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Ex-Girlfriend Still haunts me a year later after break up :(


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Latino4Lyfe

Hello everyone, this is my very first post to the forums, however I have been browsing on here for about 9 months now reading the stories from everybody and trying to cope. I figured it was time for me to post mine so here goes(I apologize if the post is long and thank you to everyone that actually reads it all lol). My ex and I were dating for a little over a year which unfortunately ended bad in January 2014. Overall we have known each other a little over 10 years. She has had sort of a bad past with alcohol, drugs, and infidelity/sex before I met up with her last year and started dating.

 

The entire year the relationship has been very hard a lot due to those negative habits that she has as unlike what she has been through, I do not use alcohol drugs and I am very loyal to the women I date no matter what. Throughout her time with me, I had noticed that she had begun to slowly change her life around in a more positive way a lot due to my positive way of life. Even her family gained full acceptance for me which from what I heard was a big surprise. However, there has been numerous cases in which the drugs, alcohol and former exes/sex buddies have gotten in the way and her habits overpowering the relationship. There were many times in which I tried to consult with her and try to help her, but she mainly just denies what she does or twists things around to think that she is okay or that I am the one with the issues. She is a very good girl and I do still want to spend the rest of my life with her and she does love me too but her habits and behavior have been too much. She broke up with me over the phone back in January 2014 over reasons that to this day make no sense whatsoever and two months later calls me up and basically "friend zones" me.

 

Now normally, in the past with my other exes I would have just simply moved on and forgotten about her. But with her, things are just different. Throughout that year, while she friendzoned me and I was trying to move on, her life started going downhill again. She was fired from the job I got her(which she claims she quit even though everyone that worked with her were close with me and told me of what happened), she was struggling with her mother's car and ended up purchasing an even worse broken down car from some random guy "claiming" to want to help her, she was taking life advice from a random group of people that pretty much made things worse than they already were.

 

It was not until I had to step in(I know very dumb of me) due to feeling a little sorry for her and also as a favor to her mother who has been very good to me that I went and helped her with her resume and have her look for another job and also assist her with giving her rides to the job as it was close to mine. She eventually started getting back on her feet with my help and support and a part of me was hoping that she would start realizing her mistake.

 

Unfortunately, a few months later when she got another job(with the help of me updating her resume), she had begun dating some other guy and literally left me hanging at an asian restaurant for lunch in which we were meeting to help her prepare for the new job in favor of going out for drinks with this guy.

 

I did not hear from her again until this past January, in which her and her mother called me stating that she was in trouble with the new guy because she had purchased his old used car and he was stalking her and causing harm and embarrassment to the point where he took it to her own mother's house with her whole family there and started yelling and causing riot to the point where a restraining order was set up(in case anyone is wondering, I know all this because her mother told me when it happened).

 

All in all, over the past 2 years this has just been driving me crazy. Despite all of this happening, I still love her and deep down I want her back by my side. All while she is having all this chaos, I'm here still working hard at my job being successful. Only stress I have in my life is making sure my family is taken care of as my parents have illness. Does anyone have any advice? I have a lot more to say, but I do not want to keep typing and making this longer than it is. Again, thank you to those that actually read this.

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HeartOfAPhoenix

You are allowing yourself to be strung along. Read about No Contact, there is a full guide on this forum. You need to seriously let go and let her take care of herself, it's her life. If she makes poor decisions that's on her, not you.

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Latino4Lyfe

Thank you for replying Heart. I read the guide of NC that is pinned(which is very well done btw) and even though it is difficult, I am trying my best to not contact her or do anything by any means. I've done a lot of what NC suggest, I have been spending more time with my buddies, I work out 2-3 times a week, and have gone on several dates with other girls and mingled. But at the end of the day, she is still in my head and it just hurts that she would rather be spending her time doing things that have negative consequences as opposed to being with someone that is established, pure hearted, that loves her for HER and not be taking advantage of her and all in all wanting to set up a great life and family. Very sad :(.

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HeartOfAPhoenix

You can't stay in the water and expect to dry off. You being around and in contact with her has set back your healing. As much as you want her and want to help her, you need to step away if you want to heal. The biggest hurdle of healing is getting to a point where you WANT to heal.

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Latino4Lyfe

You are right, I do wish to heal and fully bounce back from this and get to the point of starting. At the end of the day, I know my worth and as many others have mentioned through the past 2 years, it is ultimately her loss and mistake even if she does not see it nor admit to it at this time. As I mentioned before, it is difficult but I will do my best to not answer her nor attempt to do anything the next time she decides to contact me. Thank you again for replying Heart. If anyone else has more advice or comments, please do not hesitate :).

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It sounds like this girl would just drag you down anyway. You can't fix some people. She will come around again when she needs you and take off again.find a girl who allready has her **** together

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Latino4Lyfe
It sounds like this girl would just drag you down anyway. You can't fix some people. She will come around again when she needs you and take off again.find a girl who allready has her **** together

 

Thank you for the reply gnick, I have gone on several dates with other girls that honestly did have their heads on more straight than my ex did. However, at the end of the day my heart still goes out to her and with her randomly contacting me "as a friend", just makes it more difficult.

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Simon Phoenix

Came and found this thread after you commented in Maverick's thread. You say you are doing a lot of what the No Contact guide says. Well, you are ignoring the one thing in the No Contact guide that you have to do for it to be effective. Basically, you are a recovering alcoholic who says that are doing all of the other parts of the AA recovery program while enjoying the occasional beer, which inevitably turns into a bender.

 

I mean, you have made yourself into an extreme doormat. She's not your girlfriend, she's not your friend and you aren't her savior. The day she broke up with you is the day that she stopped having you there to "help" her. So stop helping her. She doesn't respect you for it -- she thinks you are a spineless sap and has no inclination to ever date you again. Because there's no reason for her to do so. Why pay for the meal when someone will just give it to you for free?

 

You need to exhibit some self-control, either by not answering or by blocking her so she can't contact you. She thinks you're weak, and, no offense, she's right. It's time for you to strap it up, be a man, let this woman finally deal with the ramifications of her decision to break up with you, and start to recover. What you've been doing for the last year sucks so much. Stop.

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Latino4Lyfe
Came and found this thread after you commented in Maverick's thread. You say you are doing a lot of what the No Contact guide says. Well, you are ignoring the one thing in the No Contact guide that you have to do for it to be effective. Basically, you are a recovering alcoholic who says that are doing all of the other parts of the AA recovery program while enjoying the occasional beer, which inevitably turns into a bender.

 

I mean, you have made yourself into an extreme doormat. She's not your girlfriend, she's not your friend and you aren't her savior. The day she broke up with you is the day that she stopped having you there to "help" her. So stop helping her. She doesn't respect you for it -- she thinks you are a spineless sap and has no inclination to ever date you again. Because there's no reason for her to do so. Why pay for the meal when someone will just give it to you for free?

 

You need to exhibit some self-control, either by not answering or by blocking her so she can't contact you. She thinks you're weak, and, no offense, she's right. It's time for you to strap it up, be a man, let this woman finally deal with the ramifications of her decision to break up with you, and start to recover. What you've been doing for the last year sucks so much. Stop.

 

Thank you for your reply and honesty Simon. You are right, while I have been doing some parts of No Contact, I've not fully invested into it and applied myself, hence why I am still being a doormat to her which makes me feel even worse. So far it has been 4 days since I last heard from her. It's time for me to quit delaying what I should've done the moment she decided to end things. I have not contacted her and as hard as it is, I will damn make sure that I do not answer her when she decides to contact me.

 

Chances are, she will most like start asking questions as to why I am all of a sudden ignoring her, but it was bound to happen. Time for me to wake up and show my worth.

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Simon Phoenix
Thank you for your reply and honesty Simon. You are right, while I have been doing some parts of No Contact, I've not fully invested into it and applied myself, hence why I am still being a doormat to her which makes me feel even worse. So far it has been 4 days since I last heard from her. It's time for me to quit delaying what I should've done the moment she decided to end things. I have not contacted her and as hard as it is, I will damn make sure that I do not answer her when she decides to contact me.

 

Chances are, she will most like start asking questions as to why I am all of a sudden ignoring her, but it was bound to happen. Time for me to wake up and show my worth.

 

You realize that by blocking her number you can avoid the "should I pick up?" decision, don't you. It's a valuable tool, especially when self-control isn't your thing.

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Latino4Lyfe
You realize that by blocking her number you can avoid the "should I pick up?" decision, don't you. It's a valuable tool, especially when self-control isn't your thing.

 

Yes, I understand lol. I have gone ahead and just blocked it on my iphone. I also went ahead and just deleted her text messages too so I don't get any funny ideas. No worries for social media, as that is one thing I did when she first broke it off was delete her off FB(I don't have twitter or instagram or anything else).

 

I know I should have done this a long time ago, and at this rate I know I should not care about what she will think or do once she sees that she can no longer contact me, but what do you think will happen once she does?

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Simon Phoenix
Yes, I understand lol. I have gone ahead and just blocked it on my iphone. I also went ahead and just deleted her text messages too so I don't get any funny ideas. No worries for social media, as that is one thing I did when she first broke it off was delete her off FB(I don't have twitter or instagram or anything else).

 

I know I should have done this a long time ago, and at this rate I know I should not care about what she will think or do once she sees that she can no longer contact me, but what do you think will happen once she does?

 

First of all, she'll wonder when you grew a set of balls. After that, who knows. The most likely occurrence is one of two things: A) she lets you be in a fit of defiance or b) she tries to work around it to tug at you again and get you back to being the emotional tampon role that she has you in. Hopefully it's a, but if it's b you can't fold like a wet piece of cardboard.

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I don't mean to be critical, but you can't do part of no contact. It really is all or nothing.

 

**************************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

**************************************************************

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Latino4Lyfe
First of all, she'll wonder when you grew a set of balls. After that, who knows. The most likely occurrence is one of two things: A) she lets you be in a fit of defiance or b) she tries to work around it to tug at you again and get you back to being the emotional tampon role that she has you in. Hopefully it's a, but if it's b you can't fold like a wet piece of cardboard.

 

Oh no worries, so far I've been ok the past 4 days and with doing this and keeping busy this weekend(have a date tomorrow and spending time with family Sunday) I should be good. I will not go back to being her lap dog while she goes off and does whatever.

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Latino4Lyfe
I don't mean to be critical, but you can't do part of no contact. It really is all or nothing.

 

**************************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

**************************************************************

 

No worries Satu, thank you for replying. I know, it was mainly my foolishness and feelings for her getting in the way of not doing 100% No Contact. As I've stated earlier in the thread, this will be difficult, but I gotta do it.

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Latino4Lyfe

Hey guys, just thought I'd provide an update as I just got back from a date with someone. All in all, the date went good, was very basic lol. We went to see The Avengers which we both enjoyed and then had dinner. She wants to see me again sometime this week so we shall see.

 

However, I'm not going to lie, even though I had a good date with someone else new today, my ex is still in my head :(. No, I have not contacted her and so far I've not received any random messages or calls from anywhere from her. Does anyone have any advice on trying to keep these thoughts of her at bay so I can move on. I've gone on several dates with girls and these girls are quite a step up, but it would not be fair to any one of them if I'm spending time with them, but I'm thinking of my ex :(.

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Latino4Lyfe

Ok so it's Monday, so far it's been several days since I last heard of my ex about anything. Still have her blocked, and I have no urge to do take any action, but I'm just a little depressed. This week is going to be tough for me as not only was yesterday Mother's Day(she has a daughter from a previous relationship) but this week is her birthday too :(. Last I checked, she currently does not celebrate holidays and birthdays because they're too "commercial" or whatever weird excuse she has now. But the first birthday I celebrated with her a couple of years back, I did what I could to make it special for her despite whatever weird thoughts she has on the world and we did the same for my birthday and her daughter's birthday the month after. Hell, her mom demanded that I be present for her birthday back then too and this was just after I won her family over from all the other guys my ex tried to introduce to them in the past...It's a real shame that that can no longer be :(. Why must the world be cruel to those that wish to go above and beyond for their significant others, only to have their significant others throw us away like garbage to go after actual garbage? It's not fair :(

 

Thank God for you guys and this forum, If I had not been reading around and keeping up with you guys, I would still be going after her every need only to be further screwed :(. I know this will eventually pass, I just wish I can know what the future will hold for me. Will I eventually find love with a better girl, or by some miracle will she fully come back? Only time will tell.

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Simon Phoenix
Hey guys, just thought I'd provide an update as I just got back from a date with someone. All in all, the date went good, was very basic lol. We went to see The Avengers which we both enjoyed and then had dinner. She wants to see me again sometime this week so we shall see.

 

However, I'm not going to lie, even though I had a good date with someone else new today, my ex is still in my head :(. No, I have not contacted her and so far I've not received any random messages or calls from anywhere from her. Does anyone have any advice on trying to keep these thoughts of her at bay so I can move on. I've gone on several dates with girls and these girls are quite a step up, but it would not be fair to any one of them if I'm spending time with them, but I'm thinking of my ex :(.

 

That's completely normal. You have to be careful about dating when you're in recovery because dates with other people can be triggers. And lets face it, even though you are over a year removed from the actual breakup, you are in the early stages of recovery because you delayed the process by staying in contact.

 

I'd chill on the dating for a while. Don't use other people to try to heal the wound.

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Latino4Lyfe

So it's my ex's birthday today and been a week and a half with no contact and have no intention of breaking. Honestly, I've been doing nothing but keeping busy all week. I feel a little better but still upset about everything these past 2 years. Had everything worked out, I would be delivering a huge bouquet of flowers and treats to her at her job and have a special evening planned for when she got off. Instead, it is just another work day for me, and I'm just going to have a quiet night at home and start a fresh day tomorrow.

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Latino4Lyfe

Well, her birthday has come and gone. I did not break nor receive any random messages from any random phone number about her. NC is still intact :), hopefully I can keep this up.

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Latino4Lyfe

Well, after 2 weeks of NC, I get a text from a random number and it's her...and while at first I didn't know who it was, so I replied and lo and behold it's the ex. Here's what happened:

 

Her: "Hey I don't know what's going on, but I have an emergency, it's really bad, I need help."

 

Me obviously alerted that it's someone crying for help or something because they stated it was an emergency, I replied:

 

Me: "Who is this? What is going on?"

 

Her: It's (Ex's name), Look, I would not ask if it was not extremely important, But can I borrow some money to pay my electric bill? I went out on Friday and Saturday and ended up spending more than I should, and my mom just called saying that the power just got shut off...This is really bad, can you please help me? If you can't or won't, I'm fine with it."

 

At this point, I just have a blank/stupid look on face staring at the phone asking myself "Really???, can't believe I fell for that. I just went ahead and replied:

 

Me: "Sorry to hear that, but I cannot do anything at this time. Have a good day." and that was the end of it. She has some nerve...Now if anyone tells me of an "emergency" I'm gonna be all skeptical and it may actually be an emergency lol. What do you guys think? Let me know your thoughts please.

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Simon Phoenix
Well, after 2 weeks of NC, I get a text from a random number and it's her...and while at first I didn't know who it was, so I replied and lo and behold it's the ex. Here's what happened:

 

Her: "Hey I don't know what's going on, but I have an emergency, it's really bad, I need help."

 

Me obviously alerted that it's someone crying for help or something because they stated it was an emergency, I replied:

 

Me: "Who is this? What is going on?"

 

Her: It's (Ex's name), Look, I would not ask if it was not extremely important, But can I borrow some money to pay my electric bill? I went out on Friday and Saturday and ended up spending more than I should, and my mom just called saying that the power just got shut off...This is really bad, can you please help me? If you can't or won't, I'm fine with it."

 

At this point, I just have a blank/stupid look on face staring at the phone asking myself "Really???, can't believe I fell for that. I just went ahead and replied:

 

Me: "Sorry to hear that, but I cannot do anything at this time. Have a good day." and that was the end of it. She has some nerve...Now if anyone tells me of an "emergency" I'm gonna be all skeptical and it may actually be an emergency lol. What do you guys think? Let me know your thoughts please.

 

I think you handled it fine. I wouldn't have asked about the emergency and just ignored once you knew it was her, but I think your response was pretty darn good. Short, succinct, to the point and close-ended. You finally stood your ground.

 

I'm going to guess that she's going to continue to tug at you a bit. But congrats for showing some backbone on this one.

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sober and dry

That was good! Very long text for my taste but nonetheless, well said. Stick to NC and keep on that mind set ;)

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Latino4Lyfe

Thank you guys, yeah I'm doing my best to stay away. Honestly, after receiving that text I feel a little disgusted by reading that. All I basically read was a 26 year old girl telling me that blowing whatever money she had on who knows what over the weekend rather than saving up and paying her actual bills was more important and of course instead of taking responsibility, she goes to me to clean up the mess. SMH very sad, but like Kermit said, it's none of my business lol.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Latino4Lyfe

Hey guys, so figured I would provide an update. Well after my last encounter with my ex, she finally manages to make her way to contacting me again from another number. Now I know a lot will most likely tell me to change my phone number, unfortunately due to some family health issues occurring, I am unable to up and change it at this time as it would be too much of a hassle.

 

Anyways, she ends up calling me crying now, here is what happened:

 

Her: "Hey, it's me, look I know your probably ignoring me because I'm so messed up but I really need someone to talk to. I just went to the dentist's office today and they told me I had a broken tooth where if I don't get it fixed I'm going to end up losing it, just like the other one I had. I don't have the money and my credit is really ****ty right now so I can't get a pay plan or anything."

Me: "Let me guess...you want me to "help" you pay for it don't you? Look I'm at work, I don't have time for this right now."

Her: "Look I'm sorry that I'm such a screw up and I know I need to get my life together. I wish you and I could be more, but our lifestyles are way too different, we are way too different. But either way, we both mean something to each other."

 

At this point, I'm just like FML, this girl is just full of BS. I just go and end it with:

 

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am at work. Let me call you back."

 

I never called back and blocked this number too. Jeez man, like in general I do feel bad that a new issue popped up because of her life choices but at the end of the day, this is not my responsibility and she chose this herself. Anyways, let me know what you guys think of her words, actions, anything. Thanks guys.

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