My bpd ex left a voice message...

[Clarkwg]

This morning at 8:30am. Basically it was telling me (not asking) that I'm having our child extra hours this weekend.

I then replied by txt message & temporary unblocked her number to have a txt conversation with her.

She was nasty by txt, she ended up ringing me, screaming, shouting, verbally abusing me then hanging up, ringing back & repeat repeat repeat. More txt more guilt, more abuse, more tears, more tantrums etc.

I was nearly at two weeks no contact then I let this happen & it's stressed me out for the whole day & I feel like I'm back to square one. She used our child as a reason/excuse then I played right in to her hands.

I feel angry with myself for getting drawn in yet again, I shouldn't have to receive any of this hassle as I'm no longer with her but it seems when she is on one, it's me that she targets get her anger out at & too thick to see through it, I buy the "victim" & "guilt" nonsense everytime. Why me?

Someone give me some advice please.

Edited May 1, 2015 by Clarkwg

[joseb]

Read up on parallel parenting.

 

Keep all conversations business like concerning your child, preferable by email.

Ignore anything designed to elicit an emotional response (I know, easier said than done)

 

Do you have any formal agreements regarding childcare?

[Clarkwg]

Read up on parallel parenting.

 

Keep all conversations business like concerning your child, preferable by email.

Ignore anything designed to elicit an emotional response (I know, easier said than done)

 

Do you have any formal agreements regarding childcare?

 

We have fixed weekly arrangements set in stone.

Yet the voice message was asking me & I wanted our daughter for an extra day & telling me I was having her for longer on sunday

[GorillaTheater]

Get your daughter as often as humanely possible and document it thoroughly. Not only because you like to spend time with her, but also for the almost inevitable custody battle(s) down the road.

 

Ignore the fact that she's a bitch-demon from the bowels of Hell, and focus on the big picture.

[Ruby65]

You need to find some way to stop bashing your ex and having conflict because you have a child together.

 

You can't do that to a kid. You're the adults -- if you need to go to counselling to find a way to co-parent peacefully, do it.

[BlueIris]

You need to find some way to stop bashing your ex and having conflict because you have a child together.

 

You can't do that to a kid. You're the adults -- if you need to go to counselling to find a way to co-parent peacefully, do it.

 

So true.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that your child's mother has mental health problems. I'm sure you're pleased to be having more time with your child this weekend.

[Clarkwg]

So true.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that your child's mother has mental health problems. I'm sure you're pleased to be having more time with your child this weekend.

 

I am but I just feel kind of stuck that at any given point of her choosing she can get right in my head & upset me or make me stressed out for days for little/no reason. She has moved on with her new man, she claims to be happy (not the impression I get) yet she still needs to have her nasty angry outbursts at me which does affect me for longer than it should.

[Ruby65]

I am but I just feel kind of stuck that at any given point of her choosing she can get right in my head & upset me or make me stressed out for days for little/no reason. She has moved on with her new man, she claims to be happy (not the impression I get) yet she still needs to have her nasty angry outbursts at me which does affect me for longer than it should.

 

Yep -- but you need to move past all that for your kid's sake.

 

Believe me, I know first-hand how hard it is to co-parent with someone who's not all there mentally! But over the past ten years, with lots of work, my ex and I have even become good friends again.

 

It's hard but you need to get over being so butt-hurt about her new relationships.... you need to move on and focus on finding new love for yourself and being the best dad you can be.

[BlueIris]

Train yourself to not take bait, to not see communications as attacks. Interact as you do with rather abrasive or assertive people in business or everyday life. If your child’s mother truly has a personality disorder (and it wasn’t just a slur), then you and your child will benefit from your handling that disability effectively and peacefully. If it was a slur, then it's something to get over. Your anger and name-calling only makes things worse for you. How do you handle negative or abrasive people at work? Do you take their bait and get upset about them? Or do you learn how to interact while minimizing contact to the necessities?

[Clarkwg]

Yep -- but you need to move past all that for your kid's sake.

 

Believe me, I know first-hand how hard it is to co-parent with someone who's not all there mentally! But over the past ten years, with lots of work, my ex and I have even become good friends again.

 

It's hard but you need to get over being so butt-hurt about her new relationships.... you need to move on and focus on finding new love for yourself and being the best dad you can be.

 

I'm trying to move on but then incidents like today happen & it sets me back somewhat.

I'm all for your constructive criticism & people telling me brutal truth I get that & I invite that but when you say "stop being butt hurt over her relationships" if it was that easy I'd have done it long ago

[Ruby65]

Not to say it's easy and not to belittle your pain -- but when you have kids, you kind of give up the luxury of reacting in such an emotional way to these things.

 

If you need counselling to help you manage this co-parenting relationship, seek it out! But every argument you have with your ex is really affecting YOUR CHILD.

 

[Chi townD]

I agree. The only time you respond is by text or email. And you only respond to issues about your daughter. Anything else ignore it. Don't get drawn into it. DO NOT RESPOND TO THOSE!

[Auspecial]

This morning at 8:30am. Basically it was telling me (not asking) that I'm having our child extra hours this weekend.

I then replied by txt message & temporary unblocked her number to have a txt conversation with her.

She was nasty by txt, she ended up ringing me, screaming, shouting, verbally abusing me then hanging up, ringing back & repeat repeat repeat. More txt more guilt, more abuse, more tears, more tantrums etc.

I was nearly at two weeks no contact then I let this happen & it's stressed me out for the whole day & I feel like I'm back to square one. She used our child as a reason/excuse then I played right in to her hands.

I feel angry with myself for getting drawn in yet again, I shouldn't have to receive any of this hassle as I'm no longer with her but it seems when she is on one, it's me that she targets get her anger out at & too thick to see through it, I buy the "victim" & "guilt" nonsense everytime. Why me?

Someone give me some advice please.

 

I think whatever it takes, unfortunately you are going to be the one to sacrifice and take the responsibility for being the adult, since she cannot.

 

Your child needs advocacy. Anytime you can ever possibly have your child more, is better for your child. The drama of court may or may not be worth it. If she willingly wants you to take your child more often, be available and don't question it. Be like the willow bending in the wind.

 

For your child.

[Auspecial]

I am but I just feel kind of stuck that at any given point of her choosing she can get right in my head & upset me or make me stressed out for days for little/no reason. She has moved on with her new man, she claims to be happy (not the impression I get) yet she still needs to have her nasty angry outbursts at me which does affect me for longer than it should.

 

I do believe over time she will have less power over you. As I'm sure you know, much of what she does is somehow allowed by you.

 

Take your power back. See her as a damaged soul you must protect your child and yourself from. You will begin to see her as an annoyance that you have been assigned to do damage-control for.

 

Her thinking won't change, but you can change how you react to her and when she doesn't get as much out of her rants, she will stop or at least decrease.

 

If she sees you as a benign person (even a push-over, even if you are not, just to get her to feel she is not being threatened in some way - her sense of self is extremely fragile-) you as a person who alleviates her when she is stressed with your child, take her up on that without saying anything negative to her or about her to your child. Make it easy for her to leave your child more with you.

 

On the face of it this appears manipulative, but with some of these PD's, its self-survival. And your responsibility as a parent to protect powerless children. The more you are with your child,the more they will be exposed to more normal types of human interaction.

[Clarkwg]

I do believe over time she will have less power over you. As I'm sure you know, much of what she does is somehow allowed by you.

 

Take your power back. See her as a damaged soul you must protect your child and yourself from. You will begin to see her as an annoyance that you have been assigned to do damage-control for.

 

Her thinking won't change, but you can change how you react to her and when she doesn't get as much out of her rants, she will stop or at least decrease.

 

If she sees you as a benign person (even a push-over, even if you are not, just to get her to feel she is not being threatened in some way - her sense of self is extremely fragile-) you as a person who alleviates her when she is stressed with your child, take her up on that without saying anything negative to her or about her to your child. Make it easy for her to leave your child more with you.

 

On the face of it this appears manipulative, but with some of these PD's, its self-survival. And your responsibility as a parent to protect powerless children. The more you are with your child,the more they will be exposed to more normal types of human interaction.

Thanks for this.

I guess as time goes on it will all get easier & hopefully the episodes like today will become less & less but just for now I need to expect that they will still happen & I need to handle them much different than I did today for my own sanity

[Auspecial]

Thanks for this.

I guess as time goes on it will all get easier & hopefully the episodes like today will become less & less but just for now I need to expect that they will still happen & I need to handle them much different than I did today for my own sanity

 

 

Protect yourself. Not just for you but also for your child.

[Ruby65]

Couldn't agree more with the above. If your ex is actually a Borderline, you've got to be thinking about not only transitioning to peaceful co-parenting, but protecting your child FROM your ex.

 

Borderline mothers aren't actual mothers, although they're very adept at appearing to be adequate mothers to other adults. They don't love or protect their children as normal mothers do. They almost always are emotionally abusing them... sometimes physically abuse them.... and every now and then, they go so far as to kill them.

 

I recommend you read the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson.

[Auspecial]

Couldn't agree more with the above. If your ex is actually a Borderline, you've got to be thinking about not only transitioning to peaceful co-parenting, but protecting your child FROM your ex.

 

Borderline mothers aren't actual mothers, although they're very adept at appearing to be adequate mothers to other adults. They don't love or protect their children as normal mothers do. They almost always are emotionally abusing them... sometimes physically abuse them.... and every now and then, they go so far as to kill them.

 

I recommend you read the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson.

 

Very true.

 

Its also possible that she "just" has traits of bpd, but either way, child must be protected. Sometimes leaning in is the best way with people who are incapable of being reasonable.

[Clarkwg]

Very true.

 

Its also possible that she "just" has traits of bpd, but either way, child must be protected. Sometimes leaning in is the best way with people who are incapable of being reasonable.

 

Maybe it is just the traits I don't know but it could just be a massive coincidence that nearly everything iv read 100% relates to her.

I just dropped my daughter off with her so was in her company for about 5 seconds.

As soon as I left she is all I think about non stop. It does my head in still.

[Ruby65]

But there's a difference between someone who has certain Borderline traits -- which many people have -- and someone who's an actual Borderline.

 

My only concern would be to downplay the safety issue to the child if his ex is an actual Borderline. A Borderline is never fit to parent -- the problem is, they're very good at acting as if this isn't the case. People who don't fully understand what BPD is might not realize that children left in their care are usually subject to abuse.

 

So I'd urge the OP to be fighting for custody -- to certainly read up on BPD and get professional help on how to deal with a Borderline ex -- and take every step possible to protect his child from his/her mother -- if she's an actual Borderline.

[Auspecial]

But there's a difference between someone who has certain Borderline traits -- which many people have -- and someone who's an actual Borderline.

 

My only concern would be to downplay the safety issue to the child if his ex is an actual Borderline. A Borderline is never fit to parent -- the problem is, they're very good at acting as if this isn't the case. People who don't fully understand what BPD is might not realize that children left in their care are usually subject to abuse.

 

So I'd urge the OP to be fighting for custody -- to certainly read up on BPD and get professional help on how to deal with a Borderline ex -- and take every step possible to protect his child from his/her mother -- if she's an actual Borderline.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

This can't happen immediately, so DOCUMENT and get along and TRY to make ex feel comfortable an not threatened to leave your child with you as much as possible!

 

If needed, you can use the documentation later. Right now, you need to be accessible for your child, no matter what it takes.

 

Be available to "off load" your ex all the time. If you aren't available, find a trusted family friend who can split the care temporarily with you.

[idoltree]

Be careful with this. Part of parallel parenting is to have that custody agreement set in stone so there is no reason to communicate. I see her wanting you to take your daughter for extra time as a way for her to start systematically taking down some of the boundaries you've built up.

 

And I am somewhat disturbed that it seems as if she is informing you of this, rather than acknowledging your independence and asking you if you can do it. If you let this play out this way, with her as the one making the decisions, it's a way for her to hold onto power over you. Soon she may be informing you that she's keeping her extra time. No no no. You are equal parents. Do not allow this to set up into her being your boss and you acting as her employee. You are equals and she needs to ask and wait for your answer before she considers it a done deal.

 

Not asking is assuming that she is still the number 1 woman in your life and you are there to meet her needs and make her schedule easier. As someone partnered with someone trying to parent with a BPD ex-wife, do the hard work now to make the separateness abundantly clear if you don't want your ex going nuclear and scaring away a new woman in your life because you've consistently enabled her irrational thoughts that she's still your priority. You are not her husband or her partner; assuming that your significant other will take over childcare for you as a convenience thing is a partner's job, not an ex's job. You have entirely separate lives and the best time to make that clear to her is now. She doesn't see it that way and if you hope to have a working romantic relationship in the next 15 years, you need to react in ways where she is forced to see it that way. A new woman is not going to be pleased if you're still in a relationship with your ex. Parenting does not include continuing to enjoy the perks of being in a romantic partnership with the other parent of your child. Having you as automatic backup for her is a perk that she'd like to slip in and not have you notice. Don't allow it.

 

I understand that you want to see your daughter. The trouble is, your ex knows that and is using it as a way to up communication with you. As someone said, document that you have your daughter on your exes time. But if ex uses this as a way to keep up the conflict between the two of you, start thinking strategically. If there is a pattern of her not using her time with your daughter, take her to court for additional custody time. This is where you documentation comes into play.

 

Try to communicate over the phone and in person as little as possible, because that allows for tensions and arguments. If you can stick to email (and text, though crazy exes like to abuse the immediacy of texting), then you don't have to engage in arguments. If she sends a diatribe with a little bit about your daughter, just respond to the bit about your daughter. Don't answer immediately, either. Wait. If she sends you irrelevant ranting, ignore it. Slowly you will remove yourself as a target when she gains evidence that you won't engage with her anymore. Phone calls should be for emergencies. If no one's in the hospital, there is no emergency.

 

Also, written communication means you have a record of what was said. What will you do if you agree to take your daughter via a phone call, and then your lovely ex calls the cops and says you're withholding custody? You need to protect yourself and have records that she was in agreement. That's the common sense way to prevent her from setting you up.

 

Parallel parenting reduces contact over time by reducing the need for communication. She's finding reasons to increase communication, which means increased conflict. That isn't good. And it not only stresses you out and sucks you back in to the vortex of crazy, it also impacts your daughter in that she has to witness more conflict and upset parents. That isn't good for her. Remember that you're doing all this not only for your peace of mind, so you can stay in the present and be emotionally available to your daughter (as opposed to constantly having the lifeforce sucked out of you via your ex's chaos). Less conflict is good for her and good for you. The only one who misses out is your ex, but too bad for her.

Edited May 4, 2015 by idoltree