My boyfriend left me completely out of the blue with no reason

[Lost nemo]

Guys I need some help and some advise. Be kind please I'm very fragile.

 

6 weeks ago my boyfriend and best friend of two years left me. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to cover it, there aren't words to describe just how crushingly painful this is. The worst thing is I had absolutely no idea anything was wrong at all!

 

We had a wonderful relationship, we told each other we loved each other 6 times a day, we lived together, and for a long time we worked together, we wanted the same things out of life, we planned our future together. He would always tell me that I was the perfect girlfriend and that I was all he'd ever wanted in life. He talked about marriage all the time, two weeks before he broke up with me he went into detail about when he was going to ask me and where. And a month before that he took me to a tiffanys shop and pulled me over to the engagement section to ask me which one I liked, (I never pushed marriage though, he was the one to always bring it up.) He was my best friend, I loved him absolutely, unconditionally and without question. We always told each other that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

And then one night, totally out of the blue he turned around and said 'he couldn't see a future for us anymore' and that was it. No other reason. He said he thought he might go through life doing this to women every two years and that I knew this was a possibility when I got into a relationship with him. I had no idea he was going to do this!! He spent everyday for the last two years telling me he would NEVER do this to me, that he loved me and we were forever. And that was it, he kicked me out our apartment and I had to move back in with my parents 4 hours away. I've had to give up my boyfriend, best friend, my home, my job and the future we spent so long planning. And I don't get a real reason.

Of course I asked him for one, I asked him over and over again but he just said he didn't know but he just couldn't see a future for us. How could he not see a future when we had planned one? When he spent everyday telling me he wanted one with me?

 

There were no arguments, no warning signs, no nothing. I had NO idea anything at all was wrong, I thought we were totally happy, perfect even. I don't understand why he wouldn't have talked to me about how he was feeling?

Throughout our relationship I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, I always told him I loved him, I never nagged, I made sure he felt appreciated, I kept my size 8 figure, I always made sure I wore sexy underwear and makeup, I never ever stopped him from seeing his friends - in fact I encouraged it, I supported him with his work and always remembered to wish him luck for an important meeting, I bought him cute little gifts, I always wanted to have sex, I cooked for him and made sure our home was always nice, I payed for half of everything, I planned nice day things to do together we would both enjoy. I understand no one is perfect but I just don't get what more he wants from a women??!! I don't know what more I could have done or given to him and our relationship. Why wasn't i enough??

 

The only thing that had changed recently is he was drinking a lot more. He'd always enjoyed a drink but he started going to the pub most nights and getting off his face drunk. He wasn't abusive when he was drunk but he wasn't always very nice to me either, sometimes he was just mean to me, but I'd just put him to bed, give him water and painkillers and in the morning he would be back to his lovely and loving self and he would make me feel special again.

The night he broke up with me he got drunk. We were meant to have a date night together but he never came home, when he eventually got home I told him he had hurt me feelings and that you should stand anybody up no matter of its your girlfriend or friend. I told him I felt like I was sometimes an afterthought. That's when he went cold. I cried and told him I was sorry, I wasn't really mad at him, I asked him to cuddle but he wouldn't. He just went off and smoked a cigarette. Then he broke my heart.

 

He was also quiet a selfish person, he never really thought about how certain things would effect me. He could never put himself in my shoes or see where I was coming from. When we made love he stopped taking care of my needs, I think maybe he just forgot. I tired talking to him about it but nothing changed. But despite this I still loved him with everything, I was still really really happy.

 

I haven't heard from him at all in 6 weeks, literally nothing. It's like he's thrown me out like trash. That's how I feel, worthless. I feel like I don't matter and maybe I never mattered to him. I feel like our whole relationship is a lie, I just had no idea his feelings had changed or were changing. He kept up the pretence right up until the last minuet.

 

I've kept the no contact rule, mainly for my own sanity than anything else. I contacted him two days after he left me, I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him a really long and heartfelt email telling him I didn't understand but that I was willing to work on our relationship because I loved him with all my heart. But he never replied (and yes he defo got the email). And then I haven't contacted him since. I don't want to be the crazy stalker ex girlfriend. My parents have contacted him to get my deposit back but he said 'she can wait until I find somewhere else to live.' So cold. Does he not know how much I'm suffering?

 

I cry everyday, it doesn't seem to be getting better. I miss him with such intensity I feel I might burst. I still love him with all my heart, I still want everything I did before, I want the life we planned together. I thought we were so happy.

I feel really depressed everyday, I've genially started feeling like I don't want to live anymore. I just don't want a future that doesn't involve him.

I don't think I could ever trust a man again, I just don't see the point of life anymore. I feel like I was a good person but have only had bad done to me.

He's not upset at all, in fact I heard he's met someone else, this makes me feel worthless. How can he not miss me? How could he talk about marriage if he didn't mean it? I don't know who he is anymore, he's so cold and cruel.

 

I've lost my faith in life, please help.

[badpenny]

There is a marked and evident imbalance in the input into your relationship, and the crux of the matter was that you loved too much, and he loved too little.

You put your all into this, and it's clear to see why.

 

I think that you didn't FEEL loved by him in the way you loved him, so frankly, through your efforts what you were doing was trying in some way to make up his shortfall, by being perfect.

 

It can't be done, it's an impossible task.

Look:

Every couple can divide the relationship into two.

You have 50%.

He has 50%.

 

You have to give 100% in your half, and he has to give 100% in his.

 

if one partner falls short and only gives 40% of their half (that would be him), never in a million years can you give 160%.

That's not how it works, and can never ever work.

 

If I were to ask you to breathe for me, you wouldn't be able to do it.

And you can't 'love' for someone else either.

That's what you were doing.

Sadly, the more effort you made, the less he felt inclined to contribute.

He left you because he had no effort to make. You did it all for him, and you never challenged him, confronted him or showed a human side - that is, you never nagged and were always perfect.

Well, nobody's perfect, and yes, according to guys, we 'nag'.

 

But instead of never nagging, he should have been treating you like a thoroughbred.

 

I know you're hurting, I can sense that.

I know this is painful and I know your heart is shattered.

 

However, I am hopeful that in time - and with other responses here - you will see he did you a favour, and that you dodged a bullet.

 

Oh and I'd step up on your parents' call to him and send him a legal letter.

If he can be cold and heartless, it's about time you showed him what you're made of. Sue him for the deposit, and get it back now.

You should, by rights, be very angry with him.

[Moley87]

Lost nemo welcome and hope your holding up here

 

I would say here is that your relationship was built on you and not him , whilst you felt secure and comfortable I would say he wasn't and this could be a cause of the alcohol consumption.

 

Personally you are at the beginning of the breakup and my god its horrible and you will feel this way for days or weeks initially so don't beat yourself up

 

Firstly just take a breath and say ok this is the situation and look at what you got forward to this year

 

No contact here is going to be very very hard for you but this has to be a must for at least a while until you feel little bit more normal

 

I'm 2 months down the line and still recovering so just an example of the time

 

Your not to blame and I think you were amazing to put him to bed that's such a amicable loving person you'll make someone else happy for sure

 

Grieve it girl and let it make you stronger fate will always determine life just no you did it 100% right , hold your head up high and know this is his decision not yours.

 

Taking back the best of you and remember you have the best part of the relationship still with you (YOU) x

[backandforth]

Trying to be gentle, because I know you must be in an incredible amount of pain, but...

 

The first half of your post describes how everything was perfect. The second half talks about his drinking and how he'd be mean to you.

 

This is not perfect.

 

It sounds like he was going through some problems but he wasn't man enough to talk to you about them like an adult.

 

You sound like a really sweet girl, but that sweetness is something he has taken advantage of. The way he has dealt with you (and your parents) after the break up is thoroughly inexcusable.

 

Do not waste another ounce of your kindness on this man, he deserves none of it. Stick to no contact, grieve like hell and let him rot in his own "two year relationship cycle" bullsh*t.

[Itspointless]

He was also quiet a selfish person, he never really thought about how certain things would effect me. He could never put himself in my shoes or see where I was coming from. When we made love he stopped taking care of my needs, I think maybe he just forgot.

Hi Lost nemo, what you are writing here does not sound good. Some people actually think that they deserve everything right now, at this instance. Reading your story I doubt he forgot. It sounds to me that in the end it was always about him. With that I am not saying that he did not care about you, he just loved himself a bit more. Perhaps he had some narcissistic traits (Narcissistic Traits | New Health Guide). You sound like a great person. Take care about you, it will be hard for some time, but it will get better.

[sandylee1]

I'm so sorry you were blindsided here, but this guy sounds like he has a personality disorder, fear of commitment or both. I know you must be so hurt, but you really don't want a husband like this. You need a man who you can trust, who has your back and treats you right.

 

He kicked you outof your apartment! It wasn't HIS apartment. No normal human being, with all their faculties intact ends a relationship like this.

 

 

He didn't consider your feelings at all. He's taken no responsibility or apologised to you for his irrational behaviour. To go from looking at rings to breaking up, with no argument. If you were my daughter, I'd want you well away from this guy with such troubling behaviour.

 

Imagine having kids with him, then he just ups and leaves, because he sounds like a guy that would do just that.

 

You won't think so now, but you've dodged a bullet with him.

 

It could be he has childhood issues, he may have seen his parents in a bad marriage, but is scared. The issues are HIS. You sound like a lovely person.

 

One thing that helped me after a horrible break up, was telling myself that if he loved me, like I loved him, he'd never do that and as such, he didn't deserve my love. There would be another guy out there for me.

[coryreply]

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this friend. I know it's so painful.

 

Your last sentence, "I've lost my faith in life, please help." is what concerns me the most. It sound's like you had wrapped up your whole identity in your relationship with this fella. There is so much more to life than a relationship. I pray this time will turn out to be a blessing in your life, when you rediscover faith, and hope, and joy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Trying to be gentle, because I know you must be in an incredible amount of pain, but...

 

The first half of your post describes how everything was perfect. The second half talks about his drinking and how he'd be mean to you.

 

This is not perfect.

 

It sounds like he was going through some problems but he wasn't man enough to talk to you about them like an adult.

 

You sound like a really sweet girl, but that sweetness is something he has taken advantage of. The way he has dealt with you (and your parents) after the break up is thoroughly inexcusable.

 

Do not waste another ounce of your kindness on this man, he deserves none of it. Stick to no contact, grieve like hell and let him rot in his own "two year relationship cycle" bullsh*t.

 

 

I was about to post exactly the same thing. You made it sound as though the relationship was amazing and perfect, then go on to totally contradict yourself. It doesn't sound that great, to be honest. He didn't "just forget" to take care of your needs - he just didn't place any importance on them. I know it's harsh, but it's apparently true.

 

My honest suspicion is that he met someone else on one of these nights out, and couldn't deal with the guilt of staying anymore. Whatever the cause, and I may indeed be mistaken about him meeting someone new, he's treated you terribly and doesn't deserve your kindness or your love. Let your parents go after him for the deposit.

 

Do you have friends and other interests you can cultivate and lean on? I know this is so hard. Heartbreak is difficult but I promise, one day you will look back at this time and be grateful for what you learned from it. Cliche, yes. But it's true. This wasn't The One for you; now that you've cleared this garbage out of your life, you'll have more room for a man who actually appreciates your big heart. Take care of yourself, OP.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Your ex sounds really cold and unempathic. It sounds like he was good at saying the right things to keep you interested but that somehow it is divorced from feeling. You had said he didn't think of your feelings and had stopped trying to please you.

 

The disturbing thing is that he says he will probably do this every two years to women. I would believe that. It's such an odd thing to say that it's coming from somewhere deep down. He will probably do this to the next girl too.

 

I am really sorry because I can see how painful this must be. If you think about it, he was probably cold and unempathic all along but knew how to say/do the right things to make you feel he cared. I was with someone like this and it is very disturbing to realise you really do not know the person you thought you did. Did he have a temper? Just curious as the guy I knew did. I'm pretty sure that his behaviour during and after the break-up was him being angry expressed as cold and unfeeling. He did not have a reason to be angry but was pressurising me into setting up a tech system his way when I didn't want that. Any reasonable person would have negotiated.

 

Two years is a long time to find you reach a sudden end like this. Please don't assume this has anything to do with you. You sound a sincere and loving person. Perhaps you did too much to please him, I don't know, but that's something for you to look at later. Regardless of what happened, he's not the person you thought he was. Realising that is a good step on the way to recovering but I have no doubt about how tough that is. Please keep posting and people here will support you. xx

[Carm]

I'm really sorry this happened to you....

 

 

I can relate to this story. I had a very similar thing happen to me (including an imminent engagement) more than 5 years ago...I still remember the emotional pain I went through. He also became cold and distant at the very end.

 

 

You are grieving and you are going through a sad time but you will soon go through an angry period. It took me three years to get over him.

 

 

One thing to know, my ex did his best to hide the truth which was that he was on OLD and had met someone. This is something I found out after the break. It infuriated me to find his profile and read that he was honest and his father had taught him the difference between a man and being a male.

 

 

I know it's hard for you to grasp at this painful time but you will eventually be thankful he is out of your life....not yet, but I promise you will get there.

[joseb]

Big hug. I feel really sorry for you. What a dick.

 

"He said he thought he might go through life doing this to women every two years and that I knew this was a possibility when I got into a relationship with him."

 

Any idea what he was getting at here? It really is an odd thing to say.

 

If I had to guess, I'd say he may have met someone else.

If not, then he was just full of ****.

 

How long into your relationship did he start drinking heavily?

 

I guess the only consolation is that in time you will feel better - and that as he did this, he obviously isn't the guy you though he was so maybe you dodged a bullet not marrying him.