Mixed messages from ex. What is his deal?

[SLee]

So I've posted my break up story previously, but here's the gist of it:

 

-Together 3.5 years.

-First real relationship for both of us.

-Both planned on having a life together.

-I have major depression/anxiety issues and told him I needed the pressure off from making such long term "grown up" commitments when we weren't even sure what careers we wanted yet.

-Both students.

-He broke up with me claiming it hurt too much to be with me and to try to have a real shot at the long haul.

-We live together until our lease is up this summer, at which point we're going no contact.

-We're already not texting so much and I'm doing my own thing at this point.

 

Last night we were just chilling out at home and he says these things like "I don't wanna date anyone, but if something progresses I'll go with it if I like it, but if it doesn't work out or I decide I don't like them, I might be like 'well [my name] is really cool, we can try that again.'"

 

I didn't really respond, just kind of shrugged, but in my head I'm going "NO. I'm not gonna wait around and be your back burner girl. This break up is what YOU want. If you don't want to be with me, than I'm gone, sorry."

 

And then, at first he was excited and relieved about not living together anymore, which is fine. But now he's asking "can we still like hang out after we move out?" and I just shrugged and said I didn't know, but again, in my head I'm like "NO. What is the point of being broken up then. If this is what you want, then that's what's gonna happen."

 

So what is his deal? I know that unless he actually wants to reconcile, there's no point in entertaining any of this, so I'm not going to. But I'm going to do my own thing and do what I want to do. I'm not going to be his second choice, and I'm not going to just wait around for him. I don't know how to bring this up without setting him off, because he's also an emotional wreck right now and I don't want to hurt him.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

As you said, he's looking for a back burner girl. Something to fall back on when he eventually falls.

 

 

Be honest with him. If he gets angry, that's his problem not yours.

[spiderowl]

Sorry, trying to understand this. Are you saying that he broke up with you because you didn't want to think about a long-term commitment at this point? If that's the case, then it sounds like he did want one and didn't feel confident enough that you would change your mind. If he is looking for someone who wants long term, then he may have felt there was no point trying to make it work with you when that might not happen ever.

 

If he's split up for the above reason, then it must be incredibly difficult for him at the moment. He'll probably be all over the place emotionally, wanting to be with you and yet knowing there is no point. If that is not the reason he split up, then there is a piece of information missing somewhere and it's hard to work out what's happening.

 

I can completely understand you don't want to respond to his mixed up ideas if it's his choice to break up. It could be that you two are just at different stages and if he waited, eventually you would want a longer-term commitment too, but it could be that you are not as keen as him or vice versa. I don't see how we can tell without knowing why you broke up.

[SLee]

HeartOfAPhoenix, thanks for replying.

 

I don't think he's doing it to be malicious, if anything he's lonely and confused and scared of being alone. But like at the first sign of me not being completely heartbroken and miserable over the break up, he clings back on to me. He's still treating us like a couple one minute, and then going cold the next. It's bizarre.

 

But at the end of the day, I'm not here to be a second choice or to be a back burner girl. And I don't want to make him sad or complicate our already complicated situation more, but you're right. I'm gonna have to be honest.

[SLee]

spiderowl, thanks for replying! I'm sorry for the confusion, let me clarify. Last summer, I had a lot of just unlucky/unfortunate stuff happen to me and was not taking care of my mental health properly, which I take full responsibility for. I (and him as well) was under so much pressure already from family, school, finances, etc. that the added pressure of him and I planning out this life together when we didn't even know what careers we wanted yet or who we were as individuals was too much, I was 20 at the time and he was 22.

 

I told him this last summer, basically that I just wanted the pressure off from such serious longterm life planning. NOT a break up or anything, just wanted some of the pressure off. I took care of myself over fall/winter and figured my life out and what I wanted. I told him we should give it a real shot at the long haul, whatever outcome. He flipped and now he's the one who doesn't want to commit to anything. So he broke up with me.

 

So NOW he's emotionally distraught, and stressed from life, which is fair and I understand completely. I'm willing to wait for him to come around, but he keeps saying it's a "break up" and one minute he "doesn't see being with" me, then the next minute, he clings back onto me. I get that he needs time, I'm willing to wait, but not to be a back burner or a second choice.

 

I know what I want in life at this point. I have goals and a trajectory for myself. He doesn't at this point. We're young and at a turning point in life. But I'm not gonna just sit around like a princess in a tower and wait around. That's just not who I am, I don't know.

 

Maybe I'm too harsh, but like I can't put myself through that. I'm just looking for insight! Haha.

 

Thanks again for your reply and sorry for the confusion!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

HeartOfAPhoenix, thanks for replying.

 

I don't think he's doing it to be malicious, if anything he's lonely and confused and scared of being alone. But like at the first sign of me not being completely heartbroken and miserable over the break up, he clings back on to me. He's still treating us like a couple one minute, and then going cold the next. It's bizarre.

 

But at the end of the day, I'm not here to be a second choice or to be a back burner girl. And I don't want to make him sad or complicate our already complicated situation more, but you're right. I'm gonna have to be honest.

 

 

He may be lonely, confused, and/or scared of being alone. But tip toeing around someone's feelings is almost always the worst option. I'm not saying full out argue with the guy and intentionally cause drama. Just be concise and honest, not just for this situation but most others you find yourself in.

[SLee]

HeartOfAPhonenix, I think you're right. And like I do care about him and feel bad for him. But he needs to consider my feelings too. One of my biggest issues is not talking about my feelings, but whatever outcome, it needs to happen. I'm just trying to figure out what he's thinking, I know it's probably not good to dwell on. But if he still wants all the emotional support, companionship, etc. that's in a relationship, than I'm just confused (in a laughable way, almost) as to WHY he wants to break up! It makes zero sense to me. So I've just been trying to observe and get a "read" on him, so to speak.

 

Should I keep trying to navigate it like this or just shut it down and give him reality? Neither of those options sounds ideal, but this IS what he wants, and there's a reality that comes with it. He can't have his cake and eat it too, so to speak.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

He can't have his cake and eat it too, so to speak.

 

I was just thinking "he's having his cake and eating it too" as I was reading your reply...

 

Just like with NC it's better the sooner you implement this. You are comforting him after he broke YOUR heart. If anyone deserves to be a little selfish right now, it's you.

[SLee]

Great minds think a like maybe? Haha!

 

You're completely right, I really believe. It's tough, because like I said I care about him and his feelings, he's a human just like me after all. I get all empowered and like "screw his feelings, this is about ME now", but I hate hurting other people, especially someone I've known so well so long.

 

But it was often like this in the relationship too. I would bring up something, calmly and concisely because I hate confrontation, and in the end I'd end up comforting him for something he did that (unintentionally) hurt me and then nothing would get resolved. It's bizarre, and maybe I'm just stuck in that mode of thinking. Maybe this sounds clearer than how it feels!

 

Thanks for replying. That's exactly the kind of thing I need to here right now.

[SLee]

Hey all, I just went out to dinner with my ex and good lord was it awkward. I want to note though that I didn't go to dinner with him hoping to have some amazing time and get back together. Honestly, he just offered and it was free food.

 

Some background: we're still living together until our lease is up and we're both students. For the most part, we keep to ourselves at home. Make small talk here and there. That's about it. He dumped me about a month and a half ago after 3.5 years.

 

So my play opened tonight (I do a lot of work in theatre). He came. He had to see it for a class but says he would have come regardless to support me. I never asked him or anything. I got him a free ticket, which I do for anyone I know, plus we're both broke college students.

 

Then he texts me before the show starts saying he would have gotten me flowers, but since I didn't want it to be a big deal, he didn't. That's true because I honestly didn't want him to get me flowers. Anyway, he then offers to buy me dinner afterwards, and I said sure because, hey, it's free food.

 

So after the play, we leave and talk about the play a bit. Get to the restaurant, and long story short, it was SO AWKWARD! We literally had nothing to talk about and all he did was talk about the latest project he's being doing (which he's been blowing off school and all other responsibilities for) and all.

 

And I don't know, I just feel kind of down and annoyed. We used to have a lot of fun going out together and had a ton to talk about and now it feels like we have nothing. Maybe I'm just bitter, I don't know. I did try to have a good time, making conversation and stuff, but it wasn't anything substantial. It was a good 2.5 hours of small talk and eating.

 

Also, he's confusing. He's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want a relationship. Which sucks, but I can accept that. One minute he seems relieved, the next he asks if we can still talk and hang out. One minute he says he doesn't see us getting back together, the next minute he says stupid stuff like "If it doesn't work out with someone else, I can come back to you." which is just awful and insulting, and I have no intention of being his back burner girl. Then he offers to buy me dinner and stuff as a nice gesture. I'm pretty sure it was only cause of the play and stuff, which is fine I guess. Still, I don't think I'd offer to buy him dinner at this point. And I just don't know what his deal is.

 

So I'm just sad that we didn't have anything to talk about and annoyed at him a bit. Sorry if this is more of a rant than anything. Anyone have any insight?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Would it have been more or less awkward after dinner, if you two had plenty to talk about and had a great time? Especially considering he's trying to keep you as his safety net. It may have been awkward but I would pin this up as an optimal experience given the circumstances.

[Diezel]

I really hope your lease is up soon.

 

This just sounds like it's on life support.

[hunk]

yeah this sounds horrific. You're in purgatory right now. He's probably actually enjoying this if i'm going to be horribly honest. He probably likes having you hung up on him like this and you being in his sight all the time while he calls the shots, it's comfortable for him. He doesn't want you but he wants to make sure you're still stuck on him and you're not seeing anyone else. You need to get the **** out of there ASAP and live your own life, this is torture

[PegNosePete]

Well, I hope you learned that there are more important things in life than free food.

[Ruby65]

I'm sorry the dinner was so uncomfortable for you -- but if the night serves as a wake-up call, it was well spent.

 

It's really your choice: you can continue to make excuses and be there holding his hand and stroking his ego as a Plan B while he looks for his next girlfriend...

 

... or you can choose the path of healing and go No Contact.

 

People go No Contact all the time when they still have to co-parent or work with their ex, and your situation is no different.

 

How you do this is you disappear from his world, you become busy and focused on your own life. You don't hang out. You don't go to dinner. You don't give him tickets to your show. If by some coincidence he attends your show, you don't acknowledge his presence and hang with your friends afterwards. You're no longer a couple and you're not even friends now: you're exes. If you and he have to cohabitate, that doesn't mean you have to interact unless there's a housing issue to be discussed. Other than that, be a ghost and make him a ghost in your life as well.

 

You CAN do this, if you're willing to be brutally honest with yourself about what constitutes necessary contact and what doesn't.

[SLee]

Would it have been more or less awkward after dinner, if you two had plenty to talk about and had a great time? Especially considering he's trying to keep you as his safety net. It may have been awkward but I would pin this up as an optimal experience given the circumstances.

That's a really good question I didn't even consider. I guess it went as well as it could have gone, given the circumstances. I'm definitely turning it down next time he offers. The only thing that made it painful was the frustration and awkwardness. Like I said, I wasn't hoping for some magical fun time AT ALL. It was just bizarre and strange.

[SLee]

I really hope your lease is up soon.

 

This just sounds like it's on life support.

Diezel, our lease is up mid summer but I'm gonna start packing as soon as school lets out this semester. It's terrifying and uncertain, but I'm almost looking forward to have space away from this.

[SLee]

yeah this sounds horrific. You're in purgatory right now. He's probably actually enjoying this if i'm going to be horribly honest. He probably likes having you hung up on him like this and you being in his sight all the time while he calls the shots, it's comfortable for him. He doesn't want you but he wants to make sure you're still stuck on him and you're not seeing anyone else. You need to get the **** out of there ASAP and live your own life, this is torture

Hunk, indeed it was! NEVER AGAIN. I mean, I'm not hung up on him, at least even close to how I was when he first dumped me. Recently, I made it clear to him I don't need him and I'm not gonna be a back burner girl and I'm not gonna wait for him. I'm fully prepared to stand by that 100%.

 

I don't know if he "enjoys" it, but I'm sure, on some level, he does get some satisfaction as an ego boost for himself. He's just messed up emotionally and confused right now. What I hated the most initially post break up was how much power and control he had over the situation. I have to much self-respect and stuff to continue to let that happen anymore. So I'm doing everything I can to make it clear that he doesn't have anything over me. I'm not going to stand by and get treated like crap, even if I do genuinely care about him and stuff. Bottom line, HE dumped ME. I don't want to be mean and vindictive or b****y, but this is what HE wants.

 

Like I said, the thing that just confuses me the most is why in the world ANY guy would drop $65 on an expensive dinner (he chose the place, not me) for his very recent EX!? Me opening a show is nothing new because I open shows all the time (producing, acting, writing, and other theatre work I do) so it's not like a major life event or anything. I'm not even particularly attached to this show and he knows it. Mainly it just struck me as down right bizarre!

 

He got a promotion recently and I congratulated him by just saying "Hey, that's awesome! Good for you!" but that's it. I didn't spend money on him or do any other celebratory things. If we were together, I might have, but it didn't even cross my mind at this point. We almost never did these sorts of special things when I opened shows when we were together, so it's just downright odd behavior on his part.

[SLee]

Well, I hope you learned that there are more important things in life than free food.

Indeed! I certainly learned my lesson. NEVER AGAIN. We went to a spot that my friends and I frequent a lot, so it's kind of sacred ground in that way! So that's not happening again.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

That's a really good question I didn't even consider. I guess it went as well as it could have gone, given the circumstances. I'm definitely turning it down next time he offers. The only thing that made it painful was the frustration and awkwardness. Like I said, I wasn't hoping for some magical fun time AT ALL. It was just bizarre and strange.

 

At least you've learned from the experience. It sounds like this whole thing has caused a turning point in how you're handling the breakup. So where this whole situation is ill advised, I'd say it's probably the best thing that could have happened... I hope at least.

 

Well, I hope you learned that there are more important things in life than free food.

 

WHAAAT?!

[SLee]

I'm sorry the dinner was so uncomfortable for you -- but if the night serves as a wake-up call, it was well spent.

 

It's really your choice: you can continue to make excuses and be there holding his hand and stroking his ego as a Plan B while he looks for his next girlfriend...

 

... or you can choose the path of healing and go No Contact.

 

People go No Contact all the time when they still have to co-parent or work with their ex, and your situation is no different.

 

How you do this is you disappear from his world, you become busy and focused on your own life. You don't hang out. You don't go to dinner. You don't give him tickets to your show. If by some coincidence he attends your show, you don't acknowledge his presence and hang with your friends afterwards. You're no longer a couple and you're not even friends now: you're exes. If you and he have to cohabitate, that doesn't mean you have to interact unless there's a housing issue to be discussed. Other than that, be a ghost and make him a ghost in your life as well.

 

You CAN do this, if you're willing to be brutally honest with yourself about what constitutes necessary contact and what doesn't.

Ruby, you're 1000000% right. In a way it was a wake up call. Basically, I've come to terms that he's not going to put in the effort to make this an actual break up. I'M gonna have to be the one to put my foot down and be firm. I'm certainly not trying to stroke his ego or anything, but my actions don't translate that. I'm only trying not to be completely mean or downright rude about the whole thing. But he keeps doing these things that aren't what people do in break ups and it seems more than anything he's fooling himself.

 

Yeah, I'm really doing my best at this point. No more hanging out, no more texting him throughout the day, no more telling him about my day or what I'm doing, no more telling him where I'm going when I go out, etc.

 

He doesn't seem to get it though, and it's probably my stupid fault. He even went up to my friends and was perfectly friendly with them after the show. After talking to my friends later, they said it was super weird and awkward. He doesn't seem to get that he's not friends with my friends anymore. We have some mutual friends from before we got together and that's fine of course, but this is different with my friends. Never in a million years would I dream of talking to his friends or casually chatting with them at an event.

 

Mainly by being somewhat friendly and cordial with him, I'm just trying not to set him off. He's super emotionally unstable right now. And he gets frustrated easily and has a bit of a temper, so I'm just trying to avoid all out war while we still have to live together.

 

Like I said, I'm not really "hurt" by the dinner thing, more just BAFFLED at his bizarre behavior in addition to his recent comments and behavior (wanting to still hang out after we move out, his comments about "maybe coming back eventually" which I saw right through). He's admitted he's attracted to me, that he cares about me (I hate that comment), that we both want the same things out of life, etc. So if he's still doing this kind of thing (like dinner and crap) than WHY does he want to break up!? It's more just frustrating and bizarre than hurtful at this point.

 

But I need to take MORE action obviously. He's just not getting it.

[SLee]

Sorry for posting so much so recently, all.

 

So I still live with my ex until our lease is up so unfortunately I do have to see him everyday.

 

Recently, he made comments like "Oh maybe someday we can try again." I made it clear that I had no intention to be on the back burner for him. Today, he tells me he said things like that "to be nice" so he either lied then or he's lying now.

 

I told him I want to go full NC after we move, which he agreed to, for the purposes of MY healing and that, at least for a long time, I'm going to have practically erase him from my life to heal. I don't want to, and it sucks, but I feel like it's necessary.

 

So today I get a text from a friend of mine (of her cat) from high school, who he also became close to over the course of our relationship. He said something like "I wish I could get cat pictures from [friend]". I just shrugged and said I was sorry. Here's a background on this friend of mine real quick for context:

 

-I've known her for 10 years.

-We were part of a friend group that ex joined in on when we were in a relationship.

-Shortly before the break up, they were texting behind my back constantly about anything and everything, including intimate details of the relationship between him and I.

-I'm trying to repair this friendship. Post break up, I asked her not to talk to him because it hurt so much. She agreed and they ceased contact.

 

Meanwhile, he seems to think that everything between him and all my friends is fine and dandy. In actuality, my friends don't like him all that much right now. I brought this up to them, because it made them feel really awkward.

 

Now he says I'm being too controlling and trying to "have custody" over friends. And he thinks everything is on "my terms" and he gets nothing. He doesn't even think that he's breaking up with me, he claims I broke up with him months ago, when what I said was that we were really young and shouldn't be thinking about things like marriage, buying a home, etc. when we were still in school and didn't know where our life was going to go. He said he couldn't do that. And so from there we just kind of carried on as is without talking so seriously, but he claims none of the feelings were there.

 

So, we don't even agree on what happened. And I know I hurt him really bad, and it kills me that I did that and I completely understand and acknowledge what I did set these things in motion. When I took time to take care of my mental health and got better, he ended it for good.

 

So he basically yelled at me, claiming my logic makes no sense. And it does hurt me that he can't be friends with my friends anymore. I want to consider his feelings and I don't want to hurt him, but he's just being mean and confusing at this point.

 

Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Am I not seeing reality correctly?

[Ruby65]

You're not getting it. You need to STOP having these conversations.

 

No, you don't negotiate. You don't tell him what you need. You don't make requests. You don't talk about texts from your friends. You don't try and help him understand what you meant or thought or said or did.

 

You STOP having contact.

 

Just -- stop.

 

Become a ghost. No more communication. Disappear from his world and make him disappear from yours.

 

That's what No Contact is. No more contact.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry for posting so much so recently, all.

 

So I still live with my ex until our lease is up so unfortunately I do have to see him everyday.

 

Recently, he made comments like "Oh maybe someday we can try again." I made it clear that I had no intention to be on the back burner for him. Today, he tells me he said things like that "to be nice" so he either lied then or he's lying now.

 

I told him I want to go full NC after we move, which he agreed to, for the purposes of MY healing and that, at least for a long time, I'm going to have practically erase him from my life to heal. I don't want to, and it sucks, but I feel like it's necessary.

 

So today I get a text from a friend of mine (of her cat) from high school, who he also became close to over the course of our relationship. He said something like "I wish I could get cat pictures from [friend]". I just shrugged and said I was sorry. Here's a background on this friend of mine real quick for context:

 

-I've known her for 10 years.

-We were part of a friend group that ex joined in on when we were in a relationship.

-Shortly before the break up, they were texting behind my back constantly about anything and everything, including intimate details of the relationship between him and I.

-I'm trying to repair this friendship. Post break up, I asked her not to talk to him because it hurt so much. She agreed and they ceased contact.

 

Meanwhile, he seems to think that everything between him and all my friends is fine and dandy. In actuality, my friends don't like him all that much right now. I brought this up to them, because it made them feel really awkward.

 

Now he says I'm being too controlling and trying to "have custody" over friends. And he thinks everything is on "my terms" and he gets nothing. He doesn't even think that he's breaking up with me, he claims I broke up with him months ago, when what I said was that we were really young and shouldn't be thinking about things like marriage, buying a home, etc. when we were still in school and didn't know where our life was going to go. He said he couldn't do that. And so from there we just kind of carried on as is without talking so seriously, but he claims none of the feelings were there.

 

So, we don't even agree on what happened. And I know I hurt him really bad, and it kills me that I did that and I completely understand and acknowledge what I did set these things in motion. When I took time to take care of my mental health and got better, he ended it for good.

 

So he basically yelled at me, claiming my logic makes no sense. And it does hurt me that he can't be friends with my friends anymore. I want to consider his feelings and I don't want to hurt him, but he's just being mean and confusing at this point.

 

Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Am I not seeing reality correctly?

 

How long is your lease? You don't have a friend whose couch you can crash on for a few weeks? You can't sublet and look for another place?

[SLee]

Ruby, I do think you're completely right.

 

Every time I do, he just gets really upset at me and yells at me until I give in. He doesn't understand how I don't want to be friends with him, because it "works with other people". I don't want to set him off, but I need to take care of myself too. I told him how the past stuff, or anything I did in the past doesn't really matter at this point. But he just keeps coming in my room and being mad. I'm trying to keep this livable, and be compassionate and don't want to hurt him more, but I can't just keep considering his feelings over mine all the time.

 

I'm really trying to be strong here and stick to my guns, but every time I do, he just makes me feel like I'm being some horrible bad guy and it makes me feel like crap. I just don't know what to do. I'm really upset at this point, I guess I'd say I'm having a really low day.