the $ and ring part of a BU

[ephemeralme]

If I may ask a bit of advise please:

no long story... to the point.

I purchased flights for myself and him; he was well aware and was part of the planning == a trip for a family ( mine) function this summer. The cost $790. He originally offered to pay, but I said no, my family function, I will take care of it.

I asked him to refund me after he walked away from our engagement/relationship. He said he would within 2-3 weeks. he hasn't yet. the tx is non refundable, I would have to use it elsewhere within a year. ( as if I really have any thoughts to travel alone somewhere in my life .... after my life has turned upside down) NOT

 

 

 

I also have the engagement ring, that I don't want to keep. It is a painful symbol of his broken commitment, promise ...

 

 

I almost want to send it back to him with a note about returning it because it holds nothing but negative/broken energy and hurt for me and in my home now.

 

 

I am told I shouldn't give it back but sell it. that too almost seems... so wrong in ways.... for me it was a ring I wore with incredible pride and devotion.

 

 

there has been NC for a month ( length of the BU to date)

do I send a note requesting the plane refund again? send the ring back with a note and the plane fare request?

 

 

thank you.

[BC1980]

You probably won't get the money back. Yes, it should be paid back, but it probably won't be. As for the ring, I'd sell it if he never asked for it back. Did you ever discuss the ring with him? Did he ask for it back? If he doesn't care, I'd sell it. If you don't feel you can do that right now, keep it for a year and decide at that time. You'll probably feel differently in a year and won't attach as much emotion to it.

[darkbloom]

Sell the ring and pay for the ticket with it would be my solid advice.

 

If you feel too guilty selling it, then send it back to him with no note. And use the ticket for yourself somewhere nice. It would be the high road if you keep NC and don't break it over a few hundred dollars.

 

If you must ask, keep it to the point and simple. Don't ask him how he is. Do not tell him what you've been up to. And don't tell him that the ring has negative associations with it. Too much info. He needs to think that you have moved passed it and that you don't care.

[Mrin]

I never liked the idea of women selling engagement rings and keeping the money. I think splitting it is the fair thing to do. So here is what I would do. Sell the ring. Deduct his airfare from his half and send the remainder back to him - if any.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I would be weary on selling the ring right off. Legally, the man has ownership of the engagement ring when the relationship ends. Him not requesting the ring though... I'm not sure how long the courts deem appropriate for you to claim ownership so I would hold off on selling it right away.

 

As far as the note goes, only make contact if this is solely for financial purposes. If you are just looking for reasons to break NC, don't bother.

[you must let it go]

I got ripped off my ex stole a £1000 off me. sell the ring get some money back the ring is yours he gave it to you as a gift its yours to do what ever you want with it!

[d0nnivain]

I Legally, the man has ownership of the engagement ring when the relationship ends.

 

No. The ring was a gift. It belongs to the recipient -- her, not the guy who bought it & gave it to her.

 

She can sell it if she wants to.

 

I agree with whoever said sell, deduct the air fare & give him 1/2 of the balance back. That is fair & classy.

[badpenny]

The ring was not a 'gift'. The ring is a promisory token with intention to marry.

As no marriage is to take place, the 'promise' is broken, and contractually, the ring is his.

 

What Happens to the Engagement Ring in a Broken Engagement? - FindLaw

 

She would have to check with her ex- as to whether he is willing to abdicate ownership, or whether he wants the ring back.

This would be an agreement between them, but she could request he pay his air-fare, if he decides he wants the ring back, and make that a condition of the return.

 

If he does not offer payment for the fare, or she does not get it within a reasonable time-frame, the agreement should stipulate that under those conditions, she would be entitled to sell the ring.

 

But a written agreement should be constructed, with the proviso that if he fails to enter into a negotiation, she can and will sell the ring.

 

He needs reasonable time to make his mind up, in both the case of the agreement, and the ring's ownership.

Convoluted, and long-winded?

Yes, maybe.

But if dome properly, will save anxiety and heart-ache.

[ephemeralme]

Thanks everyone;

I suppose I will sit on this a bit longer.

I *believe* I have always tried to take the fair and classy approach to things....

but===

$790 is NOT just a few dollars for me

I am now paying for a therapist and while it is for my benefit, I certainly wouldn't have been had he not walked away from our R.

 

 

I still feel he owes me the $ for the plane fare. He initially offered to pay for it and had he, this would have been for him to sort out and for him to use some other way. Now I am stuck with that.

 

 

I am still debating making a copy of the ticket receipt and placing a SASE to him as a reminder. NO details, no comments ... just that as a reminder. any thoughts????

 

the ring... the emotional attachment is still there.. I am not really ready to go and sell it. I will wait but likely won't return it either.

( honestly, I feel like taking a bolt cutter to it ... cutting it and then sending it) symbolically that would be fitting.

 

 

I am really in this very strange place ...one month since BU and NC and there is love, there is sadness, there are some tears...I keep thinking I should be crying more but can't find them... there is anger, pissed off and resentful, and then again there is such painful loss and grief....

 

 

( the past 14 months in my life have been filled with death, loss, grief, worry, stress, anxiety, challenges beyond my dreams with my family) and this ending just left me feeling and believe that this man didn't stand the truest test--- when my life was filled with all this, and I was still trying to find ways to go through each day with strength.... he walked).

he blamed it on me... so yes, there is hurt and resentment for me.

thus the $ . it won't help me feel better, but I feel he owes me that much.

 

 

sigh

[d0nnivain]

Sending him the receipt & a SASE can't hurt.

[veggirl]

If he ended the relationship, I think you can do what you want with the ring. If you end it, you should return it.

 

If you don't want the ring (and he didn't ask for it back) then sell it or something, I think sending it back unsolicited (if he dumped you) looks like attention-seeking and won't do you any favors in the longterm.

 

As far as the airfare, you told him not to worry about it when he offered to pay initially so imo that's on you. A decent person would, I think, pay you back without being asked, but I don't think he technically owes it to you.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

No. The ring was a gift. It belongs to the recipient -- her, not the guy who bought it & gave it to her.

 

She can sell it if she wants to.

 

I agree with whoever said sell, deduct the air fare & give him 1/2 of the balance back. That is fair & classy.

 

 

If it were in fact a gift then yes. But an engagement ring is essentially a binding contract in the courts eye.

 

 

I have a friend that wishes it was a gift. Instead she had to pay her ex back the full value of the ring by court ruling.

[carhill]

OP, here's my .02

 

Right now, do nothing.

 

Since the flights are paid for and not scheduled until June, a sufficiently substantial schedule change or cancellation could occur which would entitle you to a refund of your money entirely. Stuff happens. Stay on top of that.

 

Hang on to the ring and don't sell it, for now. It didn't cost you anything and emotions are running high right now. Re-visit later, about the time you have to make a concrete choice about the plane tickets, like the day before the scheduled flights.

 

My sympathies!

[BC1980]

If it were in fact a gift then yes. But an engagement ring is essentially a binding contract in the courts eye.

 

 

I have a friend that wishes it was a gift. Instead she had to pay her ex back the full value of the ring by court ruling.

 

Wow. I didn't realize it was that serious. My ex offered to give me my engagement ring back, so I took it in the hopes of selling it. My dad is actually the one who picked it up, and the ex had my dad sign a contract that he was taking possession of the ring for me. I thought it was over the top, but maybe it wasn't..

[ephemeralme]

OP, here's my .02

 

Right now, do nothing.

 

Since the flights are paid for and not scheduled until June, a sufficiently substantial schedule change or cancellation could occur which would entitle you to a refund of your money entirely. Stuff happens. Stay on top of that.

 

Hang on to the ring and don't sell it, for now. It didn't cost you anything and emotions are running high right now. Re-visit later, about the time you have to make a concrete choice about the plane tickets, like the day before the scheduled flights.

 

My sympathies!

 

 

thank you Carhill- appreciate your kind sentiment

 

 

I think I will have to wait this out..

I really don't want to have any communication with him.... I don't think it will do my heart any good right now.

 

 

maybe a SASE with the receipt and a note that asks "inform me what you want done with the ring?"

 

 

or ...maybe have someone in my family do this on my behalf.

this is all too emotionally raw for me still.

I feel I have an ocean of tears...... but they won't flow....

I almost don't know who I am anymore.

Edited April 26, 2015 by ephemeralme
typo

[ephemeralme]

Sending him the receipt & a SASE can't hurt.

you have a kind approach ... thank you

[Mittens]

In the UK the ring is NOT returnable...it's considered a gift. In the case of heirloom rings, unless there was a written agreement in place, you'd have to take some to the small claims court to get it back.

 

In the US the law regarding this varies from state to state.

[anna121]

Sit on the ring for now.

 

I have to say, though, I don't think he owes you on the flight. You said it was yours to take care of. Unless he knew at the time that he wanted to break up with you, I think this is just one of those crappy by-products of a break-up. The trip wasn't really for his benefit, it seems, or you would have been more open to splitting the cost, no?

 

Maybe he'll pay you back, in which case, great - but I'd avoid getting into a big back and forth with him.

[you must let it go]

In the UK the ring is NOT returnable...it's considered a gift. In the case of heirloom rings, unless there was a written agreement in place, you'd have to take some to the small claims court to get it back.

 

In the US the law regarding this varies from state to state.

True. in my eyes i wouldn't nore care if my 1st love gave it back it was from argos lol my last ex though 16 years 2 kids house ect wanted to get married I didn't! To me its just paper I loved her with all my heart. I wish now though I did marry her maybe she would have still been with me?

 

I remeber her hinting all the time she even had a ring on playing with it as a hint then one day she took it off and that was it I sleept on the sofa for 13 yearss waching my kids grow up! Dont ever do what i did stay for the kids it f** them up as well as your self move on- move out please.

Edited April 27, 2015 by you must let it go

[badpenny]

True. in my eyes i wouldn't nore care if my 1st love gave it back it was from argos

 

Mine WAS from Argos.

 

£11.99.

 

It's all we could afford at the time.

Don't knock it....