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Was this love or not? Strange feeling


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Hello everyone,

 

I want to share my story and to get useful feedback from people experiencing the same. I am primarly concerned how women think of this, because they will understand it better. I'm gonna make it as short as possible, because it's quite complicated.

 

So I met this girl at a party and it went pretty fast from there on. I went to her place a few times a week and everything went fine. This happened last summer around May. The problem was that I would leave around mid August to study abroad one semester for a period of 5 months. I asked her if she wanted to visit me and she said yes. So we spend some time together and I left.

 

It is important to mention that this is the first girl I think I had feelings for. In the beginning everything was fine. But when I got abroad I had so much things to do and I met a lot of people. So I was quite busy doing my things and a little bit focused on myself. We had contant often, everyday with facetime and just other messages. I thought everything was fine that way.

 

Now the problem starts, although at that time I was not aware of it. She was extremely in love with me and she always said how she was thinking of me and missing me. She always said things like darling, baby etc. Somehow, because I had not been in a relationship before, I was not used to saying these things. So I didn't say them. The only times I said them was when I had drunk a little bit. I know it's bad. By this time we didn't officially said that we are in a relationship. Things went this way. I did miss her, but not that extremely. So it was hard to say I miss you. I really don't know why I couldn't say it. I mean I said maybe a few times, but she said far more often.

 

After around two months, she came to visit me. The distance was not far away, just 2 hours by plane. And I remember it so clearly, when I saw her she was so happy to see me and for me it was more like I'm glad but not extremely happy. So weird, I don't know how to describe it. She stayed for 5 days and it was really fun and I enjoyed the time spent with her. The last night we were together I saw in her eyes how emotional she was that she would leave. Later she told me that she was expecting me that I would ask her officially to start a relationshop together.

 

Fast forward to december. I was almost going back home. We spend new years eve together and with our friends. Everything was normal, I thought. She kept saying I miss you etc. But after around a month, end of January, things changed. I noticed she was just different. I thought maybe it is normal I don't know. But after a few weeks, after valentine's day, I aasked her what was going on. And then she told me everything. She said, I don't know what to do anymore. What are we doing? The way we are doing things is not how a relationshop should be. She said she put so much effort into it by saying i miss you, baby, darlin etc. And I almost never said anything back. Especially never face to face. So then I told her I like her etc. She said such things you expect somehow to say after a few months, not after 10 months of being together. So I promised her I would try to do it more. After that she went away for a week or so and I thought I will surprise her at the airport. To do something back. But when I surprised her, she was in fact surprised and somehow glad I came. But I just noticed it is not the same as before. The way she looked. When we came home she also took place not next besides me but more of a distance. I really did not know what to do.

 

So things went this way for a few weeks and we meet up again. She said maybe it is better to take a few weeks of no contact, because everytime we spoke to each other there was some kind of conflict. We did it and I expected to see each other again. She told me I don't think we can do anything anymore to fix it. I said lets just meet at least one more time to talk about everything and to 'close' it face to face.

 

So she came to me, now two weeks ago, and we talked about it. She said I was in love with you, but I think you were not really in love. For her it seemed like I enjoyed time spent with her, but it was not really what a relationship should be like. Every time it was somehow the same, eat together, watch a movie or go somewhere for dinner. Usual stuff. So I was so confused. I got her point that she almost did everything and she started to cry and said, Is this what I was waiting for the whole time? And I really did not know what to say. So I told her that maybe I was not completely in love, but I had feelings. She told me if you are in love you would said to me that you miss me and what I meant to you. But you never did. That's how it ended and then the situation cooled down and it seemed we were both more comfortable. I walked her to her car outside and we said goodbye to each other. I gave her a hug and said I enjoyed the time with you and let's focus on the positive. Then I walked back and she called me back. I went to the car again and she started kissing me. I was confused, I somehow wanted to stop kissing her, but she kept on going. After this I said goodbye again and went inside. I send her one message that night, because it was late and went to sleep. I said I am glad we finished this way and thanks for coming. I think I will miss you a little bit, maybe we see each other who knows. She said the same and that she will miss me too and it was not just 'something' we had, it was more.

 

Since then, I am extremely confused. Right now I regret some things I did not say and somehow I miss her. And I wanted to send her a message again to say that the feelings were true, but I was just inexperienced in relationships. But she told be before that if you were really in love you would know how to care for the other person. Days went by and I just did not send it. I did know how she would respond. Right now I do not know whether I should send something or just leave it. Because in a month or so I will go to a festival where she will go as well. So I do not know whether I should send something right now how I feel or just nothing and send her a message in a month to meet at the festival with eachother. It is exactly the same festival as were we met last year.

 

Right know I am so confused why I did not had the feeling to say these things to her and if I really were in love with her. Because I loved the company with her, but I was not hard for me not seeing each other. But now it's over I somehow miss her. But I am not sure whether I miss her or just 'being with someone'. I know it perhaps sounds weird, but that's the way i feel. And right know I think of it so much to the point I am just going over it again and again to discover what happened and if I was really in love. As I said before, it was the first girl I had real feelings for. Before I just enjoyed being single and doing your own thing. And other friends got also girlfriends so it feels extra painful right know.

 

I hope some women can calrify the way she is feeling and what that last kiss could mean? I am just confused. Could she still have feeling, but she want to protect herself from getting hurt again? Because probably if we got together I would do the same. She also told me that when I did say nice things to her, she did not get happy from it. It was rather annoying. Because she knew I said those things because she said it to me and not because It was me.

 

I just do not know whether I was in love or not. And why I missed her just a little bit, but now it's over I miss her. But I miss those times when everything was fine, not the last months. It seems like I filled my time and a gap with her.

 

I hope someone can help me with this I am just so confused. And also women, how would you feel?

 

Lastly I want to add she had relationships before so she expected more. She was 20 I was 21.

 

Thanks for all the help! :)

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It sounds like you really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her, but ultimately could take it or leave it.

 

Hard to say what was behind the kissing thing, to me it sounds like she was trying to sway you into taking action by getting physical.

 

I think ultimately you weren't really that into her.... which is fine, if neither of you are looking for a serious relationship. You don't have to *love* everyone you sleep with. But after ten months, she wanted more -- so she left.

 

I would leave her alone. If she really was falling for you, I don't think you felt the same way about her, that she was more of a placeholder until you meet someone you can be more serious about.

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You're just not a good match for each other emotionally.

 

Just let it go with no blame, shame, or regret.

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I don't know why, but something wants me to say that I did care about her. Seems like I want to be with the person again, how it was. But if I use common sense I know that it won't happen.

 

Because if I send her a message that I did like her and it was not all for nothing. What would change the situation? I don't think anything would change.

 

So I somehow miss her. But it is so hard to explain. I never felt really really in love. So maybe I am just missing to be with a nice person?

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Yes, you miss being with someone.

 

But no, you don't miss her specifically. After ten months, you would be having stronger feelings for her if you were a good match.

 

It's okay. Let it go. In time, you'll find someone who DOES feel right!

 

;)

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Leave her alone. You're just not that into her. Now you are feeling a bit lonely and it would be nice to have her company. That's not fair to her, better to let her be free and find someone more suitable.

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Now that I feel kinda lonely I think about it a lot. Whereas before I did not think about her that often. I did think about her, but not so much as I do right now.

 

I just can't figure out why I did not say I love you, I really miss you etc. to her? She said to me, you were not convinced of your own feelings for me. I just assumed everything was fine. She said that is the problem. How can u assume everything is fine when you did not talked about your feelings.

 

I mean if I were really in love I would have said those things? Somehow for me it seemed quite impossible to say. The longer the time passed the more comfortable I got not saying these things to her.

 

I remember when we first saw each other after the two months and I got back home. She hugged me like there was no tomorrow and I was happy as well. But I just didn't had the same feeling.

 

Why am I feeling lonely right now and feel like I still have some kind of feelings?

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If you felt nothing at all, you would be a robot.

I miss my ex a lot, but I broke off the relationship and I know it's the right thing to do.

But of course I miss her. I'm human.

If you didn't have SOME kind of feelings after splitting up a 1 year relationship, I'd be worried.

You are feeling lonely because you were attached to the comfort at some level.

Everything you say about the relationship tells me you didn't love her.

 

You need to move on.

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Thanks for the help everyone!

 

How would you guys suggest to stop thinking about her? Somehow my mind just remembers the good stuff and forgets the last few months which were pretty bad. I mean we were totally disconnected.

 

I just do not understand why I keep thinking so much of her AFTER the break-up and not when we were together....

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It sounds like it was all a bit to quick for you and you were uncertain of your feelings so responded accordingly. Also, as you said, you were inexperienced and probably not sure how to react. I have been where you are more than once and they have moved on by the time I realise I liked them. It's a lesson learned. Coming from a family where not much love or affection was shown, I find it really unnatural to show warmth with people I don't know well and yet I can see it comes naturally to others. Maybe there is a bit of that going on with you too.

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ExpatInItaly
Thanks for the help everyone!

 

How would you guys suggest to stop thinking about her? Somehow my mind just remembers the good stuff and forgets the last few months which were pretty bad. I mean we were totally disconnected.

 

I just do not understand why I keep thinking so much of her AFTER the break-up and not when we were together....

 

The only thing that really works is time, and time totally apart.

 

I think you didn't say those things because you didn't feel them for her. Don't beat yourself up for that. Ultimately, I think she was right: you weren't in love with her. It's actually better that you didn't say it, because you know deep inside you that you didn't feel the same way she did.

 

I wouldn't bother sending her any messages. That will give her false hope and doesn't change the bottom line - you weren't really that into her.

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I just do not understand why I keep thinking so much of her AFTER the break-up and not when we were together....

 

This is called "missing someone."

 

That's what you're doing.

 

You're missing her.

 

It doesn't mean you loved her. It doesn't mean you were meant to be. It doesn't mean you should get back together. It only means you're missing her.... nothing more, nothing less. :)

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I said to her that I'm inexperienced, but she kept telling me that's no excuse. Look around, she said. When you see other people you should know how to show love. And it wasn't like I didn't felt anything, but I think I just wasn't crazy in love.

 

But the strange thing is, when I noticed she 'changed' and didn't gave me the attention like before it felt hard. Then I asked her what's wrong and finally she told me everything. I said why didn't you say it before to me that I should open up more etc.? She said that's weird to ask. But is it?

 

It seems now I realized what I had it kinda hurts. But at the same time I think I couldn't force myself to say these things when I apparently wasn't that much in love. Maybe I just don't know what love feels like.

 

Lastly I would like to add that she said that when I started saying these things to her it was too late, because she felt like I said those things after she mentioned it first. It should come naturally from me she said.

 

It's just a messed up situation. ..

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