say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 So I had been texting my ex gf (dumper) very casually every 2-5 days a week. Light texts with playful humor. ALL initiated by me but she'd respond 2/3 times. Finally had enough of it and decided to go for the kill and here's the convo: Me: We should take (her dog's name) for a walk and do a little catching up. Something you'd be up for? Her: I'm sorry that's not a good idea just yet Me: That's fine. Don't be scared to suggest it sometime though! Her: I hear you. I'd like to share all that's been happening but don't want you to feel crappy. So I think it's best you're removed from it so you can be happy for me and not hurt Me: Omg you sold your dog! Lol. That's fine, just remember if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you Did I wuss out by that last response to her? Anyway now I feel 100% confident to move on knowing I tried. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
RoseHeart Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 My thoughts are... you need to move on! You definitely need to go NC after this discussion. I've tried several times to be friends with ex's both ways around (being dumpee and being dumper) and it never ever works out for me. Till you are completely over her you shouldn't be having little talks all the time. This girl doesn't want to be with you so why even bother wasting your time on texting her? I know this is harsh but here is someone who knows you and yet she still decides she doesn't want you. She doesn't even text you back sometimes ("she'd respond 2/3 times.") so really.. you are just beating a dead horse. Go NC immediately and cut the ties. You can do this just like the rest of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah definitely I just had to know I at least tried without begging/pleading. I'm the kind that would live with regret if I didn't try to give it a shot. She's a VERY prideful person so even if she wanted to try again I know she'd just force herself not to which is why I wanted to "leave the door open" with my last response. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseHeart Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm really similar to you. I also hate just giving up. I always try to do my best and give my all when it comes to relationships. I want to make sure I really tried too so that I don't look back with regrets. At least you know as you say. She doesn't deserve you doing anything. Even if she is prideful it doesn't mean you should be so thoughtful towards her when she doesn't even want you. As much as this sucks i'm sure that if she wanted you she wouldn't have given up and she'd come back no matter how prideful she is. You don't need to leave any doors open for her anymore. You've done enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 True. Throughout the entire breakup she was the one lashing out/trying to evoke reactions from me etc and I've been calm and mature. I wanted to continue it as a "no hard feelings" kind of way. Didn't want to come off butt-hurt. Apparently she has someone new (met him off Match) weeks after we broke up but it never fazed me and I dismissed it. Generally just don't care and I know it pissed her off. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Me: Omg you sold your dog! Lol. That's fine, just remember if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you Did I wuss out by that last response to her? Anyway now I feel 100% confident to move on knowing I tried. Thoughts? Cringed reading this. You took the express ticket to friendzoneland. Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Did I wuss out by that last response to her? Yeah. That reads a lot like "Alright, you shot me down. I'll still be here if you ever want some attention though!" Also, it doesn't matter how "prideful" she is. If she actually wants you back, she'll let you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) Yeah I hate that I said that but oh well I'm sure she knows I want more than friendship. Don't think it changed anything. I merely said it to leave the door open. If she ever reaches out I'll make my intentions more clear. We aren't even real friends. Haven't heard from her in close to a month. Edited April 12, 2015 by say_what Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Sounds like you were following that "text back your ex" program? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I didn't purchase it but yeah I was doing what it suggested. When I reached out she made a point to tell me she's seeing someone she's serious about and how happy he makes her (without me asking) Figured at that point my only "in" was to be on friendlier good terms Edited April 12, 2015 by say_what Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Contacting your ex every week or so with "light" jokey texts.... that's pretty much what they say to do, isn't it? Look, it's good she gave you a firm "no" -- just be sure to really hear that now. Stop reaching out, go NC and work on healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah contacting with funny stuff/subtly bringing up old memories. All gimmicks that appeal to a wounded person emotionally. In the case of my ex she seemed pissed when I made contact after nc for a month so I suggested friendship to put her on better terms with me. Figured she'd reach out easier in the future that way. Who knows. Operating under emotion sucks for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah I hate that I said that but oh well I'm sure she knows I want more than friendship. Don't think it changed anything. I merely said it to leave the door open. If she ever reaches out I'll make my intentions more clear. We aren't even real friends. Haven't heard from her in close to a month. She doesn't care if the door is opened or not. If anything, keeping the door open makes her a lot less eager to go inside, because she can see what's happening from the outside. Anyway, even if you closed the door -- which you should -- she's more than capable of breaking it down if she wants. Either way, please stop texting her for good. She didn't think you were being cute and friendly -- she knew exactly what you were doing and probably cringed when getting those texts. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah contacting with funny stuff/subtly bringing up old memories. All gimmicks that appeal to a wounded person emotionally. In the case of my ex she seemed pissed when I made contact after nc for a month so I suggested friendship to put her on better terms with me. Figured she'd reach out easier in the future that way. Who knows. Operating under emotion sucks for sure. This is exactly why your approach was terrible. It was a gimmick, a hustle, a con, and not even a good one at that. Your only "in" is for her to want you to be in on her own. Trying to manipulate her into letting you in doesn't work in the long term, and in your case, in the short term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I hear you. First ex I wanted back so I wasn't sure what to do. Think I made things worse? No intention to keep contact and we have no mutual friends/not connected via social media. She's an hour away from me. We're both in the dark about our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think you weakened your position in that I'm sure your motives were crystal clear to her, despite how cool you tried to play it with all those texts... or suggesting "friendship", ouch. But the real point is: she's made her decision. She ended the relationship and is dating someone else now. It's your job to respect that and work on acceptance.... not to try and con your way back in. Focus on yourself and moving on. Stick to No Contact. If she ever changes her mind -- which has nothing to do with anything you say or do at this point -- she'll track you down and let you know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think you weakened your position in that I'm sure your motives were crystal clear to her, despite how cool you tried to play it with all those texts... or suggesting "friendship", ouch. But the real point is: she's made her decision. She ended the relationship and is dating someone else now. It's your job to respect that and work on acceptance.... not to try and con your way back in. Focus on yourself and moving on. Stick to No Contact. If she ever changes her mind -- which has nothing to do with anything you say or do at this point -- she'll track you down and let you know! That's what I'm wondering if what I did /said would have any impact on if she decides to change her mind later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah, I think you definitely weakened your position with all those texts and offering to be her "friend." I think it probably came off as manipulative. But I also think you need to accept that there's nothing you can really say or do at this point that's going to have any positive impact on your future chances with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I hear you. First ex I wanted back so I wasn't sure what to do. Think I made things worse? No intention to keep contact and we have no mutual friends/not connected via social media. She's an hour away from me. We're both in the dark about our lives. You didn't make them better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Is the damage equivalent to begging, pleading, being needy? I'm kind of mad at myself now Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I don't think you were being overtly "needy." I haven't read the entire thread but if you were communicating with her and weren't crying to her (which would have certainly pushed her away) I don't think you did a whole lot of damage but you DID weaken your position. She clearly doesn't want you back though. However, what others have posted here is true. She won't step through the door with you because she can easily see what is inside there and its a place she's already been. The very fact that she said she wasn't ready to meet with you because she said it would make you feel "crappy" kind of says to me that she kept in contact with you to feel better about how she acted with you and assuage her guilt while she moved on. I would probably initiate no contact. If she asks, you don't have to be rude, just say that you were thinking about things, and that you need to move on right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I have initiated nc and it's been about a month now. Don't plan on contacting her anymore unless she does so first. When we had started texting it was after a month of nc from the break up. So wasn't right when the breakup had happened. Thought since some time had passed we could warm up to each other again since she was responding. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Sounds like you were following that "text back your ex" program? Lol ^^^^^This! I found a guy on youtube who talked about this. Checked out his website, and pulled me in. Wanted $140 dollars to the secrets of low contact and how to get your ex back. I thought "Heck no" but got these little email snippets each day (finally unsubscribed to it) . Some of them made sense, but the keeping in contact stuff was TOTAL b.s. especially if you were the dumpee (which I ended up being after being forced dumper and then regretting). Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I have initiated nc and it's been about a month now. Don't plan on contacting her anymore unless she does so first. When we had started texting it was after a month of nc from the break up. So wasn't right when the breakup had happened. Thought since some time had passed we could warm up to each other again since she was responding. Well, if when you put it that way. No, you didn't come across as begging from where I sit. But yeah, this isn't working for you. And, don't respond if she DOES contact you unless she has absolute intentions of getting you back! Time to ride off into the sunset my friend. You did your best and you can ride off knowing she doesn't despise you. That in itself will mean that even if she is never with you, you had an impact and with it, there will always be a smidgen of remorse. (don't hold on though!) There are damsels in other town along the way looking for their cowboy. Edited April 12, 2015 by fireflywy Link to post Share on other sites
Author say_what Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I never begged or pleaded ever not even from the beginning. I even told her "ok well I'm not going to convince you to stay with me" when we were breaking up. If anything I'd been acting like my usual self afterwards when we started texting though me initiating more than usual was out of character for me which is why I though ok enough of this I'll just ask to get together and if she says no I'll peace out. Also she threatened to block me and told me to stop texting her initially (month after the break up) when she mentioned a new guy and I said "it's funny someone you've just met is already making you "very happy" but ok :)" I didn't want her hating me so I apologized and then we started texting casually to the conclusion of the interaction. Edited April 12, 2015 by say_what Link to post Share on other sites
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