5 months and I'm stuck

[geronimo]

Hey guys, its been 5 months since the breakup now and I have been in NC ever since. A quick recap, we dated for 5 years, started really young (she was 15, i was 17) now 20/22. We were both eachothers first relationship, first love etc etc. Looking back at the relationship now, I know I should have seen this coming I was always alot more invested in it than she was. She used the excuse of her religion/parents not being ok with my religion for breaking up, I posted on here before and alot of people (including my friends) have said that she just used that as an excuse to get out of the relationship. This was confirmed when I found out she started dating another guy within weeks of us breaking up, and they're stilll together to my knowledge.

 

I dont even know what to say anymore lol. I feel like she was using me the entire time cuz she didn't have anyone else. But I don't understand how someone can be so intimate with you, say all these things when they don't actually love you. I feel like she always had one foot out the door because of her parents situation, but I know alot of people who are our religions and they make it work, it just feels like she never cared enough to do it. She always kept blaming it on her health issue and saying she doesn't want to put her parents through even more and she feels guilty. I believed it all because she was a very caring person and I know her health problems really bothered her.

 

Anyways, I know I treated her really well, I always tried my best to make her happy and give her a great relationship. I really loved this girl and cared about her alot, I truly did think she was the one. I just can't believe she did this cuz she used to say that I'm like family to her, I even spent last new years with her family. I feel like maybe I became too comfortable in the relationship and gave her too much control, where I shouldn't have and let too many things slide and compromised alot, but I always thought its ok because I loved her and relationships do require compromise to a certian extent. I dont know if that made her turned off to me because I wasn't "alpha" or w/e anymore.

 

I know to some extent she also got the GIGS because I got boring too, I'm a self sufficient man and ever since I was 16 I have been working and paying my own way. My parents are well off and they can easily pay for everything of mine but I like to take control of my own life and therefore chose to work for my own living. I pay for my own school and work fulltime now. I'm 23, haven't finished school yet and am doing a pretty decent job. I would think girls would like that but obviously being that busy I didn't have time to go out all the time and honestly I was never the party animal type of guy.

 

I understand why she would get GIGS tho, shes at that age and also I was her first relationship, anyone would be curious to see what else is out there. I just never felt that way and hoped she would feel that way about me too. The worst part is, she has been with this guy for 4 months or w/e now and I'm still stuck on her. I have been doing NC but some days im ok, most days I'm not. I have started hitting the gym again, thinking/planning post grad, and I even went on a couple dates, but these dates just make me even more depresssed. The girl I went out with is supercute and is really cool too, I just don't have it in me to do anything with her and I feel extremly guilty stringing her along when I have no intensions of doing anything at all with her, I'm probably just going to be straight up and let her down gently. I just wish my ex would come back, I know its pathetic but I had always felt there was something special between us and I dont think i'll ever find that with someone else.

Edited April 23, 2015 by geronimo

[geronimo]

Any words of wisdom or advice or anything would be great lol

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

It was your first relationship, and a long one at that. I wouldn't get too hung up on the idea of it being 5 months and "I'm still not over her." Your first will always hold a special place in your heart and it will take plenty of time to cope with the loss. I think you should be open and fairly blunt with your date, I'm sure she will understand. Perhaps it's a little too early to jump back into the dating scene at this point.

 

As for your ex's excuse... it's most likely an easy way for her to "let you down easy." You'll have to learn to cope and move on without knowing the real reason. But with you being her first relationship I think you would be fairly accurate in assuming she wanted to see what else lies out there. I wouldn't go so far as to say it is GIGS though. The problem with gigs is "the ex returns after x amount of time" which likely will not happen. That's not to say GIGS doesn't exist, it's extremely rare and fuels a lot of people's false hope.

 

 

You seem to really have yourself together with coping. My only real advice to give is to maybe wait a few months before jumping back into the dating scene.

[mtnbiker3000]

Sh*t takes time... Plain and simple!!!

[geronimo]

Yea you're right, i guess i keep labelling it as GIGS cuz i want her to return but it probably won't happen. It just makes me feel ****ty, like i wasn't enough even though I tried my best to be a great boyfriend. We had a great relationship too, we barely ever fought and anytime any arguments happened it stemmed from the fact that her parents will never be ok with me.

 

Idk i just keep hoping she will realize that this new guy she is with isn't that great and also cuz he is the same religion as her she'll realize that it doesn't matter what religion you are, what matters most is how you two feel about eachother and the love you have.

 

She seems to be really happy with this guy tho and "inlove" from what i hear, but I don't know too much thanks to NC. What makes you think she won't return though? just curious.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

What makes you think she won't return though? just curious.

 

Just the odds of someone coming back being so low. It's rare for an ex to want to take another shot at the relationship, and almost unheard of that a second chance lasts for any significant amount of time.

 

It's best to come to terms with the thought of her never coming back and heal. If by some miracle she does eventually come back then you can cross that bridge on your terms. But don't wait around on maybe's.

[SycamoreCircle]

There is no point even considering the religion aspect. When young immature women want out of a relationship, they will latch on to the easiest, nearest obstacle, balloon it, make it impenetrable and showcase it to others as the most impossible thing imaginable. It was either going to be religion or that little mole on your upper shoulder blade. I mean, my goodness! how can any respectable woman deal with that mole??!!! No doubt that mole will become a malignant cancer! And what kind of life can a man stricken with cancer provide a healthy, fertile young woman???

 

As for whether you COMPLETELY fulfilled your boyfriend duties: I think you need to go over it one more time in your head. Better yet---spend the next five months questioning if you were too totalitarian when you insistently picked all of the green olives off her portions of pizza. Again, it's a futile exercise.

 

If I were a betting man, I'd put money on the fact you were a sensitive, loving boyfriend that any sensible girl would fight to be with.

 

The reality about her:

 

-young

-immature

-inexperienced

-keen on new opportunities

-doesn't know who she is yet

-incapable of a deep, loving relationship

-discovering and eager to test her feminine wiles in the world

-selfish

 

It's not about you. It's about her. Put this GIGS thing to rest. Dumpees, including myself, use GIGS as a crutch to explain our invalidation. We tell ourselves this person is going to come back. She will come back. It sounds like the two of you were good friends. She'll come back some day, could be years on, and ask how you're doing. That's it. She won't want a relationship with you. You won't want a relationship with her. You'll probably be in another relationship. But she'll think fondly of you. That's all you get. I'm sorry. It hurts. But it gets easier with time and eventually you realize that its part of a larger necessary cycle.

 

As for dating now, you're not ready. Take it easy. Get to know yourself a bit. Spend some time with yourself. Find another way to fill the gap. Find a new hobby. Travel. Working out is fine, but don't do it because you think you're inadequate. You're not inadequate.

 

Everything around you is growing. And you're growing along with it.

[SLee]

Geronimo, everything you said really hits home for me. Lot of similarities, first relationship, similar length, same ages, etc.

 

But like others have said, people are age sometimes just do that. I'm also a student and I see it EVERYWHERE. Men and women like to "Test the waters", and not commit to anything. I see it all: friends who cling to relationships and aren't happy, serial daters/heartbreakers, etc. Most of them that I see want the security and stability, but always feel like they may "miss out" on something. I don't know if it's ENTIRELY bad. It kind of comes with the inexperienced, emotionally immature territory much of the time. It's hard to balance school/work/life with relationships when you don't know who you are or where your life will take you. And without experience and maturity, it's often impossible. That's why so many relationships that begin so young fail, even if they are longterm. Mine included. Putting a label on it think oversimplifies something that is somewhat common/normal, but much of it rings true.

 

You sound like a really great person who's very sure of themselves. I have no doubt that you'll be okay. But as others have said, this takes time. And you're first is always really special.

 

Don't string this girl along. If you're not ready, you're not ready. That's okay. Just don't hurt other people in the process. I'm in a similar place as you somewhat. I know the relationship wasn't working how it was, which is why I wanted to work through it together. But he needs to work on himself as he's kind of an emotional mess right now and I can't do anything for him right now.

 

It's not pathetic, and don't beat yourself up. I feel the same way. I feel stupid and pathetic that I still hope that someday he'll come back. But you're doing the right things. Focus on school and work, plan for postgrad, and build yourself a life you want.

 

Don't try to look for reasons why she left. You either won't get answers or you'll get ones that just hurt more. I made that mistake and it was awful. You're doing so well and I really believe that you're gonna be just fine.

[geronimo]

Just the odds of someone coming back being so low. It's rare for an ex to want to take another shot at the relationship, and almost unheard of that a second chance lasts for any significant amount of time.

 

It's best to come to terms with the thought of her never coming back and heal. If by some miracle she does eventually come back then you can cross that bridge on your terms. But don't wait around on maybe's.

 

Yea you're right I know the odds of it happening are slim to none. I truly am trying to get over her and become indifferent towards her so I can move on with my life and if she were to ever come back, I would be in a better and more logical state to evaluate the situation instead of going based on emotions.

[geronimo]

SycamoreCircle - You're completely right, I know the religion thing was just the easiest thing for her to use to get out of the relationship. And yea if you were a betting man, you would be rich, cuz its true, I remember my friends gfs would compare me to them and tell them that they should be more like me and that I do all this sh*t for my gf and its my gf that f*cking leaves me. But you're right about her and yea we were great friends and that actually hurts more than losing the relationship. I know this sounds vindictive but I wish one day she would look back and realize how badly she f*cked up by letting me go and feel the hurt and pain she caused me, but reality is, its probably never gonna happen.

Yea I am going to leave dating for when I am more ready, its just doesn't feel right anyways. Thank you for that I really needed it, I know I was a great bf and any girl would be more than happy to be with me, so its her loss.

 

SLee - Yea i see it everywhere also, but just like everyone else I thought her and I were different. Its funny cuz one of my buddies who's in a 3 year RS was thinking of breaking up with his gf cuz he wants to see what else is out there and I remember telling my ex about it and she thought it was disgusting and weird that he would be willing to give up something good just to "see what else is out there" and she ends up doing the same thing.

Yea I'm going to be straight up with this new girl, I don't want to hurt her because she is a good girl, and doesn't deserve to be caught up in my mess.

Thank you, I hope you're right and one day we both can look back at this time and laugh at it.

I know I'm always going to have a special place in my heart for my ex, and idk about the future but i think a part of me will always wish she would come back and that it would have worked out, but i guess its life. Just sucks cuz I love her so much.

[geronimo]

It's so f*cked up, until now I never had any dreams or anything about her but in the past few days I keep dreaming about her and it's really f*cking me up. It's as if my unconscious mind doesn't want to get over her and keeps reminding me of her when I don't wanna think about her. F*ck I feel so helpless I wish this would have never happened.

[Twigyy]

One thing that most men do is that they don't accept their fears. You attract what you fear. When things really happen they don't know what to do, and they feel horrible. You can't prevent things from happening, or control the future. So be a man, and face your fears. Once you learn how to face your fears, and make it something that pushes you forward, your future will be bright.

[you must let it go]

It's been 5 months for me to mate I feel you'er pain brother you ain't alone! Take one day at a time all we can do.

[geronimo]

One thing that most men do is that they don't accept their fears. You attract what you fear. When things really happen they don't know what to do, and they feel horrible. You can't prevent things from happening, or control the future. So be a man, and face your fears. Once you learn how to face your fears, and make it something that pushes you forward, your future will be bright.

 

What exactly do you mean by accept their fears? What fear are you talking about?

 

As to when you say, "you can't prevent things from happening..." you're right and I guess I'm the kind of person that works hard to get what he wants, I have always been like that and I have always believed that you can achieve anything as long as you work for it. I do that with my job, school and i did that with my relationship. But i guess when you're dealing with another human things are different because emotions are not logical. I do just have to accept that sh*t happens sometimes and I'm trying to do that.

 

I know I was a great bf to her and I don't want to sound overconfident or w/e but I know for a fact that no other guy will be as good of a boyfriend and do half the **** I did for her. Now if thats what she wants and she wants to settle for that then good for her, she didn't deserve me in the first place. I know I will always have love for this girl and she will be the one that I'll always regret losing but at the same time I know I can do alot better, its just hard to get over it because of how much I love her and how much she meant to me.

[imbax]

Hey guys, its been 5 months since the breakup now and I have been in NC ever since. A quick recap, we dated for 5 years, started really young (she was 15, i was 17) now 20/22. We were both eachothers first relationship, first love etc etc. Looking back at the relationship now, I know I should have seen this coming I was always alot more invested in it than she was. She used the excuse of her religion/parents not being ok with my religion for breaking up, I posted on here before and alot of people (including my friends) have said that she just used that as an excuse to get out of the relationship. This was confirmed when I found out she started dating another guy within weeks of us breaking up, and they're stilll together to my knowledge.

 

I dont even know what to say anymore lol. I feel like she was using me the entire time cuz she didn't have anyone else. But I don't understand how someone can be so intimate with you, say all these things when they don't actually love you. I feel like she always had one foot out the door because of her parents situation, but I know alot of people who are our religions and they make it work, it just feels like she never cared enough to do it. She always kept blaming it on her health issue and saying she doesn't want to put her parents through even more and she feels guilty. I believed it all because she was a very caring person and I know her health problems really bothered her.

 

Anyways, I know I treated her really well, I always tried my best to make her happy and give her a great relationship. I really loved this girl and cared about her alot, I truly did think she was the one. I just can't believe she did this cuz she used to say that I'm like family to her, I even spent last new years with her family. I feel like maybe I became too comfortable in the relationship and gave her too much control, where I shouldn't have and let too many things slide and compromised alot, but I always thought its ok because I loved her and relationships do require compromise to a certian extent. I dont know if that made her turned off to me because I wasn't "alpha" or w/e anymore.

 

I know to some extent she also got the GIGS because I got boring too, I'm a self sufficient man and ever since I was 16 I have been working and paying my own way. My parents are well off and they can easily pay for everything of mine but I like to take control of my own life and therefore chose to work for my own living. I pay for my own school and work fulltime now. I'm 23, haven't finished school yet and am doing a pretty decent job. I would think girls would like that but obviously being that busy I didn't have time to go out all the time and honestly I was never the party animal type of guy.

 

I understand why she would get GIGS tho, shes at that age and also I was her first relationship, anyone would be curious to see what else is out there. I just never felt that way and hoped she would feel that way about me too. The worst part is, she has been with this guy for 4 months or w/e now and I'm still stuck on her. I have been doing NC but some days im ok, most days I'm not. I have started hitting the gym again, thinking/planning post grad, and I even went on a couple dates, but these dates just make me even more depresssed. The girl I went out with is supercute and is really cool too, I just don't have it in me to do anything with her and I feel extremly guilty stringing her along when I have no intensions of doing anything at all with her, I'm probably just going to be straight up and let her down gently. I just wish my ex would come back, I know its pathetic but I had always felt there was something special between us and I dont think i'll ever find that with someone else.

 

Hey man, your story sounds extremely similar to mine. How are you coping at the moment? I am almost at 3 weeks and I feel like I am in more pain than ever!

 

I told my girlfriend jokingly throughout the relationship that she would never find a guy like me that treats her like a princess the way I did. On the day she broke up with me, she burst into tears and told me how much she admires my confidence and proudness in what I did for her and she also admits to me that she probably won't find someone who treated her the way I did, but she wants compatibility and not a "love-story"

Edited May 5, 2015 by imbax

[geronimo]

Hey man, your story sounds extremely similar to mine. How are you coping at the moment? I am almost at 3 weeks and I feel like I am in more pain than ever!

 

I told my girlfriend jokingly throughout the relationship that she would never find a guy like me that treats her like a princess the way I did. On the day she broke up with me, she burst into tears and told me how much she admires my confidence and proudness in what I did for her and she also admits to me that she probably won't find someone who treated her the way I did, but she wants compatibility and not a "love-story"

 

Yea man I responded on your post telling you that our stories are very similar. To be honest it's a lot better than before but you still have those days where you feel really down and I miss her. But trust me it gets a lot better you just have to stick to NC!

 

Lol it's funny cuz I did the exact same thing with my gf throughout the relationship and I don't mean to be cocky but I truly don't think she will find someone better than me. Although she is in another relationship now, but everything seems great in the beginning, I wanna see how well this guy will treat her a year down the road let alone 5. I still treated her like a princess even after 5 years cuz I loved her and she truly was my princess but ppl start taking things for granted and that's what she did.

 

I do want you to know that whatever she said you just have to forget it all now. I learnt that the hard way, the things my ex told me while we were breaking up were all very sweet and everything and I truly believe it was tough for her to end the relationship you could just tell from the way she would talk. But I guess she thought it was worth it to end us and pursue this new guy. Idk how much of it is just me vs the guy or if she truly did breakup with me cuz of her parents (didn't approve of me cuz of religion) and this guy is the same religious background as her so yeah.