He ended the relationship out of nowhere and I can't understand why.

[Ashurii]

I remember posting on loveshack way back when, and I really hate being back due to the circumstances.

 

I started dating this guy August of 2014. It was long distance, but we managed well, and we talked all the time. We communicated well--whenever we got into a disagreement, we were able to settle it. Sometimes I got overheated and had to chill for an hour, but overall we were great, and I got better at handling my emotions. The last time I saw him was in December and again in March, when I stayed with him for just over a week each time.

 

I'm going to be a student this Fall and I was going to move and attend a school close to him, and he's a Biology major who graduates in a few days. Things have been going well lately, it wasn't even a week ago he told me how much he appreciated me being there for him despite his being stressed and how I was his best friend and his anchor. Both of us tend to be more of the loner type--we get along with people, but we were only really close with each other.

 

This past week he's been more stressed lately, due to exams and no job lined up for after graduation. I did my best to be supportive, and I didn't pressure him on either of those, and I had faith his mood would pick up in time.

 

He called me while on break at the lab tonight, and out of nowhere he told me he wasn't happy anymore. That he wasn't happy in the relationship and wanted to be alone. I was crying and we hung up, and continued texting. He kept telling me he was fine other than our 'circumstances,' that something felt 'off' and that he was stressed and it all came to a head with him. He couldn't clarify further than that, and when I calmed down I asked to talk about how he felt in more detail and he just kept repeating that he wanted to be alone. I asked if I could still have him in my life, to talk every so often and see how we're doing, and at first he asked if I could do that then said he couldn't do that.

 

And that's how it ended, with a bunch of questions. That it's 'off' and he wants to be alone. What happened to us always being there for each other? Being each other's best friend and anchor? Even now I keep hoping he'll call me soon, and we can work things out.

 

Hope is a really vicious thing, but so is the feeling of completely losing your faith in trusting someone again over something like this.

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, if he breaks up out of the blue with no clear reason and doesn't want to continue contact after the breakup, it usually means there's someone else and he's trying to hide it from you.

 

When someone says they "just want to be alone".... that's a surefire giveaway that what they really want is to be with someone else and they're just too cowardly to be honest about it.

 

I wouldn't buy his "stress" excuse. I'd treat this as a true breakup and not focus on how to get him back or try to make sense of his b.s. excuses. Don't wait around for this guy -- your job right now is to move forward.

 

Walk away, cut contact and put the focus on where it belongs right now: on YOU, on your life, on healing and getting through the next days as best you can. Surround yourself with people who love and support you -- lean on them to help yourself feel better, not on him. Right now, he's only going to be a source of pain to you.... not comfort.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does get better with time.

 

Good luck to you -- and keep posting!

 

[Ashurii]

I entertained that thought, that there was someone else. We both promised each other that we'd tell the other if we started to have feelings for someone else, though, and we both felt honesty was a huge, huge deal.

[erklat]

Why? So he could be with someone else.

 

People don't like to be alone and if they breakup with

such confidence chances are someone is lined up already.

 

It will help you to speed your recovery if you convince yourself

in that.

[Ruby65]

I entertained that thought, that there was someone else. We both promised each other that we'd tell the other if we started to have feelings for someone else, though, and we both felt honesty was a huge, huge deal.

 

Take this as a life lesson: cheaters never confess.

 

No matter how much you love him... how much you trust him.... how much you believe every word he tells you.... how special your relationship was.... how deep your connection was.....

 

He has many reasons to conceal the truth from you:

 

* He doesn't want to hurt you.

* He's ashamed and embarrassed of his own behavior.

* He knows you'd never forgive him and he wants you available as a possible Plan B in case it doesn't work out with this new girl.

* He doesn't want you to think of him as a bad person.

 

He's not a bad person, but he's lying about the reason for this breakup. People don't break up over "stress" or being busy or under pressure.

 

[Ashurii]

I'm sorry. Trust is a big thing for us, and I'm willing to believe him. I'd like to move on, but if it takes longer because I refuse to taint him and our relationship, so be it. If he says he wants to be alone for the first time since 2007 and he simply thinks I'm the wrong girl and has to cut things off cold turkey off like this to make it easier for him, then fine, that's how it is. I did the same thing months ago when I thought a breakup would be for the best when we were in a small lump, and I tried to treat it like a bandait--quick and over with and go.

[Ruby65]

Well, you titled your thread:

 

He ended the relationship out of nowhere and I can't understand why.

 

If you truly believe his story for why he's breaking up, why ask the question?

 

Because it doesn't make sense.

 

Why doesn't his story make sense? Because it's not the truth.

[seminoles84]

Haha ok you can believe whatever you want but most of us have seen this same story hundreds of times on here. My bet there is another interest in this.. not saying he took the step to actually cheat but he is taking the steps to see if there's something there now.

[joseb]

It's certainly possible that the OPs ex met someone else, but it's not the only explanation.

 

It was a long distance relationship, and it sounds like there were some issues:

"Sometimes I got overheated and had to chill for an hour" etc.

 

I've ended one long distance relationship because it just wasn't working out for me. She might well claim it was out of nowhere, she didn't see it coming but we had lots of arguments. And no, it wasn't because I was seeing someone else, or even wanted to (I said I wanted to be single and was for the next 2 years).

 

Just saying.

[Ruby65]

I'd be inclined to agree.... but his refusal to stay in contact after the breakup, even just as friends, is highly suspicious.

 

A dumper who insists on cutting contact immediately after a breakup... for no real reason? They have something (someone) to hide.

[Funkwithme]

Why is it that people jump to conclusions on forums?

Why does it always have to be someone else?

There have been times where I've ended long term relationship because I simply didn't feel good with that person anymore, I didn't want to try anymore, we drifted apart and I didn't feel the same anymore

He said something feels off, he doesn't feel happy anymore.

It may seem like it's out of nowhere but trust me, if its for any of the reasons above. It's been going round and round in his head and hes been trying to shake it off but he couldn't.

[Ruby65]

I can't speak for everyone here, but for me personally I certainly don't always assume there's another person in the picture! Based on my own experience as a dumper, there was no one else and I really did just lose feelings for my then-boyfriend.

 

However, when you see the same stories over and over on sites like this.... with the same flashing red flags.... it does get easier to spot them than, say, someone who's currently *living* the situation and feeling the hurt and confusion of a breakup.

[Ashurii]

We talked more this morning. Basically he feels unhappy, that he can feel happier, and he wants to be single for a while, something he hasn't been in a long time, before going into whatever relationship will make him happier than the one he just stomped on. He doesn't want a friendship because, in his words, he'll just fall for me all over again and apparently that's the worst ****ing thing ever.

 

I feel rage now. I keep crying, throwing up, and now I have a headache, and I feel betrayed and so unimaginably hurt. I'm not coping well, and the worst of it is my work vacation starts Saturday, so it'll just be me and my lovely, lovely thoughts, most of which will consist of considering suicide more seriously than I have the past few years.

[Funkwithme]

We talked more this morning. Basically he feels unhappy, that he can feel happier, and he wants to be single for a while, something he hasn't been in a long time, before going into whatever relationship will make him happier than the one he just stomped on. He doesn't want a friendship because, in his words, he'll just fall for me all over again and apparently that's the worst ****ing thing ever.

 

I feel rage now. I keep crying, throwing up, and now I have a headache, and I feel betrayed and so unimaginably hurt. I'm not coping well, and the worst of it is my work vacation starts Saturday, so it'll just be me and my lovely, lovely thoughts, most of which will consist of considering suicide more seriously than I have the past few years.

 

 

Nobody is worth that.

Cry and let it out. I'm going through a similar thing, my bf and I are on a break. But I can feel the break up coming. You need to let it alllllll out and then think logically.

Do you want someone to just settle for you?

Do you want someone who is unsure about you?

 

And no, it's not the worst thing ever to fall for you again, it's the worst thing ever to have to let go again. It's not personal, it's just him.

[minime13]

We talked more this morning. Basically he feels unhappy, that he can feel happier, and he wants to be single for a while, something he hasn't been in a long time, before going into whatever relationship will make him happier than the one he just stomped on. He doesn't want a friendship because, in his words, he'll just fall for me all over again and apparently that's the worst ****ing thing ever.

 

I feel rage now. I keep crying, throwing up, and now I have a headache, and I feel betrayed and so unimaginably hurt. I'm not coping well, and the worst of it is my work vacation starts Saturday, so it'll just be me and my lovely, lovely thoughts, most of which will consist of considering suicide more seriously than I have the past few years.

 

This doesn't read to me like others have read it, with this clarification. There's not someone else, otherwise he'd keep you on the line "as a friend." However, the someone he will want eventually is just not you. Men that play always have a back-up plan.

 

Long distance relationships are both easy and difficult to pull off. On the one hand, the person you are dating is physically in the picture for small increments, and for specific times and places. It's difficult to see them as serious when the majority of it seems to be by electronic communication (phone, skype, email, etc.,).

 

My guess would be that, while he's enjoyed dating you, he is having a hard time digesting the move you were planning to make to be a part of his everyday life (and be closer). He may not feel "it" with you and doesn't want to be responsible for you uprooting your current life to be closer to him. This could be because of the distance, or it could be that his feelings just are not as strong as your own.

 

Whatever the case may be, he wants to end it and probably think about what he really wants in a relationship. And if that's what he wants, then you have to respect that. I don't see that it's necessarily responsible or even helpful for people to jump to the conclusions that he's met someone else. There's nothing you would be able to do about it either way, and it just adds to the hurt.

 

For what it's worth, you should probably talk to a professional if you are having suicidal thoughts because of break-up (or because of anything). I'm not saying that you are saying that lightly, I don't know your history, but I don't take those words lightly, having had a sibling take their life. If those are the feelings you have, then it would be wise to talk to a counselor about this, and worry about those feelings instead of what went wrong in the relationship. Take care of you, and then you'll get the answers you need.

[Ashurii]

Thank you for all the advice.

 

I currently have a killer headache from all the crying, but I spent some time outside and talking to my mom about everything and about other things. I started to feel a bit better, enough for me to realize and acknowledge that I may be strong enough after all to be truly happy.

 

Going to start doing things to keep my mind preoccupied, like working out, and writing again. Go to school here in the area instead of the state where he is. And yes, see a psychiatrist, as even when I do get over him, my states of depression aren't new and it's long past time for me to swallow my pride and improve my life.

 

I'd also like to write a letter to myself, as I'm in my current state of mind. I hate how it's like I'm practically two different people.