Distance relationship doesn't work out, want to get her back

[AmbiguousWhore]

I think i might have posted this in the wrong section, not sure how to delete as i am new

 

The tl;dr of things is that a combination between distance and a breakdown of communication led to other problems that made the relationship not work, but up until that point the relationship had been pretty good and i'm moving soon, which will close the distance.

 

Now the longish version. My gf of 5-6 months (apparently this is considered a fling) broke it off. I didn't cry or beg or get angry, we talked it out logically, it was the best breakup she's been through, she says, because there was no anger or guilt tripping etc. I still sometimes feel i should have been more forceful in holding things together.

 

Now what i think is the reason for this, based off of her reasons for the breakup. She said she was feeling disconnected, indifferent, and would honestly prefer to spend time on herself, friends, and other stuff than on me (even when she had time to call me she preferred time to herself). She felt she was no longer getting anything from the relationship. This came after 2 months of thought during a period where we didn't talk much because both her and i were busy with university. The few times we did talk she did seem more distant than usual and i should have noticed, met up with her etc. I made a mistake in not doing this.

 

The thing is, previous to this, she lost her best friend and only had me for real support, and i think she became reliant on me emotionally. After this period of strong emotion i think meeting new friends at uni and becoming so busy and losing contact moved that emotional support from me to her friends, and so i was no longer a priority. I think this transition from strong emotions and possible reliance, to no longer seeing or needing me as much due to having friends, led to the disconnect. I think that once I'm in the city i can move to start a new relationship.

 

But i want people's opinions on what im doing and what i should be doing.

 

I've started using tinder to meet new girls and become more comfortable with them, go to gym more, stuff like that. I am trying to improve myself in multiple areas. But i have some side reasons linkling to my ex - i want to be more attractive to her, i want her to see that i can be independent, and i wouldn't mind a little jealousy even though i hate the idea of playing social games with her or anybody else.

 

But past self improvement i'm at a loss. I tried a variation of no contact (basically NC but i would eventually reply with a week to messages) but that ended a few days ago when we spent a few long hours talking (pity talk possibly? She was venting to me too). I'm going to start with my version of NC again i think.

 

I'm also unsure how i should approach her and when i should do it. Or if i should at all. The next two opportunities i have based on how busy i and her are, is mid year break, or when i move to the city where she lives. The first is within 2 months, the other 6 months. Should i try and meet up? Or let her dictate how things go by not doing anything and letting her make the advances? What other options are there that i am missing.

 

There are only two ways this is going to go - we will either be together or friends. We get along well, similar interests and senses of humour, and i value that as much as i do any other friend. I can move on if she truly doesn't want to be together, but it would be a big loss to lose her completely from my life.

 

As a last note, i've gone through other threads suggesting that sometimes the ex might try to be friends to make themselves feel better. If anyone has any idea how to build a proper friendship from my situation i would gladly accept any advice. While i would prefer to be with her, being friends is fine with me too - it would just take time to get used to.

 

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads all of this and responds.

Edited May 5, 2015 by AmbiguousWhore
I think i might have posted this in the wrong section, not sure how to delete as i am new

[Ruby65]

If you're truly fine just being friends -- and that includes hearing her talk about other guys -- then I think that's a better bet for you.

 

5-6 months isn't a "fling", but it doesn't sound like a relationship she ever became fully invested in either. I think she gave it a shot and realized at the end of the day she just wasn't feeling it for you.

 

As for trying to re-connect romantically after you move, it's a big mistake for you to make even a single move in that direction. She's told you "no" and given you some excuses intended to soften the blow.... whether or not you agree with the breakup, you must respect it. No means no.

 

As for friendship, that's usually not possible until all the romantic feelings are gone. Do you really want to be there watching while she dates other guys? And when you get a new girlfriend, will she really appreciate you being such great friends with your ex?

 

I'd give it at least several months without contact before even thinking about friendship -- I mean really, what's the rush? You have the rest of your life to be friends again.

[AmbiguousWhore]

5-6 months isn't a "fling", but it doesn't sound like a relationship she ever became fully invested in either. I think she gave it a shot and realized at the end of the day she just wasn't feeling it for you.

 

As for trying to re-connect romantically after you move, it's a big mistake for you to make even a single move in that direction. She's told you "no" and given you some excuses intended to soften the blow.... whether or not you agree with the breakup, you must respect it. No means no.

 

 

Thanks for the reply first off.

 

She was full invested for most of it - it was only towards the end that there started to be some distance. As for "no means no" - I disagree. I think you're right, she gave me excuses to soften the blow. I wondered about us getting back together when i moved and she said maybe. Thinking about it now i think you're right and that was all just softening the blow - but i'm not taking that as an end. We get along too well for it to be cut and dried. I'd really like to know why i shouldn't reconnect romantically. "No means no" isn't justification enough for me - if she really wants me to back off she'll tell me to my face.

 

Based off of what you said about friendship though i should probably do no contact again to let myself recuperate before trying anything. Thanks again.

[Moley87]

Ahh tough one can feel your love in your message and sounds like your a decent lad

 

Most people know that my ex and I split as she is moving to oz firstly we argued split and ignored each other but when the anger shock dies down you start think logically and both of us knew we didn't want to argue as our relationship was built on communication which worked

 

You have to decide if you can accept love her decision and if you can deal with the pain that being friends will bring

 

Personally I value her more then losing her and we are now communicating on good terms which is nice

 

Isn't easy and believe me don't do it if you your not ready it will break any recovery you had but if you can it brings nice closure

 

Sometimes it's better to love then not to of loved at all enjoy what was but keeping a door open for her is very amicable and deserve a lot of praise

 

Just remember do what is best for you and your recovery

[Ruby65]

"No means no" isn't justification enough for me - if she really wants me to back off she'll tell me to my face.

 

That's what she did when she broke up with you.

[AmbiguousWhore]

Moley87 - I'm glad it worked out for you in your*situation. And i am doing what's best for me, hopefully. I'm making sure I'm the priority, not her.

 

Ruby65 - I disagree. The possibility is that she straight up doesn't want me romantically, but based off of what i've seen i don't think that's the case. I think it's more likely that i didn't fill her needs as a partner due to distance and her newfound friends supporting her in the ways i used to. While my expectations are low i still think that there is a tiny chance that i can fit into her life again, not into the old relationship, but into the new one as a new person.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

 

Ruby65 - I disagree. The possibility is that she straight up doesn't want me romantically, but based off of what i've seen i don't think that's the case. I think it's more likely that i didn't fill her needs as a partner due to distance and her newfound friends supporting her in the ways i used to. While my expectations are low i still think that there is a tiny chance that i can fit into her life again, not into the old relationship, but into the new one as a new person.

 

I understand your thought process here. You have a semblance of hope as do I in my similar situation. The difference is my ex said clearly he cannot handle the distance and later when I asked if there's a possibility in the future, (when I move there,) it was a clear yes. Obviously, who knows what will happen in the future - we might be in new relationships, we might change, no longer interested, etc.

 

So it's a matter of reflection if your ex is definitely open to possibilities in the future or if she was "softening the blow." Thus, using the distance as an excuse when really she isn't interested any longer.

 

You must be realistic, I've realized. I'm taking steps to let go of him. (NC.) I'm using this break to learn and I've learned so much and continue to everyday. That way, in the future I will be a much better person, further enhancing our chances of reconciliation but if it doesn't work out I will be strong emotionally. (Win/win!!) Who knows what the future holds but waiting and hoping for him only hinders my healing and keeps me wallowing in pain because I wish I had him now.

 

I'll add: you should be happy your break up ended so smoothly. She'll respect you for that in future

 

As for your friendship question: There's absolutely no way you can be friends after a break up until you grieve and heal through no contact. Friends don't have hidden agendas which you have because you want her back.

Edited May 6, 2015 by Ijustdon'tgetit

[AmbiguousWhore]

So it's a matter of reflection if your ex is definitely open to possibilities in the future or if she was "softening the blow." Thus, using the distance as an excuse when really she isn't interested any longer.

 

Who knows what the future holds but waiting and hoping for him only hinders my healing and keeps me wallowing in pain because I wish I had him now.

 

As for your friendship question: There's absolutely no way you can be friends after a break up until you grieve and heal through no contact. Friends don't have hidden agendas which you have because you want her back.

 

I think at the time she was just softening the blow. And using NC im working toward getting over her. If what you say is right, after a few months disconnection (or perhaps longer, it depends how long it takes me to heal) i should be able to be friends with her.

 

As for holding out for her, or waiting, I'm doing neither. Regardless of how things end up in the future i want to approach this with a clean slate. I want to drop all my previous emotions and desires, get over her, and approach her not as if she were my ex, but as if she were a new person i was interested in. I don't plan to hold out and be friends for the chance of being together, but neither am i pushing a relationship off of the table.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is that i've thought through this and i know it's over, but things change. I will not rely on them to change, i'll keep dating, and keep improving myself for me. But if she shows interest again i won't let it slide.

 

I was just worried about how to approach someone after so many months of disconnection. Maybe i should have posed my original question as "how to connect with a friend/ex after not seeing each other for a while?". While i need the space for me, i do want to fit back into her life.

 

Thank you for the input. It really means a lot, from you and everyone else.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I think at the time she was just softening the blow. And using NC im working toward getting over her. If what you say is right, after a few months disconnection (or perhaps longer, it depends how long it takes me to heal) i should be able to be friends with her.

 

As for holding out for her, or waiting, I'm doing neither. Regardless of how things end up in the future i want to approach this with a clean slate. I want to drop all my previous emotions and desires, get over her, and approach her not as if she were my ex, but as if she were a new person i was interested in. I don't plan to hold out and be friends for the chance of being together, but neither am i pushing a relationship off of the table.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is that i've thought through this and i know it's over, but things change. I will not rely on them to change, i'll keep dating, and keep improving myself for me. But if she shows interest again i won't let it slide.

 

I was just worried about how to approach someone after so many months of disconnection. Maybe i should have posed my original question as "how to connect with a friend/ex after not seeing each other for a while?". While i need the space for me, i do want to fit back into her life.

 

Thank you for the input. It really means a lot, from you and everyone else.

 

When you move on you no longer care about the how and when. You become indifferent. No more hope and no more worrying about them but about you. I'm not an expert with break ups so maybe some else will be able to share if there are adverse consequences when you're too hopeful and if that will hinder your process of healing? But that's what I think what will happen if you continue harboring hope.

 

In the beginning (and even now) I have the same questions about reconnection in the future..

 

From everything I've read, the consensus is: Our ex broke up with us, therefore, they should be the one to initiate. I was told in my thread, which had similar questions as you have, to wait until you are local then reach out. After that, my thoughts are, if my ex is interested then he'll ask me out. (He has always pursued me.)

It's a little different since you are a man, normally you pursue but don't assume she wants what you want. So you watch her actions not words. You would start with your curiousity about how she's doing. Ask that and proceed to asking for a date.

 

My new boundaries are: he must take me out on dates. You should create your boundaries aligned with your values, so that she or anyone else for that matter doesn't cross them and if they do so then you will know they're not right for you.

 

No picking up where we left off as this causes me to erase and effectively, "allow" a reset. I don't want to shroud my judgement of his past behaviors anymore. We become so "in love" and that shrouds your perception of who they really are. Then at the end of it all you're left hurt and broken. I will do everything I can to prevent that by being more cautious before deciding my next partner. That way, I won't end up as hurt as before. That means no idealizing and being more realistic about it. Essentially, that's what you're doing in a long distance relationship - Idealizing what could be but it's not very realistic as to who the person really is. I'm trying to convey to you that there are negative consequences of letting your feelings of love from an unrealistic persona create hope, which will inevitably cause you hurt in the end.

[Ruby65]

Ruby65 - I disagree. The possibility is that she straight up doesn't want me romantically, but based off of what i've seen i don't think that's the case. I think it's more likely that i didn't fill her needs as a partner due to distance and her newfound friends supporting her in the ways i used to. While my expectations are low i still think that there is a tiny chance that i can fit into her life again, not into the old relationship, but into the new one as a new person.

 

Breaking up with you means: I don't want to be with you romantically.

 

It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter what her life situation is, it doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree!

 

"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore" means "I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore."

 

"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore" DOESN'T mean "Please try to be my boyfriend again in the future."

 

Right now, you're in denial. But you need to get a grip and recognize this... because if you don't, you could find yourself facing a restraining order one day.

 

[AmbiguousWhore]

Breaking up with you means: I don't want to be with you romantically.

 

It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter what her life situation is, it doesn't matter whether you agree or disagree!

 

"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore" means "I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore."

 

"I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore" DOESN'T mean "Please try to be my boyfriend again in the future."

 

Right now, you're in denial. But you need to get a grip and recognize this... because if you don't, you could find yourself facing a restraining order one day.

 

 

I understand what you mean Ruby. I know you are right. At the same time i'm an optimist. I know people are open to change. Situations change. Feelings change. You're advice has been taken to heart, i promise you. I WILL NOT be pining for my old relationship, I WILL NOT be expecting her to want me back when i move. All that i will do is approach her and see how she reacts, see how things go, and let the pieces fall however they may. I won't be doing anything to warrant a restraining order, and i'm not sure if i'll even pursue her romantically myself. With each day and the help and advice of strangers and friends it's becoming easier to think this way.

Thank you for the advice you've given, all of it. It means a lot.

 

Ijustdon'tgetit - I think you are right. At first i didn't want to do anything but get her back. Then i believed that i would get over her, but in the end still approach her romantically. Now i'm coming to terms with trying to become indifferent and to let her make the first move. Thank you for your advice. I hope you can be happy and confident moving forward in your situation.

[Ruby65]

I understand what you mean Ruby. I know you are right. At the same time i'm an optimist. I know people are open to change. Situations change. Feelings change. You're advice has been taken to heart, i promise you. I WILL NOT be pining for my old relationship, I WILL NOT be expecting her to want me back when i move. All that i will do is approach her and see how she reacts, see how things go, and let the pieces fall however they may. I won't be doing anything to warrant a restraining order, and i'm not sure if i'll even pursue her romantically myself. With each day and the help and advice of strangers and friends it's becoming easier to think this way.

Thank you for the advice you've given, all of it. It means a lot.

 

You're not being optimistic when you see a future together.... you're being in denial.

 

Whether or not you agree with the breakup -- you must respect it. This will become easier in time.

 

So, no -- you don't pursue her, you don't APPROACH HER. Leave her alone. If she ever wants you back, she'll track you down and let you know.

 

Have you ever been fired from a job and just walked back into your old boss's office one day and tried to convince them to hire you back? No, of course not, right? Because that's crazy. Well, this is the same thing. Just like being fired: you walk away, focus on YOUR OWN LIFE, on healing and moving forward and eventually getting another job that works better for you.

 

Find someone who really DOES want to be your girlfriend!

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I understand what you mean Ruby. I know you are right. At the same time i'm an optimist. I know people are open to change. Situations change. Feelings change. You're advice has been taken to heart, i promise you. I WILL NOT be pining for my old relationship, I WILL NOT be expecting her to want me back when i move. All that i will do is approach her and see how she reacts, see how things go, and let the pieces fall however they may. I won't be doing anything to warrant a restraining order, and i'm not sure if i'll even pursue her romantically myself. With each day and the help and advice of strangers and friends it's becoming easier to think this way.

Thank you for the advice you've given, all of it. It means a lot.

 

Ijustdon'tgetit - I think you are right. At first i didn't want to do anything but get her back. Then i believed that i would get over her, but in the end still approach her romantically. Now i'm coming to terms with trying to become indifferent and to let her make the first move. Thank you for your advice. I hope you can be happy and confident moving forward in your situation.

 

Heed Ruby's advice. Focus on your own life & look ahead to your life without her. Everyday my eyes are being opened to the fact that my life with my ex is over & I see that I was in denial because it hurts more. The brain holds onto the hope and becomes cloudy so it's hard to process the reality. I know that it does that to help process what you can handle at the time in order to soften the impact.

 

The truth of the matter is she left. She no longer wants to be with you. You have to respect it and accept that she doesn't want to be with you. You cannot make excuses for why or what you believe is the reason why. If she wanted you she'd get in contact with you. No one wants to be someone's second choice. No pursing her. It's time to look forward to your life so you can find someone who actually chooses you.

[AmbiguousWhore]

You're not being optimistic when you see a future together.... you're being in denial.

 

Whether or not you agree with the breakup -- you must respect it. This will become easier in time.

 

So, no -- you don't pursue her, you don't APPROACH HER. Leave her alone. If she ever wants you back, she'll track you down and let you know.

 

Have you ever been fired from a job and just walked back into your old boss's office one day and tried to convince them to hire you back? No, of course not, right? Because that's crazy. Well, this is the same thing. Just like being fired: you walk away, focus on YOUR OWN LIFE, on healing and moving forward and eventually getting another job that works better for you.

 

Find someone who really DOES want to be your girlfriend!

 

I meant approaching her as a friend. We do still get along, i'm just putting some distance between us with NC atm so that I can be sure she isn't trying to be friendly out of pity. Being friends was always one of my goals (and no, not because i want to be with her romantically).