I want to tell my ex how I still feel about him, but..

[Kaley]

Hey everyone,

My ex and I have been apart for about 10 months, but have remained friends and keep in touch. I still love him very much and feel like he is the one I'm meant to be with, and I feel like he could very likely still hold those feelings for me.

The problem is he has a gf for the past 6 months. I know he's happy with her, but I genuinely believe he still has feelings for me. What we had was very deep and loving.

 

I'm debating whether or not I should send him a text that just lays out how I feel and leave the ball in his court. I'm not going to actively try to get him back because I respect the fact he's in a committed relationship. So I'm wondering if it would be appropriate to let him know how I still feel in case he also feels the same. I don't want to come between a couple, but I also don't want to let the person I truly feel is meant for me slip away.

[Jimmyjackson]

Hey everyone,

My ex and I have been apart for about 10 months, but have remained friends and keep in touch. I still love him very much and feel like he is the one I'm meant to be with, and I feel like he could very likely still hold those feelings for me.

The problem is he has a gf for the past 6 months. I know he's happy with her, but I genuinely believe he still has feelings for me. What we had was very deep and loving.

 

I'm debating whether or not I should send him a text that just lays out how I feel and leave the ball in his court. I'm not going to actively try to get him back because I respect the fact he's in a committed relationship. So I'm wondering if it would be appropriate to let him know how I still feel in case he also feels the same. I don't want to come between a couple, but I also don't want to let the person I truly feel is meant for me slip away.

 

He has a girlfriend, leave him alone. If he felt something for you I'm sure he'd let you know.

[HeBa]

Complications! I don't know if he loves you or not . But i don't know if he will leave his gf for you or not as well .

 

besides being friends and you know he had a gf but he kept you As "Good" friend..I'm getting mixed signs here

i would say don't send him a text ..if you are that good friends talk to him in person ,or skype or whatever something face to face . tell him what you feel if he loves you he will do what it takes to be with you. If he don't he will just start with justification..you will know.

Typically everyone will advise you to move on But I would advise you to do it so there will be no place for regret !

and Who knows. Best Of Luck

[Kaley]

He has a girlfriend, leave him alone. If he felt something for you I'm sure he'd let you know.

 

Thank you for the response. That's a fair point.

I think because he's said things that makes me think he still has feelings for me is what's confusing me. For example, I ran into him about a month ago and he texted me after saying "you looked beautiful btw". Little hints like that have happened a handful of times. I know him inside and out and he's not the sort of guy who would just say that for no reason. If I didn't think he had feelings for me, I would leave him be 100%, no matter how hard it is on me.

[Jimmyjackson]

Thank you for the response. That's a fair point.

I think because he's said things that makes me think he still has feelings for me is what's confusing me. For example, I ran into him about a month ago and he texted me after saying "you looked beautiful btw". Little hints like that have happened a handful of times. I know him inside and out and he's not the sort of guy who would just say that for no reason. If I didn't think he had feelings for me, I would leave him be 100%, no matter how hard it is on me.

 

Well he shouldn't be saying stuff like that, if his current girlfriend ran into one of her exes and texted him saying he looked attractive, what do you think he would think of that?

 

Anyway, it's irrelevant to try and guess how he feels as you can't read his mind. I've been the girl in this situation, my exes ex told her how he felt and it annoyed me as it is disrespectful.

[Kaley]

Complications! I don't know if he loves you or not . But i don't know if he will leave his gf for you or not as well .

 

besides being friends and you know he had a gf but he kept you As "Good" friend..I'm getting mixed signs here

i would say don't send him a text ..if you are that good friends talk to him in person ,or skype or whatever something face to face . tell him what you feel if he loves you he will do what it takes to be with you. If he don't he will just start with justification..you will know.

Typically everyone will advise you to move on But I would advise you to do it so there will be no place for regret !

and Who knows. Best Of Luck

 

Thank you for the response and kind words! I agree that in person would be best, and I absolutely would if he wasn't in a new relationship. I just have a hard time doing anything that comes between a couple, which is what is making things so hard on me.

I feel like if I texted him just to let him know that I still feel the same way for him after all this time, then he can have full control from there (whether it's to respond, ask to meet face to face, etc). But I still feel like it's not OK to do that to someone with a gf....

[Ruby65]

I think you should tell him how you feel so that he can tell you that he's moved on and is happy with his current situation.

 

It's not a good idea to stay in contact with your ex after a breakup for precisely this reason.... all these months later and you still have feelings for him and are still holding on to hope, even though he's moved on to someone else.

 

As for whether it's appropriate for you to even tell him how you feel: no, of course it isn't. But neither are your feelings for him appropriate. If he's a decent guy, he'll be straight with you and give you the rejection you need so you can finally move on.

 

In truth, if he wanted to be with you.... he'd be with you.

 

If you decide to walk away and move on, here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[HeBa]

Thank you for the response and kind words! I agree that in person would be best, and I absolutely would if he wasn't in a new relationship. I just have a hard time doing anything that comes between a couple, which is what is making things so hard on me.

I feel like if I texted him just to let him know that I still feel the same way for him after all this time, then he can have full control from there (whether it's to respond, ask to meet face to face, etc). But I still feel like it's not OK to do that to someone with a gf....

 

No problem but what i meant is for you to see how he look when you tell him even if he try to give you justifications for it you will know .

 

As Ruby just mention your feelings and the long road you come from having contacts with him for all that long period post break-up wasn't that right anyway. But, do it the way you see it right and be preprepared for what his response is going to be.

 

Good luck again

[Kaley]

I think you should tell him how you feel so that he can tell you that he's moved on and is happy with his current situation.

 

It's not a good idea to stay in contact with your ex after a breakup for precisely this reason.... all these months later and you still have feelings for him and are still holding on to hope, even though he's moved on to someone else.

 

As for whether it's appropriate for you to even tell him how you feel: no, of course it isn't. But neither are your feelings for him appropriate. If he's a decent guy, he'll be straight with you and give you the rejection you need so you can finally move on.

 

In truth, if he wanted to be with you.... he'd be with you.

 

If you decide to walk away and move on, here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

 

Thank you for the response. In honesty, if I were to message him that I still have feelings for him, I'd expect him to kindly turn me down and say he's moved on. I'm not being delusional about it, but knowing what I do about him/us and the signals I've been getting, I honestly think he might still hold on to something for me. He actually had a gf when we met, and I had absolutely nothing to do with it ending, but he told me way later down the line when we were dating that he actually had feelings for me the whole time and didn't know what to do about it.

 

I don't want to look back with regret, but like everyone is saying, it's probably not a good idea

[Ruby65]

I think you should go ahead and do it!

 

That way he can shoot you down... and you can finally move on.

 

I hear that don't want to break up a couple, but frankly that's exactly what you hope to do. And really, it's not like he's married with kids, and it sounds like he's cheated before with you so the precedent is set.

 

Go for it, take the rejection and use it to move on. FINALLY.

[Dondon]

If he really still had feelings for you, he would be with you, not with her. He moved on and he's happy with his new gf, like you said. And by staying in contact with him, you didn't even give him a chance to miss you. You probably helped him get over you.

 

A lot of dumpees feel that our dumpers were the one for us. That we were meant to be together and our situation is unique. But sadly it's not. If all this would be true, we would stay together. If you really respect him and the fact that he's in a committed RS, you will leave him alone. I know it's hard, when a person who you love and care about the most hurts you like this. Believe me, i was there 4 months ago. But there's nothing you can do about it. If it's meant to be, if he's really your "the one" he will come back to you on his own. But don't wait on that, because it won't happen. Your "the one" is still out there somewhere, and for him to find you, you must first heal and move on with your life.

 

I suggest you finally go NC. Isn't 10 months of sadness, hurt and seeing him happy enough for you? Delete/block him from social medias, remove his phone number and stop being his friend.

 

Here are 2 (modified) quotes i found here on this forum a while ago. I have them on my phone and reading them makes me feel better when i'm down.

 

I can't say i'm close to being over her, because i'm not. I'm still hurt and i still love and miss her, but i changed my mindset. I realized that the girl i fell for, the one who said and did all those things that made me believe in her, disappeared. She is gone, doesn't exist anymore. I realized i deserved somebody better. I realized that she lost out on somebody who was very good to her and for her. I realized she lost somebody, who would have never given up on her.

 

You are lovely. You have a lot of good qualities as a human being and qualities you bring to the relationship. You are special. And out there somewhere is someone desperate to meet you. They are out there. That special someone who is perfect for you. The one, you just lost, it isn't them. They didn't appreciate you enough, otherwise you wouldn't be here reading this. It's their loss. Let them find out how special you are the hard way, they chose that path.

[Kaley]

I think you should go ahead and do it!

 

That way he can shoot you down... and you can finally move on.

 

I hear that don't want to break up a couple, but frankly that's exactly what you hope to do. And really, it's not like he's married with kids, and it sounds like he's cheated before with you so the precedent is set.

 

Go for it, take the rejection and use it to move on. FINALLY.

 

I'm not sure why you think he cheated with me? He and I were friends before we ever dated. He had a gf when we met and we were nothing but friends for a solid year. He and his gf broke up and a few months down the line he asked me out. It was long after we became a couple he confessed that he had feelings for me since the start. The reason things ended with his ex is because she became abusive towards him.

 

We are still friends, and I'm happy for that. We didn't part ways on a bad note, things were just getting rough for reasons I won't get into and we both decided to part ways and be friends for the time being. It was hard on both of us and we both struggled for a long time with only being friends but felt it was for the best at the time.

 

If I were to tell him how I still feel it wouldn't be some huge blow out. He would likely tell me he's moved on, yes. But he would be understanding and things would be ok.

[Ruby65]

I think you're being a bit disingenuous when you describe your relationship with him as "friendship".

 

Clearly, there was more going on with his last girlfriend and there's more going on between you with his current girlfriend on the scene as well.

 

If you're going to continue to pretend to be just friends after telling him you still want to be his girlfriend.... then what's the point of saying anything at all? You're not going to move on, you're going to continue to fantasize about him and you're going to continue to attempt to undermine his current relationships.

 

Why bother? You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with YOU. That's who your "the one" is going to be... not this guy who has emotional affairs and keeps you on the backburner as a Plan B girl.

 

Move on and find someone who's thrilled to be your boyfriend.

[Satu]

I think it almost certain that he already knows how you feel.

[Kaley]

I think you're being a bit disingenuous when you describe your relationship with him as "friendship".

 

Clearly, there was more going on with his last girlfriend and there's more going on between you with his current girlfriend on the scene as well.

 

If you're going to continue to pretend to be just friends after telling him you still want to be his girlfriend.... then what's the point of saying anything at all? You're not going to move on, you're going to continue to fantasize about him and you're going to continue to attempt to undermine his current relationships.

 

Why bother? You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with YOU. That's who your "the one" is going to be... not this guy who has emotional affairs and keeps you on the backburner as a Plan B girl.

 

Move on and find someone who's thrilled to be your boyfriend.

 

I do agree with the part I bolded. But I'm not involved with him emotionally/physically, etc when he's with someone else. When I say we're friends, I mean we send the occasional text to touch base on how we're doing, or the occasional bump in where we chat for 5-10 minutes (I tend to see him every 2-3 weeks due to my job... don't ask lol).

I'm not chatting with him for hours on end or being flirty and playful. I'm very mindful of his relationship.

I think if I lay it out and he flat out says that he doesn't feel the same, then it may be the closure I need to move on. And yeah, I may need to cut all ties at that point, at least for a while till I move on as well.

 

If he wasn't with someone I would feel 100% comfortable doing that and risk the likely heartache.

 

Thanks for the continual responses Ruby65... it feels good to at least get out these thoughts and bounce it around I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this with in person.

[Ruby65]

True friendship is platonic. If you're still in love with your ex-boyfriend, still thinking he's "the one" ten months later, even though he's with someone else.... you're not just a friend.

 

You're an ex who won't let go.

 

Don't be that girl. Walk away -- for real. Find someone who wants to be with you and only you. You can romanticize it and tell yourself you're meant for each other.... but in reality, this guy is keeping you on the backburner by maintaining an inappropriate emotional involvement with you, by crossing boundaries of normal platonic friendship. You deserve more.

[Kaley]

True friendship is platonic. If you're still in love with your ex-boyfriend, still thinking he's "the one" ten months later, even though he's with someone else.... you're not just a friend.

 

You're an ex who won't let go.

 

Don't be that girl. Walk away -- for real. Find someone who wants to be with you and only you. You can romanticize it and tell yourself you're meant for each other.... but in reality, this guy is keeping you on the backburner by maintaining an inappropriate emotional involvement with you, by crossing boundaries of normal platonic friendship. You deserve more.

 

Thank you. I do agree with what you are saying. It makes complete sense. I guess it's hard to let go of someone I feel I'm meant to be with. I've had tough break ups before, but have always been able to eventually move on. The fact that my feelings have not changed at all makes me think that I should at least try to see if there's something that could possibly be rekindled.

Out of curiosity, if he were single would you still think it was a bad idea to see how he feels?

[Ruby65]

The fact that you still feel this way 10 months later doesn't mean you're meant for each other.... it doesn't mean you'll get back together some day.... it only means that you haven't yet moved on.

 

How do you move on? You cut all contact, online and off. You walk away and focus on healing and living your own life without your ex in it.

 

How do you keep yourself from moving on? You remain in contact. You pretend to be "friends" but with an underlying sexual/romantic undercurrent. You wait and hope for him to break up with his current girlfriend.

 

If he were single, would it be a good idea to tell him how you feel? Of course not. You're his Plan B. You deserve to be with someone who loves you too much to ever breakup with you or risk losing you to someone else by treating you like a Plan B option.

[stillafool]

You say you don't want to come between him and his gf but don't you realize that telling him you still have feelings for him is coming between them. You would be basically planting a seed of lust in his brain. If you don't want to come between them move on to someone new and stop thinking about him. I've had all of my exes tell me I look beautiful and I say you look good to and keep it moving. If he did want you back he would have asked you before getting involved with his new gf.

[Kaley]

It seems like the consensus is that this would not be a good idea. Thanks everyone for the input. I guess in my mind I figured that if I was honest and told him how I felt, at best he would say he still feels the same as well, and at worst I get closure and know without doubt it wasn't meant to be (no "what ifs").

 

But like everyone said, he's with someone new and it's time for me to let go.

[na49]

You think he loves you so much that he decided to date another girl for 6 months? If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I don't need to know your ex to know that.

 

Not to be a bad guy, but I think that you messaging him how you feel will only push him closer to his new girlfriend, or cause unnecessary problems in their relationship which is something you said you don't want to cause.

[Kaley]

You think he loves you so much that he decided to date another girl for 6 months? If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I don't need to know your ex to know that.

 

Not to be a bad guy, but I think that you messaging him how you feel will only push him closer to his new girlfriend, or cause unnecessary problems in their relationship which is something you said you don't want to cause.

 

No you're right - that's a fair point. I truly don't want to be a bad person by coming between a relationship. But I also know it's possible to be with someone and still harbor feelings for someone else. I guess since I was in that position years and years ago after my first heartbreak. I met someone nice who I got along well with and dated them for several months hoping my feelings would grow into love. But deep down I knew my heart was still attached to my ex (even though we had NC and had been broken up for something like 5 or 6 months and I did everything to push them out of my mind). I think maybe I've convinced myself that it's the case for him based on the way he'll talk to me or things he says that makes me think he still holds a flame for me but can't really say/do anything because he's with someone new. If I heard anyone else saying what I am right now, I would be telling them the same advice everyone else is. I'm really not crazy or desperate. I just know this guy so well and have such a strong feeling that he hasn't let go of me completely, even though he's with someone else.

 

But I'm not arguing what everyone is saying, because it makes complete sense. It's just tough to accept and come to terms with

Edited May 3, 2015 by Kaley

[Jimmyjackson]

It seems like the consensus is that this would not be a good idea. Thanks everyone for the input. I guess in my mind I figured that if I was honest and told him how I felt, at best he would say he still feels the same as well, and at worst I get closure and know without doubt it wasn't meant to be (no "what ifs").

 

But like everyone said, he's with someone new and it's time for me to let go.

 

The fact you broke up and he has given no indication that he wants you back should be enough closure for you.

[Kaley]

The fact you broke up and he has given no indication that he wants you back should be enough closure for you.

 

He has though. Maybe not that he wants me BACK (as in over his new gf) but has definitely implied that there's still feelings there. I may be misunderstanding, mind you. But I'm definitely not some love-sick puppy who deludes myself into thinking someone likes me when they don't. If anything, I'm very insecure and usually need to have someone's feelings spelled out to me to realize they're there. The fact that I'm getting the signals I am from someone I know so well (therefore, feel like I'm not misinterpreting them) is what's making me question telling him how I feel. If there was no contact or no clues whatsoever that he cares for me, I would not even think of messaging him, even though I still love him. I'm far too insecure to put myself out there without thinking there was a fair chance it would be reciprocated.

 

Not saying I'm going to message him. Literally every response to this post has told me otherwise lol.

[embeu]

I havent read all of the posts here.

 

Probably your ex still have feelings for you. The big question is what kind of feelings does he have and how strong are they.

One could feel care for an ex without loving them. If your ex bf is an emotionally stable person he would not have gotten into another relationship that is still going strong after 6 months if he still had strong feelings of love towards you.

 

But if you still love him and you think he might have these feelings for you as well you should tell him. That way you wont have to go on with your life with regrets, thinking what if i told him back when i had the chance.

But be prepared that he might give you an answer you dont like. He might also not give you an answer at all, and he might even block you out of his life.

 

If you decide to tell him you have to promise yourself one thing: If the answer is anything but 100% positive you have to go NC and move on with your life without your ex in it.

 

Please let us know what you decide

Edited May 3, 2015 by embeu