8 months later...

[Jimmyjackson]

It's been roughly 8 months since me and my ex broken up now, the thing is I still find that I miss her and she's on my mind quite a lot. She was my first girlfriend and I lost my virginity to her, she still consumes my mind and it's annoying.

 

I know logically that I don't want her back, I couldn't ever trust her again, she cheated on me and for me that is the nail in the coffin. I seem to be having this battle in my mind where it is me sometimes putting her on a pedestal and other times seeing her for who she really is now. The thought of her sleeping with others also bothers me, even though I know we're not together and aren't in contact it's none of my business but it still bothers me to think about it.

 

Am I a lot better than I was when we first broke up? sure. But I still haven't seemed to let go fully and It's annoying me, especially since I know that I'm now a distant memory to her.

 

I worry I won't meet anyone else, I know it sound stupid but it took me 21 years to meet her, other girls before her didn't really appeal to me. I've only had that feeling once where you just fall head over heels for someone and the chemistry is just amazing. I know it seems irrational but I just worry I won't get that feeling again, or not for a while at least.

 

Any ideas on how to let it go? I feel like I'm trapped in my brain and it's frustrating. I want to be able to control my emotions and be able to disregard attachment. My friend told me to teach myself to dislike her, in a lot of ways I do, but in a lot of other ways I still love her.

[SLee]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're doing better than initially after the break up. First loves are a big part of life, so I think what you're going through is completely natural.

 

I have the back and forth between the pedestal and seeing the ex for who they really are too. Talking to my friends about the things he did post break up and everything and getting people's outside perspective keeps my mind focussed on the reality. Above all, I'm in love with the him that was, not who he is now.

 

I got really worried I wouldn't meet anyone after my first love dumped a month-ish ago. I kind of realized I was only thinking that way because I had never been with anyone else so I had no idea what it was like to be with someone that wasn't him.

 

Give this time. You're already on the right track. Be patient with yourself.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I can totally relate. My ex dumped me a little over a week ago, but I've really gone hardcore on the trying to highlight his bad qualities in my mind to get over him. It sounds silly, but I've been googling things like "Traits of a bad boyfriend." and seeing that my ex fits into that category in more ways than one has really helped me to feel better. Knowing that the qualities he possessed are universal to "bad boyfriends" has really helped me to knock him off of that pedestal and realize that I deserve BETTER.

 

I'm slowly starting to get the butterflies in my stomach over the thought that my perfect person is out there somewhere and will have all of the positive qualities I look for in a man. You have to stop thinking you won't find anyone. I had gained a little weight while with my ex and thought this same thing. I thought "I'm undesirable and no man will ever talk to me again." Do you know what I did? Saturday evening I put my cutest outfit on, did my hair and makeup and went out... and danced with two guys and got another's phone number. I know it won't amount to anything, because I'm not over my ex, but it felt amazing to feel appreciated by the opposite sex again. When we're in relationships, we sometimes tend to forget that we are still our own person, and those positive qualities that we possess, even if they diminished over the course of the relationship, are going to be appreciated by someone else even more worthy.

 

Put yourself out there. It helps. Good luck.

[imbax]

I can totally relate. My ex dumped me a little over a week ago, but I've really gone hardcore on the trying to highlight his bad qualities in my mind to get over him. It sounds silly, but I've been googling things like "Traits of a bad boyfriend." and seeing that my ex fits into that category in more ways than one has really helped me to feel better. Knowing that the qualities he possessed are universal to "bad boyfriends" has really helped me to knock him off of that pedestal and realize that I deserve BETTER.

 

I'm slowly starting to get the butterflies in my stomach over the thought that my perfect person is out there somewhere and will have all of the positive qualities I look for in a man. You have to stop thinking you won't find anyone. I had gained a little weight while with my ex and thought this same thing. I thought "I'm undesirable and no man will ever talk to me again." Do you know what I did? Saturday evening I put my cutest outfit on, did my hair and makeup and went out... and danced with two guys and got another's phone number. I know it won't amount to anything, because I'm not over my ex, but it felt amazing to feel appreciated by the opposite sex again. When we're in relationships, we sometimes tend to forget that we are still our own person, and those positive qualities that we possess, even if they diminished over the course of the relationship, are going to be appreciated by someone else even more worthy.

 

Put yourself out there. It helps. Good luck.

 

Sorry to hear your story but I think this is where girls have it easy. They can get an easy rebound or into another relationship but guys are stuck because if they never talk to girls or make a move, they won't have anyone else. Girls have guys coming onto them most of the time, which makes breakups for girls a LOT easier.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Sorry to hear your story but I think this is where girls have it easy. They can get an easy rebound or into another relationship but guys are stuck because if they never talk to girls or make a move, they won't have anyone else. Girls have guys coming onto them most of the time, which makes breakups for girls a LOT easier.

 

I see a lot of women approaching men at bars and clubs up here. But I think you're right; men DO approach women more. I really think it's in their nature to do so.

 

Anywho, nothing ever happened with the guy. It wouldn't be fair to the other person to jump into another relationship right now, but it sure feels good to get the attention. Sometimes you just need to be assured that you still "have it".

[imbax]

I see a lot of women approaching men at bars and clubs up here. But I think you're right; men DO approach women more. I really think it's in their nature to do so.

 

Anywho, nothing ever happened with the guy. It wouldn't be fair to the other person to jump into another relationship right now, but it sure feels good to get the attention. Sometimes you just need to be assured that you still "have it".

 

You are spot on, it feels amazing to feel attractive and wanted by others. Great ego boost especially after being kicked in the guts by our exes. Though I don't get as much attention from girls myself, I try to believe that I am still a great person and average looking. And if I can get a girl as pretty and beautiful as my ex, I should be able to attract girls in the same league as her, right?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You are spot on, it feels amazing to feel attractive and wanted by others. Great ego boost especially after being kicked in the guts by our exes. Though I don't get as much attention from girls myself, I try to believe that I am still a great person and average looking. And if I can get a girl as pretty and beautiful as my ex, I should be able to attract girls in the same league as her, right?

 

Absolutely. I considered my ex to be above me in terms of "leagues" and looks so I think it made me feel even more down on myself when he left me. I thought I would never find someone as attractive. But you know what? Looks don't matter as much to me anymore, because he was great looking and he treated me badly.

 

What I'm going to try to do is just be the best possible version of myself that I can be. I'm also going to create a "new me": I'm going back to the gym, reconnecting with old friends I lost during my relationship, going back to college, appreciating my family a lot more and just trying to be a better person. I'm hoping those things will attract the right person to me. Try that out and see how it works.

 

Also, don't be in a rush. I really want to take more time to find a good person this time around.

[TunaCat]

Sorry to hear your story but I think this is where girls have it easy. They can get an easy rebound or into another relationship but guys are stuck because if they never talk to girls or make a move, they won't have anyone else. Girls have guys coming onto them most of the time, which makes breakups for girls a LOT easier.

 

Let's be honest here. Girls only have it easy if they are considered "smokin' hotties" If they are not considered attractive by society's standards, then no it's not easy.

 

I'm considered a "plain Jane" type. I'm short, average looking and I'm not a knockout. I've been single for a little over a month and I haven't been approached once.

 

I know not every guy is superficial, but come on, most guys want someone hot, not someone plain.

 

Maybe I'm just being cynical...

[imbax]

Let's be honest here. Girls only have it easy if they are considered "smokin' hotties" If they are not considered attractive by society's standards, then no it's not easy.

 

I'm considered a "plain Jane" type. I'm short, average looking and I'm not a knockout. I've been single for a little over a month and I haven't been approached once.

 

I know not every guy is superficial, but come on, most guys want someone hot, not someone plain.

 

Maybe I'm just being cynical...

 

I guess that's true. Argh I don't even know what I'm saying, I mean we all prefer the super hot guy or girlfriend but honesty I didn't see my ex that way before I met her. I just found her really special and the chase was on. Only later was she attractive to me. When my friends started telling me how hot or pretty my ex girlfriend was, only then did I realise what I had. Maybe I did have a certain unconscious standard, but that was not the deal breaker for me. But I think my gf lost a lot of weight over the past few months and got a lot hotter throughout the relationship .... Unfortunately for me, I'm not with her anymore! What am I even saying :/

[Jimmyjackson]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you're doing better than initially after the break up. First loves are a big part of life, so I think what you're going through is completely natural.

 

I have the back and forth between the pedestal and seeing the ex for who they really are too. Talking to my friends about the things he did post break up and everything and getting people's outside perspective keeps my mind focussed on the reality. Above all, I'm in love with the him that was, not who he is now.

 

I got really worried I wouldn't meet anyone after my first love dumped a month-ish ago. I kind of realized I was only thinking that way because I had never been with anyone else so I had no idea what it was like to be with someone that wasn't him.

 

Give this time. You're already on the right track. Be patient with yourself.

 

That seems to be my issue too, I'm in love with who she used to be and seeing who she really is is difficult on my mind because it's unrecognizable if that makes sense?

 

If someone would have told me my ex would cheat on me I'd have laughed in their face, she had never done it in the past and didn't strike me the type at all.

[Jimmyjackson]

I can totally relate. My ex dumped me a little over a week ago, but I've really gone hardcore on the trying to highlight his bad qualities in my mind to get over him. It sounds silly, but I've been googling things like "Traits of a bad boyfriend." and seeing that my ex fits into that category in more ways than one has really helped me to feel better. Knowing that the qualities he possessed are universal to "bad boyfriends" has really helped me to knock him off of that pedestal and realize that I deserve BETTER.

 

I'm slowly starting to get the butterflies in my stomach over the thought that my perfect person is out there somewhere and will have all of the positive qualities I look for in a man. You have to stop thinking you won't find anyone. I had gained a little weight while with my ex and thought this same thing. I thought "I'm undesirable and no man will ever talk to me again." Do you know what I did? Saturday evening I put my cutest outfit on, did my hair and makeup and went out... and danced with two guys and got another's phone number. I know it won't amount to anything, because I'm not over my ex, but it felt amazing to feel appreciated by the opposite sex again. When we're in relationships, we sometimes tend to forget that we are still our own person, and those positive qualities that we possess, even if they diminished over the course of the relationship, are going to be appreciated by someone else even more worthy.

 

Put yourself out there. It helps. Good luck.

 

I don't think my ex had many bad traits when we were actually in the relationship, it's just what happened after and the break up. Kissing another guy behind my back and leaving me for him. I know I deserve better because it was bad of her to do that to me.

[darkbloom]

Girls who are attractive don't have it easier if you're looking for more than just a hook up.

 

I literally only get asked on dates by married men. The last guy that asked me out that wasn't married was my ex. And that was 4 years ago. I think people assume that I'm dumb because I'm blonde and friendly. They think I'm easy and they aren't serious about anything other than a hookup.

 

I would say the same thing about my ex. If you told me he would be one to cheat on anyone I would have laughed. Which brings me to some questions I haven't been able to answer:

 

Has my ex always been this person? Has his moral compass always pointed this far south? Or did it change somewhere in the relationship? Was I in love with him or who I thought he was? Does cheating and lying multiple times make him a bad person? Or just someone who makes extremely poor decisions? It seems as though the whole relationship was about him now. I don't feel like I was part of the relationship. It was just him and his ego.

[GoBlue]

These things take time. The real issue you are dealing with is the loneliness the vacuum of your break-up has created. As a human being you are not a slave of your emotions. If you continue to think right thoughts your feelings will eventually catch up. I remember when I was in my early twenties, I too felt like I would never find someone after a very painful break-up that I went through, but I did. Relationships require two willing participants and they cannot be forced. The pain is real, I understand, but things will turn around as long as you do not hold on to false thoughts and expectations of misery. This break-up was a good thing and that reality itself can be the salve that gets you through moments of hopelessness. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Jimmyjackson]

Girls who are attractive don't have it easier if you're looking for more than just a hook up.

 

I literally only get asked on dates by married men. The last guy that asked me out that wasn't married was my ex. And that was 4 years ago. I think people assume that I'm dumb because I'm blonde and friendly. They think I'm easy and they aren't serious about anything other than a hookup.

 

I would say the same thing about my ex. If you told me he would be one to cheat on anyone I would have laughed. Which brings me to some questions I haven't been able to answer:

 

Has my ex always been this person? Has his moral compass always pointed this far south? Or did it change somewhere in the relationship? Was I in love with him or who I thought he was? Does cheating and lying multiple times make him a bad person? Or just someone who makes extremely poor decisions? It seems as though the whole relationship was about him now. I don't feel like I was part of the relationship. It was just him and his ego.

 

That last paragraph literally sums up my thoughts, couldn't have put it better myself. I've been wrestling with the is she a bad person v she made a poor choice for months now.

[Jimmyjackson]

These things take time. The real issue you are dealing with is the loneliness the vacuum of your break-up has created. As a human being you are not a slave of your emotions. If you continue to think right thoughts your feelings will eventually catch up. I remember when I was in my early twenties, I too felt like I would never find someone after a very painful break-up that I went through, but I did. Relationships require two willing participants and they cannot be forced. The pain is real, I understand, but things will turn around as long as you do not hold on to false thoughts and expectations of misery. This break-up was a good thing and that reality itself can be the salve that gets you through moments of hopelessness. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Thank you, I know in say 10 years this probably won't even matter. I'll hopefully be looking to settle down and building a family. I feel if I meet someone new who I feel about the same way I felt when I first met my ex, all of this will go away. I really miss being in a relationship with someone, going on dates, regular sex, conversations, support etc...

[GoBlue]

I understand. I have been divorced now for six years and I still am not over it. That's why I encourage people who are dating to look at their relationships objectively. What's the purpose of dating anyway? Isn't it to find someone with whom you are compatible in order to build a lifelong relationship? I think so. For that reason, it is far better to go through a break-up than it is to go through a divorce. The pain of the two does not compare. You do not want to ever experience a divorce.

[darkbloom]

That last paragraph literally sums up my thoughts, couldn't have put it better myself. I've been wrestling with the is she a bad person v she made a poor choice for months now.

 

I don't know how to answer any of those questions. I go back and forth between answers. I feel almost like I have to defend his bad decisions because that's the only validation that the relationship was real.

 

Maybe we are not meant to understand.

[Jimmyjackson]

I don't know how to answer any of those questions. I go back and forth between answers. I feel almost like I have to defend his bad decisions because that's the only validation that the relationship was real.

 

Maybe we are not meant to understand.

 

I think we feel that we have to defend their decisions because the person we were once with, we know deep down aren't bad people. I mean, they made us happy for a long time didn't they?

[darkbloom]

I think we feel that we have to defend their decisions because the person we were once with, we know deep down aren't bad people. I mean, they made us happy for a long time didn't they?

 

Yes. And they had a lot of good qualities. And they did a lot of very nice things for us. But maybe the only reason they did those nice things is because they felt guilty. Especially the gas lighting. I had no idea that people could be that manipulative. I know I would never do that to anyone. How did I end up with someone that went to such lengths to manipulate me? Am I just am easy target? But then why stay with me for so long? Why lie to me? And keep up the charade? It was by no means fun and easy to keep the lie going. Is it the power they get from the secret? But what about the guilt? What about getting in deeper with me if he never intended to stay?

 

More questions. No answers.

[Jimmyjackson]

Yes. And they had a lot of good qualities. And they did a lot of very nice things for us. But maybe the only reason they did those nice things is because they felt guilty. Especially the gas lighting. I had no idea that people could be that manipulative. I know I would never do that to anyone. How did I end up with someone that went to such lengths to manipulate me? Am I just am easy target? But then why stay with me for so long? Why lie to me? And keep up the charade? It was by no means fun and easy to keep the lie going. Is it the power they get from the secret? But what about the guilt? What about getting in deeper with me if he never intended to stay?

 

More questions. No answers.

 

 

I feel for you, other than the break up my relationship was pretty great. Wasn't really any lies or anything during it and she was besotted by me. It seems you've been put through a lot during and after the relationship, I sympathize as I cannot relate to it..

[darkbloom]

I feel for you, other than the break up my relationship was pretty great. Wasn't really any lies or anything during it and she was besotted by me. It seems you've been put through a lot during and after the relationship, I sympathize as I cannot relate to it..

 

The relationship was f-cked from the word go. It's partly my fault for staying and putting up with the nonsense. Never again.

[Jimmyjackson]

The relationship was f-cked from the word go. It's partly my fault for staying and putting up with the nonsense. Never again.

 

I guess that can help you move on though? mine didn't get ugly until after it ended so it's harder to hate her for what she did as she was great to me when we were actually an item.