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On ave how long do females plan on breaking up before they do so?


Clarence_Boddicker

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Clarence_Boddicker

I'm curious, what is the ave time it takes a female to end a relationship after they have decided it's not working for them? Also, is there a term for it?

 

 

I'm aware that every individual is different and each relationship unique. I'm not judging that fact this happens either. Not trying to make anyone feel bad, just gain some insight.

 

 

Hearing some women's experiences would be great. Context would be good also. For example: At such & such time, I felt this which had me question that. Then I started seeing this which made it a deal breaker for me. It took this for me to call it quits.

 

 

Being in a relationship with shared children can of course change someone's approach to ending it.

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My guess? The Majority do. They plan for it. They usually have an escape plan ready when they pull the trigger on the relationship. They either have someone lined up already or they've talked it over with all of their girlfriends and have that support network from them when she does end it (that's why you find more men than women on here usually, because men don't have support networks set up and the women you do find on here are the ones that have been dumped because they were blindsided) So, when the girls pulls the trigger you are the last person to know about it because everyone else knows it's coming (at least her girlfriends).

 

 

But here's the rub. While she's making plans (and this applies to guys that dump as well), when they've decided that they will end the relationship, they've already started to disconnect. They've already mourned the loss of you and the relationship while they're still technically with you. So, when they pull the trigger on the relationship, they are already leaps and bounds ahead of you in the healing process that they are dumbfounded when you don't want to be friends with them when they say, "I hope we can still be friends!".

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todreaminblue

takes me a little while because i give chances.....or i try to compromise ...ill support them..ill try to motivate a change and if i see that we are on two different wavelengths or theres no change to be had....from then i end it quickly.....for me a red flag is drugs and alcohol follows that on second......and i honestly try to help them get off it....if they cant......i cant be with them..deb

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Im with Chitown on this.

 

Usually when you pay really close attention to your partner on a daily basis, you can see the disconnect incoming. Truth is however, we are often caught by surprise because we didnt excpect it: blindsided.

 

But when I look back on my most recent break-ups, I should totally have seen it coming. In my 2 year RS it started about 1.5 months before breakup.

 

1. Went on evasive mode when discussing things to do together.

2. Made up excuses not to go on vacation together

3. Partner did not enjoy sex anymore or even refused it.

 

Be on the lookout for these !

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Its weird because my ex girlfriend did not withdraw and there were no signs.

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Its weird because my ex girlfriend did not withdraw and there were no signs.

 

Most people will withdraw gradually over time and are usually very good at hiding it.

 

They're not usually deliberately trying to lie to you -- they're mostly trying to convince themselves that their feelings haven't changed. Because breaking up is scary and most people don't do it until they absolutely cannot continue in the relationship even one more day -- either because they can't continue to deny their feelings aren't the same anymore or because there's someone else they'd rather be free to pursue.

 

But yeah, this is why they'll sometimes act even more affectionate and committed right before the breakup.... because they were trying to convince both you and themselves that nothing had changed.

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three months

 

preceding the three months i would have seen a red flag/s, and would have naturally gone off the guy, so during the three months i am naturally not in need of him as much

 

i do try talking about what annoys or hurts me, loud radio (I could not live with him when he asked) and criticism where i have the sense to expect approval, here i think he does not really like me much and i bail disceetly

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Depends.

 

One I had tried so many times that in the end it was just a case of plucking up the courage to hurt him... which I didn't want to do. He was a good bloke but it was never going to work out. I knew about 2-3 months but kept trying. It was a week before I pulled the plug.

 

Another I knew for years. I just thought I should try harder... I worked my ass off and finally that was that. Again it took a bit of time for me to pluck up courage to do it.

 

The signs will be there each and every time. Touches will get less, she will look at you less, she will be quiet and thoughtful, she will stop asking for help or for you to do things with/ for her... She will be withdrawn. She will not make plans and will be hazey about committing to future dates etc.

 

If the signs are not there just be thankful as you were actually dating someone who has no connection with their emotions...

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I think there can be deal-breakers where the transition from checking out to leaving is swift, ie days to a month. Cheating, abuse, huge fights, hurtful things said, etc.

 

There are the slow burn deal-breakers where a deal-breaker occurs, but due to love, habit, fear, sense of duty, etc. the deal breaker is mulled over, examined, considered for months/years and then finally a decision is made to split.

 

Then there is no deal-breaker involved, nothing specific or a long term issue like lack of sex or general incompatibility maybe or just a general downturn in the relationship. This may result in a swift decision over something pretty trivial, "That's it I'm out" or a longer "Let's see how it goes" but one foot is already out the door.

Few really like change; with no real definite acute reason to leave, most I guess, just hang on in there.

However add in "an opportunity" and they will grab it with both hands. For example another man is interested, or they need to go away to study or work, or have a new job or new friends. That can put the relationship into sharp focus and deciding to leave the relationship is then easier and is then seen as the right thing to do.

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There are the slow burn deal-breakers where a deal-breaker occurs, but due to love, habit, fear, sense of duty, etc. the deal breaker is mulled over, examined, considered for months/years and then finally a decision is made to split.

 

That one is always my biggest problem...

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Most people will withdraw gradually over time and are usually very good at hiding it.

 

They're not usually deliberately trying to lie to you -- they're mostly trying to convince themselves that their feelings haven't changed. Because breaking up is scary and most people don't do it until they absolutely cannot continue in the relationship even one more day -- either because they can't continue to deny their feelings aren't the same anymore or because there's someone else they'd rather be free to pursue.

 

But yeah, this is why they'll sometimes act even more affectionate and committed right before the breakup.... because they were trying to convince both you and themselves that nothing had changed.

 

Thanks

Yeah she must have been good at hiding it. Do you think that perhaps things can just get to the point where you argue frequently that theres that final argument that just ends it all?

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Thanks

Yeah she must have been good at hiding it. Do you think that perhaps things can just get to the point where you argue frequently that theres that final argument that just ends it all?

 

 

Yeah, if this was your case, then the signs were there, you just didn't see them. Let me guess; if you think back on it, he/she was usually the one who started the fight.

 

 

It can usually be a subconscious way to cope with the decision they've already made for themselves. "look, I need to end this, all we do is fight" nevermind that they're the ones STARTING the fight. It's a lot easier to leave someone when you're mad at them.

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My girlfriend dumped me out of the blue the other week. Things were going as normal as I had hoped for (for us at least). Two days before she had even texted me back saying she loved me, we had it all going. Then....she went out until 6am that night and I got upset and asked her why she was out until 6am!? (She rarely goes out after 12am with me, so 6am is a huge difference). She tells me we need to talk, and then tells me we should go our separate ways... WTF?

 

I asked her how long she had been thinking about this, and she said over the past few months but was waiting for the right moment to bring it up. It wasn't 100% thinking about it, it was merely just thoughts that would creep into her mind every now and then, especially after small fights. Then the moment came when she decided she was ready and broke it off with me.

 

So the female dumper in my opinion (if I can really ever make sense of females), has thought it over quite a fair bit before breaking up with the male. They play out the consequences and scenarios and then one day....BAM... all gone. They are prepared for it while it hits the guy HARD. Although BOTH parties suffer, ultimately it is the dumpee who sufferers the most.

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So the female dumper in my opinion (if I can really ever make sense of females), has thought it over quite a fair bit before breaking up with the male. They play out the consequences and scenarios and then one day....BAM... all gone. They are prepared for it while it hits the guy HARD. Although BOTH parties suffer, ultimately it is the dumpee who sufferers the most.

 

I'm really curious.... exactly how you think male dumpers are any different?

 

Every time I've been broken up with, the (male) dumper has done the same thing... thought it out beforehand, gradual detachment, total blindside!

 

And yeah, I agree -- I think the Dumpee is the one who really suffers. I've never had much problem recovering as a Dumper, all you have to deal with is some guilt and maybe insecurity that you've made the wrong decision -- and even then, most Dumpees will take you back if you change your mind.

 

But when I'm dumped? The grief is so rough, it takes a year or two before I'm back to normal...

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Im with Chitown on this.

 

Usually when you pay really close attention to your partner on a daily basis, you can see the disconnect incoming. Truth is however, we are often caught by surprise because we didnt excpect it: blindsided.

 

But when I look back on my most recent break-ups, I should totally have seen it coming. In my 2 year RS it started about 1.5 months before breakup.

 

1. Went on evasive mode when discussing things to do together.

2. Made up excuses not to go on vacation together

3. Partner did not enjoy sex anymore or even refused it.

 

Be on the lookout for these !

 

 

Lord in heaven this right here ^^^^^

 

Ex all of a sudden was too busy to see me. This was someone that will beg to see me even for 30mins. She stopped calling/texting, wouldn't return my calls or text for all most 48hrs. this started about 2+ months before breakup.

 

I did notice it and called her out on it, she feed me BS which i choose to swallow. Then she hits me with it feeling me that she has been seeing someone for 8 months (my stomach turned).

 

If this is happening to you, your bf/gf is definitely seeing someone else. what all this chances mean is that it is becoming serious with the other person. At this point you are ****ed. There is nothing you can say now (honeymoon phase, so much excitement.).

 

Ex fed me bull that she isnt seeing him and wants to be alone/single lol. I know better, i know her soo much that i know she is incapable of being without some kinda man in her life. she feeds on the attention.

 

Keep your eyes open!

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Everything seemed to be going okay with my ex as well at first. I went on a business trip 1 month before BU, she texted me every day with saying how much she loved me and how she doesn't want to miss me for such a long time anymore.

 

I came back, everything seemed normal. A month after that she stops responding to my texts out of the blue. I come at her house and she tells me she can't give me any love anymore, because she wants to know who she is and is out of energy.

 

Did see it coming a bit, because she was texting another guy for a week..

Like someone said here in this topic, maybe they want to be sure that there's an alternative so they don't end up alone (escape plan).

 

Anyway, went one month NC, was doing pretty good actually, until I went to this party last friday, about 4:30 AM, I turn to my right and see her kissing that same guy she was texting with. Had to resist the urge to beat the **** out of him, but what good would that have done..

 

I know my NC is broken because of this, but at least she didn't see me so we didn't talk or anything..

 

The guy is 5'3 and has no future, so best of luck to them.

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Everything seemed to be going okay with my ex as well at first. I went on a business trip 1 month before BU, she texted me every day with saying how much she loved me and how she doesn't want to miss me for such a long time anymore.

 

I came back, everything seemed normal. A month after that she stops responding to my texts out of the blue. I come at her house and she tells me she can't give me any love anymore, because she wants to know who she is and is out of energy.

 

Did see it coming a bit, because she was texting another guy for a week..

Like someone said here in this topic, maybe they want to be sure that there's an alternative so they don't end up alone (escape plan).

 

Anyway, went one month NC, was doing pretty good actually, until I went to this party last friday, about 4:30 AM, I turn to my right and see her kissing that same guy she was texting with. Had to resist the urge to beat the **** out of him, but what good would that have done..

 

I know my NC is broken because of this, but at least she didn't see me so we didn't talk or anything..

 

The guy is 5'3 and has no future, so best of luck to them.

 

 

Yeah, don't you love how she found out who she is? She found out she was a lying and cheating shank!

 

 

Dude, you deserve better than that. This is only a little set back. Personally, I would have made it a point for her to see me. See the color drain from her face as you walked away, because now she know that you know the truth.

 

 

Ah well, get your revenge and lead a damn good life! Back to NC, dude!

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Musicguy201

My most recent, devastating breakup actually came in 2 stages, altho the first may have been a revelation of what already existed. Let me explain.

 

After her talking of our future, possible commitment, etc, at a point I thought was too early, I began to realize that our meetings were wrapped around her very busy social schedule; in other words, I was coming not first, but third or fourth. She gave little thought to my time off work, and I found myself being exhausted trying to see her when it was convenient for her. Also I received nothing but negative feedback from her friends about me. This was going on several months before the end.

 

The second stage was the final one: disconnecting, missing usual dates, although we still saw each other about as often as before. Finally, one morning, as she lay in my arms, I asked point-blank, "Are you pulling away from me?" She was non-committal, but that night she delivered my 'Dear John' letter vocally. Kindly, but firmly. The second stage lasted only a couple of weeks or less.

 

Two months later I'm still hurting, but better.

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My ex talked and conversed with her girlfriends for advice and opinions. To my knowledge when a person (especially a girl) looks for advice and opinions from their girlfriends/friends, no matter what their friends say.. it's pretty much been decided that she will dump you.. it's only matter of time and she's just looking for support from her girlfriends/friends to pull the trigger.

 

 

It doesn't matter if all her friends say that she shouldn't dump you, she'll only listen to that 1 person that agrees with what she's feeling or thinking. If she doesn't get the support that she needs, it just means she her decision to dump you is delay but rest assured, her dumping you will eventually happen once she either can't take it anymore or she finds what she's looking for.

 

 

In my case I knew there was a good chance she was going to dump me as she was going on a 6 month vacation and short-term long distance relationship just didn't seem to work for her. So it was easier for her to detach since she didn't see me or wasn't with me for awhile. They look for opportunities like these to dump you usually. But in their minds/hearts they had planned to dump you for awhile now but just couldn't muster themselves to do it.

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The signs will be there each and every time. Touches will get less, she will look at you less, she will be quiet and thoughtful, she will stop asking for help or for you to do things with/ for her... She will be withdrawn. She will not make plans and will be hazey about committing to future dates etc.

 

 

not always! my ex was planning our wedding with my family and kept showing me pictures of flats he wanted us to rent! also we had sex instigated by him the night before he blindsighted me. it was me that thought i might be becoming boring because i wasn't planning for them!

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I always got dumped in the past... In some cases I believe it had been planned, in another I think it was a knee-jerk reaction. One time it was essentially a "mutual" break up, I found out he cheated, drove to his house with all his things, and quite childishly threw his things out on his front lawn, he got mad, hit me, and threw me against my car. That was pretty much an "instant" break up, I got in my car, drove away, never saw his face ever again.

 

The one time I was the one doing the dumping, it was months worth of trying to work things out, a few weeks of beginning to feel hopeless, and then a sudden awful moment between us when I knew that was that, and all my feelings up until then came true, and I had to end things.

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My guess? The Majority do. They plan for it. They usually have an escape plan ready when they pull the trigger on the relationship. They either have someone lined up already or they've talked it over with all of their girlfriends and have that support network from them when she does end it (that's why you find more men than women on here usually, because men don't have support networks set up and the women you do find on here are the ones that have been dumped because they were blindsided) So, when the girls pulls the trigger you are the last person to know about it because everyone else knows it's coming (at least her girlfriends).

 

 

But here's the rub. While she's making plans (and this applies to guys that dump as well), when they've decided that they will end the relationship, they've already started to disconnect. They've already mourned the loss of you and the relationship while they're still technically with you. So, when they pull the trigger on the relationship, they are already leaps and bounds ahead of you in the healing process that they are dumbfounded when you don't want to be friends with them when they say, "I hope we can still be friends!".

 

What about the ones that don't want to be friends and don't want to talk to you or have anything to do with you and just go NC immediately? I guess everyone deals with these things their own way.

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kismetkismet

I had no PLAN, but I was struggling with some issues in the relationship for a few months. I always had some questions about certain aspects about the relationship. I would bring up the issue and things would get better for a couple of months and then something would happen where he would pull back again etc.. So i'd had doubts for a while. But I hoped we could work it out. Even when we went into the conversation that led to the breakup, i didn't think we were about to break up and neither did he, I hoped we were going to work it out. But in that conversation he said some things that made me realize he would never change, so i literally just packed my things and walked out.. I was pretty shocked by it myself to be honest, and I know he felt totally blindsided - which i feel absolutely awful for. But i think it was the right thing to do in the long run :(

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