My boyfriend requested a break and I don't know what to think anymore....

[Funkwithme]

He said we're arguing too much. He doesn't want to end things, he wants to re-evaluate everything and he wants to be with me. However, in the heat of the argument that lead to this break, he was saying he was 50/50 & he doesn't know because we get on really well but he hates all the bickering. Before we had the break I asked him not to string me along and think if he knows we are done in his eyes. He said he doesn't know. He said its not a negative thing so I shouldn't be upset. He said he's always happy around me but I push his buttons sometimes and often said I can be clingy and 'obsessive' plus he's stressed generally with uni. He wants space for a 'solid month'. He cried when we were talking and I've never seen him cry, he's quite the 'tough guy.We agreed that we can still contact each other, its not a break up, no other people, and no meet ups. He said he doesn't want anything to fester, we will keep clashing and we will butt heads again if we try to force it together after all these fights. I know it's my fault, I do interrogate him a lot and I realised it's harming us more than bettering. I told him that things will be different and honestly now I know its not worth it. But I don't know if its enough. That's why I'm scared he won't come back. What do I do?

He's contacted me a couple times very briefly "checking up on me" mostlyand I drunk text him asking if he missed me and I apologised because I know he needs his space and what not but he seemed to see the funny side and just said its okay.

 

The last time he contacted me however, it left me quite disheartened. He started off by complimenting my display picture and asking me how I am.. Then he said "I kinda miss you :(" and I said "thats really nice to hear that ..:)" before i could say it back though he diverted the conversation and started talking about seeing a friend of mine and not recognising her until later. I then said I miss you too..kinda" which he ignored. . Still talking about my friend. So I just said to him "Anyway, we still have a few weeks to go (break ends on 25th of may) so figure everything out and we can have a proper chat"

I don't know where to go from him. I love him &everything but he brings my spirits up and down with these little pop ups. Obviously he may miss me etc but he completely changed the convo which I thought was quite insensitive&he knows how upset i am about all of this..

So what do I do? Is he playing games or just confused? Did I respond accordingly or am I just being sensitive? Do I go NC for the remainder of the month. I want to know if he wants to be with me or not... I'm getting frustrated and I miss him terribly... It's been 14 days now since this break commenced. And I'm going out my mind. Couldn't even get out of bed last week, now I don't think I can handle a WHOLE month. Especially when he's adding to the confusion

*sigh* guidance and advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Satu]

He said we're arguing too much. He doesn't want to end things, he wants to re-evaluate everything and he wants to be with me. However, in the heat of the argument that lead to this break, he was saying he was 50/50 & he doesn't know because we get on really well but he hates all the bickering. Before we had the break I asked him not to string me along and think if he knows we are done in his eyes. He said he doesn't know. He said its not a negative thing so I shouldn't be upset. He said he's always happy around me but I push his buttons sometimes and often said I can be clingy and 'obsessive' plus he's stressed generally with uni. He wants space for a 'solid month'. He cried when we were talking and I've never seen him cry, he's quite the 'tough guy.We agreed that we can still contact each other, its not a break up, no other people, and no meet ups. He said he doesn't want anything to fester, we will keep clashing and we will butt heads again if we try to force it together after all these fights. I know it's my fault, I do interrogate him a lot and I realised it's harming us more than bettering. I told him that things will be different and honestly now I know its not worth it. But I don't know if its enough. That's why I'm scared he won't come back. What do I do?

He's contacted me a couple times very briefly "checking up on me" mostlyand I drunk text him asking if he missed me and I apologised because I know he needs his space and what not but he seemed to see the funny side and just said its okay.

 

The last time he contacted me however, it left me quite disheartened. He started off by complimenting my display picture and asking me how I am.. Then he said "I kinda miss you :(" and I said "thats really nice to hear that ..:)" before i could say it back though he diverted the conversation and started talking about seeing a friend of mine and not recognising her until later. I then said I miss you too..kinda" which he ignored. . Still talking about my friend. So I just said to him "Anyway, we still have a few weeks to go (break ends on 25th of may) so figure everything out and we can have a proper chat"

I don't know where to go from him. I love him &everything but he brings my spirits up and down with these little pop ups. Obviously he may miss me etc but he completely changed the convo which I thought was quite insensitive&he knows how upset i am about all of this..

So what do I do? Is he playing games or just confused? Did I respond accordingly or am I just being sensitive? Do I go NC for the remainder of the month. I want to know if he wants to be with me or not... I'm getting frustrated and I miss him terribly... It's been 14 days now since this break commenced. And I'm going out my mind. Couldn't even get out of bed last week, now I don't think I can handle a WHOLE month. Especially when he's adding to the confusion

*sigh* guidance and advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

If you can't live peacefully with each other, the relationship isn't worth much, and won't last.

 

What do you argue about?

 

There's far too much drama in your relationship.

 

Far too much.

[Ruby65]

He's not playing games. He's not confused. He's breaking up with you and this is his way of gradually transitioning.

 

I don't think it's malicious or premeditated. It's really hard and scary to break up with someone, even when you're sure it's what you want to do.

 

Right now, he's adjusting to the breakup. He's got you right there as a safety net in case he changes his mind. He's possibly got someone else on the horizon he's interested in as well and checking her out during this time.

 

Someone who loves you, who wants to be with you, doesn't go on a break.

 

Break means breakup.

 

I'm so sorry, I've been there. It's AWFUL. If you can manage to go the next two weeks without contacting him, it'll be better for you both, but it's very hard. The one time I was given a "break" I think I made it 18 days before I went completely crazy and demanded an answer.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[Funkwithme]

If you can't live peacefully with each other, the relationship isn't worth much, and won't last.

 

What do you argue about?

 

There's far too much drama in your relationship.

 

Far too much.

 

The thing is I thought that recently we had been okay...

We hadn't really argued much at all...

However, we did have a tiff the night he proposed a break&thatbwas his reasoning.

 

And when we arguing, its mostly if he's done something wrong (he acknowlegdes this) but he says usually we get through the bigger stuff, he just cant stand when i bring things back up and ask questions that will lead to an argument.

Purely most of the bickering that we do is me wanting to know every details of everything and him feeling like hes being attacked.

[darkbloom]

You sound like you have an unhealthy attachment to him and you don't trust him.

 

Breaks generally lead to breakups on this forum. You have to respect his wishes for space though and become an astronaut. Give him as much space as he needs and he might come back and he might not.

[Carm]

Agree with Ruby....

 

 

Breaks = Break up

 

 

He wants to soften the blow. He obviously cares for you so he doesn't want to hurt you so he's doing this as gently as possible.

 

 

Would be very surprised if this went the other way.

[Redhead14]

He said we're arguing too much. He doesn't want to end things, he wants to re-evaluate everything and he wants to be with me. However, in the heat of the argument that lead to this break, he was saying he was 50/50 & he doesn't know because we get on really well but he hates all the bickering. Before we had the break I asked him not to string me along and think if he knows we are done in his eyes. He said he doesn't know. He said its not a negative thing so I shouldn't be upset. He said he's always happy around me but I push his buttons sometimes and often said I can be clingy and 'obsessive' plus he's stressed generally with uni. He wants space for a 'solid month'. He cried when we were talking and I've never seen him cry, he's quite the 'tough guy.We agreed that we can still contact each other, its not a break up, no other people, and no meet ups. He said he doesn't want anything to fester, we will keep clashing and we will butt heads again if we try to force it together after all these fights. I know it's my fault, I do interrogate him a lot and I realised it's harming us more than bettering. I told him that things will be different and honestly now I know its not worth it. But I don't know if its enough. That's why I'm scared he won't come back. What do I do?

He's contacted me a couple times very briefly "checking up on me" mostlyand I drunk text him asking if he missed me and I apologised because I know he needs his space and what not but he seemed to see the funny side and just said its okay.

 

The last time he contacted me however, it left me quite disheartened. He started off by complimenting my display picture and asking me how I am.. Then he said "I kinda miss you :(" and I said "thats really nice to hear that ..:)" before i could say it back though he diverted the conversation and started talking about seeing a friend of mine and not recognising her until later. I then said I miss you too..kinda" which he ignored. . Still talking about my friend. So I just said to him "Anyway, we still have a few weeks to go (break ends on 25th of may) so figure everything out and we can have a proper chat"

I don't know where to go from him. I love him &everything but he brings my spirits up and down with these little pop ups. Obviously he may miss me etc but he completely changed the convo which I thought was quite insensitive&he knows how upset i am about all of this..

So what do I do? Is he playing games or just confused? Did I respond accordingly or am I just being sensitive? Do I go NC for the remainder of the month. I want to know if he wants to be with me or not... I'm getting frustrated and I miss him terribly... It's been 14 days now since this break commenced. And I'm going out my mind. Couldn't even get out of bed last week, now I don't think I can handle a WHOLE month. Especially when he's adding to the confusion

*sigh* guidance and advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

He asked for a one month break. He should take it and so should you. He should not be contacting you. You tell him to take the time he requested and then get back to you at the end of that time.

 

You take this time to re-evaluate the relationship and what your role was in it and your role in it's potential failure so that if he wants to get back together you can go back into it and attempt to correct any of your bahaviors that contributed to the need for a break. You also should be prepared to move on if that is going to be the case.

 

Make yourself busy with friends and other activities. Do some things you may have stopped doing while you were in this relationship. Get back to having your own fulfilling life.

[Funkwithme]

Agree with Ruby....

 

 

Breaks = Break up

 

 

He wants to soften the blow. He obviously cares for you so he doesn't want to hurt you so he's doing this as gently as possible.

 

 

Would be very surprised if this went the other way.

 

How can you take this from what I've said whilst I'm here confused lol.

Like he always initiates convo with me.. Has broken down and told me he misses me, yet he's trying to soften the blow...

Would he just be a bit more cold?

[Funkwithme]

This is why this break thing is such a weird topic. Cos someone is always left questioning and every one thinks that a break is a break up.

 

I've had times where I've asked for a break to come back to someone after they've done me wrong. It helps me to see the positive side of things & forgive the smaller things.

I'm not saying that I'm right and your wrong. I'm saying from the mixed responses I know that I'm not the only thats confused or doesn't know what to make of it.

[quattrob]

"Usually" when someone requests a "break" it definitely leads to a break up. That is what I did and I only did it because I didn't know how to admit and say it to one of my ex.

 

 

When someone asks for a break in their minds they can already see themselves breaking up and they are definitely leaning towards that more often than not. Of course everyone is different but when it comes to breaks it usually means the same thing.

 

 

They only come back to you when they see that you have changed but it seems like you're still the same. If you can't figure out how to fix your behavior which causes bickering and issues then there's no chance for this relationship. This is not just telling him that you figure it out, you have to prove with action not words.

 

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong to make him decide to go on a break but from what you said, it seems you created drama and complaints/arguments out of small things which he grew tired of.

 

 

Please re-evaluate yourself and set your expectations to low when it comes to him.. If he doesn't reciprocate your emotions then let it be, it sucks but you guys are on a break so you shouldn't expect much out of him.. he requested space, you agreed so it should be simple as that. Don't cause drama because of your insecurities.

[d0nnivain]

I agree with Carm.

 

Breaks are a whimpy way some people initiate a break up, gradually, because they simply don't have the guts to make a clean separation. They want time apart to prove to themselves that they can live without the other person.

 

In essence your stbxbf is stringing you along. He's going to realize how much less pressure there is in his life when he no longer has to contend with a GF who interrogates him (your word), who is clingy & obsessive and with whom he butts heads. When he gets a sense of that peace, your relationship is doomed. However, if you don't give him that space and you chase after him all that is going to do is annoy him. You are literally damned if you do and damned if you don't but at least by staying NC for the rest of the month, you preserve some of your dignity rather than chasing after him.

 

If I'm wrong & he does come back at the end of this "break" you always have to wonder if he's back because he wants to be or because he couldn't do any better in the short term.

 

With summer coming & the semester ending, this doesn't look promising. My prediction is that he's going to decide he wants to be single for the summer & doesn't want to do the whole LDR while you are both home on summer break.

[Funkwithme]

I agree with Carm.

 

Breaks are a whimpy way some people initiate a break up, gradually, because they simply don't have the guts to make a clean separation. They want time apart to prove to themselves that they can live without the other person.

 

In essence your stbxbf is stringing you along. He's going to realize how much less pressure there is in his life when he no longer has to contend with a GF who interrogates him (your word), who is clingy & obsessive and with whom he butts heads. When he gets a sense of that peace, your relationship is doomed. However, if you don't give him that space and you chase after him all that is going to do is annoy him. You are literally damned if you do and damned if you don't but at least by staying NC for the rest of the month, you preserve some of your dignity rather than chasing after him.

 

If I'm wrong & he does come back at the end of this "break" you always have to wonder if he's back because he wants to be or because he couldn't do any better in the short term.

 

With summer coming & the semester ending, this doesn't look promising. My prediction is that he's going to decide he wants to be single for the summer & doesn't want to do the whole LDR while you are both home on summer break.

 

Thank you for your input.

We live near each other at home too btw but I can see him starting to do a slow fade. I'll give him the space and do NC. I have been basically replying whenever he does.. He's done most of the chasing besides my drunk text.

I guess I'll just have to treat it like a break up.

[d0nnivain]

I guess I'll just have to treat it like a break up.

 

Emotionally do that but since you both promised that you wouldn't see other people during this break, unless you want to call it quits & break up with him, which is your right, don't go back on that promise.

 

At the end of this month long "break" don't reach out. Let him come to you. Listen. See where he is.

 

Then really make a long hard decision if you want to date somebody who is willing to be so cavalier with your feelings & needs. I wouldn't.

[Funkwithme]

Emotionally do that but since you both promised that you wouldn't see other people during this break, unless you want to call it quits & break up with him, which is your right, don't go back on that promise.

 

At the end of this month long "break" don't reach out. Let him come to you. Listen. See where he is.

 

Then really make a long hard decision if you want to date somebody who is willing to be so cavalier with your feelings & needs. I wouldn't.

 

Yeah that's what I mean. Sorry if it wasn't clear. I would never do that to anyone.

Thats what I have been thinking. I am very much an all or nothing person & I just couldn't fathom doing it to someone else at this age. Not for this long and such confusion i.e. Popping up and saying they are missed then diverting. It's too much for my heart to take.

 

As of now, it's quite bad. I'm very down and keep looking for answers. Then he pops up making me feel hopefully and goes cold again. It's making it hard to function atm. I wake up really early in a sweat, I go out with friends and end up feeling so alone . I'm quite down on myself for the most part.

 

How do I carry on as normal when all this is weighing on me?

And thank you so much again for your input.

[Lunay]

I agree with everyone that says Break = Break up.

 

Coming from someone who told an ex that we needed a "break", my intention was to date someone else I was interested in... and slowly wean myself off of him, and him off of me. Sometimes people have a hard time letting go. I am guilty of that myself. It's easier for us to just slowly get used to not seeing and talking to someone than to just go NC.

Most people in real relationships don't need "breaks" unless there are real problems that they are sick and tired of. Most people work through them together not separate.

[d0nnivain]

At this point it's two weeks.

 

Surround yourself with supportive friends & keep busy. Set up a buddy you can call rather than call or text him.

 

Meanwhile make a list: pros & cons. What's the upside of staying together? what are the downsides? what's good about your relationship & what's bad? list things you want to change in you & things you want him to change.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like a tough situation to be in. Have you thought about just talking to him about this and sorting out all the questions you have? Sometimes when you think about things and don't talk it through, it seems much worse in your own mind. I know you're on a break, but you're adults and you should be able to approach him to discuss these feelings.

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

[Funkwithme]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like a tough situation to be in. Have you thought about just talking to him about this and sorting out all the questions you have? Sometimes when you think about things and don't talk it through, it seems much worse in your own mind. I know you're on a break, but you're adults and you should be able to approach him to discuss these feelings.

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

 

I have thought about it numerous times but most people have advised me to just let him have the space considering the situation (him think I'm always asking questions and being needy and clingy)..

The only real question I have to ask is if he even still wants to be with me at this point...which is what the space is about.

I thought he would have caved in at this point, but he hasn't...

And I've realised if I do talk to him properly, he's quite indifferent except for the time he told me he missed me.

I also feel like I know everything I need to.

He wants time apart to reevaluate everything without my influence. He wants to talk briefly but not in depth and he doesn't want to see other people.

He says its for our future and shouldn't see it as a negative thing.

[Funkwithme]

At this point it's two weeks.

 

Surround yourself with supportive friends & keep busy. Set up a buddy you can call rather than call or text him.

 

Meanwhile make a list: pros & cons. What's the upside of staying together? what are the downsides? what's good about your relationship & what's bad? list things you want to change in you & things you want him to change.

 

Yes, I planned to do this list but I start moping around. Searching google and get disheartened.

My friends have been great but then I get upset when he pops up and disappears again..

I have been scared that if I don't reply etc that he'll think I dont want to be with him anymore& I'm trying to fade out...

[Satu]

With or without your boyfriend, find the peaceful place inside yourself and realise that there are very very few things worth arguing about.

 

Peace is sweeter than victory.

[joseb]

He said we're arguing too much....

but he hates all the bickering....

but I push his buttons sometimes and often said I can be clingy and 'obsessive'...

we will keep clashing and we will butt heads again if we try to force it together after all these fights....

I do interrogate him a lot and I realised it's harming us more than bettering...

 

So what is the cause behind all these fights?

What are you interrogating him about?

 

I reckon 90% of 'breaks' are really breakups in disguise, so honestly, I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

But if you are to have a future successful relationship (with him or someone else), you need to look at why you are 'interrogating' him and whats causing all the bickering.

 

Also, it sounds like the contact is not helpful to you as well, how about telling him to not to contact you for 2 weeks so you both can think clearly?

[Funkwithme]

He said we're arguing too much....

but he hates all the bickering....

but I push his buttons sometimes and often said I can be clingy and 'obsessive'...

we will keep clashing and we will butt heads again if we try to force it together after all these fights....

I do interrogate him a lot and I realised it's harming us more than bettering...

 

So what is the cause behind all these fights?

What are you interrogating him about?

 

I reckon 90% of 'breaks' are really breakups in disguise, so honestly, I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

But if you are to have a future successful relationship (with him or someone else), you need to look at why you are 'interrogating' him and whats causing all the bickering.

 

Also, it sounds like the contact is not helpful to you as well, how about telling him to not to contact you for 2 weeks so you both can think clearly?

 

Its my insecurity that causes the interogation.

I'll think about thing in the past and think "what did he mean by that?" Then ask... He ends up feeling attacked and gets defensive... ..

He has caused some of them as he hasn't been perfect. Meaning in the beginning, he definately made me doubt him slightly. Cancelling first dates and me finding out he still had casual contact with his ex after he said he cut her off... And the most hurtful was a flirtatious msg I found between him and a female. This was something we split briefly over.

As of late, things have been better than ever (or so I thought) but we had an argument that lead to this falling out and have had little spats in between..

 

I think also he is going through something. .. Last time I saw him (just before he propsed a break) ...he was venting. Saying he doesn't feel like he deserves the grades he gets, that he needs something different, he feels down about his life generally...

I think he also needs time to himself. Away from our situation. He seems depressed& I guessing that the fact that he hates arguing means that this is something that is making him feel even lower.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Glad to hear the responses have been helpful....hang in there girlie. Will be praying for ya!

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

[minime13]

I'm going to go against the grain here and tell you breaks aren't break-ups. I just went through one myself, and we both took some much-needed time to ourselves to step back and evaluate everything, because we had gotten to the point of arguing a lot. It was also a point of getting back a little independence, as both of us spent almost all of our spare time together. When we met up again, both of us realized how much we meant to each other, and how silly the arguments we had were. We both felt what we had was worth working through these issues, so we are. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and regroup.

 

It doesn't mean there's someone else. It doesn't mean that he's trying to end it. It means what he said - he's trying to figure out what he wants. You should too. It sounds like you guys are out of the honeymoon phase and into the power-struggle phase of a relationship. Arguments happen, and they can happen a lot in this phase. It's normal, and there seem to be people here insinuating that it isn't. All relationships go through this, and a break may just mean time to sort things out to see if the relationship has enough merit to work through these issues.

 

So, you have acknowledged some problems that you may have caused. Work on those during this break. Become a person you're more proud of being. Stick to the agreement that you both have. Casual contact, but no seeing each other, no seeing other people, etc.,. Don't sit there the whole time and focus on the relationship, or what he's thinking (I know, easier said than done. Get it out and vent, that's fine), but focus on yourself, and your needs. Work on improving yourself, since you do see some faults in the way you handle things.

 

When you do decide to meet back up, it may be a discussion that formally ends the relationship. It may not be. You won't know until then. You can, however, do some self-improvement so you'll be more of the person that you want to be.

 

If the conversations are too confusing in the interim, or hurt too much, then it may be a good idea to let him know it's best that neither of you talk until you meet up again. But do what's best for yourself right now, and try not to concentrate on what he's thinking. Just take the break as what it is - a break. Don't listen to people that tell you it's a break-up, because they aren't always break-ups. There's no perfect relationship. There's no absolute "if he loves you, he would or wouldn't do this." That's baloney. Just take the time to focus on yourself, your wants, and your needs. Then, when you meet up, talk about your feelings.

[Funkwithme]

I'm going to go against the grain here and tell you breaks aren't break-ups. I just went through one myself, and we both took some much-needed time to ourselves to step back and evaluate everything, because we had gotten to the point of arguing a lot. It was also a point of getting back a little independence, as both of us spent almost all of our spare time together. When we met up again, both of us realized how much we meant to each other, and how silly the arguments we had were. We both felt what we had was worth working through these issues, so we are. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and regroup.

 

It doesn't mean there's someone else. It doesn't mean that he's trying to end it. It means what he said - he's trying to figure out what he wants. You should too. It sounds like you guys are out of the honeymoon phase and into the power-struggle phase of a relationship. Arguments happen, and they can happen a lot in this phase. It's normal, and there seem to be people here insinuating that it isn't. All relationships go through this, and a break may just mean time to sort things out to see if the relationship has enough merit to work through these issues.

 

So, you have acknowledged some problems that you may have caused. Work on those during this break. Become a person you're more proud of being. Stick to the agreement that you both have. Casual contact, but no seeing each other, no seeing other people, etc.,. Don't sit there the whole time and focus on the relationship, or what he's thinking (I know, easier said than done. Get it out and vent, that's fine), but focus on yourself, and your needs. Work on improving yourself, since you do see some faults in the way you handle things.

 

When you do decide to meet back up, it may be a discussion that formally ends the relationship. It may not be. You won't know until then. You can, however, do some self-improvement so you'll be more of the person that you want to be.

 

If the conversations are too confusing in the interim, or hurt too much, then it may be a good idea to let him know it's best that neither of you talk until you meet up again. But do what's best for yourself right now, and try not to concentrate on what he's thinking. Just take the break as what it is - a break. Don't listen to people that tell you it's a break-up, because they aren't always break-ups. There's no perfect relationship. There's no absolute "if he loves you, he would or wouldn't do this." That's baloney. Just take the time to focus on yourself, your wants, and your needs. Then, when you meet up, talk about your feelings.

 

This is exactly what I plan to do.

The only time I started thinking that this could really be a break up is when I started reading forums. But I still believe that a break is not always a breakup. I've been through one before but on my terms. I realise a lot of people are hurting and may jump straight to the negative. I have a friend whom when she and her boyfriend are on good terms. She thinks everything will fall in to place in my relationship &when things arent, she tells me life is short and see's the bad in everything.

 

I'm not saying that it could well be. But I believe that if someone even has a little hope (proposing a break instead of a breakup) then I'll be hopeful too.