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My 1st love and 1st breakup


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Hi,

 

I feel like I just need to vent somewhere and hopefully get some advice.

 

So this is my sad story.

 

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 and a half weeks ago, her reason was "she feels like the romance is gone" which I don't completely agree with as I feel she just has the grass is greener on the other side syndrome. We have always had our fights as all couples do, but I always loved her from the bottom of my heart and I know for a fact that she loved me just as much if not more, currently she is 21 and I am 24. after the breakup we agreed to stay friends, which I found extremely difficult to do as I couldn't imagine just being friends with the girl I loved and shared everything with for 5 years.

 

After the 1st week I reached my breaking point and went begging for her to take me back, which I know realize was a big mistake and if anything just pushed her away further. She kept saying stuff like she hasn't given up on us but I should move on.

 

At the 2 week mark we ended up discussing the relationship again and she said she feels very guilty for causing me so much pain, I told her i'm not mad at her I cant force her to be in a relationship with me if she doesn't want to, and that I have said and done what I could to get her back. She then proceeded to ask if I had moved on, which I replied to that it wast easy but I was trying. She then asked if it was ok if she moved on, and I said yes, her reply kind of shocked me as she said that she was still hoping and clinging on to us, yet in the previous 2 weeks any attempt I made to get us back together she rejected.

 

So the next day I told her I had to speak with her and said that I could never only be her friend as I would always want more. So today is day 3 of no contact, but i miss her so much and her friends tell me that she is constantly looking at her phone and saying she misses me as well. I really love this girl and I really want her back but I don't know how to approach the situation as any attempt I have made to save the relationship has been met with rejection.

 

I constantly want to text her that I miss her but I know that would be the wrong thing to do, I know I should probably move on but this is the girl of my dreams, she is perfect in my eyes and I want to marry her one day. I cant imagine my life without her and I cant imagine anyone else ever taking her place.

 

What should I do ?

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oh man your story really hits home for me, I'm in the EXACT same situation, except now I'm 6 months post breakup. My ex was also my first love, first RS, same age difference, shes 20, im 23 and we also were in a relationship for 5 years. Almost the same reasoning for breaking up, she would say theres no more passion left or w/e but ultimately used the excuse that her parents aren't ok with my religion thats why we have to breakup.

 

I'm sorry to tell you but in most these situations, whether it be GIGS or w/e its cuz she has her eye on someone else and that guy has started to show interest in her also. Thats pretty much what happened with mine. She started "dealing" with this guy pretty much weeks after we broke up and they started officially dating within a couple months from what i hear.

 

I know how you feel bro, I really loved this girl, still do and i also wanted to marry her one day. But sometimes you just have to let go, I'm still having a tough time doing it, save yourself the heartache and your dignity and go NC ASAP and stick to it. I kept breaking it within the first month of us breaking up but its been about 5 months NC for me and it does help. Sure i still miss her and still wish she would come back around but the truth is it may never happen. Sometimes i just think that she needs to be in this other relationship to realize how good we were together and that no other guy would treat her the way I did but she's gonna have to pass the honeymoon stage for that and to be honest idk if i would want her back after that.

 

Be prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions my friend, I'm not gonna lie its a tough road ahead but only you have the power to make it easy on yourself. DO NOT contact her, focus on yourself, do things you couldn't while you were in the relationship, hit the gym, find a hobby, talk to friends and post on here. Over time it will get easier (speaking from experience) goodluck buddy.

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This is what you do. If you don't listen to this advice you are going to make this entire situation 100x worse for yourself, unnecessarily.

Remove her from your life from this moment on. Treat her like she has died. I'm completely serious here. Remove her from all social media, block her, delete her number. This is the ONLY way you will move on, it's the ONLY way you will be able to eventually bury the natural hope that you have of getting back together with her. You have to actively remove her from your world - the idea is for you to forget about her gradually. With her out of your life you will need to mourn, grieve for as long as you need but you will eventually begin to forget, the pain will subside, and you will be able to properly let go and start healing. I promise that this will only occur with you actively disappearing and becoming a ghost to her. NO contact in ANY form, permanently.

 

She's not in the same state as you - nowhere near it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you she's upset. She's not upset, she's relieved and excited to get on with the next chapter of her life. She didn't just spontaneously dump you - she detached most likely months ago and has had time to grieve and move on - she did this DURING your relationship. She's got a headstart on you - but you will catch up. You have to follow this advice or you're in for a serious world of pain. It will get better, but you have to take the necessary steps to allow it to get better.

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Hi Geronimo,

 

Thanks for the reply,

 

I don't think that there is currently someone she has her eye on but I think she thinks that there might be someone better than me, but like you said for her to realize that there actually isn't anyone who treats and understands her like I do she 1st has to be in other relationships, and like you said im not sure I would take her back after that.

 

But man it hurts, I wish I could turn back time and maybe do some stuff differently maybe I wouldn't have lost her, I am constantly thinking of her and looking for reasons to blame myself for what happened.

 

Im really not sure I will ever find someone with all her good qualities and that really makes me very sad, I really never thought I would lose her...

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Hi Hunk,

 

I realize that I will eventually have to do this, but I dont think I am ready to give up on her yet, I know this girl inside and out and I know that she is just as heartbroken about this whole thing as I am, I still have hope that if I just give her some space say for the next 2 weeks she will come back to me and realize she has made a mistake. I will do my best not to contact her at all, thus far I have not cracked but man its not easy, I feel like a part of me has died.

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What do you mean give up on her? What are you talking about? She ended it with YOU. She gave up on you, a long time ago. She's not coming back, not any time soon. She's not heartbroken. If she was so heartbroken you'd be back together - it's not complicated, she hasn't dumped you for no reason and thought "oh, well now i'm heartbroken, i have no idea why i did that, i guess i just need to move on though". She's RELIEVED, not heartbroken. If there was anything left for her, anything at all, she wouldn't have broken up with you. She was done, it was all gone, the feelings were gone, all she feels now is sadness for YOU being so sad, she still cares and loves you, and her heartbreak most likely comes from seeing you upset. She doesn't want to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore and she's relieved and healing. Yes she'll be upset, she was with you for 5 years and it didn't work out. But she ultimately ended it, and she didn't HAVE to end it - you guys could've stayed together forever - she wanted to end it because it wasn't what she wanted anymore. To think that she broke up with you and is now heartbroken and is going to come back anytime soon is ludicrous. She did it for a reason.

 

I'm giving you tough love here by the way. This is the only advice that will benefit you.

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Its gonna hurt man trust me, especially since it was your first and it was a long one. I know, I'm still hurting, but link Hunk said the only real way to do it is to remove her from your life. I did that late, my ex broke up with me in Oct, i was in denial like you, kept talking, seeing her, heard her bs about her loving me and how sad she is about the breakup until Nov when we finally decided that this can't keep going on like this and went NC. She had another guy the whole time and like Hunk has said she was detaching from the relationship months before even tho she didn't let on as if she was.

 

I deleted her off everything before new years cuz I knew she wasn't coming back and that she's happy in her new relationship or w/e it was back then. Trust me you will save yourself alot of heartache and headache by doing that. I was obsessed with checking her social media and everything up until i finally deleted her and thats when my real healing began.

 

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm fully over her, cuz I'm not and i still do wish that maybe one day she comes back, even if i dont take her back. Truth is none of that may happen and you just have to accept the situation and move on, somethings aren't meant to last, and this was both our first relationships, im sure we'll find better girls who are more compatible and will forget all about our ex's. We just have put them on a pedestal because we have nothing to compare them to.

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What you guys are saying hurts and I dont want to hear it, but ultimately you are right, there is no use holding on to something that no longer exists, I will maintain the no contact and I am sure that I will be able to, but right now I just cant look past her and see myself with someone better, I have ways planned my future with her in it and right now I dont even know where to begin looking for the right girl for me seeing as it clearly was not her.

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Yea im sorry man, it hurts but sometimes the truth does hurt. You're in no position to be looking for someone else right now, you need to take time to yourself to heal completely before you can do that, its no fun to be dating/dragging someone else along when you're not completely over your ex. Trust me im speaking from experience.

 

Focus on yourself, I know what you mean by not knowing what to do since you always planned your future with her in it, I did the same and I was so lost and so hurt thinking I could have done so many things differently or whenever things/dates would come up where we were supposed to do something together it would kill me. Its a process. it will take time and it sucks. Right now you just gotta focus on yourself, be as selfish as possible because its not possible to be selfish in a relationship. You gotta find happiness on your own before you can go out and be happy with someone else. Be independant again and thats the hardest thing to do, emotionally for us guys, once we open up to that level and have that emotional connection and dependancy with someone we become really vulnerable. So take this time to now build on that and build on yourself. Create goals, getting in shape, building your career, going to grad school, whatever it is focus on yourself and thats the only way you will heal.

 

I wouldn't recommend dating, but if thats what you need to do, get that physical aspect then go ahead. It didn't help me at all, made it worse cuz it made me miss my ex even more, since i was comparing these girls to her.

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Hi Geronimo,

 

Thanks for the reply,

 

I don't think that there is currently someone she has her eye on but I think she thinks that there might be someone better than me, but like you said for her to realize that there actually isn't anyone who treats and understands her like I do she 1st has to be in other relationships, and like you said im not sure I would take her back after that.

 

But man it hurts, I wish I could turn back time and maybe do some stuff differently maybe I wouldn't have lost her, I am constantly thinking of her and looking for reasons to blame myself for what happened.

 

Im really not sure I will ever find someone with all her good qualities and that really makes me very sad, I really never thought I would lose her...

 

Dude you cannot know what is in someones heart. I tell yourself you don't think she had her eye someone else but how do you know. In my past relationship which ended almost 2 months ago, I used to discuss my relationship with my buddies.

 

I knew my Ex liked attention so much but the one thing i believed in my heart 100 freaking percent was that she would never cheat on me, NEVER. I believe i had a higher chance of cheating than she did.

 

Long story short, she was having an 8 month long affair....there you have it

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I don't believe someone just detaches from a relationship without fighting for it. If that happens there is definitely a helping hand (OM/OW). Why do i say this? because it hurts and if you did not see the hurt then its because they had someone else to brighten up their day.

 

They have someone else that is why they have the confidence to give it to you straight up because they are not thinking about you. They are thinking about the freedom they are about to have to pursue without fear, shame and guilt.

 

It kinda like a jewelry thief stealing gems worth 100s millions and hiding it. They give him 10 years and he doesn't care because he know when he gets out he will be made for life.

Edited by towch
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You guys are right, I guess only time will tell if there really was someone else, these things tend to come out at some point. But i think Geronimo is right i have to be selfish for a change, i have always put her wants and needs above my own and its time that changes, i really dont think i will date for a while even though im afraid i may never get someone again, but i do like the gym idea. I have always been a firm beleiver of things happening for a reason, it might not always be clear right away but im hoping one day i will look back at this time in my life and be thankful for it, because what i got out of it afterwatds was so much more rewarding. I just really hope that is the case.

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Just an update, Im feeling slightly better today, i also slept better and i dont feel the urge to constantly check my phone to see whether or not she is online or has left me a message.

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this will come and go ... sometimes you will feel better sometimes you will feel bad .. sometimes you are feeling so much in love still ..and a second later you are full of the world's Hate ! .. get ready to ride on the roller coaster ! But eventually you will be ok ..

As someone here in the forum once said .. have faith in the River of Lethe .. you will be alright .. cuz we all have been there and still alive replying to you ..

This will pass Believe me :)

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Thanks HeBa,

 

Im looking forward to the day im completely over her and can get on with my life and actually meet the girl im going to marry one day.

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I just want to thank everyone that has responded to my posts here, i feel you have all really helped me make progress the last 2 days.

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Update: So last night I had a nightmare that my Ex was seeing someone else, and I spent the rest of the night laying awake in bed. Not a very good start to day 5 of no contact...

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you are welcome Allirian :) ..

 

you need to start an activity As Hunk Said my friend why don't you go to the Gym? .. or find something that you always wanted to do and do it .. its pretty early i know

and i really pray for ur survival ..1st week is the hardest ..take your time to be sad and cry if you want to .. come here and vent your thoughts .. moreover read others stories and try to relate to them .. dont spend time alone ..and on top of all don't let your thoughts eat you.

 

NC means blocking everything related to your ex even thoughts if u can do it , i know its easier said than done .. but you have to try ..you have to stop yourself just tell yourself Stop and get yourself to do anything else ..

 

act like you are running away from something scares you ..

 

Good Luck :)

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Update: So last night I had a nightmare that my Ex was seeing someone else, and I spent the rest of the night laying awake in bed. Not a very good start to day 5 of no contact...

 

Your brain is just trying to help you process the breakup while you sleep, so sometimes you'll still dream about her. After a while, it stops.

 

Google "melatonin" to help you sleep. My teenage son uses it and I swear by it to help me fall asleep -- and stay asleep -- sometimes. It really works!

 

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is exercise. It helps with depression, appetite, sleep, all of it. The endorphins really will help you feel better -- works as good as an anti-depressant.

 

Also, you really should consider changing your number or blocking her on your phone so you're not always hoping for texts and calls. It's hard to do but it makes a huge difference.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

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Hi Hunk,

 

I realize that I will eventually have to do this, but I dont think I am ready to give up on her yet, I know this girl inside and out and I know that she is just as heartbroken about this whole thing as I am, I still have hope that if I just give her some space say for the next 2 weeks she will come back to me and realize she has made a mistake. I will do my best not to contact her at all, thus far I have not cracked but man its not easy, I feel like a part of me has died.

 

I believed the same things with my ex-girlfriend and first love of 3.5 years. She told me the exact same things and told me that she is just as heartbroken as I am. 1 month later, still no word or hint from her. I am losing my hope but at the same time I am deeply in love with her and feel like I could wait for her forever. I am giving her all the space she ever wanted, but still NO SIGN of her.

 

It just sucks how one day you can be the best of couples and the next minute, she is breaking up with you out of the blue and everything you have ever worked for has gone to shatters. It's hard to let go. I don't think I will ever let go of her personally and if she wants to get back, I think I would take her back. Despite the fact that she wasn't the nicest girlfriend in the world to me, I just have this soft spot in my heart for her and I am pretty sure you do too for your ex-girlfriend.

 

Even when you focus on your own ambitions and pathways in life, she does still manage to creep into your head and wreck havoc for your emotions. It's tough but I guess eventually we just have to learn to cope.

 

Let me know how you go buddy. Stay strong and hang in there, we're in this together.

 

PS. for the record when I was in the first 2 weeks of NC I was also experiencing the aforementioned nightmares that you are having. I think at the moment they are gone, but there is still a dull ache in me when I think about her.

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I signed up to a local gym today and am starting on Saturday, I'm quite looking forward to the experience and meeting new people and hopefully making new friends. I have to also confess that even though I have made no contact with my ex for the past 5 days I have not deleted her number or removed her from my Facebook, but I really DON'T feel the urge to constantly check her profile or check if shes online on Whatsapp, the only thing that I am afraid of is the shock when I eventually she her with another guy which at some point in time will happen.

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I signed up to a local gym today and am starting on Saturday, I'm quite looking forward to the experience and meeting new people and hopefully making new friends. I have to also confess that even though I have made no contact with my ex for the past 5 days I have not deleted her number or removed her from my Facebook, but I really DON'T feel the urge to constantly check her profile or check if shes online on Whatsapp, the only thing that I am afraid of is the shock when I eventually she her with another guy which at some point in time will happen.

 

Same goes for me here man. I think I either want to be:

A) happy with myself in the things I do without worrying about her when that point happens

B) with someone else that I am in love with

C) acceptance of the fact that this is the best thing for her and it is what makes her happy therefore I will be happy for her

 

Do you think this mindset is a good way to think about it?

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Same goes for me here man. I think I either want to be:

A) happy with myself in the things I do without worrying about her when that point happens

B) with someone else that I am in love with

C) acceptance of the fact that this is the best thing for her and it is what makes her happy therefore I will be happy for her

 

Do you think this mindset is a good way to think about it?

 

I agree, I know everyone says that you need to break ALL connections to your Ex but I loved this girl, I still do, the day I die I will probably still love her. I'm not mad at her for what shes done and the pain she is causing me, so to me it feels wrong to just shut her out of my life and forget and deny her existence. I really do intent to keep NC but I believe I can do it while keeping my values intact.

 

The day I do see her with another guy I suppose I will just have to suck it up and get over it.

 

I know my "The One" is still out there and that gives me hope.

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Sorry, but you won't love this girl until the day you die. :)

 

Go ahead and block her on Facebook! Very important. It will greatly delay your healing if you don't block her -- and all mutual friends, for now.

 

You're not "shutting her out" or "denying her existence".... you're looking after yourself. You need to limit exposure right now so you can heal.

 

Go ahead and do it! It really helps.

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