Closure? tough break up

[Meli22]

After a recent break up (6 weeks ago, my thread is around somewhere), the word "closure" has popped into my head a few times. Long story short, my bf started complaining here and there about the spark not feeling the same as it used to, not feeling crazy passionate feelings, not feeling what he "should be", and other descriptions. He was often annoyed that I couldn't see this, but I know that these infatuating feelings don't last forever, and are replaced by a deeper more companion like bond. This had been going on for a few months and my bf wasn't doing anything about it. I was constantly trying to spice things up and suggest new things/places but he didn't think it would help because in his eyes, he would never become complacent/bored (though I have to argue that he did, and we were stuck in a routine). I felt like his problem had become mine, he came to me with this problem (in an argumentative, heat of the moment way) and here I was trying to fix it. We could never go out during weekdays because he was always too tried from work and the gym, and weekends was usually the same story. So it was difficult actually getting him to want to go out. I told him that it is no wonder he feels no spark when we were just sitting in watching tv constantly, but he said it shouldn't matter and that he should have still felt passionate no matter what. I think relationships take work after the honeymoon phase wears off. There were a lot of mixed signals, him saying he really loves me, but something feeling missing, but he didn't know what etc.

 

 

The break up was pretty nasty, I tried to explain this had became really hard for me but he argued the case, said I wasn't being patient enough? and other things. He wished me luck on finding another man as loyal and respectful as him. He kept contradicting everything he said and I just couldn't take anymore. It broke me as a person overall and I just wanted to have the same back that I was giving. It might be worth adding that he has suffered with anxiety on and off and has the tendency to over analyse things. There were times during our relationship where he felt "numb" towards me but it passed after a week or 2. When we first met, he told me he thinks relationships should be passionate and exciting forever, rather than boring. I didn't think much of this at the time, but now it almost seems as though he wanted the perfect relationship. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong, but from how I know him it kinda makes some sense. Our relationship was very intense (in a good way) and he initiated talks of saving for our own place after a few months together. I thought it was too soon for these kind of talks, but I went with it and over time started to really look forward to a future with him.

 

Now that I have taken off my rose tinted glasses I am seeing things more clearly, but things still don't make sense as it was all very contradictory. My bf was in general a lovely person. He had flaws but I was able to see past them. I am by no means perfect, but I did try and make him as happy as I oculd. Its just hard thinking that maybe I just wasn't good enough for him (although he insisted that I was, and that I haven't done anything different). As we broke up he told me he was worried that this may happen with girlfriends in the future, that he may change after the first year. That's not my problem, but its almost as though he knows what he is capable of but wont recongize it or take responsibility.

 

Anyway, there has been no contact since at all. A mutual friend said he has been upset about it all, wished it could have worked etc. and he told said mutual friend that he doesn't understand it himself and that it is killing him how he has made me feel. Which is kinda frustrating because it means if he doesn't understand it, I never will be able to. I have gone NC to heal and clear my head, his reasons may be similar. In general I have started to feel a little better and I am looking forward to things more. I still love this man obviously, and it hurts that he isn't in my life anymore. I am leaning towards giving myself closure, but its hard to do so when things have been vague and contradicted so much. I hate the thought of maybe this could have been easily fixed, and now its been thrown away. It was a mutual break up at first in which he came back upset saying he realized what he had lost, but then he turned again so I had to leave because it hurt so much. Has anyone experienced something similar? I kind of wish he would of got in touch to explain this (I guess he cant if he doesn't understand it either). I am starting to also feel that we maybe had different definitions of love. Whilst I said love is a choice and a commitment, he disagreed and said that marriage is the commitment that people in love commit to.

 

 

please don't be harsh guys if you think I sound naïve or w/e

Edited April 21, 2015 by Meli22

[Fallenangel82]

Meli, I can relate.

My ex told me the same thing. We were together only 6 months. After only one month he asked to move into my place. I agreed (silly I know) but we were inseparable anyway, so at the time it made sense. All went well until the last month, where he fed me the same lines you ex has. "I love you but if we break up I have nothing" to "I don't think I make you happy". Even though I told him daily he did.

 

After an argument, our first mind you, he tells me he needs to move out, and rebuild his life while showing me how much he loves me and cares about me. Ahh? What about our life? Together? Anyway I was beside myself, figured it must be over. I was right... 2 days after leaving he ends it via text.

 

Long story short, I'm still in contact with him today, and it's 3 months post breakup. He still tells me I'm amazing, he would be the luckiest guy in the world to have me, but he needs to work his life out.

I've given up. He knows I love him, knows I want to be with him, but says he's "scared" to get back together because he has "nothing" to go back to should it not work again.

He has made no effort to change his life in any way, and as time goes on, I'm actually starting to resent him a little.

If I went no contact, I'd be wondering what if still. The fact I still have contact and can see through the crap he feeds me is doing me good. I'm seeing he was all talk, no action, used me (and still does) as a meal ticket & is a runner when things aren't peachy and basically a 32 year old man child...

 

I'm distancing myself and don't even think he has noticed yet. I'm not far off pulling the no contact trigger so I can fully heal. That's when it will finally hit him.

Stay strong

[Ruby65]

He understands why he broke up -- lost the "spark."

 

That's pretty much all you need to know about him, that he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were and wasn't able to work on staying together pasts the Honeymoon Stage. There's no "easy fix" -- it takes two people both wanting to make something work.

 

Let this go. YOU are the only one who can provide "closure" for yourself..... that's something that comes from within, when you reach a point of acceptance about the breakup, and that's a while down the road from now.

 

Stop getting information from mutual friends. It's only going to hurt and confuse you -- or worse, give you false hopes. Go No Contact and shut him out of your world so you can heal.

 

Please don't blame yourself or think of what you could've/should've/would've done... it's just about him. Either he's not at a point where he can commit to anyone yet for life, or he just didn't feel you two were a good fit, that his feelings should be stronger and they just weren't.

 

In any case, he's given you all the closure he's going to by leaving the relationship. From here on out, it's up to you to reach a point of acceptance.

 

Here's a guide that will help you with the breakup: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[Meli22]

Fallen Angel82,

 

 

Good for you being able to see through it despite still being in touch

 

 

Yeah its tough especially when there doesn't seem to be an exact reason. My ex is also 32. Maybe yours got cold feet? I hear this a lot about men and women. Who knows. But yes actions do speak louder than words. They can say all the things they want but its how they follow through with their actions.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Meli22

[Meli22]

Ruby65,

 

 

Thanks for your input. Yeah I understand what you are saying, its just hard because he gave me no reason. He said I am perfect for him, did nothing wrong, but blames all of this on his anxiety. I don't fully buy it. The last time we spoke he said this isnt something he could just get over because we have something so perfect. I am moving on, but some days are tough (ie today) because i get consumed with confusion. I don't understand why he came back after the break up and said he had realized what he lost. I know deep down that this isn't healthy for a relationship, the unstability etc. Also other traits I didn't like (he was a little possessive), but still, I did love him and its hard knowing that something wasn't enough for him, but neither he or I know.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Meli22

[Ruby65]

Ruby65,

 

 

Thanks for your input. Yeah I understand what you are saying, its just hard because he gave me no reason. He said I am perfect for him, did nothing wrong, but blames all of this on his anxiety. I don't fully buy it. The last time we spoke he said this isnt something he could just get over because we have something so perfect. I am moving on, but some days are tough (ie today) because i get consumed with confusion. I don't understand why he came back after the break up and said he had realized what he lost. I know deep down that this isn't healthy for a relationship, the unstability etc. Also other traits I didn't like (he was a little possessive), but still, I did love him and its hard knowing that something wasn't enough for him, but neither he or I know.

 

But he DID give you a reason. You just don't accept it.

 

He broke up with you because he lost feelings. THAT is a reason and it happens more often than you think. Someday, if it happens to you, you'll understand more what this means.

 

He came back because it's scary to break up with someone. People doubt themselves, people want a safety net.

 

Imagine you stop feeling that "in love" feeling for your boyfriend of six or nine months..... in fact, the more loving he acts toward you, the harder he fights for you, the less of a spark you feel in return.

 

You feel guilty. You KNOW intellectually you SHOULD want to be with him.... you just don't want to. He's done nothing wrong. He's a great guy, a perfect boyfriend. You just don't feel it anymore.

 

You break up, you hurt him, you feel guilty and confused and selfish. Other guys you maybe had your eye on as future prospects turn out not to be interested now that you're single. And there's your recent ex, still pining away for you, all loving and grateful when you go back to him.... and for a little while you even feel that spark again.... until it once again starts to fade and you realize it's never really going to be the same as when you felt truly "in love" with him....

 

That's what happened with your ex, and he's tried to explain it as best he could.

 

I hope this helps you in your journey to healing.