Why is my ex of ten years so angry?

[dave_1966]

You may have read my previous post.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/517962-10-years-together-new-house-then

 

 

When my girlfriend Jules of ten years decided at the start of February to tell me she didn't love me anymore, after living with me for five years and moving in to my new house last summer, I was totally blindsided and utterly shocked. She had bought loads of stuff for our dream home in January and yet here she was a few weeks later wanting to break up. She suffers from anxiety, hypochondria, and dreadful insecurity. I took all this on board over the years, and because I loved her I felt I could work with it. Whenever she put herself down I would tell her how amazing she is, we had our issues like everybody has and I felt I was working with her on things. She was and is quite challenging, but essentially a charming decent person whom I loved completely.

 

In the two weeks she hung around the house trying to 'comfort' me after dumping me, it was like being with a completely different person. This person was hard with no empathy, and very cold and unpleasant. She has a couple of horrendous female friends and I overheard a conversation where she said that one of them, Ellen, had offered to come to my house and help clear her stuff out. At the end of this two weeks I asked her to pack a bag for two weeks and go and stay at a friends place to gain some space. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but the coldness and the way she hid her phone all the time was horrendous. I let her keep the keys to the house, but as she left I told her that if Ellen stepped in to my house I would give her a criminal record. You'd have to meet Ellen to believe how rude and intrusive this woman is, she's horrible. Jules eventually called me a couple of weeks later, to confirm it was over and offered me a chance to meet up and talk about it. I declined at the last minute, and emailed her to say I was going in to no contact to heal. I explained she could email to arrange collecting her stuff, and that it could be picked up by a removal firm once this was done. This would be the only subject dealt with by me via email, and I duly went to a friends place for the weekend.

 

This is where it gets odd though, I've dealt with getting her essentials to her work place as instructed but won't do contact with her. I've been devastated. The emails received from her have been clearly written by one of her horrible friends clearly frustrated that I won't let them in the house to snoop about and have been so cold that they show no compassion at all for a decade long relationship. There is no give and take about shared items, and no respect at all for my having allowed her to live free of charge In London for five years. I've almost boxed all her belongings ready for collection next weekend, and the emails I get from her are so angry and are getting pointlessly quasi-legal with talk about her turning up with police and demanding entry that yesterday I spoke to the police who put me straight on exactly what my rights are with my own property and I know I have dealt with this to the letter of the law right down to pre-empting the possibility of these extremely unsavoury friends of hers attempting to trespass on my property by having possible police assistance next week. They confirmed yesterday that I was dealing with this correctly. She dumped me, horribly, I've dealt with all this correctly and legally whilst being horribly upset and yet I just seem to be faced with an angry ex who's gone from a comparative nice lifestyle that cost her nothing to possibly her being faced with an expensive rent and storage fee for her belongings. She wont be able to afford her previous social lifestyle basically. These emails are poisonous and SO angry, and I don't really want her thinking she can rock up at my place with these friends of hers or a possible new boyfriend and have her rub my face in it. She literally wants to take away bedding, towels, the lawnmower, and it all seems to be to inconvenience and intimidate me as much as possible even though I can easily replace these items. Why would she be so damned angry when she finished it? She's now so unpleasant with these third party composed emails that I despair of her. I'm puzzled, and it's really killing any good feelings I had left for her. Can her actions be explained?

[Diezel]

Did you change the locks, yet?

[2011]

Sounds like you need a restraining order to stop her contacting you anymore. Not sure about the anger, maybe her friend has poisoned her mind, maybe she is jealous of the RL and drove a wedge between you so that her friend was also single or meeting someone else; women can be very persuasive about who their friends date and it's usually a selfish reason to suit them rather than the best interest of their friend. I don't know if her friend is single but it sounds like it.

[fancy feast]

Good on you for sorting things out with the police. I would suggest it's not really worth the energy trying to figure out why she's so angry. Only she knows that. Just get the rest of her stuff out of your place, and just ignore any of the weird emails you've been getting.

[Itspointless]

I read your two posts, I am sorry you have to go through this.

Can her actions be explained?

Keeping in mind that reality probably is more nuanced, yes they can. Anger is quite an easy emotion and very comfortable. It gives power, this way she does not have to look at herself, but solely can blame you. It complements her insecurity. Add some angry (men-hating) girlfriends to the mix and there you have it. Do not be surprised if she blames you for many more things that are not your fault at all.

 

The fact the she constantly was hiding her phone makes me a bit suspicious, are you sure she has not met another man?

[SoleMate]

She's angry because she's waking up to the practical i$$ues she'll be facing and it's a bummer. She may also be remorseful about having messed up a sweet deal. It's also annoying that a previously controlled person (you) is taking back his power and she's losing that control.

[10yearsgoneaway]

So she was the dumper and this angry?

 

My situation is close, but I was the dumpee and had to move out. I am the angry one, took certain things with me, like bedding (I don't know, when you are hurt do silly things) I've written very hostile emails..

 

 

However, my ex did tell me he "fell out of love" and then his response to my sad devastation, was anger.

 

some say the anger is from guilt. personally, I don't see that from my ex, but maybe yours. Or maybe she thought you would fight for her more??

[makemehappy]

Dave,

 

 

It seems you have handled this situation with a lot of grace. I don't think anyone can really answer why she is acting the way she does.

 

 

Maybe she is starting to feel the consequences of her decision? Adding the fact of her friends having an influence on her ( I think, if she is so insecure and having these friends with an clear opinion about this BU.)

And as said above: You're not bending over backwards for her, which is a good thing . Maybe she was expecting some more begging etc ..her ego got a little bit bruised?

 

 

Either way, I hope she stops with this nonsense or at least down the line apologizes to you. This is not the way you want to remember your ex after 10 years:confused:.

Keep your head up, you're better than this childish behaviour of her

[Ruby65]

I haven't read your other threads, but do you think she's so angry because you didn't get married? Was this something she wanted -- marriage and children? Ten years is a long time to give to someone with no ring or real commitment.

[BlueIris]

You told her that she could come back and get her things when you told her to pack a bag and leave. She left on those terms, and now you're changing them. I bet she is angry that she wants certain things and you don’t think she should have them. I've seen people fight over linens, just like you two are. It's not that uncommon.

 

Look at how much you talk about money and property:

 

… after living with me for five years and moving in to my new house last summer, I was totally blindsided and utterly shocked.

 

She had bought loads of stuff for our dream home in January and yet here she was a few weeks later wanting to break up.

 

… I asked her to pack a bag for two weeks and go and stay at a friends place to gain some space.

 

… I explained she could email to arrange collecting her stuff, and that it could be picked up by a removal firm once this was done.

 

… I've dealt with getting her essentials to her work place as instructed but won't do contact with her.

 

… There is no give and take about shared items, and no respect at all for my having allowed her to live free of charge In London for five years.

 

I've almost boxed all her belongings ready for collection next weekend, and the emails I get from her are so angry and are getting pointlessly quasi-legal with talk about her turning up with police and demanding entry…

 

… I spoke to the police who put me straight on exactly what my rights are with my own property….

 

…ex who's gone from a comparative nice lifestyle that cost her nothing to possibly her being faced with an expensive rent and storage fee for her belongings. She wont be able to afford her previous social lifestyle basically.

 

She literally wants to take away bedding, towels, the lawnmower, and it all seems to be to inconvenience and intimidate me as much as possible even though I can easily replace these items.

Edited April 26, 2015 by BlueIris

[Jessie1231]

It sounds like she's angry because she's realized what the real world is like and that maybe she took you for granted. You supported her and accepted all her issues for a decade, and she is now realizing that the real world isn't as easy as the life she had with you. It sounds like you're doing a good job of handling this. I would keep ignoring her rude emails and hopefully she will be out of your life for good soon.

[Sugarkane]

What a cow and how pathetic of her. What did she expect when she decided to end things, with someone she lives with?!