Strange contact from ex. Feeling really bad

[hunk]

My most recent ex sent me a message tonight basically saying this

 

"**** you hunk. You will never know how you have made me feel. I hate myself that I am still upset about this. I hate that I let you affect me like this and I hate that you made me end us. I mean this with every part of me when i say **** you. I can't believe i let you take time that I will never get back away from me, for so long. I hate that this has somehow turned on me and even though I ended things YOU are the one who seems to be fine and I still feel miserable. I wish none of this ever happened and I wish we never met. Don't respond to this."

 

She's been posting negative things on tumblr recently that are clearly aimed at me. Just angry, angsty things about love etc. She's also been randomly liking and reposting some stuff i post (i do web coding and my tumblr is basically my personal portfolio) (?!)

 

This has just made me feel horrible and back to day one all over again. It's been 3 months complete total NC and I have been doing fine, letting go and learning to forgive myself for things. Her sending me this is just another kick in the balls. I am upset that she is still upset and has become seemingly angrier at me. I was convinced I would never hear from her again and when I saw her name come up I thought it was just going to be a generic "hey how are you" which at least indicates she has forgiven me to some extent.

 

So yeah. I don't know what to do, obviously my mistreatment caused the breakup so I don't even know if ignoring her is the best thing to do. But her message doesn't warrant a response from me, it's basically just her venting to me but she doesn't want to actually hear anything back.

 

What would you guys do here? I think I might have to block her number, for both of our sakes. I hate how this whole thing has gone down and regret ever asking this girl out on a single date (not dating her, i mean i regret getting involved with her when all i did was screw her over)

 

Thanks guys. Feeling very low right now.

[Reality015]

Sorry to hear this.

 

So she ended it & she is angry at you?

 

Did you do anything in those 3 months to make her angry or were you total NC the whole time?

 

Don't respond. Id block her from sending her more abusive messages.

[hamster-girl]

Up to you. I guess she wants a response, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered getting in touch.

Would apologising make it worse? If not, say sorry. If yes, don't bother- ignore, delete and block.

 

It's corny, but once you can forgive yourself, you don't need other's forgiveness to feel better.

[hunk]

Yeah she ended it and we've had zero contact since the day she did. I've done absolutely nothing to make her angry since, and have left her alone entirely because that's what she wanted. The thing is I haven't been able to detach from the mindset that I am entirely 100% in the wrong. If she had left me despite me being the perfect partner (even a good partner) I would consider a message like this abusive and block her for good. But I just can't shake the guilt of our relationship and I feel like I need to say something. I'll type something out and post it here so you guys can give advice. It will be short and to the point. I do feel very horrible about just ignoring this because she will end up feeling even more worthless.

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Judging from the message, it looks like that was something she wanted to get off her chest/vent to you during her time of stress. And she's probably waiting for a reply to continue to vent her frustration on you further.

 

Don't be a beat up dummy. The relationship is over. She ended it. Make peace with yourself and come to acceptance that it's over and you no longer owe her anything and learn from the mistakes of the relationship so they won't be repeated.

 

I would ignore the message, delete it and continue on with your life. Don't let how she is feeling affect your recovery because you are what is important right now.

[Reality015]

Yeah she ended it and we've had zero contact since the day she did. I've done absolutely nothing to make her angry since, and have left her alone entirely because that's what she wanted. The thing is I haven't been able to detach from the mindset that I am entirely 100% in the wrong. If she had left me despite me being the perfect partner (even a good partner) I would consider a message like this abusive and block her for good. But I just can't shake the guilt of our relationship and I feel like I need to say something. I'll type something out and post it here so you guys can give advice. It will be short and to the point. I do feel very horrible about just ignoring this because she will end up feeling even more worthless.

 

 

 

Why do you think you're in the wrong?

[hunk]

I strung her along for 1.5 years while I was trying to get over my previous ex. Didn't even call her my girlfriend. Didn't introduce her to my friends. Only saw her when it was convenient for me etc etc. The only reason it lasted that long was because we got along stupidly well and had (i am serious here) every aspect of our personalities and lives in common. She obviously knew this and tried multiple times to wake me up but I just wouldn't commit to the relationship and in her words "used" her. I never intentionally treated her poorly as a person I just disregarded her feelings and was an absolute immature scumbag, and the way I treated her was embarrassing and makes me very upset when I think back on it. She loved me and I couldn't even tell her closest friends that I was her boyfriend.

[Toodaloo]

Well lesson learnt now Hunk...

 

Stay no contact and keep moving on.

 

Its the only thing you can do.

 

I also suggest blocking her and deleting her off of everything.

[JS84]

Learn from your mistake and don't ever treat anyone like that again. And you should maintain NC.

[Reality015]

Yes stay NC. Contacting her will prolong her healing.

 

She is clearly in the anger stage.

[elaine567]

YOU treated her very badly as she was just a rebound to you.

BUT she loved you. She, eventually after trying really hard to win you over, dumped you.

She contacts you after 3 months, still angry and sad. YOU feel so guilty.

 

She needs some closure and some admission of guilt from you.

You need to write her an apology, no long winded stuff and no nostalgia about the relationship, no "I hope we can be friends eventually", no rubbish about her being "wonderful" or any trite clichés like "You’re going to make someone really happy someday" or "It’s not you, it’s me" or "You deserve better" as they will just anger her more and make it look like you are not being sincere.

Just the apology, short and honest.

Give her no crumbs. NO suggestion that you want to start it all up again, do NOT agree to meet up or continue contact.

 

Of course if you are having any second thoughts, make sure you have really thought about it, as it may partly assuage your guilt to get back with her, but I guess you would simply hurt her again.

[hunk]

Elaine, I apologized to her when she ended it (that night). I gave her a HUGE apology. I laid everything out there and made it all about her and nothing to do with me. I told her I had completely ****ed up, I had no excuse and I regretted how i treated her with every part of me. I said she deserved so much better but also that I never meant to intentionally hurt her. I basically said from the bottom of my heart that I was truly sorry for how I had made her feel and it would take me a while to forgive myself. At the time she was understanding, telling me "we all make mistakes" etc. but still very cold.

 

I think i'm going to write this -

 

"A, nothing has changed in the way that I feel about how I treated you since we last spoke. I have learned to understand the reasons for my behavior, it was never, at any point, a reflection on you as a person. I'm trying to move on from this as I hope you are also - in time I hope we can connect with this behind us. Right now we both have to concentrate on our own healing and lives. Again, please understand I am deeply sorry for everything."

Edited April 20, 2015 by hunk

[ZiggyZoo]

My most recent ex sent me a message tonight basically saying this

 

"**** you hunk. You will never know how you have made me feel. I hate myself that I am still upset about this. I hate that I let you affect me like this and I hate that you made me end us. I mean this with every part of me when i say **** you. I can't believe i let you take time that I will never get back away from me, for so long. I hate that this has somehow turned on me and even though I ended things YOU are the one who seems to be fine and I still feel miserable. I wish none of this ever happened and I wish we never met. Don't respond to this."

 

 

Eff this. No, seriously, this pisses me off. Yes, you treated her badly, and you admit it. You've been working on forgiving yourself and accepting your role in the breakup. She needs to do the same. This sh*t needs to be turned right back onto herself, where it belongs. She's not pissed that you treated her badly, she's pissed that she LET you. That's on her, for putting up with it for as long as she did. Nobody was forcing her to stay,and nobody except her is in charge of her feelings. In a way, its like an abusive partner pointing the finger and saying "You made me hit you, you know how I get when I'm angry". A bit extreme, but we and we alone are responsible for our actions and reactions.

 

You weren't a saint, and you admit it. But I see no reason to respond to this, you were right in that she just needed to vent. You apologized already, I think you need to go NC FOR REALS NOW and let her deal with it herself. I know you feel badly, but anything you say isn't going to be enough anyway, you know?

[hunk]

Yeah, you're right ziggy. Those were basically my initial thoughts. You are completely right about her angry at herself. I know that's where this is coming from, it's her projecting her anger at herself onto me. I am shocked she put up with it for so long because she is the exact type of strong, headstrong, stubborn woman who I would NEVER have expected to tolerate my behavior. But she did. And she is obviously having a hard time dealing with that.

 

But at the same time I feel like I need to put an end to this and that is only achievable through sending her SOMETHING. Of course I can ignore her but if i'm honest with myself I will just feel guilty. All i have felt since the breakup is guilt - not a single day have I felt resentment or anger (except towards myself) or anything besides regret and guilt. I feel like leaving this on civil and respectable terms could in some way be cathartic for myself and at least leave her with some sort of answer and response so she knows I do care about her.

[Satu]

You haven't been doing total NC, but you should.

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means that she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Satu

[stillafool]

I wouldn't respond to her if I were you. Yes she was a rebound but she is the one who chose to continue with you knowing full well you didn't have the same feelings for her and was getting over your ex. You apologized, she finally broke it off and now she is back trashing you some more. When will people take responsibility for their own choices? I would be angry if I were you. Block her as this will help both of you move forward.

[Reality015]

You have already apologised hunk & shown remorse.

[hunk]

If i'm totally honest stillafool, she never knew about my ex or that she was a rebound. Only when I apologized I told her this. I really was a piece of ****. I would reassure her that I had strong feelings for her everytime she brought it up. She said on more than one occasion "look, i really need you to step up, i really do not feel appreciated" and I just said the things she wanted to hear, knowing full well i wasn't going to change. I literally used her to TRY and get over my ex, should've ended it when it became apparent to myself what I was doing, but I really did like her alot and didn't end it when I should've. But fundamentally you are right. I would have been aware if a woman was treating me like this. We are not children anymore and we're responsible for our own behavior. For whatever reason, she didn't say to herself earlier "this isn't how I want to be treated or what I want from a relationship, I have to leave before it gets worse". So in that respect you are totally right. I can't be angry at her though. I honestly do not have it in me to be mad at her about anything.

[joseb]

 

I think i'm going to write this -

 

"A, nothing has changed in the way that I feel about how I treated you since we last spoke. I have learned to understand the reasons for my behavior, it was never, at any point, a reflection on you as a person. I'm trying to move on from this as I hope you are also - in time I hope we can connect with this behind us. Right now we both have to concentrate on our own healing and lives. Again, please understand I am deeply sorry for everything."

 

Part of me thinks you should stay NC.

However, I think in this instance, maybe an apology might be more appropriate.

I don't think your message above is good though -

 

" it was never, at any point, a reflection on you as a person."

is way to close to "it's not you, it's me"

" in time I hope we can connect with this behind us"

is really just a "hope we can be friends"

 

 

You need to make it a more sincere apology about how you messed up and used her.

[Ruby65]

I agree. Admit you used her as a rebound. Be blunt about what happened, don't try and be vague or flowery.

 

And don't say anything about hoping for a future anything -- friendship, understanding, contact, NOTHING. She'll use any reference to the future as something to cling to.

 

You treated her horribly. You feel remorse. It's most likely enough for her that you acknowledge that she's STILL suffering for it..... that you STILL feel terrible and won't treat people so badly again.... but that you STILL don't want to be with her.

 

She's writing you for closure. She's writing to let you know that she's still suffering, every day, while you get to move on and feel better.

 

Acknowledge it, give her that much at least.

[hunk]

Is it necessary to tell her I used her though? I mean, I did apologize. At the time I was in shock and was basically scrambling for reasons to justify my behavior, but my apology was 100% sincere and from my heart. I never really just fessed up and said "look, I completely used you", because it just seems like a detail that would do more harm than good. I've actually still got some of the messages ..

 

Me - "A, I don't even know what to say. I need you to know how horrible I feel for the way I have made you feel. I know there is nothing I can say right now to make you feel any better whatsoever, but I hope you can understand that I feel absolutely terrible. I know that you felt worthless and utterly used. I know this. Obviously I never felt it. You felt it - and for that I feel worse than you can imagine. I never intended to hurt you. I was in a position where I was not ready to be in a relationship. This is not your fault, it's mine. I should have told you from the start, but I didn't. There are no excuses. My behavior does not reflect the way I treat the people I care about, nor does it reflect who I even am as a person. I was utterly selfish and cared only about myself. I completely and totally ****ed up. There were no reasons for me behaving the way I did.

 

I was in a headspace that I myself am still coming to terms with. For what it's worth I care immensely about you and the feelings I did and still do have for you are extremely real. I am going to respect your space entirely and leave you alone. Please, A, understand that I am apologizing from the bottom of my heart. It is going to take alot for me to come to terms with this. I am so sorry for doing this to you. There's not much more I can say, A."

 

Her - "Hunk. It is too late to tell me this. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. What you did hurt me more than you could know. I do not want you to hate yourself. We all screw up, the screw ups are the things that teach us the most about ourselves and the type of person we want to be. Right now I want to be alone."

 

"Thank you A. You have shown me a lot and I mean that. I completely respect whatever you need to do right now."

 

I then asked if I could see her in person, and we had a fairly brief talk where I tried to apologize again but she was just so shut off so I kind of gave up. I was damn near crying, I never expressed any emotion when we were together. She gave me a massive hug and we said goodbye.

 

Afterwards I told her at some point I really did want to see her again because we were very close, and she told me she wanted to see me too and that I could talk to her when I was ready. I told her she could talk to me if she ever felt like it too and that was our last contact.

 

I don't think i'm going to reply. I really ****ing meant that apology to her (and the other ~10 messages i sent). I even drove 1.5 hours to sit there and have her just shrug her shoulders at me while I tried to explain myself. There's nothing else I can do. I am tired of feeling guilty and hating myself over this, at some point I need to just let it go...

[Cinnamonstix]

Afterwards I told her at some point I really did want to see her again because we were very close, and she told me she wanted to see me too and that I could talk to her when I was ready. I told her she could talk to me if she ever felt like it too and that was our last contact.

 

She probably felt a bit lead on by you saying you wanted to see her again. It's possible that she thought the breakup might wake you up, and you would want to rekindle things once you were ready for a relationship. And now she is mad at herself for believing this and holding on, as you have not contacted her once in three months and she is realizing that you are not getting back together. Combine that with the hurt and anger at herself for being your doormat for two years.

[Ruby65]

It's been 3 months complete total NC and I have been doing fine, letting go and learning to forgive myself for things.

 

Doesn't sound like you've been suffering all that much since the breakup.

 

Anyhow, good luck with it.

[hunk]

That's also very true. She said to me, however, during our conversation when she was ending it that she wanted to be alone and was not interested in being with me or anyone. I did tell her I was interested in a 'real' relationship with her, but she was too far gone obviously, and looking back on it I realize even if she wanted to be with me she wouldn't have taken me back then.

 

It's just strange, I mean I have no idea what her feelings for me were when she ended it and I have no idea what they are now. I dunno whether she truly despises me. I don't know whether she still had feelings for me and wanted me to wake up. I assumed all feelings had evaporated and just treated it as if i'd been dumped. I did want to be with her but I stuck to NC because I figured there was nothing I could do past my apology, and that contacting her would just be disrespectful. I assumed if she ever wanted anything to do with me again she would let me know, it just seems wrong for me to contact her ... that's my outlook anyway ... i could be wrong.

 

This definitely has been the strangest and most trying breakup i've had and it didn't even get to the point of being a proper, invested relationship. I'm angry she contacted me because it's just opening all of this back up

[hunk]

Ruby, initially I was. I was doing really badly. Lately however I have been fine and back to my old self, accepting what i'd done and coming to terms with why it all happened. That's what I meant when i said letting go. If she was to come to me and ask for another shot, I would do it though.