The GIGS got me...

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Possibly a long post here...

 

I was in a 5-year relationship with a woman I thought was "the one". There is an age difference between us of 19 years, but any time I brought this up as an issue I was assured it was not. I had been previously married long ago, and I was very hesitant to give my heart to someone again. Then I met her.

 

We hit it off instantly...we did everything together (which I now realize probably wasn't a good idea), had fun and lots of tender moments. We got engaged about 1 year ago and I bought a house for us.

 

Fast forward to 1 month ago. She was at work and we were were texting back and forth. I said "I miss you" and received "mmhmm" as a response. Uh oh. I asked her what that was supposed to mean and she said she felt we were on different planes and that she wasn't happy. We continued the conversation the next day after she got off of work. She reiterated that she wasn't happy, was bored to death with everything (me, work, life in general), and that she felt she was missing out on something. We cried and cried some more (I admit, I was pretty pathetic at this point. I did not see this coming). She flat out told me that she wanted to date other people as well.

 

At this point, I should bring up that she had been texting and talking to a guy who's "just a friend" (yeah, right). 2 weeks ago, she got an apartment with this guy, even though he doesn't have a job and is a huge mama's boy. He also has a daughter that his parents are raising for him.

 

She took some of her stuff, but her dresser, vanity and bed are still at my house. She keeps coming up with excuses why she can't pick them up. This confuses me...if she's so happy as she seems to be (they are constantly out doing the stuff we used to do), then why won't she get the rest of her stuff? I'm ready to load it all up and dump it at her parents' house.

 

I'm to the point now where I don't want her back, but it's hard to initiate NC if I have to ask her when she's coming to get her stuff. Is this on purpose?

 

P.S.: I've already unfriended and blocked her on FB, but last I checked her status still said Engaged and had my town as her location. She's not the best at updating statuses though, so I don't read anything into it.

 

Sorry this is so long. I had some major venting that needed to be done. I keep thinking of the person she used to be, and it hurts. A lot.

[KBarletta]

I'm to the point now where I don't want her back, but it's hard to initiate NC if I have to ask her when she's coming to get her stuff. Is this on purpose?

 

I would either give her one last chance to get her stuff and then drop it at her parents' house, or contact a friend and have them pick it up for her. Either way, I would do everything in my power to rid yourself of everything that is hers and/or reminds you of her. You are, indeed, a victim of GIGS, its certainly sounds like to me. I feel your pain, as I have been there myself, six months ago.

 

I highly recommend sticking strictly to NC. It sounds to me as if she began this relationship with the OM before she left you but failed to fill you in on that fact. That's just my quick reading of the situation based on having heard many similar stories. I suspect that she will be back some day when the luster wears off her relationship with the new guy, and it will. My hope for you is that you are long over it by then and strong enough to say no.

 

I'd focus on rebuilding your life without her, and even though you said the age difference was not an issue, I would highly recommend finding someone closer to your age. Not that I have any problem with relationships with big age differences, but based on my experience they may start out strong but they do not seem to last.

 

Welcome to LS - good luck to you, and keep posting.

[Ruby65]

I was in a 5-year relationship with a woman I thought was "the one". There is an age difference between us of 19 years, but any time I brought this up as an issue I was assured it was not. I had been previously married long ago, and I was very hesitant to give my heart to someone again. Then I met her.

 

To someone so much younger and inexperienced, it probably didn't seem like an issue to her. (Until it was.)

 

However, being that much older and more experienced, I'd say you only have yourself to blame for getting into a situation which was so clearly destined to fall apart at some point down the line.

 

If you choose to get involved with someone that much younger.... you unfortunately must pay the price of being involved with someone that much younger.

 

Continue your No Contact, make arrangements to get her things out of your house as quickly as possible. Don't read into her actions or look for signs -- just get her stuff out of your house and out of your life.

 

Good luck to you -- and next time, date someone your own age!

[quattrob]

She's leaving it at your place because she disrespects you and is taking advantage of your feelings. And please don't think for a second that she's leaving her belongings behind because she may want you back.. that is really naïve to consider it that way.

 

 

You are also overthinking things (eg. her hometown being still the same as yours).

 

 

When we get dumped or break up when we aren't ready to move on, we tend to overthink and analyze things and then create an illusion that there's hope in the future with our exes.. please try not to do this, it will only add to your suffering.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

She's leaving it at your place because she disrespects you and is taking advantage of your feelings. And please don't think for a second that she's leaving her belongings behind because she may want you back.. that is really naïve to consider it that way.

 

Oh, I completely agree that is what she is doing. I don't have any illusions that she wants me back...her coldness and indifference to me tells me that. Like I said, I was confused as to why she didn't get her stuff. You explained it perfectly. Thank you.

 

Besides, I could care less if she did want me back...I'm not putting myself through this crap again.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

However, being that much older and more experienced, I'd say you only have yourself to blame for getting into a situation which was so clearly destined to fall apart at some point down the line.

 

I know; I kept telling myself it was going to bite me in the end. Unfortunately, the heart and the brain are rarely connected. Not my proudest moment.

[Ruby65]

I know; I kept telling myself it was going to bite me in the end. Unfortunately, the heart and the brain are rarely connected. Not my proudest moment.

 

The heart, the brain... and maybe another organ involved as well?

 

A young girl in her early 20's isn't going to be on the same page as you -- not in terms of making a lasting commitment, not for many years.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

A young girl in her early 20's isn't going to be on the same page as you -- not in terms of making a lasting commitment, not for many years.

 

I realize that now...she was always so responsible and caring of other people's feelings and problems before that I was lulled into thinking she was more mature than she was. She's like the complete opposite now.

 

I know, totally my fault and I accept the responsibility. Doesn't make it much easier, though.

[coryreply]

I realize that now...she was always so responsible and caring of other people's feelings and problems before that I was lulled into thinking she was more mature than she was. She's like the complete opposite now.

 

I know, totally my fault and I accept the responsibility. Doesn't make it much easier, though.

 

Sorry this happened, bro. It hurts. You'll bounce back. Keep your head up.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Thanks to you guys for listening and actually caring enough to respond...I've been putting on a brave face for a while now, so I guess everybody assumes I'm over and done with it. Any time I start talking about it (because I feel like I'll explode if I don't), they just reply "uh huh" and move on to another topic. I'm sure it gets old after a while.

 

It's just nice to be able to talk to people who can relate with what I'm going through.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

The heart, the brain... and maybe another organ involved as well?

 

A young girl in her early 20's isn't going to be on the same page as you -- not in terms of making a lasting commitment, not for many years.

 

I think this is a very generalized statement. Being a girl in her early 20's, I want more than anything to make a lasting commitment with someone. I have no interest dating or "hooking up" as is the new dating now a days.

Edited May 15, 2015 by Ijustdon'tgetit

[SLee]

Vent away, friend. That's what LS is here for.

 

I'm not knocking age differences in dating at all, but from what I've seen, it's usually a mess. I've never done it personally, as I either had a boyfriend and/or knew for a fact that I was not going to be in the same place in life either emotionally or maturity-wise.

 

I have had friends who have done it/do it. Me and my friends are in our early-mid 20s. One friend did that with a guy for a while, but wanted to explore her options and ended it. She's also a notorious serial dater. My other friend is involved with a guy with an 18 year age difference between them and, even thought they're both good people and all, it's a mess. First she was nervous about committing. Now she wants a committed relationship, but he's nervous about it. He's established with a professional career and doesn't want to hold her back. She's just starting out after graduating college. She wants a committed relationship, but he's at the point where he would want to settle down and have children at some point in the future. She's too young for that right now. He's also nervous about what the world would think of him dating someone her age and what not. Basically, it's a mess.

 

Age difference stuff can work, but not when one person is at such a transitional period in their life, like their 20s, for the most part. Not all women in their early 20s are like that. I myself would be happy to be in a serious relationship that was leading towards marriage in a few years. That isn't the case for everyone, and women who are younger will generally be more hesitant to commit, not until they've grown up a bit more.

 

This girl sounds like she wants to be a free spirit and do whatever she wants without being tied down. Not necessarily a bad thing, but hurting people in the process of that is what's wrong. As for her behavior, it's juvenile and childish. Hopefully she'll learn when she's older. Who knows why she won't get her stuff. Maybe having it there means she doesn't have to let go of you completely? Hard to tell with a person who's acting how she's acting.

[aloneinaz]

Here's what I'd do.. Load up ALL her $hit and dump it at her parents. Make sure you go thru your place completely and return all her things. Whether her parents are home or not, I'd DUMP her stuff on their front porch.

 

She clearly lost interest in you and that relationship and has moved on. To disrespect you by USING you to store her stuff till it's convienent for HER to pick them up is BS. I hope you've changed the locks on your place and the garage door opener codes.

 

After you dump her stuff, BLOCK her on everything to include your phone, texts, social media, etc.. GO NC and move on.

 

Personally, it's fun to date much younger girls but I wouldn't even consider living w/one nor getting serious as its doomed to fail unless you look like George Clooney and have his $ lol..

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Here's what I'd do.. Load up ALL her $hit and dump it at her parents. Make sure you go thru your place completely and return all her things. Whether her parents are home or not, I'd DUMP her stuff on their front porch.

 

She clearly lost interest in you and that relationship and has moved on. To disrespect you by USING you to store her stuff till it's convienent for HER to pick them up is BS. I hope you've changed the locks on your place and the garage door opener codes.

 

After you dump her stuff, BLOCK her on everything to include your phone, texts, social media, etc.. GO NC and move on.

 

Personally, it's fun to date much younger girls but I wouldn't even consider living w/one nor getting serious as its doomed to fail unless you look like George Clooney and have his $ lol..

 

I've already blocked her on everything and most of her stuff is piled up in my garage.

 

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have gotten in a relationship with someone so young. But, when you're lonely and a pretty girl shows interest you don't always think straight. I figured if she was going to leave it would have been before 5 years had passed.

 

I'm pretty sure GIGS played a huge role. In her own words, her parents were very strict growing up. She went from there to college and full-time work to me. I understand why it happened I just wish people didn't feel the need to become so cold and cruel after the fact. I've done nothing to deserve that.

[Satu]

Get her stuff out of your place as soon as you can. She using it to keep a hold on you, in case things don't work out with the other man/men. Don't let her do that.

 

*************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

*************************************************

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Get her stuff out of your place as soon as you can. She using it to keep a hold on you, in case things don't work out with the other man/men. Don't let her do that.

 

*************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

*************************************************

 

I definitely plan on getting rid of her stuff ASAP. I also have no plans to be her "backup". I am nobody's second choice.

[aloneinaz]

I've already blocked her on everything and most of her stuff is piled up in my garage.

 

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have gotten in a relationship with someone so young. But, when you're lonely and a pretty girl shows interest you don't always think straight. I figured if she was going to leave it would have been before 5 years had passed.

 

I'm pretty sure GIGS played a huge role. In her own words, her parents were very strict growing up. She went from there to college and full-time work to me. I understand why it happened I just wish people didn't feel the need to become so cold and cruel after the fact. I've done nothing to deserve that.

 

You know, she's very young and never got to sow her oats or enjoy being a young, single female. It was bound to happen.

People can be a-holes when they leave/end a relationship. It's normal and happens all the time. Guys and girls say all sorts of things they mean at the time but time and feelings change.

 

Again, load up her $hit from your place and DUMP it at her parents tonight/tomorrow, first thing. You don't owe her anything, especially storing her things. Worry about you and your needs. One of them shouldn't be feeling that you need to be a free storage space. The sooner you get rid of her stuff and anything else that may remind you of her, the better you will fill.

 

There should be no further need for conversation between the two of you. If she happened to text, call or email cuz something wasn't blocked, IGNORE her. I wouldn't answer the door if she came by either..

[Tayla]

there are three sides, his,hers , and the truth.

Since you are fully in tune with your perspective, lets do the adult thing and have a proper removal of her things. Notice served by sherif that she has thirty days to remove her belongings. Then follow thru.

 

Be well and continue to keep an open heart.

[brokengirl85]

I'm really sorry of what happened to you. You did well blocking her. Just give her stuff and move on.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Thanks again to you guys for posting.

 

Today has been kind of rough. I know she worked last night, and the thought of her getting home and climbing into bed with the other guy is hard to take. I try to get my mind on something else but it's difficult. We're having bad weather today and I'm stuck at the house.

 

On another note I'm about done piling her stuff in the garage. I'm giving her a week to get it or I'm taking it all to her parents' and she can deal with it there.

[Meli22]

How long were you together? I think it's unfair that people break up just because they are bored. Boredom always sets in in rships at some point, which is why we have to work on them once the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Don't we all wish that could last forever. Some people are just incapable of this and feel that once they are bored, it's over and time to seek greener pastures. I'm only going off the info you gave us here, and I was in a similar position. Me and my ex were on a "break" and he got talking to a girl one night and decided to text me to say we were off for good! A few days later he wanted back (they never slept together btw, I know it looks this way but Ive had proof that they never) they just got talking and I think he was obviously interested - a good looking, new girl who he has no emotional ties to and didn't remind him of harder times in relationships. Could be similar with your ex. In that case, you're honestly better off. You want someone who sticks by you through thick and thin. Keep NC and let things play out by themselves.

[minimariah]

I'm ready to load it all up and dump it at her parents' house..

 

do this - as soon as possible.

 

However, being that much older and more experienced, I'd say you only have yourself to blame for getting into a situation which was so clearly destined to fall apart at some point down the line.

 

relationships with a big age difference aren't necessarily destined to fail.

 

If you choose to get involved with someone that much younger.... you unfortunately must pay the price of being involved with someone that much younger.

 

again - relationships with a big age difference aren't necessarily destined to fail. the same thing could've happened with someone who is older (his own age).

 

Good luck to you -- and next time, date someone your own age!

 

let's try this one more time - relationships with a big age difference aren't necessarily destined to fail.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

How long were you together? I think it's unfair that people break up just because they are bored. Boredom always sets in in rships at some point, which is why we have to work on them once the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Don't we all wish that could last forever. Some people are just incapable of this and feel that once they are bored, it's over and time to seek greener pastures. I'm only going off the info you gave us here, and I was in a similar position. Me and my ex were on a "break" and he got talking to a girl one night and decided to text me to say we were off for good! A few days later he wanted back (they never slept together btw, I know it looks this way but Ive had proof that they never) they just got talking and I think he was obviously interested - a good looking, new girl who he has no emotional ties to and didn't remind him of harder times in relationships. Could be similar with your ex. In that case, you're honestly better off. You want someone who sticks by you through thick and thin. Keep NC and let things play out by themselves.

 

We were together for 5 years. Never had fights, enjoyed pretty much the same activities, etc. The thing that gets me is that 2 weeks before we broke up she posted on FB that we needed addresses from friends and family for wedding invitations. We were talking about locations, colors, flowers...the whole deal. Then this. When I asked her about it she said she hoped if she went forward with it that she would feel what she thought she was supposed to feel about getting married but she wasn't.

[No Limit]

The problem with young girls like her is that almost everyone of them doesn't know what they want. They just lack experience. For a woman who has her feet on the ground it would send a chill down her spine to think of a mama's boy with a child he doesn't care about, for her it's "the dream". He'll probably use her for the next 5 years or more but in the end she needs this bad experience so maybe she'll appreciate good relationships in the future. Or maybe she just cycles from one bad guy to the next in case she doesn't develope, but oh well. Not your problem anymore.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I don't know why I did it, but I had a moment of weakness and unblocked her on FB and looked at her page. First picture on there was of the two of them getting pedicures together. I told myself I was stupid for unblocking but I did it anyway. Plus FB won't let me block it again for 48 hours. I also ran into a friend of both of ours who totally disagrees with what she's doing. She said my ex told her I was too much of a homebody. My friend told her that was a stupid reason for throwing everything away like she did. She also told me I was much better off if that's what type of person my ex has become, and I agree.

 

I guess the upside to all of this is that it seems I've entered the anger phase. I want nothing to do with her now, which is exactly where I want to be. I'm tired of the pain.