6 months NC. Write to her on her birthday. (Updated)

[binrob]

*Sorry this turned out way longer than I expected*

 

 

We were together 4 years. We were each others first love and first sexual partner and everything. 2 and a half years ago she left saying she wasn't happy. She went straight into the arms of another guy and got into a relationship with him, but after 2 months came back, said she was sorry. We talked and got back together. But the thought of her having slept with another guy while I had been suffering and crying over her and being faithful to her ate away at me. So when our relationship hit a low point over a year ago I did something stupid. I started sexting with this other girl. I regretted it and it never went beyond just texts. She found out and I begged forgiveness and she decided to stay. I gave up everything for her. I was intent on proving it was a one time mistake and I would never do it again. And I never did do anything again and tried my best to make her trust me even though she was giving me a hard time.

 

Everything was getting better. I was saving money for an engagement ring. She didn't know this though. We had our fights and arguements like any couple. Just one month before breaking up with me she told me she had this gut feeling about us since the day we met that we would last forever. Then in september we had a fight and she decides to break up. I beg and pleade. Didn't work. Sent her her favorite flowers with a note telling her she was my everything. Didn't work. She also started immediately talking to this other guy. She didn't get into a relationship but just went on dates and stuff with him. I was crushed. But after doing everything I could I stopped talking to her. After over a 1 month I contacted her. We started talking. We met up and decided to take it slow. She said she loved me and wanted to get back together and everything. I was so happy but scared at the same time since I had just been through hell. But when I went to her place I saw the note I had sent with the flowers in the box where she keeps the watch I bought her for christmas that she wears everyday. She always puts the watch in the box which meant she would see the note everyday.

 

But 3 weeks later she just does a 180. Says she can't do this. She says she can't be with someone who had done what I did. That it was over for good. I accepted it. Crushed me. But I knew begging wasn't going to work.

 

2 weeks later she's at an event holding hands with a new guy. They are in a relationship and still going strong to this day.

 

I only contacted her 3 times over the course of 3 months. The last time was in january. It was when I saw that she had gone on a vacation with this new guy. He had posted a collage of pics of them on vacation as his facebook cover. My friend showed me. It crushed me bad. Just less than 2 months ago she had told me she loved me and wanted to try again and here she was on a vacation with another guy. I wrote to her telling her how I thought she was false. How she lied to me. She had me suffer for a mistake I did and I had done everything to make it right when she never really loved me. After that I didn't send anything.

 

1 month later I decided it was time to delete her number. I wanted to block her first though. But when I went to block her on viber I accidentally called her and on viber the call goes through and she gets a notification that I called immediately even if you hang up in less than 1 second. The day after her father calls me. Threatens me to stay away. That he will call the police. As if I was some sort of abusive ex boyfriend. I had taken care of her for 4 years and done everything for her. Now I was being threatened.

 

I have not contacted her anymore. But I still miss her everyday. I still hurt everyday. I have taken steps to move on. I have been working out since I was 15 (I am now 22) and I started again a few months ago after stopping when we broke up. She had just moved to the building next door to me when we broke up which led me to seeing her and him an awful lot. I have now moved to another place. I have applied to university and will be starting after summer to take my degree in econmics. But despite everything I am sad everday. I miss her and think about her everyday. I know she doesn't think about me. She has her new boyfriend and he seems to have everything she thought I lacked. But yet here I am missing her. Sometimes crying. She was the love of my life and best friend for 4 years and she cut me out and moved on like I was garbage. Maybe I deserve this. I don't know. I just want the pain to be over. She is gone. She doesn't care. Why am I sitting her crying when she is in the arms of another man. Why can't I move on.

[DJOkawari]

The only thing I can tell you based on my own life and the people I've heard about here on LS is that 6 months isn't so bad. Don't feel guilty for the time it takes, however, also analyze how you spend your time. Do you do any activities that would keep her on your mind? If you are not contacting her or looking at her online activities or making plans to get her back and you've been working on yourself and your own life then you're on the correct path. The time it takes is just the time it takes, it was a way you felt and operated for 4 years...old habits die hard.

 

But I do want to ask you one thing: Maybe it is your hope that makes these feeling occur. Many people take a lot longer than a few months to realize "oh it is really over" and then they begin to heal. Just make sure you don't think she'll come back if you wait...because that's just pure agony and that's how you end up in the situation of "But the thought of her having slept with another guy while I had been suffering and crying over her and being faithful to her ate away at me."

 

 

Also realize that life is long (or it's gonna be short and this REALLY didn't matter) and whatever has happened is just a small blip over the course of your life and her life. You two may get back together, you may meet the love of your life tomorrow...you have no idea, so thinking "if this one thing happened I'd be happy" is ridiculous. In fact reading your story, maybe the break up was a good thing for you?

 

Best of luck, I really empathize with you on this one.

Edited April 13, 2015 by DJOkawari

[xyz0123]

It was all rather complicated. I don't want to be cruel, but it seems like you both needed this to happen.. You were killing each other mentally. You just don't see it yet.

 

But hey. Give yourself more credit! You said you started working out and applied for uni! Those are huge steps! See that you are on a good path!

 

Keep NC. She is in a new relationship.. You can't change that.. Is that a rebound? Something just to show you that she is winning this and can be good with or without you? You will never know..

She even got her family to threaten you to stay away? Dude, that's messed up. Definitely a red flag.

She definitely needs her space. She is confused and sounds rather complicated.

Don't talk to her. Delete, delete, delete.

 

Don't wait and hope. Do things as you started, for yourself. You won't cry every night.

 

I'm currently on that stage of healing where I appreciate that I can do whatever the hell I want with my life.. I can go out at night or to concerts or with friends without being asked why do I go and where and all that jazz. I can stay up the whole night on the computer if I want to, without hearing whining like I used to hear. I can cook and eat whatever I want. There are many positive things! You just have to do even the simplest things for yourself, even the silliest things.

 

I am the same age as you and my 3 years relationship ended 2 months ago.

It hurts like hell, I believe it's tough, but fall in love with yourself, someday is going to be the only one you've got.

 

Stay strong man

[binrob]

The only thing I can tell you based on my own life and the people I've heard about here on LS is that 6 months isn't so bad. Don't feel guilty for the time it takes, however, also analyze how you spend your time. Do you do any activities that would keep her on your mind? If you are not contacting her or looking at her online activities or making plans to get her back and you've been working on yourself and your own life then you're on the correct path. The time it takes is just the time it takes, it was a way you felt and operated for 4 years...old habits die hard.

 

But I do want to ask you one thing: Maybe it is your hope that makes these feeling occur. Many people take a lot longer than a few months to realize "oh it is really over" and then they begin to heal. Just make sure you don't think she'll come back if you wait...because that's just pure agony and that's how you end up in the situation of "But the thought of her having slept with another guy while I had been suffering and crying over her and being faithful to her ate away at me."

 

 

Also realize that life is long (or it's gonna be short and this REALLY didn't matter) and whatever has happened is just a small blip over the course of your life and her life. You two may get back together, you may meet the love of your life tomorrow...you have no idea, so thinking "if this one thing happened I'd be happy" is ridiculous. In fact reading your story, maybe the break up was a good thing for you?

 

Best of luck, I really empathize with you on this one.

 

I am not doing anything that would keep her on my mind. I am blocked on facebook, but I have also deleted my facebook and I don't have instagram. I have no way to check up on what and how she is doing. I am not making any plans either and as I said I don't think she'll ever even talk to me again let alone want me back. She moved on in less than 2 weeks after a 4 year relationship and has not looked back. I have no hope.

 

I know life is long but I loved this girl and as I said in my post I was saving for an engagement ring. I would've died for her and to be left and replaced so easily and then be kicked when I'm down by having her family treat me like dirt crushed me bad.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

 

 

It was all rather complicated. I don't want to be cruel, but it seems like you both needed this to happen.. You were killing each other mentally. You just don't see it yet.

 

But hey. Give yourself more credit! You said you started working out and applied for uni! Those are huge steps! See that you are on a good path!

 

Keep NC. She is in a new relationship.. You can't change that.. Is that a rebound? Something just to show you that she is winning this and can be good with or without you? You will never know..

She even got her family to threaten you to stay away? Dude, that's messed up. Definitely a red flag.

She definitely needs her space. She is confused and sounds rather complicated.

Don't talk to her. Delete, delete, delete.

 

Don't wait and hope. Do things as you started, for yourself. You won't cry every night.

 

I'm currently on that stage of healing where I appreciate that I can do whatever the hell I want with my life.. I can go out at night or to concerts or with friends without being asked why do I go and where and all that jazz. I can stay up the whole night on the computer if I want to, without hearing whining like I used to hear. I can cook and eat whatever I want. There are many positive things! You just have to do even the simplest things for yourself, even the silliest things.

 

I am the same age as you and my 3 years relationship ended 2 months ago.

It hurts like hell, I believe it's tough, but fall in love with yourself, someday is going to be the only one you've got.

 

Stay strong man

 

 

Maybe it was destined to happen but I truly thought we loved each other unconditionally. We met when we were young and we both made some mistakes but I believed we had finally reached a good place right around the break up and we were heading the right direction.

 

I doubt it is a rebound. I thought so at first since it took less than 2 weeks to see her holding hands with him but they've been with each other since at least december and I think she is happy. It hurts so bad that I loved her so much and 6 months down I still love and miss her while I was someone who could be thrown out and replaced so easily. That all her talk about love was BS while I meant it.

 

I am working hard on becoming a better and stronger me but it doesn't fill the void I feel nor take away the hurt.

[FortunateSon]

Sounds like breaking up was a good thing, even though it is painful and doesn't feel like it now. I have been there, it will get better especially if you stay no contact. Would you have really wanted to "die for her" now knowing that she could move on in two weeks??

[binrob]

Sounds like breaking up was a good thing, even though it is painful and doesn't feel like it now. I have been there, it will get better especially if you stay no contact. Would you have really wanted to "die for her" now knowing that she could move on in two weeks??

 

I am staying no contact and have no intention on breaking it. She has made it more than clear that she wants nothing to do with me. I do still love her and I would still do everything I could to keep her from getting hurt. That is what I don't understand. How I could still care for a person who has hurt me so much.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so deeply, my friend. My encouragement to you is to take this time to do things that you truly enjoy, or to find new things to do. It sounds like you are taking steps forward by applying for school, which is awesome! Go to the gym, go to your favorite restaurant, watch your favorite movies, read your favorite book, take a weekend trip to a new place... Take care of yourself as you are healing. Remember that you can't control what she has or is going to do but you can control what YOU do. Keep your chin up.

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[binrob]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so deeply, my friend. My encouragement to you is to take this time to do things that you truly enjoy, or to find new things to do. It sounds like you are taking steps forward by applying for school, which is awesome! Go to the gym, go to your favorite restaurant, watch your favorite movies, read your favorite book, take a weekend trip to a new place... Take care of yourself as you are healing. Remember that you can't control what she has or is going to do but you can control what YOU do. Keep your chin up.

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

 

Thank you. I am trying to do things but my options are limited. I work nights and my friends are either studying abroad or in school during the day when I am free from work. It leads to a lot of time alone. I am pushing myself to get on with my life but no matter what I do, at the end of the day, I am not happy and I still miss her with all my heart. It's exhausting. I am tired of feeling terrible. Tired of being sad. Alone. Hurt. But it won't go away. Meanwhile she is off being happy just 2 weeks after and is still happy.

[9aldridges]

I feel your pain my friend, your plight is not all that dissimilar to mine although you had 4 years with this girl at a stage of your life where you have become a man in the process.

 

All I can say is don't rush yourself when it comes to moving on. I have days where I think "I want to find someone to replace her now because she has someone to replace me" but by the next day I've lost interest because I'm not ready. You will see progress soon if you allow yourself time to heal.

 

Try not to dwell too much on the fact she moved on quickly. This is likely to be in large part to her insecurities and her fear of being alone. Many people go from one relationship to another. It's hurtful for those left behind but some people are just wired differently. I've spent months trying to comprehend it but just accept it now as a learning curve that these people do exist!!

 

Good on ya for getting back in the gym! Physical stimulation has helped me feed some of my anger to fuel me to better myself. It's a great release and helps you feel good about yourself.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

 

9

Edited April 15, 2015 by 9aldridges

[binrob]

I feel your pain my friend, your plight is not all that dissimilar to mine although you had 4 years with this girl at a stage of your life where you have become a man in the process.

 

All I can say is don't rush yourself when it comes to moving on. I have days where I think "I want to find someone to replace her now because she has someone to replace me" but by the next day I've lost interest because I'm not ready. You will see progress soon if you allow yourself time to heal.

 

Try not to dwell too much on the fact she moved on quickly. This is likely to be in large part to her insecurities and her fear of being alone. Many people go from one relationship to another. It's hurtful for those left behind but some people are just wired differently. I've spent months trying to comprehend it but just accept it now as a learning curve that these people do exist!!

 

Good on ya for getting back in the gym! Physical stimulation has helped me feed some of my anger to fuel me to better myself. It's a great release and helps you feel good about yourself.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

 

9

 

 

I'm not trying to rush it. I am just so tired of feeling sad and depressed. So tired of not being happy no matter what I do. Tired of missing her. I try not to dwell on how she moved on so quick but I can't help it. I mean I always thought she loved me more than I loved her. But here I am 6 months later, miserable and she is off as happy as ever.

[Sanosuke]

I feel your pain man. Had a situation that was a bit alike. GF ended things with me, started relationship (a day after that!) with a new guy. I contacted her after a month, we got back together. 4 months later I suspected her of cheating on me again, although I still don't know this for sure. She was skyping/chatting with this new guy she met (a supposed friend). Then she ended it again saying she needed time for herself.

 

But I remember in the 4 months we were back together that I also had this feeling that made me pissed off sometimes thinking that she gave herself (sexually) so soon to this new guy. I never actually said anything about this because I didn't want to lose her. I was pretty paranoid during this time. And for a reason..

 

Anyway, now I just convince myself that it wouldn't have turned out so great anyway. A person like that who throws herself at someone else so shortly after a long-term relationship isn't right in the head.. She probably just doesn't want to be alone. Chances are that your ex is probably not even happy with this guy.. It may seem like that to you because you saw her together with another dude, but that says nothing..

And still, you should try not caring about that. She doesn't even deserve someone like you.

 

Just keep focusing on yourself, try to keep busy by surrounding yourself with other people. I notice that alone time for myself is the hardest as well.. And know that at some point you'll meet someone that does care for you as you do for her .

[binrob]

I feel your pain man. Had a situation that was a bit alike. GF ended things with me, started relationship (a day after that!) with a new guy. I contacted her after a month, we got back together. 4 months later I suspected her of cheating on me again, although I still don't know this for sure. She was skyping/chatting with this new guy she met (a supposed friend). Then she ended it again saying she needed time for herself.

 

But I remember in the 4 months we were back together that I also had this feeling that made me pissed off sometimes thinking that she gave herself (sexually) so soon to this new guy. I never actually said anything about this because I didn't want to lose her. I was pretty paranoid during this time. And for a reason..

 

Anyway, now I just convince myself that it wouldn't have turned out so great anyway. A person like that who throws herself at someone else so shortly after a long-term relationship isn't right in the head.. She probably just doesn't want to be alone. Chances are that your ex is probably not even happy with this guy.. It may seem like that to you because you saw her together with another dude, but that says nothing..

And still, you should try not caring about that. She doesn't even deserve someone like you.

 

Just keep focusing on yourself, try to keep busy by surrounding yourself with other people. I notice that alone time for myself is the hardest as well.. And know that at some point you'll meet someone that does care for you as you do for her .

 

I don't know. This guy seems like he has everything she thought I lacked. She seems very happy and the fact that she hasn't reached out just cements the fact that she is happy and has forgotten about me. I have accepted that. Even though I don't understand how she could do what she did.

 

It's hard for me to surround myself with friends all the time. I only have 2-3 close friends and they have studies/jobs/boyfriends and girlfriends of their own. So I end up spending a lot of time alone. I try so hard to do things to improve my life and find happiness but in the end I am still an empty shell. I don't feel like whole. I don't feel happy. I miss her and think about her everyday. I cry at the thought of having lost her. I want to hit myself for lying awake at night sleepless while she is probably sleeping soundly next to this new guy and going on with her life without a single thought about me. Nothing stops the pain. I loved her so much. I really thought she loved me too and not only do I have to cope with her leaving me. I have to cope with knowing what I thought about her wasn't real. I have to cope with her being with someone else. She erased me and replaced me and I'll never know how.

[binrob]

It's now been 7 months. I still hurt everyday. I sometimes cry. I saw her a few weeks ago with her friend shopping and I don't know if she saw me but her friend did and sort of looked over her shoulder in a scared or panicked way. I don't know what she has told everyone to be so afraid of me or whatever. I just can't stop missing her. I'm trying everything but nothing works. Meanwhile she is still with the guy she started dating just a week or two after she broke up with me for the last time. I hate myself for still missing her after 7 months and her having moved in one week.

[aloneinaz]

It's normal to miss what you don't have (a GF to love). What's holding you back from moving on w/your life and dating? Clearly, sitting home alone, lonely thinking about your ex isn't helping you move on.. She did.

 

Why not get pissed at yourself and say "enough"..? You're young and there's a gizzilion women out there looking for love.

 

My advice. Stop any contact w/her. Don't cyber spy. Tell your buddies you don't want to know anything they may see online. Put yourself in social situations to potentially meet another gal to hang out with. It might turn into your next love of your life.

 

DON'T continue to sit at home and sulk about someone who doesn't give a hoot about you.

[binrob]

It's normal to miss what you don't have (a GF to love). What's holding you back from moving on w/your life and dating? Clearly, sitting home alone, lonely thinking about your ex isn't helping you move on.. She did.

 

Why not get pissed at yourself and say "enough"..? You're young and there's a gizzilion women out there looking for love.

 

My advice. Stop any contact w/her. Don't cyber spy. Tell your buddies you don't want to know anything they may see online. Put yourself in social situations to potentially meet another gal to hang out with. It might turn into your next love of your life.

 

DON'T continue to sit at home and sulk about someone who doesn't give a hoot about you.

 

I'm not missing a GF to love. I'm missing her. I am not actively pursuing other women because, frankly, I don't want to. If I find someone then fine, but I'm not going to chase anything. I'm not just sitting at home. If you read my original post you would see that I took steps to start studying for my bachelor. I am now in the best shape of my life (which is saying something since I've been working out since I was 15), I try to be around friends as much as I can.

 

I have not contacted her since january. I am blocked on facebook and her instagram is private. So I am not stalking her in anyway.

[binrob]

My ex and I were together for 4 years. We were eachothers first love and first everything. The full story is here for those who are interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524264-been-6-months-still-hurts-everyday

 

She broke up with me in september, started dating this dude, then we got back together in october only for her to leave me again few weeks later and then get into a relationship with another guy just 2 weeks later and she is still with him to this day.

 

Her birthday is coming up and I thought about writing this.

 

Happy Birthday [name].

I know you probably don't want to hear from me but I just wanted to say happy birthday and that I am glad you are happy. It took me a while and it was hard for me to accept that you didn't love me the way I loved you. But I understand now. You can finally be with someone you truly love and I can find someone who I can love and loves me back. This will be the last you hear from me. I wish you the best. Take care.

 

/binrob

 

I am probably going to end up not sending this and I don't expect an answer. Our break up was just pretty bad with her family getting involved and everything that I kind of just wanted to clear the air. But I can also see how she would take it the wrong way. Juat thought I would get some input. Thanks.

[na49]

Don't send that message.

[binrob]

I most likely won't.

[Plaster]

I think by saying 'I probably won't send it' you know it's not the best idea.

I know it's hard but I really think NC is best. It is hard to accept but if she hasn't contacted you, then it's not what she wants. I am slowly coming to terms with that fact in my situation too.

 

All the best mate.

[jen1447]

Understandable impulse, but don't. It won't have the desired effect and it'll make you look weak.

[TaraMaiden2]

Send it...?

 

No.

 

Oh, and....No.

 

Definitely not.

 

No.

 

I said, in case you didn't get it, No.

 

No.

 

[Methodical]

I agree, do NOT sent a letter. At this point, rather than seeming sweet/caring/or like you have moved on, it'll look like you are using her b-day as an excuse to get a foot in the door or open an old wound.

[BC1980]

I would not sent that as everyone else has said. You even begin the letter with "I know you don't want to hear from me." Why send a letter you know the other person doesn't want to receive?

[Latino4Lyfe]

Like the others above me have stated, please do not send that to her. This past week was my ex's birthday as well and that whole day I was depressed. I did not have any urges to break contact for that, but it was still in my mind. However, to keep myself busy, I just updated my thread here and kept reading and interacting with everyone and I did not break and went on about my business as usual.

 

With that said, when her birthday comes up, just keep busy with something else whether it be work, friends, family, anything. At the end of the day, this was her choice, let her deal with the consequences.

[aloneinaz]

Go ahead and send it and she will think-

 

* OMG, this guy is such a pathetic doche bag!

* You'll only boost her ego

* Any respect she had for you will be gone forever.

 

Have some pride and DON'T send it!