Will he come back?

[pidgeon1010]

My ex broke up with me to move to another state for a career. There was a potential he would have to move, even though he didn't want to but we never discussed what would happen if he did. Big mistake. Well he got an offer and long story short, broke it off with me. He has told me anytime he has picked a relationship potential over his career, the relationship has not worked out and his career has suffered.

 

For 11 of the 12 months we were together, he was depressed about career prospects and was having trouble finding the right opportunity in the state we live in. Another thing he brought up during the break up was the fact that if he saw a future, then he wouldn't be moving so that says something. He mentioned how the things that make us compatible can also be bad in certain situations. I am not social butterfly (and he isn't either but forces himself to do so) and there were a few times during the year he invited me to meet his friends and a family member and I took a rain check. Mainly because I am really extremely shy and meeting new people is hard for me. I didn't realize it would come back to bite me in the behind. He described our relationship as good but not great over the year.

 

He said basically time had run out for us because we needed more time to see if we could take the relationship to the next step (i.e. marriage, kids, etc). Also when we were together he asked me my timelines for marriage and kids and I just came up with some ballpark estimates that were not set in stone but he apparently took that seriously. So during the breakup talk, he mentioned he couldn't meet those deadlines. When he left, he said he was open to any solutions I had if I had any but he had considered everything and it only pointed to us breaking up. He had initially said we should take a break for a month but I dismissed that. Either we are together or we are not.

 

Anyways we both agree that long distance relationships ultimately do not work but i figured we would do that for a short time and I would move. I have a career that I could transition to the state he is moving to with good planning but he didn't even give me the option. He just said he didn't want me to move for him because he couldn't guarantee the relationship would work and then I would have ruined my career by moving.

 

I have emailed him a few times since we had the breakup talk and each time he has responded. One time, he actually initiated the email and told me he missed me and that it sucked. [he has always told me he doesn't want to move to that state but i do realize his hands are tied. He did try to find the right opportunity in the state we live in and it just didn't pan out whereas in the state he is moving to, he has been offered several opportunities).

 

I am distraught because i really do have strong feelings for him. I have cut the email communication contact and told him we have pretty much said everything there is to say to each other so it's time for both of us to move on. He hasn't responded to that email so I assume he agrees and is now honoring my request. This feels terrible. I think about him moving to this new state, meeting someone else and getting married and I can barely function. It is devastating. I wonder if I will ever hear from him again. We really had no major arguments when we were together and got along well. But we did in a way create a little bubble since we mostly hang out with each other. His ex before me was gregarious/outgoing/social butterfly so maybe that's what he wants to complement his personality. That's definitely not me but I would have eventually met his friends and family (I did meet him sister and his parents live out of state so hadn't met them yet). It would have been inevitable. I guess time has just run out for me. I don't know what to do.

 

I wonder if this is it.....gosh this sucks

[quattrob]

Seems like your relationship with him has run it's course, as he put it. It does not seem he believes you two can take it to the next level (marriage, kids, family etc). And it does seem there's not enough spark between you two to carry on. Like he said, your relationship with him was good but not great. Timing just isn't right.

 

There isn't much to blame yourself on, sometimes people break up because the relationship isn't going anywhere... it's just there.. It is normal for exes to miss each other as you've been together for awhile, I say he just misses the companionship rather than him loving you.. If he really felt like he loved you, he would definitely fight harder for it to work out.

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this but at the very least you guys didn't end it in a terrible/bad way. Whether or not he'll come back no one will know, not even himself. So it's best not to think about that, instead learn to live without him and be happy without him. It is foolish to wait and hope for something that may or may not happen.. it is a waste of life.

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks Quattrob. I will work on myself and move on. Easier said than done but the alternative is to wallow in self pity long term and that sounds tedious. It's just hard when he acknowledges that if he had found a job and was staying, we wouldn't be having the break up conversation. Not sure why fate brought him into my life. Sucky.

Edited April 26, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[erklat]

Roles of some people in our lives are revealed sometimes only

years when we removed them from it.

[pidgeon1010]

UPDATE-My ex wants us to talk about finding a solution to the breakup. Based on a past relationship, he has said long distance doesn't work and he initially said he doesn't want me to move in case the relationship doesn't work and it ruins my career. What more is there to talk about then? He says he misses me but feels like he is stuck in a box and can't find a way out......should I meet with him or tell him to figure himself out, move/get settled and then we can discuss?

[sober and dry]

He looks like the Schrödinger cat... He is but he isn't...

[ravfour4]

Sounds like a weird situation, if he had been super happy in the relationship, he probably would have been happy with his life and not so set on finding the "perfect career" or perfect marriage/children deadlines, he would have just went with the flow as long as you supported each other.

 

If he is solely breaking up with you because he's afraid the long distance thing won't work and doesn't want you to move, only for the relationship to fall apart and for you to give up a career, it at least sounds like he's thinking things through. If you still love him and you think he loves you, I'd ask if he's more afraid the relationship won't work out (if so, it probably won't and you should end it) or that you'll have to give up your career (if that's it and you're willing to move, it could work out).

[HeBa]

well he sounds so much like my ex , and i think those kinds of people are never happy with where they are . there will be some career problem , schedule conflict or anything

that will make them have a second thought about the relationship . what i know that if you are in serious relationship and you feel like you can't lose the one you love you will work for , rather than coming up with excuses and put plan with deadlines.

this may sound harsh but as i see it it ain't going to work .

 

the decision after all is only yours .

[badpenny]

UPDATE-My ex wants us to talk about finding a solution to the breakup. Based on a past relationship, he has said long distance doesn't work and he initially said he doesn't want me to move in case the relationship doesn't work and it ruins my career. What more is there to talk about then? He says he misses me but feels like he is stuck in a box and can't find a way out......should I meet with him or tell him to figure himself out, move/get settled and then we can discuss?

 

Very revealing.

 

If you analyse the two above comments, what they're saying (IMHO) is this:

 

You've become a habit I am finding hard to break.

I miss the familiarity of having you on the sidelines.

The effort required to make this really, but really work, is too much for me to consider, but I still like having you there, because I've grown used to you.

 

He's used to using you as an emotional prop. He wants you to still be there for him, but he's sending the subliminal message that this is really a temporary stop-gap for his convenience.

I'm sure he would deny this, if confronted with it. He is undoubtedly unaware that this is what he's asking. Hence the 'stuck in a box' dilemma.

 

But he wants you in his life as a comfort-zone.

 

Look at it dispassionately.

What would be in it for you, if it doesn't fulfil what you dream of?

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to correct spelling

[Ruby65]

He describes your relationship as "good but not great" and doesn't want you to move because he can't guarantee the relationship will last?

 

Does he tell you that he loves you?

 

It's obvious you really care about this guy.... but do you really think he's as in love and invested as you are? It just doesn't sound that way, from what I've read.

 

As to his recent proposition -- he wants to discuss a "solution" to the breakup, hmmm..... be careful. It could just be, he wants to get together and have some breakup sex before he moves.

 

Here's my problem with your guy, it's what he isn't saying. He isn't saying "I love you so much I can't live without you" and he isn't saying "please come with me when I move." He's seeing the negatives, he doesn't seem to register the positives of being with you, which is.... being with you!

 

Honestly, I'd just let him do all the work, here. If he wants you back, hear what he has to say and let him convince you that it's a good idea. Also, I'd talk to him on the phone and not in person because, awful as it sounds, I suspect he's looking to hook up.

 

Just my take.

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your feedback and will see what he has to say.

 

Frankly, we both agree the relationship was good but not great. He lost his job a month after we met and has been depressed since then and only found this job, a year later...in another state (a state he has resisted moving to even for years and is still not 100% about moving to but feels like he has to jump-start his career.) Also although we were together for a year, I was busy with my career (whereas he had so much free time on in hands) so we didn't spend as much time as he wanted together. The "relationship time" doesn't match the "calendar time." We did have conversations over the year about our relationship, etc. and we both agreed to take the next steps of living together (was a week away) so we could figure things out. And then he got this new job offer and everything came to a standstill.

 

One of his emails to me was the fact that anytime he has picked a relationship potential over his career, it has set him further and further back in his career. It doesn't have to be the way but it just is, he said. Then he said I deserved better than the situation and what he is right now (lol the cliche' parting words). Apparently he had another opportunity earlier on in the year, in the new state that he didn't tell me about and didn't take because of me. He said he felt like if he stayed, he would be resentful of me and didn't want that. I actually don't want him to stay because of me. He is very talented at what he does and has been stifled in the state we live in, for whatever reason.

 

So basically this time around, he is picking career over us because we both are still not certain if it will work out eventually. The only difference is that he thinks my career will be ruined if I move. He is unaware my company has an office in the city he is moving to and I didn't tell him that when he was running all the scenarios by me during the breakup talk. I was pissed/disappointed....all the emotions. We left off with him saying he wanted me to think about it too and let him know if I saw a way for us to continue the relationship. I subsequently sent him an email essentially saying "goodbye."

 

I will meet with him to see what he has to say and go from there. Although it may be hard, the best decision for me may be to release him and let him go. OR maybe he will move, realize he dislikes the state even more than he thought and then move back but I am not holding out hope for that. I'll just move on and if we are meant to be together, it will work itself out.

Edited May 3, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[Ruby65]

Has he told you that he loves you? Is he passionate about his feelings for you?

 

What I'm afraid of, from what you've posted, is that you're projecting your feelings onto him. You're still in couple mode, writing "we" when really describing your own separate experience.... you know what he says, but I don't think you know what he thinks and feels as well as you believe you do. From the outside, he seems quite detached (to me, just based on what you've posted.)

 

You really can find someone who's crazy in love with you -- that's what you should be comparing him and his behavior to right now. Not comparing it to being alone.... but comparing it to being with someone who adores you.

 

In my experience, anyway, someone who's really in love doesn't act the way this guy does. But again, that's just me.

[badpenny]

....He wants you to still be there for him, but he's sending the subliminal message that this is really a temporary stop-gap for his convenience.

I'm sure he would deny this, if confronted with it. He is undoubtedly UNaware that this is what he's asking. ....

 

Edited to correct comment.

[pidgeon1010]

I am using "we" not because I think we are a couple but to explain what him and I have said to each other. I am not sure what other pronoun I should use. I didn't realize it was coming off that way. I never told him I loved him and he never told me he loved me. Here is what he has said to me:

 

- I have strong feelings for you but you didn't seem like you were all in so it was hard to share more with you.

- I always had to initiate spending time with you, you hardly ever said you wanted to see me.

- I had to force you to meet my brother. We are so much alike (i.e. introverted) and is sweet and funny but at the same time can be bad in other ways if we don't push each other to spend time with our external network (i.e. friends and fam).

-I don't want to lose you or end this but I feel like I am stuck in a box and there are no other options. I dither endlessly because I have hope.

- I feel like if I give this job up and stayed and tried to find something else, I would become resentful of you. I've done this before in other relationships and it didn't end well.

 

Then he said even now I am telling you all these things and I am getting nothing back from you...[what was I to say?]

 

I have a hard time sharing my feelings (believe it or not). Something just snapped in me when I realized I was now going to lose him. I realize now that I care more deeply for him than I was willing to admit when we were together but who knows if he feels the same (as Ruby65 opined, probably not). This is all very exhausting.

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, if he's not telling you he loves you after a year together.... then he doesn't love you. He's not *in love*. Do you think he acts like a man in love?

 

It sounds like he's been dancing around it, trying to keep you around as a placeholder.... but at the end of the day, there it is. He's not in love, he doesn't see a future with you. You're not Miss Right...you're Miss Right Now.

 

You deserve to be with someone who's crazy in love with you. Don't we all?

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks, Ruby65. You're right. Should I call off the meeting? I am not sure if there is anything else left to discuss..

[Ruby65]

I think there's no harm in hearing what he has to say. I just think you should talk to him over the phone -- I don't think you should have to put any work into it, like getting dressed for a meeting or driving to meet him somewhere.

 

Whatever he has to say, he can say it on the phone.

 

I would hear him out and make my decision based on what he has to say.

 

But at this point I personally wouldn't agree to get back together with someone who isn't telling me he loves me and doing everything he can to make the relationship work (either asking you to relocate with him, or wanting to try a long-distance relationship).

[Moley87]

Hiya pigeon sorry to hear the news but I have a similar Situation with my ex now however she is moving from the UK to OZ hoping to emigrate if she is lucky in 7 months time

 

I have ridden the roller coaster of emotion of all the begging, anger cut off you name I've down it but overall doesn't change the situation you are in

 

Ive started to look at things like this accept its over even though its tough at least you are presented with the honest facts which I think is half decent of the lad .

 

Personally I think he cares about you but sometimes it not about someone one else its about you , he won't be happy unless he makes a decision for him and if that doesn't include you then even if you stayed with him it's built on broken foundations

 

I personally don't know if ill see my ex after she moves but I enjoyed what I had with her and that I'm grateful of that , so if you love this man maybe just say you love him but respect him and offer an open door down the line for a friendship

 

However I think he does actually care just cares more at present on what is best for him

 

Look after yourself as priority

[pidgeon1010]

Ruby65 and Moley87-

 

I am very appreciative of your responses.

 

Ruby65-I will talk with him over the phone and see what he has to say but I definitely won't hold my breath for much. It is what it is. I just need to figure out a way to get him out of my system. I really want to go back to being the old me. I can barely function at work. I wouldn't wish the physical and emotional pain of a breakup on my worst enemy.

 

Moley87- Thank you for sharing your thoughts and what you're going through. I think you may be right re him doing what is best for him and I should come to terms with that and move on. I don't want to keep the lines of communication open re a friendship (which I know he wants) because I don't want to hear about any new gfs lol. I feel like I supported him when he was depressed, etc. and now that he is on the up with a new job, someone else is going to enjoy the fruits of my labor. LOL I have to laugh about some of this or I'll go crazy.

[Ruby65]

Good luck! We're rooting for you.

[Moley87]

It's honestly fine you be a strong and get trough it .

 

Just when things are tough take a breath and say lets go again

 

Keep me updated would love to see how things are down the line