it!!!!

 

either that or end up walking on egg shells around her for good

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You should never regret standing up for yourself and requiring that your partner respect you. You should never regret getting out of a situation where you feel that someone isn't respecting you and is treating you like crap.

 

I think you did a great job of recognizing that she did not respect you, and expected you to cater to her every selfish whim and pouty tantrum. And you showed that you have a strong self worth by getting out of a clearly bad situation that was not in any way improving.

 

Don't get caught up in remembering the spoonful of sugar she doled out to you to make the rest of the sh*t sandwich palatable. Some people are takers - try to pick better next time. And feel good that you recognized she was one of the bad picks as quickly as you did.

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soulforge2013
You should never regret standing up for yourself and requiring that your partner respect you. You should never regret getting out of a situation where you feel that someone isn't respecting you and is treating you like crap.

 

I think you did a great job of recognizing that she did not respect you, and expected you to cater to her every selfish whim and pouty tantrum. And you showed that you have a strong self worth by getting out of a clearly bad situation that was not in any way improving.

 

Don't get caught up in remembering the spoonful of sugar she doled out to you to make the rest of the sh*t sandwich palatable. Some people are takers - try to pick better next time. And feel good that you recognized she was one of the bad picks as quickly as you did.

 

thanks for your inspiring words... well i am glad it is over now only 4 months in.. imagine how deeply hurt i would have felt, a year or two down the line, after putting up with her tantrums!!

 

i knew something was wrong from day one.. she was rather cocky and sometimes would say rude things.. she would nag and complain alot too!

 

i called her out on a couple of occasions, but she started to play the victim.. and tried her best to shame me.. let some other poor sod deal with her..

 

i need to start seeing this as a blessing!!

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thanks for your inspiring words... well i am glad it is over now only 4 months in.. imagine how deeply hurt i would have felt, a year or two down the line, after putting up with her tantrums!!

 

i knew something was wrong from day one.. she was rather cocky and sometimes would say rude things.. she would nag and complain alot too!

 

i called her out on a couple of occasions, but she started to play the victim.. and tried her best to shame me.. let some other poor sod deal with her..

 

i need to start seeing this as a blessing!!

 

Exactly.

 

And next time you meet a girl who shows all those red flags, or other red flags, don't date her. If you know something is wrong from day 1, stop asking her out on dates. Keep an eye out for the women who treat other people well.

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soulforge

The thought occured to me today, that we split up over the most petty stupid argument..

 

Yes the argument was petty, but the way the it was dealt with was pretty serious..

 

 

I swallowed my pride and reached out to her (again) even tho it was both our fault we argued..

 

I gave us both time to clear our heads, then i suggested to her, we should discuss things through over some coffee like adults, in a nice manner..

 

Again she was in a mood, again she was playing the blame game... infact she was escalating the matter...

 

She declined my offer to have a face to face chat... said she could not get away from her kids that night..

 

But why not make a counter offer.. why not suggest, hey we could meet up saturday instead and talk things through??

 

My guess is she was expecting me to reach out again, maybe grovel like a dog, or give chase to her..

 

I would be the one chasing and giving her all the power in the relationship, while she plays the victim.. we both communicated badly with each other that night, so it should have been a effort on both our parts to resolve things...

 

I gave it some careful thought, and decided to end things with her...

 

 

How could i possibley have a long term relationship with a girl, who will never look at her own short comings, and always blame me..

 

A person who will not communicate, will not try to overcome petty little problems, and leave them behind us, and continue with the relationship..

 

I would forever be walking on egg shells around her, worried if i upset her in anyway, then she could end up sabotaging the relationship again?

 

 

I really wanted it to work out.. we had amazing chemistry... but i felt i had no choice left but to end it with her.. it kinda hurts!!!

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soulforge

Should i be counting myself lucky that i broke it off within the 4month mark?

 

I can't imagine how much pain i would be in, some years down the line..

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soulforge

Just found out today, that she is back on POF

 

Where i met her, 4 months ago...

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soulforge

She is back on POF just over one week after i ended it with her...

 

How do i deal with this? Do i let her go? I still have feelings for her..

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soulforge

I am feeling weak... feel like she is gone for good..

 

I had to do, what was best for me

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You've fallen into the trap of thinking someone would make a good partner simply because you think she's hot and the chemistry was high. There is clearly no other reason because she didn't treat you well and you've cataloged all the ways she treated you like crap.

 

Don't be a slave to your fleeting attractions. Don't be a doormat who is willing to put up with crappy behavior in order to be with a hot girl.

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soulforge
It's good she is gone for good. She treated you like ****

 

Yes i admit sometimes she can be rude and bossy and cocky about things, and this would cause some conflict!!

 

But when we was together, overall she was pretty nice to me.. we was quite affectionate to each other...

 

 

The real problem and the main problem was communication.. and blaming me for every petty little argument...

 

 

Not making any effort to resolve things.. she would stop communicating, and not lift a finger to try to resolve things..

 

 

Twice i reached out, and offered to talk.. and she was cold towards me.. i decided to end it, mostly because by me continuesly reaching out to her, i am giving her all the power in the relationship, and proving to her, that i am not willing to walk away..

 

we was both not communicating well.. i admited it and wanted to talk and resolve this matter.. but she kept escalating things..

 

It leaves me in a situation of walking on egg shells, incase she she throws a tantrum again

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Yes i admit sometimes she can be rude and bossy and cocky about things, and this would cause some conflict!!

But when we was together, overall she was pretty nice to me.. we was quite affectionate to each other...

The real problem and the main problem was communication.. and blaming me for every petty little argument...

Not making any effort to resolve things.. she would stop communicating, and not lift a finger to try to resolve things..

Twice i reached out, and offered to talk.. and she was cold towards me.. i decided to end it, mostly because by me continuesly reaching out to her, i am giving her all the power in the relationship, and proving to her, that i am not willing to walk away..

we was both not communicating well.. i admited it and wanted to talk and resolve this matter.. but she kept escalating things..

It leaves me in a situation of walking on egg shells, incase she she throws a tantrum again

From what I read, the only thing going for this relationship was a bit of chemistry.

You need to move on.

It was only 4 months, and it sounds like there wasn't much of a relationship beyond a bit of physical attraction.

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soulforge

Now that the fog is somewhat clearing, i do realise that this chick was no good... yeh she had good points... but mostly she was rude, and a professional victim..

 

I feel better about ending it with her... i treated her really well... i,m not perfect, sometimes we both communicated badly.. but overall i was very good to her, and genuinely looked after her...

 

Its her loss now And she will realise this one day!!!!

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I cannot keep walking on egg shells around her.... or end up walking on egg shells around her for good.... I would forever be walking on egg shells around her....It leaves me in a situation of walking on egg shells.
Soul, it's interesting you make four references to "walking on eggshells" in this thread -- and similar references in your earlier thread. I mention this because Stop Walking on Eggshells is the title of the #1 best-selling book on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- a book that is targeted to the abused partners.

 

She was quite cocky and rude towards me.... she was playing control games.... She she throws a tantrum again.... She would blame me, and always play the victim.... a professional victim.

Soul, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., very controlling behavior, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim" and blaming you for every misfortune -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might be exhibiting moderate to strong traits of it. Yet, if she really does exhibit such a pattern of BPD traits, you would have seen more warning signs than the ones you mention.

 

Hence, if you ever feel inclined to take her back, I would suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. In that case, I also would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a lengthy painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking your exGF back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Soul.

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soulforge

Hi mate i will certainly look into this...

 

 

What i mean by egg shells is this.... And i hope some of you can shed some light on these two events for me?????

 

I will give you two prime examples this..

 

 

EXAMPLE ONE -

 

She behaved somewhat rude and disrespecful towards me in my house.. i called her out on her behaviour, told her she was creating a drama out of nothing, and she needs to calm down..

 

She then gave me the cold shoulder, then later started claiming that i was horrible to her, and i was not treating her like a guest in my house.. (I have cooked for this girl, ran a bath for her, always treated her like a guest)

 

I defended myself and told her, you was rude to me, so its only natural for me to point that out to you or get annoyed about it..

 

She twisted everything around to make me look like the bad guy, and tried shaming me.. this left me feeling somewhat confused..

 

We then made up again, she went home the next day.. i usually get a text off her when she gets home, telling me she got home fine and she enjoyed her time with me, but i got no text off her..

 

so i text her that night and we talked a little, she seemed a little distant.. then i texted her again the next morning, just told her to enjoy her day..

 

After that i decided to leave it to her to text me, as i did not want to come across as bieng needy...

 

I heard nothing from her for 6 days... on the 6th day i got this text from her

 

 

"Hi i enjoyed our weekend together, but i have had no contact from you.. i had a feeling you did not want to see me again.. anyway thanx for sharing your time with me, good luck for the future and hope your ok"

 

 

Here is the thing.. i had texted her twice over two days.. she could have easily sent me a message or rang me in those 6 days and asked me how i was etc etc

 

Why did she leave it for 6 days? Was she expecting me to keep chasing her, or messaging her?

 

Also she indirectly ended things with me that night.. that text message she sent seemed to blame me, and she said good luck and take care etc..

 

she could have quite easily spoke to me? Asked why i have not been in touch? And tried to work things out..

 

But Like an idiot, i started talking to her again.. i did not want to lose her!!!

 

 

EXAMPLE TWO -

 

We had a pre arranged date for Thursday night.. it was confirmed on Tuesday night.. when i am at work we are not aloud to use phones and have to hand them in (data protection)

 

She usualy sends me a text around 8pm when i finish work and asks me, what time to come over for? I always tell her around 9pm

 

Sometimes it is me who will text her and give her a specific time, for when to come over if i am running a little late..

 

On this occasion i was so rushed and running late, i did not get chance to text her, and give her a time to come for...

 

I assumed she will probably just text me when she is ready to set off.. i had one hour to get home, get changed, shower, shave etc... so i was mega rushed..

 

Buy the time i got ready, i realised it was 9.15pm and she had not text me...

 

She usually contacts me by now... i knew something was wrong, as i did not hear from her all day either.. i just assumed she was busy!!!

 

This was a pre arranged date.. so i sent her this text...

 

 

ME - hey we had a pre arranged date, why didn't you tell me you wouldn't be coming over?

 

 

HER - I was waiting for you to confirm it by text, when i did not hear from you i assumed you did not want to see me

 

ME - why would you assume i did not want to see you? If something had changed i would have let you know about it? I thought we was still on as planned.. i was really busy and rushed today, so i did not get a chance to even fire off a text to you, and you normaly text me after work and ask what time to come over for?

 

HER - well you was not happy with me this morning, and you was in a mood.. so i decided to leave you to it.. and i thought to myself, if he wants to see me, then he can contact me

 

ME - so you wasn't planning to come over, unless i contacted you first? You know how rushed and busy i am before i meet you

 

ME - and why are you assuming i was in a mood this morning, when i was not? If i was angry about something, i would have told you the date was off, i persumed we was on as planned

 

 

HER - you was defo in a mood

 

 

ME - get a grip... i was not in a mood at all with you .. i have rushed home this evening, got shaved, and changed, showered and ready just to meet you... silly games you play

 

 

HER - you don't need to be rude to me

 

 

ME - i,m not.. am just annoyed that i got ready to meet tonight.. nevermind have a good night

 

 

 

At this point the conversation ended... now i must admit i did get somewhat annoyed with her, and got a little upset with her.. not about the fact, that we did not meet.. but because she assumed i was in a mood..

 

The reason why she believes i was angry with her is because when i texted her that morning and asked what she did with herself on her day off, i did not put a X

on the text message

 

I usualy put a X end of my messages to her, but did not on this occasion, i did not even realise that i had left it out.. so from that she assumed i was peed off with her...

 

So she basically was not going to meet me for this date, unless i asked her first to come over... it was pre arranged date tho..

 

And yes it would had been better if i had called her to confirm or texted her, or she could have done the same

 

But i truley did not find the time... where as she could have easily confirmed by texting me.. but she was sulking and playing stubborn..

 

 

Both of us communicated really badly here, i should have tried to call her, or she could have tried to call or text me.. we both handled this badly

 

 

and yes i did get a little angry.. she claims i was rude to her, when i said 'get a grip' in that text message..

 

 

So basically she stopped communicating.. i let her cool down for a couple of days.. and for myself to cool down..

 

Few days later i reached out to try and talk.. which led to her blaming me, and escalating things even further..

 

Then again i reached out few more days later, and sent her this text..

 

 

'hey how about we meet up tonight and discuss things over a coffee and some cake.. be good to have a face to face.. things get mis interpreted badly on whatsapp x

 

 

She made some excuses about not bieng able to meet because of her kids... but she made no counter offer to meet and talk on another day???

 

 

I guess she was expecting me to keep groveling and to keep chasing her?

 

Again she was escalating things, playing the victim.. claiming i upset her..

 

 

So later that night i decided i can't do this anymore... nearly every relationship will have the odd fallout our argument?

 

The key is to communicate and try to resolve the problem.. talk things through like adults.. she dragged this out for over a week

 

I wanted to talk to her about communicating better.. but she will not budge from bieng the victim and me the bad guy..

 

 

I treated this woman so well... looked after her at my house for two days when she got ill.. she had nobody else..

 

I cooked for her, ran her a bath.. took her to nice places, day trips out.. walks in the woods.. got her a birthday cake surprise..

 

 

But over the pettiest of things, i get painted completely black... i would forever have to walk on eggshells around her?

 

 

Incase i did or said something wrong.. if i got upset or angry at any point, or had to tell her off for bad behaviour, she would go back into victim mode? And sabotage the relationship again??

 

 

I tried twice to talk.. where as she has not made any effort to resolve issues.. why should i keep groveling like a dog to her...

 

We both should be trying to make it work... and to learn to communicate better..

 

 

I decided to finish with her, as this would not get any better.. and i am not willing to walk on egg shells around her!!!

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soulforge

I am experiencing two intense emotions..

 

I feel glad that i ended it with her, and deep inside i know it was not right... and then i feel intense guilt.. as in this whole mess is my own fault, and i should again try to salvage things!!!

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