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What I've learnt from N/C


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hamster-girl

Short story of why I’m here… I was dumped, replaced and forced out of our shared home all within a couple of weeks. 4 year relationship gone just like that. Devastating.

 

I was lucky in a way because of two things. Firstly, the amazing advice on this forum, and secondly, I’m stubborn as hell.

So right from the off, I didn’t beg, plead, bargain, try to stay friends… nothing. I accepted his decision, moved out of the home and never spoke to him again.

 

He sent two messages since then. Once to apologise for what he did and for “meeting someone so soon”, and a second time asking me to call up the bank for something stupid - something he could have easy done himself. I ignored him both times.

I’d learnt from this forum, him apologising was just a selfish way of trying to assuage his guilt. And asking me to do his chores was just a way to see if I was still around.

 

So what’s the point of this thread? Just thought I’d share with you a few things that have helped me reach 40 days of N/C.

 

1) Social media - delete and block them. If you’re on Facebook, go through your wall and delete every single picture / comment / message you’ve ever received from them. Delete your shared history so much it would make Orwell wince ;)

 

2) Delete their phone number. Make it so that you couldn’t message them even if you wanted to.

 

3) Emails / text messages etc - delete them all.

 

4) Delete delete delete! Totally wipe them off your system. Got mutual friends on FB? Not anymore! Delete them. If you feel bad about it, send them a short message explaining why- they’ll understand.

 

5) N/C is about you! Make a list of things you want to do / achieve over the next few months. Buy a diary planner and plan out your days to do this. Make sure you’re busy. Don’t mope around. Remember that saying - “Don’t let a crisis go to waste”. Your life’s been turned upside down - it’s the perfect time to kick yourself into shape and do whatever you want.

 

6) Still missing your ex? Make a list of what you don’t like about them. This is easy if you’ve been together for a few years. They never helped with the housework? Embarrassed you that one time at the party? Caught them trying it on with another woman from work? Dragged you along to watch the stupid game and didn’t care what you actually wanted to do? Jot it all down. Every time you remember something they did that annoyed you, add it to the list. Next time you miss them, give it a read. It’s a great way to throw out those rose-tinted glasses.

 

7) Wanting reconciliation? This is the most important thing to understand- It’s totally out of your control. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that would possibly bring them back. Nothing. With that in mind, don’t bother trying. Get on with your life.

 

Something I read a while ago stuck with me. It’s corny as hell, but it made me think and motivates me. “Make your life a masterpiece”. Sitting on your ass, being sad about someone who doesn’t even want to be with you isn’t the way to live your life. You’re so much better than that.

 

Keep up the good work people! You’re all fabulous xx

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That's great advice, and I admire your stoic approach! I've found meditating to be really helping. When a worm gets in your head trying to upset you about what ifs and what's she doing, just take a step back and look at that thought, and ask yourself why you're thinking that when all it's doing is causing you pain.

Try and appreciate what you have too. I'm lucky in that I have a good job, a really ridiculously supportive family who have done EVERYTHING for me since she left, it's really opened my eyes to how lucky I am and how much they love me. There's no truer saying than blood is thicker than water.

 

And don't let yourself think you're not as good as the other person or they're going to be happier than you'll be. Who cares, they don't matter any more, and they couldn't care less about what you're doing so you need to adopt the same attitude.

 

Getting rid of any reminders is key too.

 

We look to the past and future, we pine for what is not.

 

They are merely thoughts, not reality.

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