Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 A week and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It was so out of the blue. He got back from Brazil last month (first time in 9 years he’s been there) and has been very homesick since he’s got back. Everything with us had been more than fine, amazing. The last time I saw him was Sunday morning, the night before we had an amazing night. then brunch the next day. Monday everything was normal. Get a text Tuesday afternoon saying we need to talk, arrange for 630, he says he cant face the situation yet. so we postpone. I am so confused because I at this point have no idea whats going on. Basically he tells me that he is thinking of going back to Brazil next year some time and doesnt want to break my heart when it happens and that he needs to be alone, and not in a relationship and that he is just depressed overall. He has created this dark place of what ifs that are all hypothetical and shutting everything and me out. I am just so frustrated because you shouldn’t throw something away thats not broken and in fact so good. I told him that its not his heart to break and its mine and I would risk it all if it meant the possibility of happiness with him and that in a year if he needed to go back I wouldnt hesitate to get on the plane with him. Its just so odd because HE has always been so future oriented as a “we” together in the future, moving in, marriage, even talks about kids, so for him all of a sudden to just change this has blown my mind. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me or doesnt see me in their future, but I just dont know where this has come from and how he could have made such a snap judgement. It was as good as a breakup can go, not angry, just sad. He texted me after saying how sorry he was and said “everything is going to be ok for the both of us” which doesnt make sense to me. After he sent that text, I just sent him something basically saying I just wish you could see things through my eyes etc etc because it was as if he had shut off and could not see or hear anything I was saying. Uninitiated on my part the next day he again texted me basically saying he couldnt go to work because he was so upset, then again 4 days later asking how I was, random conversational things, again uninitiated by me. After it had been a week of NC I texted (I know bad) but just hated not having him in my life, it was like normal and then he had to go to work and ended it by saying to "feel free to be in contact whenever I like" I am now going to no contact for real because if he pushed me away to begin with nagging him or trying to be in touch I dont think will help. I dont want to hold out hope that something that may or happen, But as it was honestly fine just days before and talking about holidays coming up etc, I just want him to come out of whatever funk has come over him and realize. We have been together for a year and by the time he “may or may not go to Brazil” we would have dated for almost 2 so I told him that we would cross that bridge when it comes and that I would go too, nothing is keeping me from that. Im 27 he is 32 for reference. Anyway I was just wondering if my no contact was smart as it seems he is in a bit of a damaged mindset? He keeps getting in touch so I assume, but just dont really know what to do and feel like I could use another point of view. Is there any hope? I dont mind harsh reality, but am still kind of in shock. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Seems there's a good possibility he met someone else out there. Yes NC is the way to go. Sorry to say he has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. NC will help you heal and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 That is actually one thing I am certain of as he works 60 hour weeks and his days off he was with me, he has always been very open never secretive and I know he wasnt seeing anyone else. He basically said its not that he doesn't want to be with me, he love's me, its he cant be with anyone right now. Again I realize that means he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, I'm just trying to understand what the heck went wrong. When men are stressed/depressed do they tend to push people away? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 When men are stressed/depressed do they tend to push people away? Just like women, each man is different. Some do that and some don't. But anyway, his motives aren't relevant. The fact is that he has told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. Analyzing his reasons/motivations won't help you out here, it will just keep you living in torment. You need to let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Whatever his reason, he has decided you are not the woman he wants to spend his future with, so forget all he said about marriage and kids, he has now changed his mind. Maybe Brazil changed it for him, maybe he had those thoughts before Brazil, but the fact is, he told you he wants to be single for whatever reason, and you have to move on. Dumpers can be as upset as dumpees, so do not assume he is upset because he wants to get back with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 thank you both, I really appreciate it. Trying to pick up the pieces. Just kind of in shock as it was so sudden. Easter Monday he was trying to kiss chocolate egg on my face and talking about summer holidays together and then Wednesday it was over. I need to establish NC for real and pick my head up and move forward. I deep down have this feeling of false hope that I need to squash but I think only time can really help that in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I think he met someone in Brazil. Don't beg him back. You didn't do anything wrong. If you two get back together he will have to be the one to do the work. He is the one who destroyed the relationship so he will have to be the one to put it back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I suppose that it entirely possible. Then on the other hand he did bring me back jewellery and all kinds of gifts and talked about how being apart (even though we talked everday) made him want to be closer and thats when he talked about moving in. I strongly feel he didnt meet anyone and that it wasnt smoke and mirrors but again, anything is possible because it just doesnt make sense to me, and it may never. I agree if he does want to get back together it is not going to be a immediate take back, and especially not jumping into bed with him as that will just make it harder and cloud my already very foggy mind Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I think he met someone in Brazil. Or back in Brazil, he realised that the OP may not fit in to what he had planned for his life there, or he got some family resistance to the OP. He may have a traditional/religious family and a 27 yo girl from London was not what they expected, they may be thinking more along the lines of a 20 y o Brazilian virgin perhaps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Hugs, break up is painful. However, you don't have to feel this pain for a long long time. You can move on, believe in yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 thank you so much, I feel like there's been a death except that its harder because they are still alive and only 4 miles away from me but they chose not to be with me on purpose. Does anyone else have the feeling that the pain comes in waves, like yesterday I had a lot of clarity and today I feel like I'm underwater gasping for air. I feel like you all are right 100% though. NC. If something is meant to be it will happen, but until then I need to be happy with or without him, and the only way that can happen is me standing on my own two feet. And the initiative would have to come from him in a huge way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Does anyone else have the feeling that the pain comes in waves, like yesterday I had a lot of clarity and today I feel like I'm underwater gasping for air. . Absolutely, that's exactly how it feels to me. Big waves that threaten to overturn me, followed by periods of relative calm. It will be like this for a while, but it will get easier eventually. Big hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
sowhynot Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Oh yes. First post for me, currently on Day 3 NC. Yesterday was ok - today is a lot worse - probably not helping by looking on StreetView of the places we went to last year on holiday together.Take it from me, that's not a good idea.... The only thing which is keeping me on top is reading these posts and realising there's a lot of good people out there ofering help and support - for which I'm very grateful !! Hang on in there, kiddo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate3937 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I know how you feel completely and you are right, it feels good to know someone else is going through this too or has come out the other side and can offer comforting words or advice. If it make you feel better I was checking his whatsapp timestamp like a crazy person, but once I made it a point to not, I feel SO much better. If he is going to talk to me, its not going to come from me staring at the last time he was online. And actually when I stopped, that is when he was in touch last. Feel better, you will get through this! Link to post Share on other sites
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